DoubleJo Posted November 13, 2007 Report Share Posted November 13, 2007 Hi: This week I'm feeling a heavy load. Other than paying off the mortgagethe only thing changing is the weather, which for us in the Arizona desert doesn't happen often. But I'm feeling the shorter darker days. Although its' a relief from all the hot sunny ones, it's making the house feel empty. Making me feel the lack of another presence. I've come to terms with my first husbands death and both my parents, so I now have "room" to realize my second husband is gone too. This weather change is bringing it home. I'm crying and just feel too tired to do much. I've always been admired for "being so full of life" by people. But I suddenly feel life becoming dull to me. It scares me because I know it is only when I decide to give up and let myself feel old that I WILL become old and wither away alone. When I aroused my dying husband I said " wake up" and he told me "I can't wake up now, I have to go back to sleep". Then he died. I'm scared of the force of that suction, that vacuum. Giving up is pulling me for the first time. I am telling myself this will pass. As I approach being 58 I believe I'll start to look too old for anyone to want to care about me again. And the realization of floating all alone overwhelms me. It makes me feel faint. When I was putting all the death certificates in a folder last year I blacked out. It became too much. Just a few weeks ago I felt so differently. I'm trying to roll with the punch. I wish I had a friend to see just to clear out the dark blot of time in my house. I'm feeling like you, Stallyn, and like everyone else probably. Time is moving forward beyond my control and it is scaring me. I need to cry on someones' shoulder so badly but there aren't any. I have to be "stoic" around my friends.Ah well. I am discomforted by the unseen. DoubleJo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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