My Girlfriend (29F) Broke up With me (31M) After the Loss of her Father

[LostSoul12]

Hi all,

This is my first time posting here, and I’m not sure what I aim to take away from the post. I feel so utterly torn to pieces, that I just need to write this down and have others share their thoughts. I live in a very rural area, so my immediate friend circle is very, very small (and I’m socially anxious, which doesn’t help) - hence seeking help here. I just want to make sense of what went wrong, where and how to move forward from this paralysis.

As per the title, my girlfriend broke up with me on Thursday. Following a period of relationship doubts which she informed me of a week prior to breaking up - and a month after losing her father to cancer.

Considering the length of the relationship, I am completely beside myself to how she decided to end it completely in the period of a week - with absolutely no desire to work through the issues.

I guess I should give an overview of our relationship. Both the good and the bad.

We saw and talked to each other in work on our breaks from time to time, and I was immediately drawn to her. She was beautiful and we clicked instantly. I wanted to ask her out, but I was far too afraid! Funnily enough though, it turns out she had a crush on me as well - but was also too afraid to ask me out. A friend told me that she was on Bumble, so I registered, found her and we soon got dating. We were on cloud nine.

We were very open from the start, but she needed some coaxing (open communication wise) during the early stages of the relationship. I told her very early on, that I’ve battled with anxiety and depression in the past. Caused by 2 traumatic long-term relationships. I often had to manage separation anxiety and trust issues as a result - but I had been working through these issues for months prior, with the help of a therapist. 

She was fine with this, and welcomed my openness and honesty.

She then went on to open up and told me that she had lost her mother to cancer when she was 18. During her first year at Edinburgh university. The impact of this was huge on her life and she admitted to starting smoking, sleeping with guys and drinking. I also welcomed her telling me this - as she had clearly come a long way to where she is now, with the help of her friends, family and therapist. She also said she still suffers from SAD and that she was taking medication. Again, I was totally fine with this.

Over a year went by, and everything was textbook perfect. Until we encountered our first hurdle - she sat me down and told me that she wants to travel Australia and NZ for 3 months on her own. I was initially fine with this, but then my separation anxiety kicked in hard (not good on my part). I had to come clean and tell her that I’d struggle with that idea, but that I was accepting that she wanted to go and that I wanted and needed to work through it. I think she had doubts initially but agreed that she’d love to remain a couple. As a bonus, we arranged to meet in southern NZ to embark on the last stage of her traveling together - as something for me to aim for.

More time passed, and her trip drew closer. My anxiety flared up really badly the week or so prior to her leaving (I had an anxiety attack on a night out with her) and I was heartbroken seeing her leave. I opened up therapy again. 

However, my trust issues ended up consuming me - as she was partying with other people on the other side of the world. My issues almost drove her away, as I started to suffocate her - I knew this, and I knew this was make or break. But I was determined to keep working with my therapist to stop my behaviour (my social circle was still tiny). We persevered, I improved and eventually we met in NZ, where we proceeded to have an unforgettable trip. It was also so emotional, as we could finally talk in-person about what happened during the weeks before.

The trip was over, we both came home and everything was fine again. Relationship wise, we recovered from climbing a mountain - and we felt stronger than ever as a result.

A couple of years pass, with no issues - just pure enjoyment, honesty and love. We had the occasional disagreement, but these were tiny, day-to-day things and we always communicated clearly, calmly and always constructively. Although, she did have to work through some passive-aggressiveness, which she overcame with time. We moved into a rented house together after the COVID period for about a year, but moved back out due to some difficulties with our landlord.

Over a year passed, and onto our next hurdle, and this was the biggest yet. My trust issues had been squashed by this point and we felt completely relaxed together. Until she had a house party at her place and was sexually assaulted whilst she was drunk. I didn’t know about this until the morning after, where I saw her and knew something wasn’t right. She broke down, and told me everything. Her and a childhood friend got into bed together, extremely drunk and he proceeded to lay hands on her after she said no repeatedly. She didn’t physically stop him and it didn’t lead to sex.

