Feeling Utterly Desolate

[allalone]

Hi,

I'm new here. I lost my mom on July 17th and it has been incredibly difficult for me. My mom and I were close and it still seems incomprehensible that she is gone.

I try to console myself by believing that she is in a much better place as she was in a very terrible relationship that she couldn't seem to get the confidence to leave. She had told me many times she had made a terible mistake and in the last two months she said "...he made life miserable, but he's making my death worse."

I cleaned her body and dressed her before the funeral home came to take her body. During this time the room seemed to go cool (there was a heat wave when she died) and the room felt very peaceful and calm. For a couple weeks I felt that my mom was ok and happy. She didn't want us to cry for her. I was ok then because I was rationalizing that her physical suffering of cancer wasn't as horrible as it could have been. She mentally suffered for a very long time so I knew that she was released from her marriage and other worries that her life had. I tried to be happy that she didn't have to suffer physically and mentally, but I lost that battle.

I know when I cry it is because I miss my mom. I am inconsolable as I feel so alone without my mom. It seems worse when I am around people which sounds strange. I feel like my soul is empty and it would be just so nice to curl up in a ball and die. (I am NOT suicidal - the pain however is just overwhelming. I don't want to deal with people, go to work, etc.) I have a counsellor and things are in some way getting slightly better, but the week of the 17th or the tuesday that is closest to the 17th of the month is just unbearable.

My mom was not only my mom but my best friend. Neither of us had much money, but we did little things for one another. I'd buy her favorite honey and wordsearch puzzles as she'd collect bottles and never treat herself stuff. I know she always paid her own way in life and with what little money she saved, she always gave her money to people who needed it. She ended up having some money as she had saved some for her funeral and I guess a couple years back she took money out of the bank, but because I was closest my stepfather is accusing me of sponging it off of her - which I did not do. What makes this worse is he disposed of all of my mom's belongings except what was very specifically willed to us or a few things that she gave to each of us before she died as she did not trust her husband. We were not able to even have momentos like a sweater or shirt that reminded us of her or any of her other belongings that were not specified in the will. I wanted her sewing box because she taught me how to sew. My daughter wanted her sewing machine, but I'm sure that was donated somewhere or thrown out too. I know things will not bring her back, but sometimes having something to hold of hers can be comforting.

There's just no comfort in anything and that is why I feel utterly desolate.

[lyn]

Hello Allalone,

I am very sorry for your loss, and I hope things will get better for you. There are so many caring people on this site, and they have been a great support to me during my lowest moment. Grief is an exhausting, painful journey and posting here helped me a lot. This 'roller-coaster ride' has been the craziest part of the journey, and oftentimes i wanted to get out. But we have to allow ourselves to feel all those emotions for us to heal. Healing takes time, but eventually we will. I also try to console myself with the thought that my love is in a much safer place now, free of pain, free of sufferings. You had a wonderful relationship with your mom and she will always be with you.

Wishing you peace and healing.

lyn

[shell]

Allalone,

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom in June, so we're at about the same point. Everything Lyn told you is so true. And the fact that you feel all alone, but don't want to be around people is so normal! I can't count how many of us have felt the same way. I force myself to be around others, but generally I'm much happier when I'm by myself. My mom and I were extremely close too, and I still can't believe she's actually gone. After she died (at home) and we were waiting for the funeral home to come, I just went in and laid down with her and put my head on her shoulder. Like you, I felt peaceful and calm. I'm sorry that your mom had to go through so much pain and the only comfort you can give yourself is that she is at peace now, hopefully free and happy. That's the only comfort I can find for myself, that my mom and dad are at peace. Welcome to the site and I hope you visit often.

Hugs,

Shell

[mollie]

hi allalone!

i am extremely sorry for the loss of your dear mom!

i am going through just losing my dad, the sweetest, most amazing, comforting father ever. my dad died september 19, just two days short of his 66th birthday! we took him to hospice friday, and he died wednesday morning!

words cannot express the pain i feel, and i know that everyone here know this pain!

i am relieved to have found this site, and know that we are here for eachother to help get through things that maybe others don't understand, or don't want to hear!

i know that i have not so great days, but i have better days too! the better days show me promise of another better day!

i have eight year old twins, and i try to stay in the moment and breathe...if not always for myself, i do it for them!

my husband is emotionally unavailable to me at times, when he retreats from fear, and i don't know what to do. i'm just trying to do the best i can, one day at a time...one minute at a time. i know it's corny, but concentrating on breathing and being alive is all i can do sometimes!

i know that my dad, who had a strong faith in the spiritual side of this life and beyond, would want me to do the best i can to maintain happiness and peace for myself...and this is what i try to remember during this horrible grief of losing him. our loved ones' deep love for us has to be remembered, and through this we can help eachother.

thanks for listening.

mollie

[allalone]

Thank you all for your comforting words. I can see by your replies and some of the other topics that I have read that there are others that feel like I do and in a way I don't feel as alone as I did before I found this forum.

