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goldsunshine897

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Everything posted by goldsunshine897

  1. Discussion Forum is Not Private?

    It's been a long time since I've been here, but I'm now concerned about my old posts. Why? I was on Bing's search engine and I accidentally typed my email address into their search box. Bing brought up all my private posts from this forum. I was so surprised. I thought that only people using the forum could read them. Does anyone know if this is the norm.

  2. Thank you kayc. I'm still in the marriage and I'm planning my exit strategy. I believe that with God's guidance, I'll get out of this the best way I can.
  3. I feel so strange writing these words after reading what I wrote years before. But nothing stays the same forever in life and I will embrace this change. Apparently I was wrong about the previously mentioned relationship. I believe that I went into things too quickly and didn't understand who I was getting involved with. This relationship has become abusive and I am currently seeing a counselor to help me deal with effects and to see what my options are. I wonder if the loneliness I felt at the loss of my mom left me vulnerable to this type of treatment. But nevertheless, I'll let this be a good lesson to me to take my time when it comes to starting a new relationship while you are still grieving someone's loss.
  4. I wondered how many more years would go by before I would get to write something like this. I looked forward to the day that someone would want to share their heart with me. I believe I have finally found that person. To backtrack, I lost my common law husband to cancer 6 yrs ago. Then I lost my dear mom suddenly 7 months ago. I'm a pretty shy, introverted girl and my whole world consisted of only those 2 people. I prayed night and day for God to bring someone into my life, and its so ironic. He moved into my mom's old apartment. He's really kind, helpful, and we don't mind putting up with each other's baggage. For the last six weeks its been sort of a world-wind romance, we seem to innately understand each other. I didn't come here to brag about this to anyone. It's not my intention to make anyone feel small, only to uplift people. If someone reading this has lost their significant other, please know that if a shy loner like me, who hasn't dated in years could find someone, anybody can.
  5. Hi everyone! I just wanted to send my wish that everyone has the best holiday season they can under the circumstances. I know that some are dealing with deep depression and so I will say a special prayer to my entire family here. (I believe we're all like a family). It's been 3 months since I lost my mom, and the only thing that brings me comfort is knowing that she's in a better place. While my mom wasn't a sickly person per se (heart disease but she seemed ok), the truth is she didn't enjoy living life that much. Her whole life was very hard- lousy childhood, she lost her mom very young, so she didn't trust people very much. As close as we were she still had a wall up till her dying day. After retirement she became more sad. She had no savings, no close friends, depressed about all the weight she gained, bills, pills, no car, etc. I was the optimist who always tried to cheer her up, and she was the pessimist who told me,"You just don't understand." I always helped her financially but she felt bad taking money from me. I believe she's in heaven now experiencing true joy and peace for the 1st time. If I could have my mommy here for a little while longer, I would. But not unhappy. I'd rather that she be there and happy, than here and miserable. And that helps me deal with the holidays- I don't have to worry about my mom anymore. May 2010 bring love, comfort, and peace to you all.
  6. It's been about 5 weeks since my mom's passing. It's hard to believe how quickly time is passing. The anxiety I was feeling sleeping alone at night has subsided a little but I think I should still see someone like a counselor to talk things out. I can get a few sessions with someone thru my job. Now the thing I have to do next is return her keys to the landlord. They have finished painting my mom's apartment and getting it ready to be rented again, and now its time for me to give the keys over. But everyday I keep putting it off. It's not because I want to go inside- I feel uncomfortable when I go in there now. It's just that when I give back her keys, that means its really over. I won't be able to go in again. I think its kinda silly for me to worry about this because I took out everything of hers that I want to keep. There is plenty to remember her by. It's going to be esp hard returning her mailbox key. I take out all her junk-mail and bills and throw them away. Postal service says that it will take up to 3 months to cancel all her mail. In the meantime I don't want a stranger getting their hands on it, even if it is going in the trash.
  7. Hi BevR. Welcome to our group and I'm so sorry for the loss of your Mom. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers at this time. Please know that everything you are feeling is normal. We all grieve a little differently from everyone else. I guess that no one can really tell you when you should go back to work, because there are obvious reasons you should go and reasons you should wait. If it were me, I would just pray about it and maybe talk to a therapist too. Coincidentally, I'm getting ready to take advantage of counseling through my employer to help me deal with similar issues too. I hope everything works out well for you. Take care of yourself.
  8. Hello Jessy, I will pray that God continues to help and heal your heart like He has done for mine. May God bless your family.
  9. Hi young friend! Please believe me, there is NOTHING WRONG with you. Everything you've written about is very normal. Crying is normal, and not crying is normal too. It's harder for some of us to cry than for others. I noticed that when things in my life got quiet and there weren't anymore people coming and going, that's when my tears began welling up. (Then the phone rang and my tears went away again). It's all ok though because God knows how much I love my mom and how much I'm going to miss her. If you feel you can't cry in front of others, then let it out when you are alone. Don't force it, but don't stop the tears either. If you need to write to any of us we are here for you. You'll be ok.
