Finally!...a Visitation 'dream' Of Nissa!

[Maylissa]

Well, FINALLY, 2 days ago, I had what I think was a real Visitation 'Dream' of my gal, after waiting about 3.5 months since her 'departure'! While it wasn't tactile, as I would have preferred, it still felt and seemed like a real visitation, because of not only the inner feeling I got during it, but because of that indescribable sense of everything feeling totally REAL, rather than dreamlike.

It was too brief, but the good and strong feelings it produced are lasting (another usual marker of my previous visitations, rather than dreams), even alongside my grief symptoms.

I was looking upwards to the 2 sets of stairs we have (a 'split' house) and thought I saw a shadow or something (I also called Nissa my Shadow Girl, since with her medium grey colour she could so easily 'disappear'/blend into shadows and other things) on one set of stairs. Then I thought I saw some movement in that shadow, so did a double-take, even thinking, "Is that my GIRL, come at LAST, through a visible sign????" And as suddenly as I had this thought, this shadow metamorphed into HER, actually sitting on the step...and immediately she began saying "HIII-iii!" to me, just like normal, sounding just like normal (unlike some other plain dreams I'd had, where her voice wasn't quite 'right'), and just as she always did when she saw me while making her way downstairs for the day. She then quickly got up and started coming down the rest of that flight of stairs, calling me still, and onto the last flight, towards me...as if we were just normally starting our usual day and I'd soon be opening the door for her to sniff/check the weather outside. I was SOOOOO excited and so incredibly happy to finally SEE her, even if it only lasted a few seconds (my excitement woke me up before she even got to the bottom of the stairs....darn!), that I almost woke my husband up right then and there to share the good news! I noted also that she now looked 'plumper', more satiny and healthier again, as if she were in her best years...another thing that wasn't apparent in other dreams of her....and another keynote of visitations, from what I understand.

I don't know...it was just so comforting that this was a tiny slice of normalcy, a moment like thousands of others that I'd experienced countless times in our life together. Somehow, this was part of this visit's 'specialness', and what is making such an inner impression on me in its afterglow. It just made ME feel more normal and like a Mom again, and perhaps that's why it played out in this particular way. Perhaps Nissa knows that's what I need so much and so she accomodated me and my feelings, as she so often did. I'm still hoping and praying for a visitation where we can actually KISS each other on the lips again, also a normal part of our days together...but I'll take THIS in the meantime! It was like really and truly seeing my girl again and for that, I'm SO thankful!

I LOVE you, Sweetie, my Hun-Bun, my Galski!!...always did, still do, always will..... And , from the bottom of my own, big, pink, fuzzy heart!

[lorikelly]

Mayliss

I am so happy for you. i hope i have one of my mom. i believe so much that they do happy. she probably knew that you needed her. I can't tell you how this gives me hope that maybe my mom will come to me. You deserve it. Lori

[Maylissa]

Thank you, Lori. So you know, I never got a visitation 'dream' from my Mum for quite awhile, either...but then I got 2, fairly close together. One of them was also really brief, but worth the wait, as the feeling of love was just pouring from her to me, and the look in her eyes said it all, too.

This is the first from my gal, but I still won't be satisfied with only ONE! When one goes from spending almost every waking moment with someone beloved, to only these brief, few and far-between moments where you really feel like you're with them....it's SOOOOOO hard! I just get greedy for more of that love and normalcy!

[avsqr_dancer]

I am so happy for you, Maylissa, that you finally had a visitation from Nissa, and for the comfort it brought you. I hope to some day have a visitation from Tawny and from my parents too. But perhaps I do not have enough faith or am not a "true believer," I'm not sure how to put it. All I have had so far iare dreams about all three and none of the dreams have been happy ones. Most have been sad or worrisome, just mirrowing my own feelings.

This is such a tough time for me now. I feel like I am regressing and I am so thankful for this board and for people like you who I can openly and honestly express how I feel. Yesterday I was going through my drawers and found the sweaters for Tanner and Tawny, and that just started up a well of tears. Rick's (H) only comment was that she barely ever wore that sweater so why would seeing it make me cry. Again he doesn't get it! What I realize (probably again!) is that the loss of my brother-in-law (about 9 months ago) and the loss of Tawny is about more than just the pain and missing of them-esp missing of Tawny. It also ended my relative feeling of calm and my feeling of being finally in a good place in my life-even though my parents were gone. Before BIL and Tawny's loss, I felt that things were good in my life and that I had 2 young (and supposedly healthy) dogs and a relatively young, seemingly healthy husband and that I could look forward to a lot more time with all 3 of them. But now, of course, I worry about Rick and about Tanner and Sweet Pea, and any sense of calm is over! No, it isn't a constant worry-even I can't keep that up-but it is there and I HATE that feeling.