This was huge and rocked both of us. She was confused as to why it happened and it re-wrote everything for me - as I initially thought she had cheated on me, but I could tell there was zero maliciousness. It turns out she felt a lack of intimacy between the two of us (a pretty normal thing to experience in a LTR), and maybe what drove the situation to happen. But she was never sure, as she was adamant she didn’t consent and that she was barely sober enough to remember her thoughts at the time of the incident. She was utterly torn apart by all of this, she felt violated and opened up therapy again. I took some time to think about what happened and decided I wanted to help her through this. We got through bad times before, now we can get through this.

Months pass and we worked through intimacy issues and she managed to recover from the house party incident. Although she continued to go to therapy to help continue building herself. This period, was amazing - we were a true power couple. She was healing, driving her own business and I was working through progressing my career. The perfect relationship.

I knew her father had a brain tumour removed whilst her mother had cancer, and we always knew it would come back. Last year this happened - he was given a prognosis of 3 months. After this, everything turned upside down.

I took a back seat and accepted that now was the time for her family. I continued to see her as often as I could and to be there for her when she needed it. He deteriorated extremely quickly and my girlfriend and her siblings turned into 24/7 carers for about 2 months. This was a difficult time, but I stuck with her as I always did.

Come the 2nd of January - I’m at work and receive a call from my girlfriend to say that he had died peacefully and that she wanted to me come over ASAP. I did, we just held each other and cried.

From then until now had been difficult, I struggled with seeing her father pass away. The funeral was extremely tough. She now had no parents and I’d never encountered this with immediate family. She was obviously grieving the loss, but seemed to be coping well overall. The family is very close and seeing her father go through that, made me think about my life more - I opened up about my childhood fear of death and told her that it was something that had entered my mind again. Although I was able to deal with it much better now.

Last week, she mentioned that she had doubts about the relationship. Stating that the little things that bothered her before are now things she couldn’t ignore, and she wasn’t sure if we could work through them. She felt that our goals didn’t align (even though we had discussed this) I became a little withdrawn (I was processing grief at the time), I didn’t seem happy, I was a little snappy and she didn’t know if there was a future with me. She was going to talk to her therapist the following week to see if she’d feel different, then we’d talk about it again. Resuming normality in between that time, which was what I thought was being a caring, loving couple. Although my anxiety was very present here, I remained as honest and open as I could with her. We both had days where we’d just cry together.

The time comes, and I meet her at her studio - to where I can see it in her eyes. She breaks into tears and tells me that she can’t shake the doubts and doesn’t think things will change. My negativity, my temperament is something she doesn’t want her future children to grow up with. I cry, and I beg for her to give us a chance to work through this as we always have done - but she shakes her head. She’s done.

I know we weren’t perfect, I know I had my issues - but I’m struggling to cope, I’m struggling to find what I did amongst the fog of break up. My anxiety it back, and so is my depression. I’ve booked an appointment with a new therapist next week, but I have an entire weekend to battle through.

I just want help. I’m not angry with her and I still love her with all that I have. She is still the kindest soul I have ever met and we worked through so much.

I just want to fall into an eternal sleep and be done with this. I’ve lost the biggest piece of me.

[kayc]

I have read through and responded to every post in here, in fact years ago Marty created this section in part due to Wendy and I both going through this.  In spite of a couple of threads seeming to have made it through it, they since messaged me that their relationship did not make it also.

I want you to know this is not your fault!  There are a certain segment of grievers that for whatever reason cannot do a relationship while grieving...and once they break it off, they do not resume in time.

That doesn't make them bad people, just grievers that are hit hard with their grief with a unique response.  They keep their friends, family, neighbors, coworkers, but they throw out their SO.  It doesn't make sense to me, the one person who could be supportive, but no...