  10. Hello DebFromLodi, Everything seems to be fine on my end. I think the site is working.
  11. Thank you so much for your kind words, actually you give great advice because you are here in this with me. We have a lot in common. I don't have a strong need to look at my mom's pictures like I did days ago because it is painful and uncomfortable now. I'm still nervous at night and the little sleep I get is with the lights on. It occured to me that I may have to move out of this building. I thought I'd be "safe" from painful memories as long as I stayed downstairs (she lived upstairs), but it isn't true. This whole building is flooded with her memories or rather her "presence". I don't look forward to the hassle of moving but it may be the only thing I can do to feel more comfortable. I'm withdrawing from the online classes I was taking because obviously I can't concentrate on them at this time. I re-registered for the Nov term- I'm hoping I'll be ready for classes then. I've been praying for strength and I believe God answered my prayers. It feels like I have accepted her death now which may be why I don't want to get but so close to the memories.
  12. I wrote previously that I was feeling numb when my mom died. It took about 2 days for the reality of it to hit me. I kept walking around to my mom's favorite stores and grabbing every picture I could and making extra copies so that I wouldn't be left with no pictures of her. I came home to the silence of my apt and broke down. Who am I going to talk to now? I can try to get closer to her other relatives that I never met but it wouldn't be the same- they don't know me. It's not like talking to someone who you have history with. And now I notice that I feel a little uncomfortable looking at all these pics of my mom. It's like, my soul has accepted that she's not here anymore, but the photos make her seem real close. At night I feel nervous and a little scared because I live alone. My mom lived in the apt above me so I rarely felt this alone before. But now I can't sleep unless all the lights are on and the tv and radio too. Mom and my sister were never that close so she's having an easier time with this- she can't relate to what I'm feeling. I'm thinking crazy thoughts about how to cope with this void, like running off and marrying the very next man I meet; just to fill the void. Or I could do something more realistic like adopting a pet- it would be great to have something to hold that would be comforting. I don't know.
  13. Hello everyone. I send my condolences to everyone in this forum. Losing a parent can be especially hard. This is my 2nd significent loss in about 5 years. My mom passed away in her sleep this past Thur. morning. Even though she was 70 y.o. and had catherization done months ago, I wasn't expecting this. (Why do we all say that). I mean, she had more energy than ever before, she was walking alot more than before surgery and she told me she hasn't felt this good in years. She went out shopping on Wed and she sounded fine. They think its natural causes but it doesn't feel natural to me. I wanted and prayed for her to live to be 100, but a few months ago she said that people probably aren't meant to live past 70. (Why did she have to say that) . My sister and I have been doing so much running around that I haven't had the time to stop and feel what's happening here. I haven't cried at all since her death and I do miss her but for some reason I go numb when things like this happen. I do feel the knot in my stomach but I become detached and analytical about her death. I know its good to cry and I'm really not holding anything back but I'm wondering why this is happening again. When my fiance passed away I didn't cry until much later after everyone else had finished.
  14. Hello Stallyn, and Merry Christmas to you . Or Happy Holidays , whichever you prefer I don't seem to have a lot in common with many people but I don't blame them for that. Since I've always had a tendency towards being quiet and going straight from home to work and back- I probably wouldn't have much to say right? Little by little I am determined to change that though. I'm currently finishing up my college application and when I'm back in school again it will slowly help me to meet more people. I guess that shows that I'm healing from losing Bruce 4 years ago.
  15. To Stallyn, Well, the online thing actually worked out for you that's good. Don't worry about any criticism- I know that some people have tried it and it really worked for them. It's just that there are so many potentially bad matches that I'm cautious about taking the risk. I wouldn't knock anyone who tried it though so Congratulations!
  16. To mlg, Hello to you and thank you for responding. You are so right. I was just thinking that I should stop worrying about dating, and concentrate more on just living my life and growing. I wasn't looking for someone when I met Bruce so I shouldn't feel like I must date someone now. I've decided to work more on hobbies and going out alone if I must. I'm also considering going back to school, I figure I'll probably meet people with similar interests anyway. Thank you for the advice. Gold
  17. Hi fred, Thanks so much for the hug, and here's one back for you You guys have written some thoughtful and very true words. If I sounded like I was throwing a pity party for myself- I wasn't, just venting you know . Its funny, your wife sounds like Bruce and you like me in that he talked to EVERYONE, and I was more private and cautious. But we both learned from each other, Bruce had to learn to keep some things private and I had to learn that I can't wait for others to initiate all conversations. It's a process that's for sure. I am pretty unsure about online dating so I just concentrate on going out more by myself. My coworkers don't seem to like the same things that I do so instead of missing out on shows, concerts etc like I used to, I end up going places alone now. Its ok because little by little I am starting to enjoy life more and I can always meet people when I'm out. Thank you again for the kind words fred.
