I'm Not Sure I Should Have Done This

[BeeMay]

In september, it was fathers day here. My sisiter lives 5 minutes from dad and didn't go over.mum only passssed in january.I was so angry that i sent this letter. now with whats happening with dad, and the fact he hasn't rung me for over two weeks to let me know what is happenign with his lady firend, I am regretting sending the letter. It did it's intended purpose at the time, she started spenidng more time with him and inviting him over. I sent an apology email a few weeks back, but never heard anything., Iactually rang her to find out what was happening with dad, and neither of us mentioned the letter.

here it is inits entirety, I feel very......mean, when i read it over now.

I was just so down,about mum, and dad being alone, he had told me he had answered an ad in the catholic weekly because was never home or rang him etc, then my other sister rang to tell me that del hadnt rung him at all.so I jsut lost it, and typed away a nd hit send.

so ere is me at my worst:

Not sure where to start, but not going over to dads or ringing him for Fathers day might be a start. I can't believe you did that. I don't care how unwell you felt, too sick to dial the phone number?(we know you don't feel well,you haven't felt well since.......sammy was born)

Adele, You have earned, yes earned the right to be looking after him.You know what I am talking about. Dad has seen you well over the last 20 years, he has given you a good start. Look around, what you have ,you would not have if it wasn't for mum and dad. I know, you have to pay it back blah blah blah, that is not the point, he has got you out of a jam more than once and provided the business that is enabling you to have your nice things around you.

You need to get your priorities right. I can remember when Faye and stu sold u the busianess, you had to buy them a present,$130 if i rmember for the water feature, come xmas, you asked me to go halves in one for mum and dad....$30.think about that. After mums funeral you had to buy sandy a present for helping.......did you get flowers for mums grave? .Things like this add up over time and it becomes obvious there is a pattern. How do you think we all feel as a family when we visit you and you can't be bothered to make us a cuppa, you have even said that at times, then along comes a friend,"hey would you like a cuppa?

As I said you have earned Dad, you owe him, it's time to pay the piper, and if that includes inviting him over for tea, including him when you ahve a BBQ,or if you drive to Maryborough or Bundy, "hey do you want to come along?' then thats what you meed to be doing.

Right now I know that if he died tomorrow, it could be 3 weeks before you found him, unless you needed something before that time of course. I have my gripes about Dad,he insults me all the time, but I cannot bear him sitting in that house alone grieving for mum.

Dad told us after everyone went home when mum died he didn't see you until it was time for him to organise the hosue while he was a way.. I know how easy it is to let time get away while you are busy, but hey he lives around the corner not half an hour away.He would love to be asked over for dinner once a week, but he knows it's not going to happen, he heads off at 5.30 or when your friends come over.

This year is going to be the worst one of his life, all the anniversaries and special days are hard. He got up in tears yesterday morning because it was fathers day and mum wasn't there. he waitied all day for you to come over or invite him over and you couldn't even ring.Lisa and I both rang expecting to either hear the noise of the kids in the background or have to ring your place to find him.......

It's just the same ole same ole really, you have always valued your friends over family. You didn't like to let them know you were haveing a BBQ cos you'd have to invite them.

I see you didn't wait too long to offer him peanuts for the spa. He could have sold it for 3,000 in the paper. You should have offered him more.You must be rubbing your hands together. Mum always said you two would get it one way or another.

i know after reading this you or garry will say hey theyre just jealous. It's not about the money, never has been, it is about appreciation for the handup you've ben given, and you don't , you don't seem to apperciate anything they've done for you, it's like it's your due somehow. well it's about time you do show your appreciation, now when he needs you the most.

next time I hear from Dad I hope I hear a lot about Adele and how wonderful shes is,inviting me here ,there and feeding me etc.

I hope the truth doesn't hurt too much but you need to know that your thoughtlessness affects others.

anyway you know where i am

Bernadette

[shell]

BeeMay,

I think your letter was right to the point and not really that nasty at all.It sounded more "factual" than nasty. Sometimes people like your sister need a wake up call and it sounds like at least you put some fire under her! Good for you. Don't regret sending it. It's how you felt (and rightfully so) and your feelings are important. I admire you for sending it.

Hugs,

Shell

[daddyslilgirl]

I agree with Shell. I wish I'd get up the nerve to write a few letters and send them myself. You have feelings and so does yor Dad and if he don't speck up, you should. Don't feel bad. You did nothing but state the truth. ))hugs((

[BeeMay]

Thanks girls, I needed that! (((((hugs)))))back+++

[magdalyn]

Bee May,

I think what you wrote was a good way to let your sister know how you feel. It is not good to let it build up, and it seems like you did that for a while, and you just couldn't take it anymore. She may have not liked what she heard, but she had to read it, and I am sure that she is thinking about it. She will come around eventually and thank you for it.

When my dad passed, I too said some things to my sister that I think she needed to hear. When we are experiencing grief, all our emotions seem to surface, isn't that strange? Then she came back and did the same thing to me. And it hurt, but I tried to listen to what she had to say. She almost died of encephalitis a few years back, and she seems to think that she has all the answers now that she was given a new chance at life. Well I do have a few years on her, and I let her know that she can learn from me too. We all think we are so right all of the time, but we need to realize that we can always use others take on things, whether we want to hear it or not. And eventually we may or may not realize what they are trying to say. Hopefully this will happen with your sister. You did the right thing!!!

