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So Tired


Fern

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On the 30th it will be two months since my dog died. I am just so tired of feeling the way I feel. I really don't want to go on with anything. I just want my baby back. My mind says it just takes time - it is part of life. My heart is saying - it has already been too long. I am so depressed.

I am tired of people telling me that I need to get another dog to "get over it". No dog could replace my baby or even begin to compare with the special relationship that has been interupted. I could not cope with the demands of another dog. I DON'T WANT ANOTHER DOG. Yes, I would love another dog. And I could look forward to more heartbreak if and when something happened to it. That I could not handle. Anymore than I am handling this.

My dog was my personal trainer. She demanded a vigorous walk morning and evening. That was the best part of my day for five years. I loved it. My husband and I made a pack that we would honor her memory by continuing that tradition. But, of course, it isn't the same without her enthusiasm and encouragement. It is amazing how easily we can be swayed from our walks now. After missing one or two, I can not muster the energy to initiate a walk. '

I am just so tired.

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Dear Fern,

Ditto to what you said. On the 22nd it will be 60 days for me, too, and I feel the same things as you do (according to your post). Every day is just getting harder...that much more time away from my baby and her love...and my motherly duties to her...which would be 'work', but 'work' out of Love, and that's so completely different from work for someone you don't already have that huge relationship with, right?

Even knowing already from much experience with grief how energetically-draining grief is, that only 'helps' to a point. The total fatigue and depression is still there, regardless of the knowledge. I awake with despair, and go to bed with despair.

And other people aren't helping much, either...now. When I talk on the phone with friends, they're satisfied to hear me sounding 'normal' and seem to disregard what I've told them already...that I only sound this way WHILE I'm talking to them, but when I'm alone, it all crashes in. One friend is even fond of taking credit for pulling me out of the dumps when she calls! It becomes all about HER, and her 'prowess' and power to 'make' me feel better. She's not getting it...that it's only a temporary choice that I'm making, lest I go completely mad w/o a few, short 'breaks' from the sorrow and despair. And so, as is usual, in less that 2 months, no one truly wants to hear how I REALLY feel, day after day. Others don't even call anymore....already...as if this isn't as important to me as it is.

Seeing as we're in the same kind of space, I have no words of comfort at this time...can't whip them up for myself, either, much less anyone else. Sorry. But I can empathize. It's awful, I agree.

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Thank you for your words/ They truely help. My heart goes out to you, too.

I made the mistake of showing my post to my husband before sending it. (I know he is suffering as much as I am. I saw and felt his pain the day of the accident. He has said that he is still having a hard time so I thought it might be of help to him to read what I am having a hard time talking about.)

But, now he is upset. He believes "we create our own destiny" We reap what we sow. What we send out is what comes to us. Like maybe because I was so upset with my horse's death that our cat got killed.... then our dog. (Of course he hasn't said that - but it follows with his line of reasoning.) He indicates that my depression is a reflection of our relationship. That I am saying he is a failure if I am depressed. Don't get me wrong, I love this guy more than anything - and he treats me like a queen. But this is so hard

Thank you so much for being there. For listening. For not judging. For understanding - and not trying to "fix" me.

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Dear Fern,

Yes, these are the kinds of complications that can make grief that much harder. (you can also read about my latest complication that I just posted, too...so you don't feel as alone in having to deal with your own)

Strangely, I know what your husband's talking about ( and I'm a good one for using this theory to beat up on myself when I'm feeling guilty! ). However, and it's a BIG however....despite this way of thinking, I DON'T think it applies much, if at all, to GRIEVING! While I hate grief as much as the next guy, with all its attendant emotions and thoughts, I still have to grudgingly admit it's a great teacher. Without it, we'd probably not learn enough about ourselves. So to deny it, or stuff it, out of hand, is not what I would consider healthy at ALL. That would be totally counter-productive, as well as dishonest to ourselves, and therefore also to all of those around us. Sure, we can spiral down because of our feelings, but it's often a necessary part of the process, too...somewhere where we NEED to go in order to come out the other side, better for having been brave enough to go there. So overall, yes, I too believe that we create our outer world by our inner thoughts, BUT, those outcomes are most often much more complicated than we first think, and we still have to practise being honest all the way through. And there are always lessons, often hidden until later on, in all the grungy emotions. I hate that it works like this, but it usually does and I've seen the bigger picture enough times in my own life to deny its reality.

