Gail_R Posted November 20, 2007 Report Share Posted November 20, 2007 Hi everyone it is 10 months today that Bruce died( oh how I hate that word) I cann't believe that he is gone 10 months. The pain is still so raw. I have my good days and like today I have some very bad days. Last night I sat and listens to the cd the kids made for his funeral and I cried. There is a song by George Canyon-I Want You To Live that makes me cry everytime I hear it. The funeral home made a dvd of some of the pictures of Bruce as a kid and then when we got married with our wedding picture some of our kids as they where growing up our sons wedding and our daughters wedding and christmas and I had myselfa big cry. I miss him so much. There are days that I wish I could just die so that I can be with him again. I don't think that I am strong enough to do this by myself. have you all here helps and can come and talk to you and you all understand what it is that I am going through. Gail Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
suzanne Posted November 20, 2007 Report Share Posted November 20, 2007 GailI am so sorry. I understand how painful it is and ten months hasn't really been that long although it feels like an eternity. I will be thinking of you today and pray you have the strength to carry through one more day. May there be brighter ones for each of us on the horizon.Suzanne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DesertBob Posted November 20, 2007 Report Share Posted November 20, 2007 Gail,I just came off a couple of "raw" days myself. I have no idea why I feel just fine today. It is annoyingly random -- not always tied to anniversary dates or something else that is an overt trigger -- but I guess we have to deal with a little of our pain at a time so it doesn't destroy us, and our pain is huge -- we need to realize that and allow it to unravel in its own way. And when we release a little more of it we feel some relief.My pain is not going to be exactly the same as yours but I sure understand that "missing them every minute" thing that's going on when someone was so much a part of your every day moment to moment life. Just know that you are not alone in going through this and that there are others who deeply understand.Better days *are* coming.--BobHi everyone it is 10 months today that Bruce died( oh how I hate that word) I cann't believe that he is gone 10 months. The pain is still so raw. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gail_R Posted November 20, 2007 Author Report Share Posted November 20, 2007 Suzanne Thanks for the kind words it helps. I'm sure what I would do without all of you guy's. I hate to cry to my kids for they are also having a hard time. Gail Bob thanks someone on this site said one time if we didn't love so much and so deep it would not hurt so much and that I believe. Like I said before Bruce was my only love well really he was my only real boyfriend. We meant when we where very young and we married 10 months almost to the day of our first date. Life is so funny I never thought that I would be married at 18 and be having kids at 19,21 & 24 but that is want I did. Not to be looking through rose coloured glasses but we did have a good marriage. My husband was the most kind and gentle man. People use to laugh at us he was 6'1" and I am all of 5'1" but if I do say so myself we where CUTE. Something else is that we spent all of our time together and I think that is why that I am having such a hard time with this. I con't know who I am without him. Well thanks again for being here for me. Gail Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WendyJ Posted November 20, 2007 Report Share Posted November 20, 2007 Gail my thoughts are with you today, please try to keep yourself pre-occupied and busy as it helps. I am so amazed at how simular we are with everything and my Steve too really was an angel sent to me. I have never known anyone else to be as sweet and kind and caring just like your Hubby was. As they say Heaven must have been needing some angels when they took our other halves ! Like you I will never be whole again but you and I and everyone else here will get through this with eachothers help.Love,Wendy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DesertBob Posted November 20, 2007 Report Share Posted November 20, 2007 Yeah I know, that is a double-edged sword. I think spouses benefit from having some life apart from each other, same-sex friends, outside interests ... doesn't have to be a lot but it serves as a "hook" if the situation ever comes to this, for you to build a new identity around. And I think most people need someone other than their spouse, because a spouse can't generally be all things to you at all times ... other people can provide perspective and a little bit of your support too.But I certainly understand the impulse. When you are together and it's good, you can't get enough of it and like the old song says, you want to "make the world go away" or find "a room without windows, a room without doors". I have known that feeling, so it's not entirely alien to me. I am really happy for you that you had a good relationship and it began early and lasted right on through. That's living the dream, if you ask me. But I understand that in ways, you've lost more as a result, too.Here is something that dawned on me recently and I'll bet it's fairly true of you, too: my entire adult life has been devoted to spouses and kids. I have had no significant time to myself in probably 31 years. My whole identity was wrapped up in family, even if it wasn't all sweetness and light. So given that my kids are out of the nest and I have no immediate responsibility to anyone else for once, I am taking this as an opportunity to figure out who Bob is and what he really wants.No disrespect at all to your LH, I'm in no way suggesting he suppressed you or something ... but since you're in this situation you can probably learn more about Gail than you have known before. You may be surprised what a delightful person you are, and how much friendship you have to offer to yourself. Part of what you are is thanks to your LH, because you carry part of him in your heart and soul ... so this is also a way to enjoy the gifts he gave you. The areas where he broadened you, challenged you, validated you. Don't discount how positive those things can be for you.To better days,--BobSomething else is that we spent all of our time together and I think that is why that I am having such a hard time with this. I con't know who I am without him. Well thanks again for being here for me. Gail Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lyn Posted November 20, 2007 Report Share Posted November 20, 2007 Gail, will keep you in my thoughts and prayer. today is also my love's 5th month. