I Can't Go On

[OreosMommy]

Oct. 13 I lost my best friend, baby, comfort, strength, support, the reason I got up every morning......

My hands are shaking typing this

Oreo......my sweet precious guinea piggie, 7 years old

I can't sleep..........i wildly move between grief stages literally second to second

i am exhausted but cant sleep......i hate life without my girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i get panic attacks when i think about her so my brain avoids thinking about her alot to protect me from a nervous breakdown - or so my dad tells me - but i feel GUILTY for this, but its like my brain is overriding my will ;'( but in a way i am ALWAYS thinking about her if this makes sense

lately i feel NUMB alot and almost INDIFFERENT/no feeling at ALL when i think about her and i am TORTURED by this ;'( ;'( is this just sleep deprivation and my brain going into "survival instinct" mode again to protect me????? ;'( ;'( ;'( i feel terrible and guilty for this and it panics me

i am ANGRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY and scared and frustrated and i really dont want to go on

i dont want to face it, or accept, or deal, or feel better, i just want my baby back

my family is insensitive to my feelings, they keep telling me to remember the good memories and that she is happy and in heaven (which technically in the back of my brain i know) and i need to move on and get over it and that i should be grateful for all the time we had together and that she isnt suffering anymore..........they say im being selfish, crazy, overreacting, and keep threatening to "take me to the ER and put me in the psych ward" ........;'( all of this is stressing me MORE

as i write this, i keep saying in my head "no, baby, no! dont leave me!" and i keep telling her i love her over and over again...............................then my brain panics and diverts or something!!!!!!!!

she feels SOO far away and im terrified

sometimes i cant remember our last moment together - i held her- like i cant see the look in her eye she gave me and i PANIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ;'( im terrified its going to fade away from my mind's eye..............do you think this is just a result of sleep deprivation and trauma ???????? ;'( ;/ ;/ ;/ ;/ ;/ ;/ ;/

it happened so unexpectedly and fast ;'( ;'(

thank you for listening........im sorry if im too "intense" or anything, i just cant believe it still...........i want to just go to heaven to be with her................i hate this, i dont WANT to deal or face it ...................im terrified, exhausted, and i cant stand being around my insensitive family..............................i dont think i can go on, i just want to go to sleep and never wake up

I love my baby

[avsqr_dancer]

I am so sorry for you loss. All that you are feeling is normal, and the fact that you are not sleeping does not help. It just magnifies all those feelings. Try not to stuff down you feelings. As hard as it is, feeling the grief will help you to eventually heal. Accept your feelings and try to understand that others in your family are just trying to help you in the best way they know how, even though they making you angry and you are only feeling worst. Hang in there and know that it will get easier with time. Here are other animal lovers who do understand, and perhaps by reading other posts here as well, you will find some comfort and comradiary with others in your situation. I wish you well and will keep you in my prayers.

[MartyT]

Dear Friend,

We're so very sorry to learn of the death of your precious Oreo. It's unfortunate that when a cherished but tiny pet such as a Guinea pig, hamster, mouse or goldfish dies, others may be even less likely to understand our reactions, or to offer sympathy and support. We may even be the recipient of some very insensitive remarks from others who fail to appreciate the bond that exists between us. But no matter what the size or the species, the love we share with these dear little creatures is just as real as any other, and so is the pain we experience when they die.

You may find this article helpful: I've Lost Two Little Lives ~ My Grief Hurts.

See also the darling children's book by Robie Harris, Goodbye Mousie.

[Maylissa]

Wecome to the site, Oreo's Mommy, and naturally I'm so sorry you lost Oreo and are having to go through all this anguish...just as I feel sorry for myself and all of us here who suffer so in the face of physical death. What you're describing is so similar to how I've felt and still feel oftentimes. I'd written here myself about the 'deadness' and indifference, or lack of feeling anything much at all, and how frightening that in itself is! Since I'd never experienced this to this degree before, it was very worrisome to me as well. What I can tell you now is that since I've slowly and gradually started coming out of it, over the course of 80 days since we lost our Nissa, I can recognize it for the defense mechanism it is. I, too, have purposely AS WELL AS subconsciously avoided the deep pain of my loss and BOTH states are very painful.