I may be all wrong here, but to me it sounds like your H might be operating more out of fear, than out of rationality. Afraid to face the horrible feelings, afraid that he can't, in classic 'man' style, 'fix' yours and his grief ( especially yours, cuz that's easier than working on his own ), afraid that you, as a couple, are facing some challenging times. Ya can't really blame men for stuffing, as that's what most of them have been taught to do for themselves, but it's frustrating as all get-out when the expression of those feelings are what helps us cope and helps them evolve, slowly, into something more useful. It's also not uncommon for men to see any 'negative' emotion as a direct reflection on themselves...and that (false) ability to 'fix' any situation, or challenge, that comes up in their life. I know I see this in my own H, as each new grief challenge I face comes up. I can just see him thinking, "Oh, great...we got through that LAST issue...and I thought it would be smoother sailing from here on in...and now here's another one she's throwing at me, expecting me to deal with!" We all would prefer life to be so much easier...but I think men have a harder time of it when it's not, generally-speaking. But that's not realistic! ( my H HATES it when I point this out, cuz we women aren't supposed to be more rational than men ;) )

When I wrote out my long story (on another board) about how we first met our kidlets, like you, I showed it to my H....and to my utter surprise (and delight), he actually started shedding quiet tears. Somehow, it really touched him...but see, I wasn't talking there about my sorrow, but a walk down memory lane, my love, my total gratitude, what an impact they've made on my life and the huge and vitally important lessons they've taught me....not just my bare feelings.

So I feel for you, and for me. And while I know I can't 'fix' everything for either of us, I can hopefully lend you my thoughts, in hopes that this might open up other, better doors for you. And you're welcome...I know how it feels to just want to be HEARD. And that's something that my furkids have taught me, both in life and in their passings....to use and trust my intuition. Yaaaay, our kidlets.....Booooo, their physical deaths.

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Hi Maylissa,

Once again thank you for taking the time to respond.

Yes I had read your story on the other board. Wow. When it rains - with relatives anyway. Sorry you are going thru all this, too. But grateful you are willing to share with others - your thoughts and experiences. Reading your posts has certainly helped me clear my head. It is kind of weird because there are even more similarities between your and my situation than you know. So it has helped more than you know.

My husband is the most sensitive and compassionate person that I know. Not just to me, but to everyone. You would really like him - cuz I think you two think quite a bit alike, too.

For a long time, I thought - if I could just see, hear, experience my dog's presence - just one more time - just to know she is where she should be - happy and taken care of that I would be ok. I prayed. I meditated. I did everything I could think of. Nothing. Nothing Nothing.

But during one time I was "trying", my husband later recounted that he had had a strong impression - almost like a vision- that our dog was with us running circles around us the way she did when she was very happy. Another time I was "trying" a new friend of my husband's - who I had barely met - called my husband to tell him that he had seen us and our dog, all together, in a dream. That he had the strong impression that because of the strong bond of love we all shared that we would continue to be together. Another time, a friend sent a touching email card that said something to the effect that our loved ones live on in our memories.

I have thought a lot about this. In my heart, I think that my emotions (my extreme reluctance to let her go) are a barrier between her and me. I am so wrapped up in my hurt, she has to let me know thru others that she is ok and happy.

Don't know why, but felt impressed to share this.