Good luck with your sister, and hang in there for your dad. You are doing the right thing by being supportive for him.

XOXO,

Magdalyn

[BeeMay]

Bee May,

I think what you wrote was a good way to let your sister know how you feel. It is not good to let it build up, and it seems like you did that for a while, and you just couldn't take it anymore.

When my dad passed, I too said some things to my sister that I think she needed to hear. When we are experiencing grief, all our emotions seem to surface, isn't that strange?

XOXO,

Magdalyn

hi magdalyn

You are right about the build up, it's been coming for about 15 years LOL

It's amazing where all these feelings come from, they have been bubbling under the suface for years and then bang.it would still all be simmering in the background if mum had still been here. Mum was very emotional since her near death 5 years ago, so noone wanted to upset her.Dad would change the subject or walk of the room and find something else to do,if we touched on a topic he didn't like or was not prepared to change or discuss.

A lot of it has to do with my dads obvious preference to help one daughter over the other two over the years. now mumi s not here to........keep the feeling in check so to speak. the s*** has hit the fan.Well almost, it is going to erupt very shortly methinks. There is a lot of unresolved.......stuff........over the years and with dad seeminly avoiding us, I think there is a lot more to be said.

that is why I dread the phone ringing at the moment in case it's him.

I'm jsut not ready for it.

[shell]

Beemay,

Family issues can really surface after a loss! I think men (not all of you fit this catagory...especially the wonderful guys we have on this site!) tend to try to "ignore" emotional issues a lot. And your tolerance for "keeping the peace" can go right out the window after something like this happens to you. You are suffering and it's hard to swallow all these feelings. So I think letting them out the way you did is good.

Hugs,

Shell

[BeeMay]

Hi shell,

I'm now wondering wether I should write to my dad. we spoke on the phone the other night, and he is a tad upset that some people think he is taking up with another woman too soon.he said "I have to think about my self now",while that is true, there is a lot of resentment about this because my dad has always been selfish and thought of himself over mum. what makes one persons needs more important than anyone elses I don't know.But simple things as petty as who watches what on tv, or what time we left a gathering etc, was always dads perogative.And money........grrrr.My mum couldn't go out while on oxygen because he wouldn't spend the money for a portable, when he fianlly got one, he would still drag the huge one out to my sisters becasue the gas was free. He wouldn't take her out to the club, not sure if it was the money or not, I am seriously thinking that he was embarrased by mums condition, because now he is taking this woman to the club twice a week. That makes me mad, even wehn we were younger he didn't want to go anywhere socially.And the hand holding I've heard about,touchy feely stuff, he never did with mum,even when they were young.

I don't know whether to wirte or not, some stuff is going to come out.............if I do...........

[shell]

BeeMay,

That's a hard decision to make. I understand your resentment completely. To be honest, if I were in your shoes, I would probably never speak to my dad again. I would be so furious and hurt. So I think you are handling this whole situation very well. I have to say (and let's hope I'm wrong!) that I don't think anything is going to alter his opinions or actions. He just seems too wrapped up in his "new" life and himself to be thinking of anyone else. So, writing a letter would probably not do much good, except to make you feel better, which is worth a lot! It might also cause a seperation between the two of you. So, I guess you just have to weigh the whole thing and decide what's most important. I by no means would blame you if you write him...and if it makes you feel better, then it might be worth the fallout. I guess it's just one of those things you have to really think over carefully. I don't understand how people can become so selfish after a death, and not think about others, but there are a lot of people, who like your dad, seem to go that way. I'm so sorry, too, that you are having to deal with all this. It's just not fair!

Good luck with whatever you decide.

A big hug,

Shell

[BeeMay]

Hi shell, thanks again

not sure, I might just write it for myself LOL gewt it all out..........I know writing here helps a lot. I get it out, have a good cry, then read replies, which always help.

i'll give it a go.........maybe LOL

[shell]

BeeMay,

It's like telling someone off (all alone) and they're never going to hear it, but it makes you feel so much better! LOL! I do that a lot!

Hugs,

Shell

[AnnetteAZ]

I wrote a letter (and sent it) that I should not have and now I am very sorry. It ruined a relationship that I really need right now and I can't seem to remedy the situation. I still believe that I was right in what I wrote but it doesn't even matter in the long run...nothing changed except that now I am more alone than ever. I think it's better to write it and send it to ourselves until we can see whether or not it helps the situation or just lets us vent with no good coming out of it. I hope that you can work through your relationship problems because you really need all the love you can get right now. Good luck.

[Emmy]

I have no advice, although a lot of good advice has been offered...

i just wanted to give you my admiration for telling your sister how you feel... I have some pretty sorry family, and I could never speak up, even on paper.

Bravo!

[BeeMay]

Annette, thanks for that, I decided not to write to him, seems he is getting phone calls and letters from mums family already, so I won't add to it. He is aware of what everyone thinks by now. But I've written it in my head lots of times!

emmy

The letter to my sister hasn't really done anything,I know I sent it, I presume she recieved it, but it's not spoken of. nothing cnaged really LOL but I am glad I had my say, she at least knows how I feel.

regards

bee