I Hate My Relatives!

[Maylissa]

I wasn't sure which forum to put this in, as it deals with both my loss of Nissa and the loss of my Mother (coming up soon to 3 yrs already)...but decided it belonged more here, because it's mainly impacting my grief over my girl.

Out of the blue, after close to 3 YEARS of not talking to this one aunt (who gave me nothing but trouble after my Mum and brother died), she suddenly called this week, on the 17th. Why then? Well, this will give everyone a good idea of just how out of it I've been with the departure of my darling girl. The 17th, and NOT the 11th, as I'd written recently, was actually the proper date of my dead Mother's birthday!! I've really lost my mind with Nissa's passing!!! Anyway, that said, this aunt, who had abandoned me in my grief after both my Mum and brother had died, was suddenly on the line, moaning about how much SHE was missing my Mum (her sister) lately...and all their calls to each other. (I only picked up this call in the first place because I didn't see her name displayed on the phone I was using) Not once did she even ask if I was missing my Mum...the selfish b****. Here she was, expecting ME to console HER, when I was the one who'd lost my Mother and she couldn't give me the time of day at that time!

When she finally noticed how I sounded (NOT good), she asked why I sounded so terrible...so I told her....we'd recently lost our Nissa. I'd offered her MUCH support years before when she'd lost her dog, and even years after that because she still missed her like crazy. The ONLY credit I can give her in this entire conversation was that she first said, "Oh...I'm sorry." But then she immediately switched the topic to her granddaughter's loss of her dog! Never even asked me what happened, how old Nissa'd been...or anything. From there, she went on to talk about how SORRY she felt for my last brother (the same one who's cheated me out of everything with our parents' estate). There wasn't any sympathy for me...just because I'm not handicapped, as my brother is slightly (one leg). From that followed insulting remarks about me and my dead brother and when I decided I wasn't going to take any more of this BS and started sticking up for myself, THEN she accused me of sounding just like my father (my completely abusive father), the OTHER one who'd cheated his own wife, me, and my dead brother, out of everything! She simply refused to believe anything I told her I'd found out (and had the papers documenting same) about how my brother had stolen everything. Nope. I was the money-grubber, in her mind, and he was the poor, downtrodden angel. I could have strangled her. Now, knowing her, she'll probably also start calling everyone else left in the family and tell them horrid lies about me, twisting everything around to suit her already-twisted thinking and adding insult to injury. I can't WAIT until she has to do her Life Review when she dies!

It never ceases to amaze me how the vermin in my family creep out of the woodwork to do their utmost to beat on me when I'm at my lowest points to begin with. I hate them all. THIS is NOT what I needed when I've just lost my darling daughter! This also comes at a time when I'm going right around the bend with anguish over Nissa not sending me any tangible signs that she's okay, still around, doesn't hate me for ending her life, etc. No, THIS is what the Universe sends me instead. Thanks a bunch, Universe...like I needed some other kind of stupid and painful 'lesson' when I'm already lower than low. NOW I just feel even lonelier w/o my girl to turn to to take the edge off such hurtful events. Is it any wonder that I so highly valued the unconditional love my 2 babies freely gave me, with scummy humans like this, by comparison?!?!? I need my girl's love!!!!!

[daddyslilgirl]

I'm not sure if I can say anything to make you feel better, but I am so sorry you had to deal with her and her selfishness. I am sorry she was so uncaring about your baby. I hope you don't let her get to you and take her words for nothing other than what they are worth. I will be praying and thinking of you...))HUGS((

[Maylissa]

daddyslilgirl,

Thank you for caring. I know I should just shrug this episode off, but it's extra-hard when, like all of us, I'm grieving and ultra-sensitive to all emotional upheaval. Even more than my aunt's cruel words, was the sting of that all-too-familiar (in my family) unacknowledgement of me and my feelings, as if I don't even exist as an individual, much less one deserving of being treated with even basic civility. I just seem to be seen as an 'easier target' for this kind of attack, compared to others in the family...and I don't know WHY that is. But I'm royally fed up with it! It appears that everyone else in my family can act horridly, but they are somehow easily forgiven and excused from their shoddy behaviour, while I'm classed differently...maybe because I AM different, so they feel a more pressing need to attack me. I mean really...someone who's a THIEF and LIAR is seen as more deserving of sympathy than the one who's been stolen from???? How backwards is that?

And when I want to be shouting from the rooftops about the sheer importance and worth of my Little Nis', to have her and my grief over her dismissed like this ( by TWO of my aunts, recently ) because they think their own news and secondhand concerns are more important than mine.....aaaarrrrgghhhh! I could just SHRIEK!

[Whiteswan]

Your aunt sounds like a ME ME !!! There are always some in every family -- I have 2 as well-- my sister and my nephew. I am so sorry about your baby. I'll keep you in my thoughts . Love and hugs.