Thanks again Maylissa

Fern

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Fern,

I'm glad you shared back what you did. (and if I find out that our mothers shared the same name, or something, I'm gonna get all goose-bumpy!...in a good way...and now you've got me really curious! :blink: )

Funny...everyone seems to be telling me that my grief is maybe getting in the way of signs. But I guess I just don't believe it, really, because when I was so incredibly grief-stricken over Nissa's brother's passing, he came on strong and unrelenting in his visitations...and they were SO tangible, unmistakenly HIS, and simply couldn't be 'confused' with anything else. In short, I FELT him, HEARD him (in my head, as a male voice, scratching the carpet, jumping down from places he liked, through Nissa at times, vocalizing as only HE did ), STRONGLY SENSED his presence, have never stopped seeing his age of death everywhere, had true visitation dreams, came through radio and TV, through birds and other cats, in insects, breezes....the list just goes on and on. WAY too many uncanny and direct experiences to dismiss. I know he was a Master at such 'tricks', as he did things even in physical life like this, but still...Nissa was his sister and shared some of the same talents, plus was witness to some of these signs, too. And I talked to her about them quite often, especially when I knew she was failing, just before her passing, and after as well.

Yet with Nissa, all has been subtle, and none have been of a nature that was as direct and obvious. Plus, I just tried my first animal communication for her since her passing, with someone who I'd only used briefly, once, with a different sort of focus ( so didn't know how good she was otherwise )I made a point of talking to Nissa beforehand, again....and NOTHING came through as validation of the things I'd thought most likely were signs. Other than this woman picking up on her brother as being of similar colour, but darker ( he was black, she was grey )....there was nothing that even convinced me we even had MY girl there! So I've totally crashed now. I'm still searching for a better communicator, allowing for the possibility that this particular one isn't as good as people have said....but now the doubts have taken hold and I can't cope with her crossing the way I had been.

So maybe with me, since I ALWAYS seem to be different from most in so many ways, just like my kids were (why else would we all be together as a soul group? <_< )...I'm still suspecting that until my numbness disappears enough that my grief gets to the point where it's uncontrollable, I WON'T get any big signs. I'm rather convinced that I have to, once again, do things oppositely from most others.....oh joy. But for now, I'd even go for someone else's visitation or vision, like yours. That would be better than nothing, or than feeling INvalidated through someone else....sigh..... maybe going to the counselor I found will help break something through, but that's not 'til the end of next week. I'm just so confused now, and my faith is wavering....not a good thing, when it took so much work to get it where it was. Between this and the family thing, my sense of Trust in the Universe has been violated, so it's just so hard to keep going.

Thanks for being here, Fern. THAT'S one good thing of late!

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Dear Maylissa and Fern,

I am so sorry that you continue to feel such deep pain. I can totally understand and empathize. It was 2 months that my Tawny died last week-the 12th. But I must admit that MOST of the time I do feel better, although certainly far from great or over it. I don't think that we will ever be completely "over it," and I know that we will never forgot our dear furbabies. Just when I do feel like the worst is over, then something will happen or I will see or hear something, and the tears and pain will start all over again.

Fern, no one should tell you what to do or how to grieve, but I will share with you that I did get another puppy, although it was far from an easy decision. She is almost 4 months old. No, she does NOT replace Tawny, no one ever could. But she has brought some new joy into my life, and even made me smile when I thought nothing could. We didn't really go looking for her. In fact, I believe that (in a way), Tawny sent her to us. She is from the same owner (who has both the parents) as Tanner and Tawny, and the owner works with my husband. He knew about Tawny (DH told him) and one day he came to Rick-H-and told him he had one female puppy left in the new litter that still needed a good home. I didn't know what to do, but I did go look at her and she just sat and cuddled so quietly in my arms for 10 min. while I tried to decide what to do. I finally did decide to take her home and I am not sorry, even though it did mean a lot more work. I named her Sweet Pea (my nickname for Tawny) as a way to honor Tawny's memory. Anyway, I am definitely NOT telling you to get another dog. And I too dread the day when I will have to go through this horror again, both with Tanner and now with Sweet Pea too. But there is so much love and joy that they both give me that I did decide to take the risk.

As for husbands, I think, Fern that he wants to help you, but just doesn't know how. And of course, he is grieving too. Men want/need to fix things, and when they can't, they say wrong things. My H did the same thing, and I was so angry and resentful at first, but now I understand. We need each other now, as do you and your husband.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I too know how you feel. We all heal at different rates and in different ways. When I was going through the worst of it, I couldn't believe that it would ever end. And although it hasn't ended, as I said before, it is better much of the time, and I believe that in time you will go through this horrible grief tunnel and also come out at the other end. I wish this for you both, Maylissa and Fern.

