My Grandfather

[Deb]

My grandfather passed away last Friday. He was in the hospital and could not keep his food down. It aspirated into his lungs and he could not breathe. He refused to accept a feeding tube and respirator. They put him on a morphine drip and he died in his sleep a week later. Because of he was several states away, I could not visit him.

I pray to God every day and ask to understand his decision, but I can't. I am so angry with him for doing this.

The hardest thing for me to deal with is that I feel he starved himself to death and we let him. What if he changed his mind but could not tell us because of the morphine? Should we have forced him to accept treatment? Every day during his last week I was hoping to hear that it was over, and I hated myself for being so selfish.

My husband and friends tell me that I will feel better as time goes on, but right now it seems that this is impossible. I know that my Mom and Grandmother are grieving too, but I can't bring myself to talk to them. I don't want them to see me so upset.

Thanks for letting me post this... I think it helped a bit to write this down.

[LoriS.]

Deb, Believe me when I say that your grandfather knew what he wanted and he did make the right decision not to suffer anymore. I was fortunate enough to have had a talk with my mom a few months before she died and she told me to absolutely not put in a feeding tube when the time came. She had a very positive attitude and understanding about what was to eventually happen to her. After all she was 85 and had seen so many others go through death. She also had the morphine. It was very sad to watch, but I know that it was the quickest and least painful way for her. My brothers and I were in agreement with each other and my mom was even slightly aware of what was happening. She slept a lot on and off and we did help her eat when she wanted a little soft food.

And no, you weren't selfish for wishing for it to be over quickly. Try not to beat yourself about this.

Take care...Lori

[shell]

Deb,

I second what LoriS told you. My mom also had many times said she didn't want feeding tubes and stuff like that. And I have heard that food can sometimes make dying people suffer more. I don't know that for a fact, but been told and also read things on it. I mentioned to the head nurse at my doctors office (who is really the person I go to for info) that maybe we should have let them put a feeding tube in, but she told me that I did the right thing. She said it was not a pleasant thing at all and especially since my mom didn't want one, that it was good to let someone die with dignity. That really made me feel better, because the whole time my mom was sick, I kept her hair brushed, put her prettiest nighties on her, rubbed lavender lotion on her arms and legs, and even gave her a facial one day when she was feeling well enough....anything to let her feel more pride and dignity. Maybe this will give you a different slant on the situation to think about. Your grandfather knew what he wanted and everyone honored his wishes, which is the very best we can do, even when it's hard on us. I'm sorry for your loss. And wanting it to be over quickly is not selfish, it's concern for the person you love. I think most of us on here would say that we wished the same thing for our loved ones. Take care.

Hugs,

Shell

[Deb]

Thank you. It does help me understand his decision. I loved him so much and it hurt me to think he would want to leave us.

I thought I was doing better today, I was able to talk about him to my friends and not cry. Then I came home and sobbed for 2 hours.

I will always think of him in his workshop.. and listening to classical music.

[shell]

Deb,

Some people want to "leave us" because they don't want us to be dragged through months and months of the pain associated with someone being ill. They love us enough that they don't want to burden us. And the more I see and the older I get, I can understand when you know you are very ill that you sometimes just want to give up and go. You get tired and have lived through a lot in life and you're ready to pass on. Maybe your grandfather felt that way. It's normal really. So just be glad that he went quickly and on his terms.

The memories you have of him will not be as sad someday. And the rollercoaster ride of grief is like that...one moment you're handling it and the next your bawling, so it's ok. Just hang in there and give it time (a LOT of time!) and things will get easier.

Big hug,

Shell

[rosanne]

Deb,

So sorry for your loss. My mom died June of this year, and she also did not want a feeding tube, I was with her and I had feelings at times that I wanted her to eat and drink, but she was so sick- we do not realize that the sight, or smell of food can make you sick when they are in that shape. When my mom was eating (if that is what you want to call it) she would take her food and rearrange it on her plate and tell me she was eating! You made the right decision. It is so hard to let go of your loved one- every day is hard, and you do have days where you are o.k. and then days that you are out of control!

Keep posting- you will find friends that truly care here.

[cariage]

I know EXACTLY how you feel. My grandmother has been in the hospital for 3 weeks and kept aspirating so with much agonizing agreed to a feeding tube. Once the feeding tube was in place she started having teriffic pain and drs couldn't figure out what was wrong. We were told on Monday that she only has 3-5 days left to live. She hasn't had ANYTHING to eat since 10/14 and is approaching the end. They started her morphine drip today to ease the pain. Our family was so relieved when my grandmother agreed to that feeding tube. I think it was our selfishness that gave us the relief. Because my grandmother has suffered tremendously from that decision. The feeding tube only prolonged the inevitable and at my grandmothers expense. I truly understand how you feel and hope this will get easier with time. Its absolutely consuming me. I will be praying for you and your family as well as my own.

My grandfather passed away last Friday. He was in the hospital and could not keep his food down. It aspirated into his lungs and he could not breathe. He refused to accept a feeding tube and respirator. They put him on a morphine drip and he died in his sleep a week later. Because of he was several states away, I could not visit him.

I pray to God every day and ask to understand his decision, but I can't. I am so angry with him for doing this.

The hardest thing for me to deal with is that I feel he starved himself to death and we let him. What if he changed his mind but could not tell us because of the morphine? Should we have forced him to accept treatment? Every day during his last week I was hoping to hear that it was over, and I hated myself for being so selfish.

My husband and friends tell me that I will feel better as time goes on, but right now it seems that this is impossible. I know that my Mom and Grandmother are grieving too, but I can't bring myself to talk to them. I don't want them to see me so upset.

Thanks for letting me post this... I think it helped a bit to write this down.

[LoriS.]

cariage, I am so sorry about your grandmother. It's very hard to watch towards the end. My mom didn't want the feeding tube and we discussed it way before she died (one year ago). When my dad was at the end (4 years ago), we saw other patients with feeding tubes and my mom made the decision for my dad not to do it. I think that's what was why my mom knew in advance that she didn't want to go through it when her time came. My brothers and I were prepared at the end to not have her go through it. Trust me, your grandmother will go peacefully, with dignity and in her sleep. I'm so sorry. Let me know how you and your family are doing.

Take care...Lori

[Deb]

Cariage, I am very sorry about your grandmother. It will get better, although you may not believe me. I will pray for your family as well.