[avsqr_dancer]

Ah, Maylissa,

I just got a chance to read this post of yours all the way through. I am so sorry that you had to listen to all that-you absolutely did not need that at this time. She definitely sounds totally selfish. I know this doesn't really help, but she sounds like a person that is totally unaware of others needs or feelings, and totally incapable of any empathy or validation of your feelings. She may not even be aware of how hurtful her words are, but even if she does, she certainly does not care. But esp. in times like you are going through now, that is esp. hard to deal with. Unfortunately, my mom was like your aunt in certain ways-really incapable of understanding, accepting, or validating my feelings. She often said hurtful things to me, always in the guise of helping me as my mother. Thankfully I was able to make peace with her before she died, but sometimes that just is not possible. Luckily I was in a good place for the last few years of her life or I would probably not be able to do so. I hope that you will not have to deal with again-or at least not until you in a better place than now.

[Maylissa]

Serl and Whiteswan,

Thanks so much for your understanding and caring words....a world removed from what I got from this aunt! Yah, I'll be making sure I check those caller ID's from now on! With her age and mental condition, it's not likely she'll ever be getting better from what she's like now, so I need to just avoid her as much as possible.

It just ticks me off that there's no one in my entire family or extended family who I can be honest with and have that accepted....much less be respected for doing so! It seems that honesty is a virtue in some people's minds ONLY if it already conforms to their chosen interpretations of reality. It also ticks me off that with my relatives and family, it was always that everyone else was some kind of 'hero' for something they saw as valuable, even if what really happened wasn't true at all....but that same honour has NEVER been applied to me, no matter what suffering I've had to endure. Somehow, they always want to make everything MY fault, as if I alone deserve to suffer...for everyone's doings! And Heaven forbid that I dare show any courage or inner strength...that's just a further excuse to beat up on me and doesn't 'deserve' any encouragement. They make me sick....literally. And that's why I've had to try and avoid them all for so long. They're very BAD for my health and well-being. But it's also left me very alone, especially so in times of grief. Even I'd never thought they'd all be so awful when times got tough!

If nothing else, the fact that my head had actually mixed up the day of my Mum's birthday should have elicited some compassion from her....but then, I guess I 'won' the competition for being upset and confused, so that didn't sit well with her and she had to 'top' me somehow. And I've thought I could be really needy at times! I keep hoping that one of these days, my H will be home and willing to pick up such calls and tell even ONE of these people how horrid they are being, on my behalf...cuz I just can't handle them anymore, now that the best part of my world is gone. When my kidlets were here, I could weather these storms alot easier, as I had that impossibly great love of Nissa and Sabin to fall back into and I could focus on making THEM happy in exchange for the lousy feelings that my family gave me. And now there's nothing like that for me, so I'm really drowning. I'd worked so hard on creating a family I could be proud of (instead of embarrassed about) and that also helped insulate me from these attacks. Now I've not only lost their presence, but the lifetime dream of having and being our own, much more loving family. It's all only about existing right now, and I neither want nor need these extra challenges.

Oh, and btw Serl...my Mum was also alot like this ( and pretty much all of her sisters are the same...don't know if most of her brothers were, either, as I didn't have as much contact with them...most are dead now anyway, out of a big family of 8 kids )...but my Mum and I actually progressed in some ways, too, before her death..and that was ONLY between the 2 of us. But I've tried applying many of the same 'tactics' with this aunt as I did with my Mum, and they just didn't work...probably because I'm only her niece and not her daughter...whom she's also in a battle with continually.

Edited October 23, 2006 by Maylissa

[Dianne]

Hi Maylissa,

I've found that most of my relatives aren't pet people, and even though I'm close to them and love them they just don't get it. Even my closest friend who had never had a dog before said "Well you can always get another dog" after my first dog Dolly died.

I have lost both my parents and still have to say the most painful loss was the loss of my Zephyr this past November. He was there when I was going through a really bad period with my dad when we weren't talking. He was there to help heal the pain of having lost my mother. When he died it was like a part of me went with him.

Today there is a much better understanding of pet loss and far more support groups than when we lost our first dog Dolly back in 1992. I hope you will find comfort here in losing your Nissa as I hope to find with my loss of Zephyr.

[avsqr_dancer]

Hi Dianne,

I have found the same thing that you are saying about painful losses. Last summer, only 7 weeks apart, I lost both of my parents. Then a little over 2 months ago, I lost my precious Tawny, who died of kidney failure before she even turned two. I found her loss much more difficult than the loss of either of my parents, even though I was so close to my father, a real "daddy's girl." But with Tawny, I felt like I had lost a child-a dog child, yes, but still my child. With time, it has gotten a bit easier, but I still miss her every day and still cry most days.

I also noticed your other post about your puppy. It is also similar to my situation. I hadn't planned on getting a new pup so soon after Tawny's loss, but the owner of Tawny and her wonderful brother, Tanner (who thankfully is still with us) told me husband about his newest litter of puppies and that he had one girl puppy left that still needed a home. Once I saw her, although a difficult decision, I did take her home with me. And she has brought us such joy, and at least some "good" has come out of the tragic death of Tawny, watching the life and growth of our new baby. And I also feel that Tawny sent her to us because she did not want us to miss her so much or to be so sad. Dogs are truly amazing, aren't they?