I am glad you will see a therapist.  And of course you still love her.  It doesn't just turn off because someone breaks up with you, esp. for a reason like this.  That said, now it's time to protect yourself and do not follow her on social media, delete her number from your phone.  I know, you probably won't for a while, but it's in your best interest.  And for gosh sakes, do not commit suicide!  Don't do something permanent for a temporary situation...I say temporary because in time you will evolve through this and won't feel the same about it.  It does take time and evolution though.  And call a hotline if you are feeling suicidal. 988

Now is the time to do positive things for yourself.  Go on walks, join a gym, eat healthy delicious food, call a friend to see a movie or a game.  Whatever you do, don't sit around the house despondent.  That comes automatically, it takes effort to move out of yourself and do good things for yourself.

[LostSoul12]

Thank you @kayc, I appreciate the kind words.

I’m just dumbfounded that she didn’t even want to give us the chance of working through our issues. That hurts more than any pain I’ve ever felt.

I feel like my anxiety, depression and trust issues in the past have come back to drive her away.

I have an entire weekend ahead and I just don’t know what to do with myself. I’m just sat here, in pain and crying every hour. The mornings are utterly debilitating and the nights are just consumed by tears.

I loved her more than anyone in the world and I thought we made the best team.

[MartyT]

55 minutes ago, LostSoul12 said:

I’m just dumbfounded that she didn’t even want to give us the chance of working through our issues.

From the history you've described, it seems as if, over the course of your relationship, you two have had lots of experience "working through your issues" ~ so we can assume that your lady already knows how much work is required to do that with you now. Working one's way through grief takes enormous time and energy, which leaves precious little of either to devote to anything else.

I hope you will take Kay's wise advice, and focus on YOU and whatever you need to get through this. For one thing, that means doing your best to stay in the present moment, by taking one day, one hour, one moment at a time. Don't torture yourself thinking about the future, whether it will include this person in your life or not. Focus instead on what you need to do right now to take good care of YOU. Plan specifically for what you can do this weekend, and force yourself to adhere to that plan. As Kay suggests,

1 hour ago, kayc said:

Don't do something permanent for a temporary situation...I say temporary because in time you will evolve through this and won't feel the same about it.  It does take time and evolution though.  And call a hotline if you are feeling suicidal. 988

Now is the time to do positive things for yourself.  Go on walks, join a gym, eat healthy delicious food, call a friend to see a movie or a game.  Whatever you do, don't sit around the house despondent.  That comes automatically, it takes effort to move out of yourself and do good things for yourself.

 

[LostSoul12]

2 hours ago, MartyT said:

From the history you've described, it seems as if, over the course of your relationship, you two have had lots of experience "working through your issues" ~ so we can assume that your lady already knows how much work is required to do that with you now. Working one's way through grief takes enormous time and energy, which leaves precious little of either to devote to anything else.

I hope you will take Kay's wise advice, and focus on YOU and whatever you need to get through this. For one thing, that means doing your best to stay in the present moment, by taking one day, one hour, one moment at a time. Don't torture yourself thinking about the future, whether it will include this person in your life or not. Focus instead on what you need to do right now to take good care of YOU. Plan specifically for what you can do this weekend, and force yourself to adhere to that plan. As Kay suggests,

 

These words are helpful, thank you.

I can see her perspective much better after some thought.

Although it did make me reach out to her with a neutral, but kind text - saying that I understand why she couldn’t work on our issues. I thanked her for all that I experienced with her and that she finds her way again.

In some senses I guess I was selfish to think that she could want to work through my issues - when she just needed the headspace to grieve the loss of her father, and support the rest of her family. 

She responded saying that she was crying whilst going to the supermarket without me for the first time - then she saw my message.

I don’t feel awful after sending the text - but I’ve now deleted the chat and her number. Which makes me feel terrible, as I worry for her.

I’m still in unbearable pain knowing she’s gone and won’t ever come back. 

