allalone Posted November 16, 2007 Report Share Posted November 16, 2007 Hi,I'm new here. I lost my mom on July 17th and it has been incredibly difficult for me. My mom and I were close and it still seems incomprehensible that she is gone. I try to console myself by believing that she is in a much better place as she was in a very terrible relationship that she couldn't seem to get the confidence to leave. She had told me many times she had made a terible mistake and in the last two months she said "...he made life miserable, but he's making my death worse." I cleaned her body and dressed her before the funeral home came to take her body. During this time the room seemed to go cool (there was a heat wave when she died) and the room felt very peaceful and calm. For a couple weeks I felt that my mom was ok and happy. She didn't want us to cry for her. I was ok then because I was rationalizing that her physical suffering of cancer wasn't as horrible as it could have been. She mentally suffered for a very long time so I knew that she was released from her marriage and other worries that her life had. I tried to be happy that she didn't have to suffer physically and mentally, but I lost that battle. I know when I cry it is because I miss my mom. I am inconsolable as I feel so alone without my mom. It seems worse when I am around people which sounds strange. I feel like my soul is empty and it would be just so nice to curl up in a ball and die. (I am NOT suicidal - the pain however is just overwhelming. I don't want to deal with people, go to work, etc.) I have a counsellor and things are in some way getting slightly better, but the week of the 17th or the tuesday that is closest to the 17th of the month is just unbearable.My mom was not only my mom but my best friend. Neither of us had much money, but we did little things for one another. I'd buy her favorite honey and wordsearch puzzles as she'd collect bottles and never treat herself stuff. I know she always paid her own way in life and with what little money she saved, she always gave her money to people who needed it. She ended up having some money as she had saved some for her funeral and I guess a couple years back she took money out of the bank, but because I was closest my stepfather is accusing me of sponging it off of her - which I did not do. What makes this worse is he disposed of all of my mom's belongings except what was very specifically willed to us or a few things that she gave to each of us before she died as she did not trust her husband. We were not able to even have momentos like a sweater or shirt that reminded us of her or any of her other belongings that were not specified in the will. I wanted her sewing box because she taught me how to sew. My daughter wanted her sewing machine, but I'm sure that was donated somewhere or thrown out too. I know things will not bring her back, but sometimes having something to hold of hers can be comforting. There's just no comfort in anything and that is why I feel utterly desolate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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