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Is This Grief?


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:( I lost my sister to ancer just over 8 years ago - she was 15, I was 13. She was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumour when she was 10, fought against the odds to beat it but was left physically disabled. 5 years later, she then developed a second primary brain cancer, unrelated to the first, which was much more agressive and took her life after 10 short weeks.

I don't think I dealt with it at the time. Looking back I can see how I never made any cry for help, instead seeming to just get on with it because that is what I thought I should do.

8 years on and I now seem to be suffering with grief, but am having a hard time accepting that that's what it is. Maybe I'm just makine excuses and looking for attention. I can't validate my feelings.

Had a bad day, and lots of thoughts about the moments I watched her die, and I can't shake the images so thought it was time to finally post on here rather than just read.

Would be lovely to hear from some one.

Take care,

Kerri x

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I think what you are feeling is definitely grief. they say if you don't deal with it , it will come back to haunt you. you took the first step and recognized that something is going on. you need to talk about your feelings here, to your family and maybe a counselor. what you are feeling is normal, don't deny your feelings or that will never go away. it is a roller coaster ride and once you are on its hard to get off. somedays i wish i could jump but no i can't,. keep trying and take one minute at a time. get all the help you can and let yourself feel. keep coming here the people are great. lori

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I knew people in my grief group who had "delayed grief", where they didn't express grief at the time, and years later, it surfaced. Also, I have read that the siblings of a child who has died are often overlooked when people are supporting the parents. Perhaps that is where you got the idea that you are "looking for attention" or "making excuses". Of course you are not doing that! Grief is totally legitimate -- you lost your sister and you watched her die, and you must have been affected by that. Now that you are an adult, you can find help to deal with the feelings. A grief counselor or group can be very helpful, and posting here can also help. Your grief is completely normal and to be expected. We are here to listen.

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Kerri, dear,

I agree completely with what Ann has told you, and in addition to her wise counsel I'd like to point you to some of the very helpful resources listed on the Death of a Sibling or Twin page of my Grief Healing Web site.

I also recommend an excellent book by P. Gill White, Director of The Sibling Connection, entitled Sibling Grief: Healing after the Death of a Sister or Brother. The author is a bereaved sibling herself and works as a sibling grief counselor. She was 15 years old when her sister died of cancer. White and her family never talked about the loss until decades later when memories began to haunt her. Her book is a powerful mix of personal reflections and useful information.

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