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Hi again,

Maylissa, I do feel for you. I know how desperately I have longed for a connection with my girl. And still do. For exactly the reasons you do. I do feel fortunate that others around me have been able to pass on their experiences of her to comfort me. Maybe it is not our grief. Maybe their feelings are so strong that it would be hard for them to leave us again.

But I guess I am talking about things that I really don't know. I prefer to believe that my girl is having such a good time that she hasn't had time to miss me. I picture her playing with little kids, lots of little kids. She loved kids so much.

Our young grandkids were always trying to outsmart her playing hide and seek with her. But she was a master at that - she would sniff them out and lick their ears til they would squeal with laughter. The kids loved to run around the yard with Moke chasing them. No matter how slow or fast they were running, Moke would stay one step behind them, never catching them - baying all the way.

No matter how bad a day I was having, Moke always put a smile on my face.

She was such a happy, loving creature. I definitely miss that

Fern

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Hi Fern,

Moke sounds like such a wonderful girl. I got a real smile on my face hearing about her so-considerate play with the kids..."baying all the way"! :D I can readily imagine all the joy she brought to your life!

While I know one of the roles animals are here for is to teach US how to be in the world, with ourselves, with others and with the planet itself, they must also realize how hard we find it to be that way once they're no longer physically here with us as role models...to keep prodding us along, such inexperienced 'toddlers' as we most certainly can be! I, too, severely miss even such basics as good old-fashioned exercise from playing with my girl, and my guy. They really knew how to keep their Mom in better shape! I'd already been missing a good portion of this as Nissa 'wound down' in her last few months. No more were there chases around the house and yard...just short spurts, and even far less stationary games. Now that she's gone, I've put on even more weight than I had from my human losses...no more dozens of trips up and down the stairs to try and get her to eat a bit more. No more having to get up and down all through the day to see to her constant needs. And while I have gone for a few walks, and more shopping than I was able to do before...it's with a heavy heart and so that exhuberance is no longer there, so I walk much slower than usual. Our past dancing went completely by the wayside about 1.5 years ago, what with my grief and family battles over my Mum's and bro's deaths, plus Nissa's increasing health care needs. So I no longer even recognize this face and body, the one that used to be such a go-getter Mom.

My H and I have future plans to get back to a gym, for at least 2-3 months, as a kick-start...but so far, I'm not even close to being in the 'mood' to torture myself even further! :glare: But neither can I dance, as that would mean listening to music, something I avoid as much as I can when in the early parts of grief...it moves me TOO much.

As for signs, a special someone just offered this idea to me, and maybe it will help both of us. She's struggled with this same concept, too, of why there aren't more signs, or any, from some of our furbabies. She suggested that perhaps, once we're already certain, or even just more convinced, of a continuing existence for our babies, they then don't feel as much of a NEED to make their presence as known to us, since it is very often the most skeptical among us who get the most impressive and flamboyant signs. Strangely, this is one thing I'd been thinking, too....I just didn't want to believe it, cuz I know what that means then....little or no signs for ME! So I don't know if you can apply this to yourself and your beliefs or not, but I thought I'd pass it on anyway, in case it might help.

Take care and I'll be thinking of you.

Serl,

So good to hear from you again here! Thanks for the words of comfort, and congratulations on you new family member, Sweet Pea....Tawny's gift to you. I'm sure she'll guide you and bring you much fulfillment in the days and years to come, as all of these precious souls do, one way or another. And I hope she and Tanner are getting along okay, too and that she can also help Tanner through this trying time.

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Hi Avgr_dancer,

I am really not good at these computer things. I had somehow missed your reply until just now. I had just spent a while doing a reply to you. Don't know what happened to it. Anyway, this is the condensed version of my lost reply.

