Plunged Back Into The Valley!

[Whiteswan]

Hi all. I was starting to find more peace about my Mom's death this past while and trust God again -ie- less rage/anger at Him, etc but yesterday I dove head first so to speak into the pits of hell (what I call grief)! I'm back on the spiritual rollercoaster ride and I hate it! One minute believing in God, asking Him to help me, the next raging at Him, the next not believing in Him , even telling Him I don't believe in Him and citing all the reasons for such to Him! How insane! WHY would I tell Someone I supposedly don't believe in that I don't believe in Him?! If I really didn't believe in Him I wouldn't be talking to/raging at Him, right?! I thought this part of my grief was all done as I got peaceful about/with God a few weeks ago then WHAM -- out of nowhere it hit again yesterday! I miss my Mom SO much! I still can't believe she is really dead and I often get that jolt that she is really dead out of nowhere too. Any insights or shared experiences would be appreciated. Love and hugs to all.

[lorikelly]

I feel just like you. somedays i still can't believe she gone. i have to look at her urn to believe it.. i feel awful and think when is this nightmare going to end. i sleep when ever i can and do only the minimal. today my therapist told me i was clinically depressed, i believe it. i find myself doubting my faith, not my God,. i wonder is there really something after this, why can't God let them tell us they are ok, why do all these bad things happen and it goes on. i quess after a loss you start to question alot of things. i just can tell you that i am afraid, afraid that this pain will never end. i am also having so much anxiety about things, it is driving me crazy. i am sorry if i rambled on about myself i just want you to know that you are not alone. lori

[magdalyn]

Whiteswan,

Hi. I have been going through the exact same thing! I was raised in a Christian church, and I have always had the truth before me. But I have been struggling with my belief in God since I was a teenager. After my father passed away, my mom suggested that I read Isiah. So I did, and then i read Jeremiah. And then I read Psalms. And I haven't stopped. There is so much in the bible that relates to our deepest feelings and secrets. I also started reading a book, "Answers to Tough Questions, What Skeptics are asking about the Christian Faith" by Josh McDowell and Don Stewart. It talks about the validity of the bible as a genuine work of historical literature.

However, I too got really angry with God the other day about my dad and other things going on in my life, and I voiced this to Him. And my anger didn't go away right away, it lasted for a good couple of days. I can be a real doubter, but then when I open up the bible, and really read it I find the answers I have been so stubborn to find. I am not perfect at all. I have so many downfalls. this is what makes it hard to believe that He still cares about me. I think I have sinned so much, how could I still fall into His grace? This may be what you are thinking. Just so you know, I really relate, and I am glad that you posted! I am so sorry about your mom.

Magdalyn

[Whiteswan]

Hi. Thanks for the replies. My anger at God is more along the lines of how can He allow so much injustice and suffering in this world? I see myself and others like me who were so good to our dead loved ones suffering with grief and in a lot of cases financial struggles since their deaths due to taking care of them and working less during that time and then I see ones like my sister and nephew who were not there for my Mom (heartless a**holes) prosper and I question God as I see that as a great injustice. I've read passages in psalms where the writers whine at God (much like I do) about the wicked prospering and I tell God "See! It was even happening right back then! WHY do You allow this to happen?!" So mine is along those lines then after ranting like that for awhile I get into telling Him I don't believe He even exists as no loving God would permit this to happen! A part of me keeps hearing my Mom's favourite saying in my mind "This too shall pass" She always said that during any sort of trouble. I have no regrets about taking care of my Mom . She was my best friend besides being my Mom and I love her beyond words. If I had to do it all over again I would. But I just can't seem to accept that people like my sister and nephew who are selfish self-centered ME ME'S prosper when they have never given without strings to anyone in their lives! So I blame God for allowing that to happen. During one of these rant sessions I had a dream one night where my Mom was sitting in front of me looking healthy and almost glowing and she said "Jenny, there is a God , Jesus Christ is real and the earth experience is like a refinery, You go through what you do to refine your character, to learn lessons." That was it! That was the whole dream! It felt SO real! I felt better for awhile after that but Thursday I started the ranting at God again. Oh I hope and pray "This too shall pass"! Love and hugs.