I cannot refer to my mom's 2nd husband as my stepfather anymore - I will refer to him as "he" or "him". Mom only married twice, but you'll come to understand why in this post why I refer to her 2nd husband this is.

Today my sister's family and I went to my brother's place there were several things that "he" had wanted to dispose of. A few of the things were "his", but the majority of the items were mom's things that "he" just wanted cleared out of the house. Of course there were a few things that we have distinct memories with so we were glad that we had a few more things, but for the most part we only came by these because otherwise "he" would have had to bring them to the dump or donate them to a charity so "he" would not have to pay for the disposal.

I know that possessions will not bring her back, but at least there is a little comfort and a few memories that we can recall with certain things.

In my mother's will she had stated very clearly where she wanted to be buried (beside her first husband and daughter). We wanted to ensure that our mother had a dignified funeral. "He" could not afford to bury my mother so we (my mom's second husband, myself, my brother and my sister) split the remainder of the funeral costs. My sister was completely transparent with the expenses etc and "he" had the least to contribute. Because mom was buried on the "family plot" my siblings and I absorbed the cost for the engraving and I also put two flower urns on either side of the headstone.

Today I found out from my brother and sister that "he" decided that "he" is offended that "his" name is not on the headstone because "he" was "married" to my Mom for over 30 years. My sister advised him that it is not only my Mother's grave but two other individuals and that we paid for the engraving so in respect of our family members "his" name is not on there but we have stated that "he" is welcome to put another marker or something near Mom's grave. "He" has threatened that he will have my mother exhumed and put in another grave. Of course this only adds to the grief that we all have. It is unlikely that "he" can do this because she expressed these wishes in her will and the lawyer had ensured that there was no coersion on any of our parts - "his" or us children.

Many of the things "he" has said and done have been very mean and hurtful. Not only did "he" disrespect my mother throughout their marriage, but now even after she has passed "he" is carrying on this disrespect. "He" has always been one to rattle the sabre and try to push our buttons, however, this is all getting to be too much for me tonight. It is so difficult for me to comprehend that anyone can lack such morality or common decency. To be so disrespectful to my mother and her wishes shows just how little "he" loved her. "His" contempt for us has always been very clear, "he" no longer has my mother to pick on so I suppose "he" gets "his" jollies trying to figure out what "he" can do to upset us. It's beyond me how people can be like this.

I know sometimes the best and the worst come out in people...you can see what we've had to deal with.

[shell]

Allalone,

I am always surprised and disgusted at how some people act! If your lawyer says that he can't do anything like he's threatening, then I would tell him that now that your mom is gone, there is no connection between your family and him. That you would rather he didn't contact any of you. I see no reason why you should have to put up with him at all. Good luck.

Hugs,

Shell

[allalone]

Sorry, I need to be more clear on a point that I said. Each time when mom went to her lawyer, she was able to meet with the lawyer separately and give clear and private direction to ensure that there was no coersion whatsoever and that mom's wishes were her wishes and not anyone else's.

Unfortunately, you know how these things can turn out. If we can see murderers be acquitted on technicalities and heanous crimes being committed and those individuals spend a minimal time in jail, it leads one to believe anything could turn awry in our North American justice systems. Recently there was a case on the news where a spouse had the body exhumed against the family's wishess and moved far away. I believe this is where "he" got the idea from.

I do not speak to "him". As far as I am concerned he is not at all a part of my life. What he did to my mom during her life and her death and how he has treated all of us most people would find extremely repugnant.

It just simply makes the grief so much more worse to even have to think that we may have to rebury our mother. I know that only a very mentally sick person would think of these things. What is difficult is that my grief this last week has been horrible. It felt like I moved ahead an inch, but now I feel like I've been pushed back another 10 feet.

Intellectually I know I should not allow him to get to me like this. Over the hours, I just feel more and more sick.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

thank you for listening...

[allalone]

today I am going out of my mind...

Tonight I just can't take it anymore. I acted terrible towards my daughter because I asked her to come over and assist me to move something heavy but she refused. It made me feel even more alone and that I have absolutely no one to count on. I've broken off communications because I just can't stand anymore of this.

I feel like I'm slipping into a profound depression again I feel I cannot communicate with her because I've been worried for the last while that she will commit suicide. She has had a traumatic year.

I feel awful that I just can't handle any of this anymore.