The fact that you're not only not getting much, if any, support, but also are being told there's something wrong with you and your feelings, is naturally complicating your normal grief. I feel so terribly sorry for you in this, as I don't know where I'd be had I not had support for Nissa's passing. My own support system is still not as good as I'd wish, and I still get incredibly frustrated with people not being willing to remember that no matter how I might appear at any given time, the anguish is still constant and underlies every single thing I do or think or feel otherwise. So know you're not alone in this, even though your support system rather sucks by comparison to mine! Grief counselling might be one of many ways to try and find better support for yourself as you go through this, as is, of course, coming here to vent and rage away ~ NO ONE will judge you poorly here for this! I know it's not the same, or as good as having someone physically there for you, but we can only keep searching for support as best we can. And IF there's a local pet loss group in your area, you could check that out as well. If not, please do read some of the many resources on the main GH site, just to reaffirm to yourself that you're not going 'nuts', but that you're normal and grieving normally...even if that grief seems impossible to survive. (it's also not like I always sound so confident about it all, either! )

And perhaps Marty, the founder and 'resident' grief counselor and source of inspiration here, will also see your post and help you out further, too. (sorry to put you on the spot, Marty, but it sounds to me like this poor woman could use some of your compassionate, calming and reassuring words! ) You might also check out some of Marty's ever-helpful replies on this and other forums (via Options under her own Profile), as all grief is grief and all loss is loss in one way or another, so many concepts can also apply, even though the type of loss is different.

To try concentrating ONLY on the good memories, or any one type of memory to the exclusion of the painful ones, is not only unrealistic, but imbalanced and unhealthy. So I can relate to getting angry with those who keep insisting that we focus on the good parts alone...that's no way to purge ourselves of our sorrow, if that sorrow is being denied and stuffed!

Please continue to come back and talk as needed, even if that's more than once/day. I, too, hate my life w/o my girl and now I've been thrown another curveball in the form of what appears to be a homeless GREY cat who's hanging around our house....something I don't want to have to deal with right now, as I DON'T want another furbaby in my life yet, especially one with existing health problems! Sigh.....too often life is too complicated and too tough to handle alone, and that's when we need to learn to reach out and be as honest with ourselves and others as possible about what we need.

You might even find one or more articles or replies here that you'd like to print out for your non-supportive family...just to let them know it's not just YOU who feels this way.

PS. I see Marty and I were cross-posting at the same time and she's already made a couple of suggestions for you....thanks, Marty! Oh, and I'd highly suggest you read Kim Sheridan's book, "Animals and the Afterlife" (listed in the Pet Loss section of the main site). Her own stories are about her RAT companions and I just know you would find her views on the worth, value and close relationships with ANY kind of animal most affirming. It's one of the best books I've ever read, and I read a LOT.

Edited November 13, 2006 by Maylissa

[STARKISS]

Hi Oreosmom,

I am so very sorry for your loss, I know when I loss my hamster Tammy I cried for a whole day.... I know it was a hamster but she was mine and she was someone to come home to and to talk too.. Take care Shelley

[Emmy]

The loss of a "Unusual" pet is strange, because the same people who would cry with you if it was a dog or a cat, seem to think a guinea pig is replaceable, while everyone who has loved one knows they are just as secial and loved as any animal.

It may sound stupid, but try vegging.

Find a comedy on the tv, or a great book that makes you giggle, and try having a really hard laughing fit...

laughing is hard when you're hurting, but it can help.... and don't be afarid to cry, or write out just how you feel about it.

Every animal leaves its mark on our heart, and somehow, the pain of lossing them isn't enough to make us regret having the joy of their company.

I hope you feel better soon. But don't feel that there's any limit on your grieving time.