Thank you for letting me share and get this off my chest. I know that I cannot change the fate of any of us, that worrying about it doesn't change it, but only makes me feel worse, and that I just have to try to stay calm and to believe. So hard for me.

[Maylissa]

Serl,

Thanks...I'm happy about this visitation, too, although it's not like it's taking any great chunks out of the REST of the grief, either. It just becomes one GOOD thing I can start building from. (I'll be writing about the OTHER stuff right after this!)

I haven't noticed that being a believer or not has anything readily explainable to do with signs, frankly. Some folks who have wildly different beliefs, and even those who definitely DON'T believe in such things, can also get signs. Some say that this is to teach them they were mistaken, and so give them a 'new lease on life'. Some say that once you DO believe, there's less reason for our loved ones to come through, as we don't need it as much. I suspect that neither theory is really entirely right, as I'm not sure this has born out for everyone, including me. Some say that too intense feelings stop things from getting through to us, but that's not been so in my case. So to me, it remains quite a mystery and I wish it weren't so, as I like having answers! The only thing I'm truly suspecting is that if I'm so despondent that I'm not even noticing ANYTHING around me much, I'll miss anything that might be right in front of my nose!

I know what you mean, about the sweaters, and I feel for you also not having your H really understand how these things rip us up inside, regardless of frequency of use, or anything else! It's still a memory of our loved one(s) and pretty much all of them can potentially hurt for a long time. What's good though, is that you're getting insight into yourself and your own process/thinking. I've had the same feeling, too, about the anticipated future being ripped out from underneath me..all expectations torn asunder.

For instance, I've found it so horribly ironic that our income FINALLY became more abundant, which served us well during Nissa's final few months of higher than normal vet bills, BUT, if we'd had this same income for longer, I'd have been more able to access the other means of care for Nissa as I'd really wanted to. So I really hate that truism about change being the only real constant in this world. Also in like fashion, I'm becoming more and more truly afraid of anything happening that would leave me w/o my H, or leave him in my care. All sorts of other things aside, it's become very apparent that I have no one who would really help me out, other than, in their 'infinite wisdom', to try and get me to go out for some socializing. No one would be there for me otherwise, even with a human loss and in fact, if past experience is any indication, they'd all likely make matters even worse! So yes, I'm pretty terrified, too and it does underlie any relative surface calm. Knowing about everything's and everyone's impermanence in the physical world is still nothing like actually having to deal with it!

And while this board is invaluable in many ways, it simply can't be a substitute for the physical presence of those who care and DO things for you, or with you. This has been brought home to me quite forcefully in the last few days, when I realized and discovered that not one person we know has even asked us what OUR plans are for the holidays, though I've made a point of asking about theirs, even through my pain. Though they know already that we don't plan on anything for Christmas Day itself, and some know we're going away afterwards, the rest of the days are of no concern to them as far as we go. I'd even tried, almost 2 months in advance, to make plans with another couple for another evening during holidays, but they never got back to me, and now they're BOOKED SOLID! Now I figure if one can try to book ahead, but still get rejected in favour of newer options, what hope is there to try and help oneself? (and then people tell you not to get bitter!!)

And this was from someone who'd had a loss last year and I made sure I did things for her throughout, despite my growing challenges with Nissa at the time. She swore I'd be remembered, as she, too, had many people around her treating her poorly and with no empathy. Only one year later, and I've been dismissed already. She always says we should get together more frequently than we do, but obviously isn't taking any action to get this accomplished. It's the same old story...even in my own sorrow, if it wasn't for ME heading up any plans with people, nothing would happen. So much for that other theory, about giving what you'd like to receive and having that come back to you. In my case, it doesn't seem to work that way. I REALLY need nicer friends, but don't know where to find them!

Well, I've gone WAY off topic now! Sorry...guess I needed a little venting, too! I'm off to post my other topic now. Keep in touch...I think we can both use all the support we can get right now! And I give you full 'permission' to worry as much and as long as you want!