I just wish my mom was here. I miss her beyond what words can express. I know she did not want me crying like this. Some days it takes everything I have to get through the day.

I don't know how to get through all of this.

[DesertBob]

You have an awful lot of stressful situations going on at once, and your support system sounds non-existent. In your situation I would be inclined to seek out professional help. You need someone to talk to, and you likely need some meds to at least get you over the hump. It's good that you're reaching out here, and we're here to empathize, but you are in a terribly stressful situation and you can't work through it alone.

If you aren't insured for that kind of treatment there are probably low-to-no-cost options but someone else would have to chime in with some suggestions there, as I'm not that familiar with the system. I just wanted to urge you to look into this if you haven't already because as your handle says, you are all alone and I sense that you are getting into some real trouble and dangerous territory.

You can handle more than you think but you need some combination of extra help and tactical withdrawal from some of your battles, in order to get through it.

My thoughts are with you,

--Bob

[shell]

Allalone,

I'm so sorry for all the extra stress you are having to deal with. It seems like it hits all at once, doesn't it? I agree with Bob, that you need someone to talk to and possibly meds to help you get through this rough time. I take meds and so do many of the others on this board and it has really helped a lot of us.

As Bob said, you can handle more than you think, but sometimes it just seems overwhelming and that's when you need help (I know that it got that way for me). Hang in there and keep us posted.

A big hug,

Shell

[Maylissa]

Allalone,

I haven't been around here too much of late, but I caught your post and had to reply because I can relate so well to your trials and tribulations, as well as your feelings about them.

Many similar things happened with me, too, after my Mother passed, and even more of the same kinds of nonsense after my oldest brother died a mere 2 months after our Mother. As well, my father (although my only one, as my parents stayed together for 60 years....mores the pity), whom I have interestingly also often just referred to as "he" (or worse) also treated my Mother, and the rest of us, with the same kind of contempt, disrespect and lack of love, not to mention terrible abuse....Mum getting the very worst of it. Because of what he was like, he, too, ruined her dying time (for 6 long months), her death and the disposition of the entire family household. To him, I and my dead brother weren't "family" at all. I had to buy back my Mum's china set from a stranger, sneak a few small mementos out of the house, was allowed some of her old clothes, should have taken the family photos but didn't (they were likely burned later by my father), and have already been cheated out of what should be my fair share of their estate (whenever my father finally passes away) by my last living brother. I suspect that will culminate in '08, as "he" will finally have reached the age of 90, which was always his arbitrary old age 'target'. But his mind died long ago.

So my father is still alive, at least as far as I know, in a home, with severe dementia, and I could care less. He's been emotionally dead to me now for many decades and when he passes, I'll be shocked if I'm even notified, much less be made privy to any Will. The lawyer I'd hired earlier ended up doing nothing for me except for wasting a large chunk of our money, with nothing to show for it except for what I found using my own ingenuity, for pocket change no less. And I, too, had minimal emotional support during all this. It was really rough and I feel so for you.

So I can empathize with the kinds of things you're going through and frankly, don't blame you a bit for being so on edge about what "he" might yet be capable of doing. However, dwelling on it before anything might happen will only deplete you of the energy you'll need for your loss alone. So were I you, I'd file that concern in the back recesses, just in case, but try not to worry about it unless it actually happens.

Since as far as I know, my Mother's ashes are still sitting in my last brother's closet, in their original cardboard box, and may never leave this, her possibly final 'resting' place, I can understand how distressing this type of situation is. (my dead brother barely got our Mum cremated in the first place, due to our father) My offer to take possession of her ashes was flatly refused by my last brother, as he was more interested in 'owning' everything he could, even if it would cost him more money in the end. He's as crafty, greedy, self-absorbed and sociopathic as his father - 2 peas in a pod, those two.

It took a ton out of me and I only let it go once my ENTIRE focus shifted, by choice, to our feline daughter's growing need for my care and love 2 years later. During this time, I finally emotionally fully realized that nothing, not even such abominations by my father and brother, could ever take away mine and my Mother's relationship....which wasn't anywhere near as good as yours with your mother's to begin with. I also knew w/o a doubt that even if I'd never have a physical place to go to 'visit' with her cremains, it didn't matter as much as I'd first thought, since my Mother paid me some After Death Communication (ADCs) visits that were most affirming of her love for me, despite our rocky past. I also had one psychic reading with my Mother, which ironically resulted in my getting very angry(!) with her for quite awhile, but which also resulted in me being able to move forward more quickly. It might also interest you to know that my Mum was apparently finally with her REAL love in life, a man she'd always wished she'd married instead of my father. I'm happy for her - she's finally away from my father, and with someone she really loves and I assume has also reunited with her many sisters and brothers who'd passed long before her.