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gail_R Posted November 21, 2007 Author Report Share Posted November 21, 2007 Lyn I know how you feel 5 months 10 months it does not matter it hurts. The more times passes it gets a little easier. With that said we still all have bad days. To love someone that much hurts like hell when he dies. But we must all be thankful that we were lucky enough to have found that special someone that made ours lives so happy and full. I'm not sure what the future holds but it as to get better. Lyn I hope that your day was not to bad. Thanks for being there for me. Gail Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lyn Posted November 21, 2007 Report Share Posted November 21, 2007 Hi Gail,I am glad it was not at all bad. I noticed that something/some event always happens on this day of the month, maybe it is God's way of lessening my pain..and i am grateful for this. I have the memories and am carrying them with me always. Hope your day went well too Gail. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walter/Erica Posted November 21, 2007 Report Share Posted November 21, 2007 Hi Gail and Lyn, my thoughts are with You both. Gail You are so right, 5 months 10, months, 20 years 100 decades , its all STILL PAIN..EXCRUCIATING PAIN!!! Dear God I pray for each one of us widows /widowers on this site . Touch us , and comfort us and lift us up today, right now in a miraculous way ,respecially Gail and Lyn today, Plesae have mercy on us and comfort us . Lift us up in Jesus name. Your Words says You will sustain the widow...Like Desertbob says we all have better days. Today is a better day for me, you all know i have been very down for a solid month, so you WILL feeel better, both of you. take Care, Erica xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lyn Posted November 21, 2007 Report Share Posted November 21, 2007 Gail, how are you feeling today?Erica, thank you so much. i thought i did well yesterday, but now i dont know. i feel crappy, how it hurts. he is not really coming back..i am still expecting him to come back. so, this is what my life will be? how could he leave me? it hurts so much. hope this will pass soon.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gail_R Posted November 21, 2007 Author Report Share Posted November 21, 2007 Lyn today is better. This is like a rollercoaster ride and I hate rollercoaster rides. So sorry that you are having a hard time. I like you cann't believe that the life that I once knew is gone and this is what we are left with it's just not fair. I'm not I know how your husband passed away and if you wish not to talk about it that is fine. My husband died very suddenly one minute he was here the next he was gone. Like you I have been mad at everyone GOD, HIM...because he told me when we got married that he would be with me until we where old and grey but he is not. How that I have had 10 months to think about it I know that he would not have left if he could have helped it. This is quit a jounry we are going through and thank god that we have found this site and is here to help us and to let us vent when er need too. Lyn just know that we are all here for you, you can come and post what ever you are feeling and we will help you the best that we can. Gail Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lyn Posted November 21, 2007 Report Share Posted November 21, 2007 Im glad you're feeling better Gail. Like you, i really really hate this ride. This is driving me crazy. Never asked for this. I had to log-off for a while, and composed myself, knowing this will pass too. I had to count from 100 backwards.. Letting it out helps a lot, thanks for replying. I was so mad before, remembered his promise that he will never leave me. we built dreams together. i was willing to give up everything to be with him. i felt cheated not by him, but by fate. today, i felt like rebelling..have been good all my life, why did this happen? maybe he is too good for me? maybe our love is not enough to overcome his illness? Oh well..enough for now, this is insane, i will never have my answers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teny Posted November 21, 2007 Report Share Posted November 21, 2007 GAIL Im sorry you are having athis hard time.I feel every word say.My therapist told me that thegood life I had is my treasure .I only know that life has gone and treasure is what hurts .As many of you my friends I did not have to kiss alot of frogs to find my prince.My prince was my first and only love.Its strange for some of you but realy love grows.When our children left the house the 2 of us had a life more close together and being in love like a new start.Depending on each other dreaming that we could be more relaxed after so many years of work Work is the only thing left for me.Survival day by day.Friends family no one can heal my broken heart.The holiday season when people must be happy and full of joy I wish to vanish and I know that all of you feel the same WHY? BOB I like the way you think I read the advise you gave to gail about the oportunity to find the person she is I feel my identity is not separate frm Yiany I realy dont know who I am.I wish my eglish was better so I can expres clear.TENY Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corinne Posted November 21, 2007 Report Share Posted November 21, 2007 Teny,Your English is fine and I understand everything you are saying. I too do not know who I really am, but I am determined to find me. I would also like to vanish through the holiday season but my girls are still young 7 & 8 and I have to try with every part of my being to put on a happy face and make the holidays enjoyable for them since it is the first year without their Daddy. We will somehow get through this together. I will pray for some peace for all of us during this holiday season.Hugs & prayers, Corinne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gail_R Posted November 21, 2007 Author Report Share Posted November 21, 2007 Teny I know exactly how you feel. Like you and your husband, Bruce was my one true love like you I was married very young at 18, Also like you are kids are all grown-up and we loved to spend all our free time together. We like to go away for weekends go concerts or just being together. I am finding it hard to do things without him. Sometimes I think that people donn't understand that we like being together doing things with just each other so being without him is very hard. Teny I hope that today will be a better day for you and your english is just fine. Gail Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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