  18. Hi everyone, It's been a long time since I posted here, but suddenly today I felt the need to. I lost Bruce over 4 yrs ago and time has slowly revealed a problem that I had forgot I had. I was always a shy socially awkward person. I would go to work, then school then home and that's it. I never had alot of friends as a adult so I didn't do many fun things at all. I met Bruce at work one day and we were together ever since (8yrs). I have coped pretty well now with his death, it's just that I haven't dated anyone or made any close friends either. I do feel lonely now and I definitely want to share my life with someone -but its so hard getting out there on the dating scene; I'm a complete novice. Some coworkers keep asking me why I don't have a boyfriend yet and I feel so uncomfortable I just don't know what to say. It makes me want to clam up and not speak to anyone, but that only leads to more shyness so I know that's not good. When I was with Bruce- I didn't have a life so I lived vicariously through him. I actually merged my identity with his. I see now that that wasn't healthy which is why I really want to live life to the fullest now. But if the thought of inviting a man over for coffee is so nerve-wracking that my stomach gets into knots, I don't know how or when I'll get over this. I've read that some of you have found love and happiness after your loss and I am truly happy for you. My prayer is that I will one day soon be able to come back and post about my growth in this area. I appreciate any thoughts or responses you may have to what I wrote. Thank you much.
  19. Hi everyone. It's been about a year since I lost my boyfriend and I know it's time to "move on". But its harder than I realized it would be. This is the first time that I have been alone in 9 yrs. and I guess I depended on him for everything. I want to share my feelings of lonliness with others but I'm afraid that I'll burden them with my problems. I know life will eventually get better, I just want to know when.
  20. It's been 9 months since my boyfriend died and I'm not totally sure if I am doing well or not. I mean I can still go to work everyday and most days I manage not to cry, but I dont think that I am really living life. I'm just surviving. I'm embarassed to say this to people but I led a very sheltered life before I met Bruce. And even while living with him I didn't do much outside of him. I just went to work and school and then came home. Now that he's gone I hear so much about learning to enjoy life again, but I always lived in fear of life and other people. During the 8 yrs we lived together I managed to put my project of becoming my own person on the shelf, and I just lived vicariously thru him. Which was very easy to do- I was introverted, he was extroverted and always very exciting to be around. Now I have to remember to work on me. I think that he would want me to be my own woman. I do believe that he is in heaven now and that I will see him one day- my faith in the Bible was the only thing that helped me deal with his death. I want to show Bruce that within the next year I will finally learn to enjoy life and make the best of it.
  21. Hello JeanetteD, I am so sorry for all of the pain that you are in. I will say a special prayer for you tonight. It is especially sad that your minister is not giving you a good Chrisitian response to your situation, or even an intelligent response. Please don't feel embarrassed about your feelings, they are all normal responses. And please don't bottle up your feelings or suppress them by working too much, your body will find a way to release anything that you are suppressing. I've learned this recently thru my own grieving process. I wish you peace.
  22. Hello everyone. I find that I need this website more and more to connect with people who can relate to what I'm feeling. It has been 10 weeks now since Bruce died, and I'm noticing that I can't concentrate on things like I used to. I just daydream so much about him- good things and bad. Also my memory is not so good lately which surprises me. I just write down a to-do list for myself often so that my life wont completely fall apart. I can't seem to decide on what to do a lot of the time, and I change my mind so much that I don't want to promise people anything. For instance sometimes I feel I need a new apartment immediately, then I think that its not so urgent at all. Since his death I hurried up and got my driver's license and told everyone that I was getting a car, now I feel like I should wait because the train isn't so bad. My concern now is whether or not I'm really ready to go back to school this fall. I love taking college classes but I need to be able to concentrate and focus in order to do well. If I haven't gotten it together by Sept then I may have to postpone classes again until Spring. I guess I'm worried what my coworkers will say- because they feel like I spend too much time at home anyway. They have been advising me go back to school this Fall and if I don't go I dont want to see that disapproving look on their faces. I know that the truth is that I gotta do what is best for me right now- even if that means doing nothing.
  23. Hello Aljosa, Your situation sounds similar to mine. I don't know if I can be of help to you but you have helped me feel like I'm not alone. You see I am 33 and my boyfriend was 49 when he passed, but both of us look more than 10 yrs younger than our age. I guess I'm a widow but that label seems strange to me because of my age. My coworkers are surprised that someone so young is a widow. If you are ready to date then I guess you are coping very well. As for me it is way to soon to even contemplate it. Besides I would probably talk about Bruce all the time. I too feel numb when I'm busy or if there is too much going on. But if I sit quietly and think about him, or hear one of his songs playing, I feel the growing lump in my throat. That's why I don't want friends coming over to "comfort" me, or force me to go out because they distract me. I want to sit quietly and remember. Does that make sense? Well anyway I want you to know that you are not alone.
  24. My heart goes out to you. I keep wondering how many years will I feel the lonliness that I feel. there are so many similarities between your story and mine. when my Bruce was sent to a hospice I spent the 1st night with him. Then I told him that I'd be back the next day and everyday. Even though his cancer had spread to his liver by then, I still thought he had more time. That night at 2a.m. something told me to call the hospice, but I didn't bother because he was to weak to answer the phone anyway. A minute later they called me to say that he had passed away. I get the feeling that it was his choice to go then because he was a man with a lot of pride. He did not want a lot of people seeing him like that. I'm sure that Bruce is as irreplacable to me as your Eddie is to you. If you need to talk I'm here.
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