Thank you for your words of comfort and words of wisdom. Thanks for telling me about Sweet Pea! She sounds like a cuddley love. In most situations, another dog would probably be the way to heal. But not for me - not now.

I do have other pets, and they are a comfort to me.

Thanks

Fern

Maylissa,

I meant to mention to you that we had used some flower essence therapy for Moke because she would get very anxious from thunder. Our vet suggested it and it worked wonders. The vet instructed us to put the drops on a treat. We had discussed using some for a cat for a different situation. Our vet was concerned that the solution (think it was an alcohol base) might be toxic to a cat. I will ask her, the vet, about something for tom.

Appreciate all that have helped me with your words, shared experiences, prayers, hugs, and good thoughts.

Fern

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Thanks, Maylissa, for welcoming me back-not that I've really been gone. But I have started working again-part time-so I don't have as much time now. But I will definitely still be checking in here to see how you and the others I have met through this board are doing. And also to continue my own grief journey. Yes, Sweet Pea is a joy and is really a comfort to us all. As for Tanner, I am so proud of him-he is being a fabulous big brother-and she just loves and so looks up to him. She gives him a companion to play with again. With animals, it is so hard to know what they are feeling, but I know that he, too, has been affected by Tawny's loss. When she got sick, he reverted back to some puppy behavior-peeing in excitement when he see us or other people he likes. We are still working with him to end it-it ended on its own when he was younger-but it is taking some retraining at this point. The vet agreed that it was a reaction to Tawny's death, as well as reacting to how I, in particular, was reacting-my own increased stress.

Fern-I understand what you are saying about not wanting a new dog at this point. It is a very individual decision. I am glad that you have other pets to still bring you comfort. Tanner has been a great comfort to us also. And although, bringing Sweet Pea into the family involved some adjustment for him, I also believe it has been good for him to have another dog again. Tanner and Tawny were littermates, and although I got Tanner a month before Tawny, before her death, that was the only time they were seperated.

Anyway both of you take care and I will continue to pray for your eventual recovery and for relief from your intense pain.

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Fern,

Just have a moment right now, but I wanted let you know that FE's are perfectly safe for use with cats, birds and any other small creatures, as long as they're diluted properly in purified water before use. This makes the small amount of alcohol harmless, even for cats. If you need help with this, PM me and I'll give you the details of how to use them for a cat. It's very easy. The only thing you'll really need is a way of administering them, but there are quite a few ways to do that easily. With dogs, if they're bigger dogs, they CAN be taken 'neat' from the stock bottle, but in any small animal or bird, they must be diluted first....and NO tap water allowed! ^_^

Chat later,

Maylissa

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i had to chuckle out loud when read your post....people are sooooo misunderstanding when it comes to the loss of a pet sometimes. i had the same advice given to me when i had to put my girl down. my (ex-husband now) told me "you're a dog trainer, im tired of seeing you like this..you NEED another dog". it made sense at the time. i wanted a bullmastiff, you know -something big & strong & lazy (like my LAST dog). i ended up w/ something smaller, stronger, & with more energy than i can give. my dog now is a good dog - loving, playfull and all those 'good' things. but its not the same. i got her when she was a pup & i have yet to bond w/ her (shes almost 7) as much as i did my last dog. i am no longer a dog trainer, but still an avid lover of (most) dogs. this one just takes too much from me...its like having a toddler, for crying out loud. i saved her, as i saved my last one - but where's the reciprocation??? my husband now laughs at me when i say 'i hate this dog'....i dont really HATE her, i wouldnt want to see her hurt in anyway & would protect her from danger if i had to.... im just mis-matched (as we call it in the training industry). my ex-professional & personal advice to you would be to ONLY start looking for a dog when you start to miss that 'general' companionship...and THEN - only get a dog that fits your lifestyle & personality. i still talk about my old girl ....that will NEVER go away, and why should it?? she was one in a million

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lil kid,

Thank you for writing. You hit the nail right on the head. I could definitely see the same thing happening with me - being mismatched. Thank you for helping to validate and clarify my concerns.

Everyone who has written has been such a help.

Fern

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