Not Dealing Well

[babette831]

On April 29th 2003, I lost the 2 most important people in my life. My mom (44) and my baby sis (17), they died from a horrible car wreck. It has now been a little over two months since this has happened, and everyone keeps telling me it will get easier. I still cry all the time and feel as if I am lost in time. Days go by and I still do not understand where it all went.. I wrote a check a couple of days ago and dated it April 29th.. In my mind I cannot believe it really happened. I don't understand how anyone can tell me that when I talked to my mom on her cell phone, and we hung up that 4 mins after that she was gone.. How can that be the last time that I will ever talk to my mom or my sister.

I watched cops last night and cried though the whole thing, here is these people that have went to jail 4 or 5 times, outrunning the cops, they hit a wall and come out with just a broken foot.. I do not understand why God chooses someone like my mom and my sister and leaves all these people who spend their whole life doing wrong.. My mom went to work everyday and lived her life for her family, did right for everyone, alot of times she got used because she was soo good to everyone.. My sister.. well she was the normal 17 year old, she was going through her life and finally starting to get her emotions sorted out.. She was a good kid. The story I tell everyone now to try to make everyone see the kind of person my sis was is "My mom and my sis and me were walking in California (just got off the Judge Judy show) We were out sight seeing, my feet started to hurt, I had on a cheap pair of 10 doller shoes, My sister stopped in the middle of the road and untied her 80 doller pair of shoes, took them off and said Here take mine.. She took my junky shoes and gave me her brand new pair" To me that day was special and it ment eveything to me when she did it.."

Ok I am going to sign off now, sorry I had tell someone my story, and I really belive it is helping me just remembering the good times.. Hopefully someone else will share something about their loved one..

[bobsgal]

Hi Babette,

Saw your post, and wanted to let you know that you are not bothering anyone by telling your story. Sudden deaths are so hard, with the shock and disbelief, the no time for good-byes, 'the did I's' and 'should have's', and all those unanswered questions. I have not lost either of my parents or my sibling, but my spouse died suddenly and unexpectedly in my arms. My heart goes out to you and I pray that you are able to replace some of those hurtful thoughts with precious loving memories of your mom and sissy. Keep writing and telling your story, although it doesn't take the grief away, it somehow helps to ease the pain a little. Know that you are being thought of with tenderness tonight,

Love and Blessings,

bobsgal (Lynda)

[Guest SteveG]

Babette,

Lynda speaks wise words. You have experienced a tragic, sudden loss and nothing short of them returning will ever make life the same again. As I read your post a number of things you said, and said most clearly, caught in my mind.

When any of us pass into grief, we pass into a daze, a fog. Grief affects us cognitively, emotionally, socially, spiritually, and physically. Nothing else, except, perhaps, love, grips us so. During the first few weeks, we can't remember days or dates; we lose things we've never lost before; we pick up a book to read and get nowhere. We move in a fog crying "unfair!" that is, when we can even believe it has happened. These are all normal and natural reactions. Our psyche creates this fog to protect us, so that we can take in everything a little bit at a time.

'Griefbursts' happen. We isolate ourselves. Perhaps we even get mad at God. All of this in this fog darkened by our lack of sleep and appetite. As your psyche assesses your ability to process what happened, you'll feel even more the pain of your loss. Just remember, you are taking in only that which you can handle.

There are strong energies around a loss, the loved one gone, and the memories evoked. You have a choice: you can suppress these painful things or you can look them head-on. If you suppress them--and, sometimes, that's all any of us can do--they come back re-energized. If you hold them and the pain they evoke, their energy begins to dissapate. The next time they occur, the energy is less.

As Lynda said, your story is not a bother. Applaud yourself for having the courage to even type the story, let alone know that you are exposing yourself and your vulnerability to an audience of people. Know this as well: the audience reading this speaks as Lynda speaks. You are in our thoughts.

Steve

[nadona]

Babette,

This is Lisa, my screen name is normally nadona so you will see me as that on here. I have done better this weekend, regarding the crying everyday... but I'm also shutting down from the rest of my friends. Everyone seems to be grating on my nerves. I'm withdrawn and want to be left alone most of the time.

So far this year, I have made it through my birthday, my brother's birthday, my parents anniversary, and Father's day... all of which were special days before with each of them. I just feel like I'm sinking deeper with each passing day and beginning to not care about anything.

Are you feeling any of this too? Yours is still a lot fresher than my daddy and brothers accident, let me know where you are in this roller coaster of a life we now lead.

sending a hug,

Nadona

[Lil Viper]

babette,

I lost my father April 3,2003 age 50, to a sudden massive heart attack. I agree that it is very difficult to lose someone to a sudden death as we have. The shock is so overwhelming. When he first died all I wanted to do is die myself. I currently am over the suicidal feelings. But I still feel as if I'm going to die from the pain at times. It is so hard, I haven't been the same since I lost him. I am a different person now. We'll never be the same again. But things will look up for you in time. I've forgot about my dad being gone and I would start to call him. Then I would catch myself and fill his loss all over again. You will forget sometimes and do things that seem natural. Just give yourself time and you will start to heal. I have improved alot since I've been posting online. There are people who care and can relate to you.

Your sister and mother seemed like they were wonderful people. And it does seem unfair that god takes our special loved ones. I know that the experience of losing my dad has totally consumed me. A part of me died with him. I hope you can find a way to overcome the terrible feelings you have. Try to be there for the rest of your family. They need your love and support. Keep sharing your feelings, it will help.

Thinking of you,

Lil' Viper

[momalomax]

i can understand everything you are saying because in less then a year i lost my baby sister and as if that wasent enough i lost my daddy in july of this year he died in my arms at my home from lung cancer just 3 days befor we danced too dance with my father by luther vadross and then he past i think of that every time i get sad and it gets me through another day that seems like it will never end my sister was 27 and my best friend and it dose get better but it will never go away i miss them both everyone says life gos on well i hope some one can tell me how hope you feel better with time and god bless

shelly (momalomax)

[amy]

babette,