Weather Closing In/changes Again

[DoubleJo]

Hi:

This week I'm feeling a heavy load. Other than paying off the mortgage

the only thing changing is the weather, which for us in the Arizona desert doesn't happen often. But I'm feeling the shorter darker days. Although its' a relief from all the hot sunny ones, it's making the house feel empty. Making me feel the lack of another presence. I've come to terms with my first husbands death and both my parents, so I now have "room" to realize my second husband is gone too. This weather change is bringing it home. I'm crying and just feel too tired to do much. I've always been admired for "being so full of life" by people. But I suddenly feel life becoming dull to me. It scares me because I know it is only when I decide to give up and let myself feel old that I WILL become old and wither away alone. When I aroused my dying husband I said " wake up" and he told me

"I can't wake up now, I have to go back to sleep". Then he died.

I'm scared of the force of that suction, that vacuum. Giving up is pulling me for the first time.

I am telling myself this will pass. As I approach being 58 I believe I'll start to look too old for anyone to want to care about me again. And the realization of floating all alone overwhelms me. It makes me feel faint. When I was putting all the death certificates in a folder last year I blacked out. It became too much.

Just a few weeks ago I felt so differently. I'm trying to roll with the punch. I wish I had a friend to see just to clear out the dark blot of time in my house. I'm feeling like you, Stallyn, and like everyone else probably. Time is moving forward beyond my control and it is scaring me. I need to cry on someones' shoulder so badly but there aren't any. I have to be "stoic" around my friends.

Ah well. I am discomforted by the unseen. DoubleJo

[lyn]

Dear DoubleJo,

The change in weather can really affect our emotions. I understand when u said you feel like being suctioned by the unknown. It is very scary and there are times I have often wished to let go and to give up too. It would just be easy to go with the current instead of fighting against it. But we have to..we have to survive. I feel your deep pain, and i want to send you a BIG hug and prayers.

Crying certainly helps. Sometimes, it feels so overwhelming and it is ok to let go of the tears and to feel all those emotions. I know you will be able to get through this..We are here for you.

[DoubleJo]

Lyn: Thanks. Your kind words help and by sharing my load you made it lighter. DoubleJo

[rosanne]

DoubleJo-

Please, don't give up...

Know that we are here for you.

We all know your feelings and we share your pain.

We have got to be here for one another.

Rosanne

[DoubleJo]

Rosanne: Thank you. Maybe I can wash away my feelings of despair with my tears. I am trying to empty myself of these awful feelings that I haven't had for a very very long time. I am using the strength you and Lyn gave me to push myself forward.

DoubleJo

[lyn]

Hello DoubleJo,

How are you feeling tonight? I am thinking of you and hope you feel much better now.

[DesertBob]

DoubleJo,

I sure know whereof you speak. I came to AZ for the sunshine and I hate losing it by suppertime and it does seem much worse in an empty house. I have taken to turning on all the lights to brighten the place up. It also keeps SmallTalk more chipper and talkative.

I have had excuses to travel a great deal (for me) since Linda died -- overdue visits to my grandsons and brother, a couple of business trips -- but I know full well I am doing it mostly to keep moving and pull against, as you put it, the "suction". The truth is I am tired, and want to lay down and sleep for, oh, perhaps a few decades or so.

I am sorry that it's getting to you. I wish I were in a place where I could tell you with confidence that "it's going to be alright". But I am at least in a place to empathize and give you a virtual hug: ()

Hang in there, kiddo. And keep writing. You express yourself well, and it is theraputic for you, and you help the rest of us surface our own thoughts and feelings as well.

--Bob

[shell]

DoubleJo,

I'll say it again...I so wish we all lived in the same place! I know what you mean about having to be "stoic" for my friends. They ask how I am, but I know they are relieved when I say "I'm fine". And most of my friends have so many of their own problems, that's all they want to talk about! It is only here that I can vent.

The weather does make it harder. I love winter, but hate that it gets dark so early. And dusk is the hardest for me, that in between time...it's sort of creepy to me. Like Bob, I turn on a lot of lights way before it gets dark. I just had a weird thought, that maybe we all fight these feelings too hard. When we feel like giving up, maybe we should just go lay down and drift...maybe we'd find out that we won't be sucked into any kind of vacuum. Like facing our demons and finding them to be not as scary as we thought. What do you think?

I'm not really worried about getting old (I'm 54...well, not worried most of the time anyway) but I did something recently that was silly as he*l, but made me feel good. I was in a Dollar Store and saw these temporary tatoos. I have always said I would NEVER have a tatoo, so why this appealed to me I have no idea! Anyway, I bought some and would put one on where no one could see it. It made me feel "younger" and free...brought back my somewhat rebelious, naughty attitude I always had and seemed to have lost. It's silly, but maybe you should try something...anything that would give you a lift. Just let loose and do something "young". As "simple" as this sounds in a very serious situation, sometimes just being silly can help.

A huge hug to you,

Shell

[DoubleJo]

Lyn: you are so kind to remember me. You all are making it hard to stay feeling rotten. For you to inquire about me touches me deeply.

Bob: The past year I was very busy, traveling, going to shows, etc. and the time was filled. When the whirlwind stops the force can throw you off. Thats' what happens when things slow way down and the weather creeps in. All of us are so fatigued, dealing with the hundreds of daily adaptations that we get thrown at us almost constantly.

Shell: as usual you are so right. You can't fight against the tide. Sometimes it's best to let go and just swim with the tide until you land naturally on a bank. So guess what I'm doing? I'm gonna let the water cleanse me and carry me ashore to where my next natural landing is meant to be.

G-d bless you all- I feel your hugs and real concern.

DoubleJo

[shell]

DoubleJo,

That's a wonderful way to look at it. I love the way you put it!

Hugs,

Shell

[dusty]

I'm new to this site, but just felt I needed to have a way of getting rid of some of these feels. A little about me. I'm 56 and lost my step-father of 27 years in June after caring for him and my mother for almost 10 months. It was a very painful passing. After his passing our blended family fell apart and seems like I'm now all alone. So instead of losing just one person..in a way I lost 3. I am a very religious person and believe God has a purpose for all of us. I know through the hardest time He is still there watching and loving me. The most comfort I get is know my step father is with God and isn't suffering anymore. He was such a kind gentle man I just miss him. Here in Kentucky the weather has turned rainy and cool and really brings me down. I love the sunshine but sometimes it doesn't help.

Enough about me and my sorrow. I know you all understand. I do have faith we will all make it through this even though at times it doesn't seem like it. It isn't easy but it will happen.

Dusty

[DoubleJo]

Welcome Dusty to this site. Thanks for sharing how you also feel. Looks like we all have to roll with the weather. I'm sorry you have so much emptiness to feel right now. It's a weird feeling, something new and strange. I also lost my parents in these past 3 years, besides 2 husbands.

It gets better. It really does.

My best- DoubleJo