I won't kid you - it was a terribly distressing road, but I did come out the other end of it, even if I still resent what was done to me. However, it's just not really important enough for me now to bother sitting in those resentments anymore. All that post-death garbage further complicated what was already a complicated grief for me, and sometimes I sit here amazed at how I eventually came through it, even IF there are some residual effects left to work through. All in good time, though.

As Bob suggested, some professional help might be the best thing you could do for yourself right now. I went that route then, and am currently in the process of doing the same again, but with a new and different modality (and psychologist), called SRT, which I've written a bit about here on another forum. (you can try the "Search" feature on the Home board to find it if you're interested) So far, I can say that had this been available or known to me back then, I would have tried it then, instead of this much later. Thought Field Therapy, and BodyTalk are also supposed to be great types of therapy which many people find very, very helpful for trauma and loss. (these are all also usually much faster in result than traditional forms of 'talk' therapy, although that, too, has some benefit if you just NEED to talk as well!) Usually, though, unless you have more liberal coverage, these 'specialized' therapists aren't always on insurance companies' lists of covered professionals, unless you get lucky. For traditional help, some is usually available either for free or on a sliding scale through checking mental health resource departments where you live. Just make sure you really LIKE the therapist and that your morals, values, philosophical and other ideas mesh, or you won't feel like you're being truly understood or helped.

It's not easy, and we often have to expend copious amounts of time and energy on finding help when we're least able to put forth even an iota more, but as they say, whatever helps, helps, and unfortunately some of us who don't have wonderful support systems have to help ourselves. At the very least, you can utilize these boards (&/or others) for free, for as long as that keeps helping. Take good care and my thoughts are with you, too.

Edited November 19, 2007 by Maylissa

[allalone]

Hi,

I do take an antidepressant and I am speaking with a counsellor, but there are days like this weekend when it was all too much.

I'm doing a bit better. We had heard back from the lawyer and in addition my siblings talked to the cemetary. Intellectually I knew he would likely not be able to exhume my mom, but you always hear of retarded court cases where things go horribly wrong. It was just too much to separate all of my mom's things and to even thing about having to rebury my mom.

I just miss her so much and I cry because I miss her more than words can express. My soul aches. It's hard for me to accept that mom is gone. I'm taking it really bad and I know that.

It was weird today though. I had to go for an ultrasound for my abdomen - the technician was having a hard time getting pictures. She spent a long time on my liver and gallbladder. My mom died of gallbladder cancer and secondary liver cancer. It's very rare and I know it's just because the liver is such a large organ. I think about it and wonder how my mom must have felt when they had to do her scans - they took a LONG time... I waited at the hospital for hers to be done.

It's just a big roller coaster for me. I know it will get better, but the bad days are so unbearable.

[shell]

Allalone,

All I can say is, I know how you feel. Hang in there...the "better" days will get to be more frequent eventually.

A big hug,

Shell

[allalone]

I hope things do get better emotionally.

I'm kinda back to a numb state....

[shell]

It does come and go. Just try to "go with the flow" emotionally and live day to day. And remember that the next day may be surprising...you might have an "up" day. It does happen. I say that because for awhile I didn't think I could be happy at all, but once I sort of gave myself permission that it was ok to feel joy of any kind, I did better. I felt like I was betraying my mom if I felt happy at all, but I realized that I was still here and had to live. I also wanted my kitties to be happier, that made a huge difference. They really pick up on your feelings and they were depressed too and worried about their "mom" being so unhappy. I started faking it around them, acting cheerful and they got happy again too. That made me feel so good and I knew my mom would be happy about that, so by "faking" my happiness, I started to feel a little happier. The old expression "Fake it until you can make it" really is true and helps. Hang in there, sweetie!

Hugs,

Shell

[mollie]

i just read shell's words of "fake it till you make it", and that has become my motto, as of late!

i'm new on the scene here, with my dad dying just two months ago, sept. 19!

i just keep trying to celebrate his life...i told him that i would, and he deserves it!

he was an amazing person...i love him, and can't believe that he is really gone, but i know that all he wants for me is to be happy...so i'm seriously "faking it until i make it", and i have some great times with friends when i'm doing it! i know that i need to keep living, and really be a part of life while i'm here!

thanks for these true words of wisdom...for when we forget about ourselves, and our desperate situations, we can really be here as a genuine source of strength for others!

stay well and be strong!

[shell]

Mollie,

Good for you. That's a good attitude and philosophy. And you are so right about how forgetting about ourselves can make us a strength for others. Welcome to the board!

Hugs,

Shell