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Trying To Continue To Fight

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My names Theresa I just found this Website and am so greatful. My fiance passed New Years Eve. We were together eight years, he was ill but at times would do well. I almost lost him several times but he would make it always telling me Honey I'll be ok I'm tough. Back and fourth to hospitals doctors and liver center. We were so close he was my best friend. When I first met him it felt like we had known eachother forever. I actually think he was the first man I every really was in love with. I was married for seventeen years, my x was very abusive, then I met Eddie. We were going to be married after his liver transplant. Two years ago I became ill as well. I have system Lupus with organ involvement and other diseases from the Lupus. Eddie and I were there for eachother. Last summer when I was very ill in the hospital Eddie told me you can't leave me I can't go on without you. In my mind I started thinking it was going to be me first. He was always so worried that if something happened to him I would give up. I missed several of my treatments after he passed feeling like I just couldn't go on. I know I need to fight for my children and I am. I just feel so lost with out him. On someones post they mentioned signs, I have had several from my Eddie. I keep thinking of when he passed and things we talked about, sometimes it feels like it was yesterday. Going for Chemo last week I had to pull over on the side of the road crying then a song came on the radio that he loved and use to say it reminded him of us. Some nights I have woke up with the feeling of him laying next to me and I look and no one is there. I have a hard time understanding why God would bring us together and then I end up sick also and then he took Eddie. I have some guilt because he called me the night before his seizure and told me he was very confused. I had been at the hospital with my Dad he had had a heart attach and going back and fourth and being sick I was so tired. I called Eddies doctor and he told me Eddie would be ok his emonia levels were up and they had increased his lactolose. I told Eddie what the doctor said and that I would be there first thing in the morning. Early the next morning I got a call from the hospital to get there right away they were working on him and didn't know if he would make it. I rushed to the hospital and he was in icu with doctors everywhere, I told him honey im here and he sat straight up in the bed and looked at me and fell back. He lived three days after that but was on respirator. My guilt is the first time I wasn't there this happened. I wish I could turn back time I would have gone to the hospital that night and stayed with him. The doctor said he would be ok, this haunts me daily and I keep replaying it in my mind. I miss him so much.

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My heart goes out to you. I keep wondering how many years will I feel the lonliness that I feel. there are so many similarities between your story and mine. when my Bruce was sent to a hospice I spent the 1st night with him. Then I told him that I'd be back the next day and everyday. Even though his cancer had spread to his liver by then, I still thought he had more time. That night at 2a.m. something told me to call the hospice, but I didn't bother because he was to weak to answer the phone anyway. A minute later they called me to say that he had passed away. I get the feeling that it was his choice to go then because he was a man with a lot of pride. He did not want a lot of people seeing him like that. I'm sure that Bruce is as irreplacable to me as your Eddie is to you. If you need to talk I'm here.

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yellowroseoftex03 -

I lost my wife June 5, 2004 to liver disease. When I see ammonia levels, lactulose, seizures, etc - I can definitely relate to your pain. The first GI guy that saw my wife said she'd survive, none of the subsequent docs ever said that again.

My wife never went into ICU - she was at home, recovering slowly from her hospitalization, then had a bad bleed. Went to hospice, had another bad bleed, slipped into a coma and died two days later.

I held her hand as she slipped away. I was there at the end. Really tore me up, but I know I did the right thing.

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