I wish the nights and mornings carried less pain - are they any methods of stoping the anxiety when you wake up?

I'm mourning the loss of her, whilst she cries at the grave of her father and now for our relationship. 

[MartyT]

1 hour ago, LostSoul12 said:

I wish the nights and mornings carried less pain - are they any methods of stoping the anxiety when you wake up?

I'm a firm believer in learning all you can about what is normal in grief and what you might do to better manage your own reactions. If you're willing to do some reading about grief (and I mean YOUR grief: your reactions to the loss of this relationship) I can point you to a number of articles that you might find helpful. (Such reading will also help you to understand what your lady may be feeling and thinking in the wake of her father's death.)  ❤️

See, for example,

Bereavement: Doing The Work of Grief

Grief: Understanding The Process

Anxiety and Panic Attacks in Grief

Tips for Coping with Sleeplessness in GriefUsing Writing to Help with Grief

Using Writing to Help with Grief

[LostSoul12]

1 hour ago, MartyT said:

I'm a firm believer in learning all you can about what is normal in grief and what you might do to better manage your own reactions. If you're willing to do some reading about grief (and I mean YOUR grief: your reactions to the loss of this relationship) I can point you to a number of articles that you might find helpful. (Such reading will also help you to understand what your lady may be feeling and thinking in the wake of her father's death.)  ❤️

See, for example,

Bereavement: Doing The Work of Grief

Grief: Understanding The Process

Anxiety and Panic Attacks in Grief

Tips for Coping with Sleeplessness in GriefUsing Writing to Help with Grief

Using Writing to Help with Grief

Thank you for the links, although a few of them appear to be broken?

The sheer scale and sadness of it all is tough to bare. 

I have a re-occurring thought tonight, that I can’t shake. The thought makes me scared and I tear up - the fact that due to no-contact, I won’t know if she’s alright. I won’t know if she needs a little guidance on her way to healing.

[MartyT]

5 hours ago, LostSoul12 said:

Thank you for the links, although a few of them appear to be broken?

Links are working now ~ please try again.

 

[LostSoul12]

The first half of her stuff left my house this morning. Looking at all the objects, the memories, laughter, tears - love.

My heart is breaking. I miss her so much. I just want to see her and hug her.

I just can’t stop crying.

[kayc]

I remember dropping off all of the stuff Jim had at my house, leaving them with his roommate, after he'd broken up with me.  It was painful.  We get through it and I am proud of you for taking that first step towards healing, all the while knowing it feels anything but.

I'm so sorry you are going through this, very hard but you will get through even this.

🙏 for you today...and for her too.

[LostSoul12]

On 2/17/2024 at 12:39 PM, kayc said:

I remember dropping off all of the stuff Jim had at my house, leaving them with his roommate, after he'd broken up with me.  It was painful.  We get through it and I am proud of you for taking that first step towards healing, all the while knowing it feels anything but.

I'm so sorry you are going through this, very hard but you will get through even this.

🙏 for you today...and for her too.

Thank you.

We’re meeting up tomorrow to go through the last of our stuff from our house. It was originally penciled in for in a couple of weeks, but I just want to get everything done.

Tomorrow is going to be gut wrenching isn’t it ☹️

[kayc]

I wish you well with it, hope it's over quickly.  You shared a house?  That's going to be tough, a lot to go through, ugh.  You'll be in my thoughts today.

[DBeans]

How're you doing?! I joined this group a year ago because I was going through the same exact thing and you can see here how many people experience a similar situation - you are not alone! My ex said similar things - that she had some doubts - but nothing was ever voiced or shown until her father passed; then, after the funeral she quickly and unexpectedly ended things and cleared the house of my stuff. I'm also in my 30s and we were together many years. Therapy is extremely important to keep you upright. Sometimes you cannot know or predict what others will do, even if you know them inside and out, so taking charge of your own life now is necessary, and you need to do whatever is best for you.