Odd Number

[teny]

Last week Iv been invited for diner .I started acxepting going but always felt lonely and hurt coming home.The first invitation was of a couple of friends >we were 3 widows and 2 couples.The couples are so much older than me and Ikept asking why me again. the 2 widows are over 10 years of their loss and found a way of life.I left early cause I cuold not hold my tears.Last night I was at cusins home 7 people 3 couples and me the odd number.Sunday my brother has a lunch 11 people 5 couples and me the odd number!I wonder does any of you feel the same? Do single man not by choice feel the same or it easier for them ? The reality of being alone hurts more when Im among couples that are going on together.How willI ever find a way of life that hurts less? TENY

[WendyJ]

Teny I know exactly how you feel. I felt that same way at Christmastime. I looked around the room and all my cousins had their spouses and children and my sister had her husband and young children and then there was my Grandmother who is 93 and has been widowed for 50 years and my Mom who has been divorced for about 12 years or so. I felt so alone although there were so many people there, don't get me wrong my family is wonderful and so understanding, but with a room full of people it was so obvious that Steve was missing and I felt like the odd person there. I am no where near feeling better about my grief but I wonder how many people like myself are so tired of people feeling sorry for me. You know either that look that people give you like " You poor thing" or just what they say to you. I know they mean well but I had a good life and family before that I was proud of and now all I get is sympathy, I am just not comfortable with it as I am not used to it. Does this make any sense?

Love,

Wendy

[kayc]

Teny, I think it's particularly hard to get used to not being part of a "couple" or being Mrs. Somebody. You are fortunate that people are inviting you...I found my social life changed overnight when George died. I have forged a couple of new friendships, however, and gotten more accustomed, with time, to going alone. Even though I've remarried, I've still had to get used to being alone because we live 180 miles apart. When we see someone during the week, it is alone, not as a couple, and we don't have a lot of time for socializing on the weekend since that's all we have together. I am fortunate to have a dear friend that I feel comfortable dropping by any time and she'll be good for a cup of coffee or setting another plate at the table. It is nice to have those friends where you feel comfortable at each other's homes any time of the day or night. Oddly enough, she isn't someone I was close to before George died. It takes time to build and forge those friendships though. I remember a ditty I learned in grade school, and it is true: "Make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver and the other's gold."

[DesertBob]

Teny,

To be honest, I don't care one way or the other. I was one of two single guys invited to a friend's house for Thanksgiving dinner. I was the only guest of a married couple for Christmas. Frankly, it never crossed my mind that I was the "odd number" (or as we often say it here, "the fifth wheel"). Nor did I feel jealous or hurt. I appreciated them thinking of me and enjoyed visiting with them.

I don't think I would ascribe that to my being a guy. I'd think it has a lot more to do with how much of an identity a person had apart from their spouse, and also how much "couples" activities you engaged in together (thus making participating in something with couples more of a reminder of your loss). Linda and I didn't socialize all that much, and usually not in a "couples" scenario when we did, so I suppose that makes a difference. We were both introverts, and a little of that went a long way for us.

Was Iany more outgoing than you? Did he provide confidence and "cover" in social situations? If so, you may be fighting that adjustment as well.

Another possibility is this. Some people have a core belief that they are not a completely worthwhile person unless they're part of a couple. I love Linda, and I miss her, and I am so disappointed that we were not able to experience everything together that we had hoped to. I can list a dozen other painful things about losing her, but feeling less worthy or feeling inferior to people who still have a wife is not one of them. Personally I don't think this business of "I'm nothing without him/her" is healthy. It probably pushes a lot of people into new relationships prematurely on the one hand, or into despair on the other.

Best,

--Bob

Last week Iv been invited for diner .I started acxepting going but always felt lonely and hurt coming home.The first invitation was of a couple of friends >we were 3 widows and 2 couples.The couples are so much older than me and Ikept asking why me again. the 2 widows are over 10 years of their loss and found a way of life.I left early cause I cuold not hold my tears.Last night I was at cusins home 7 people 3 couples and me the odd number.Sunday my brother has a lunch 11 people 5 couples and me the odd number!I wonder does any of you feel the same? Do single man not by choice feel the same or it easier for them ? The reality of being alone hurts more when Im among couples that are going on together.How willI ever find a way of life that hurts less? TENY

[kayc]

Wow, Bob...still think you missed your calling! You are very insightful!

[LarrysGirl]

Why can't this be just simply that Teny (myself included)is grieving her marrige, her partner, the life they had planned together and in social situations right now for "her" there is an awkwardness of being there alone?? In social gatherings my Larry was probably the more outgoing of the two of us, yet we were a couple and functioned that way and it worked for us. He wasn't covering for me, we actually complimented each others personalities. I don't feel I have to have a partner to be somebody or have self-worth. Yet, while I am grieving it is a reminder that he is gone and I am here alone. I don't think it has to be anything more than that. Just a thought. Deborah

[Steven]

It is interesting how different people read the same thing, and their responses look as though they're responding to entirely different things. I read Teny's post and wondered if you and I had read the same thing.

It seemed to me that Teny was describing pain and loss rather than feelings of inadequacy, as some of your response seems to address. Clearly, you phrase your reply in terms of possible reasons for Teny's feelings, and are not accusatory, but I saw nothing of the "I'm nothing without him/her" business in her text, tho that may be the case, and might have been revealed in other posts (I rarely visit this forum).

Clearly, feeling as though one is nothing without a partner or spouse is unhealthy, but being unhappy about the loss of one's partner is only natural and I feel more accurately portrays Teny's position.

I think if my friends and family were asked about my sense of identity, they'd be hard-pressed to name someone with a more distinct persona. This sense of identity in no way informed anyone about how I would respond to the death of my wife or how I would feel in social situations after she died.

I miss T with an intensity I cannot compare to anything else--period. In social situations, these feelings of loss are sometimes even more acute. e.g., couples often develop a shorthand through the years, and missing a partner that could look in your eyes from across the room at a party and get the joke w/o it even being told doesn't reveal a personal flaw, it reveals only that the most important person in one's life still maintains a position of great importance. There is no natural metric in this scenario that indicates inadequacy or unworthiness.

For what it's worth!

(i will admit to being unworthy of T, tho!) - Steve

~ A strong sense of identity gives man an idea he can do no wrong; too little accomplishes the same. ~ Djuna Barnes

[DesertBob]

Steven,

As you pointed out, I was just running through possibilities. I have a tendency to be more thorough than necessary perhaps, but one my mind starts turning something over it tends to follow the thread to the end.

Many more people than post to a site like this, lurk and read, so our responses are not just for Teny but for those who will be drawn to this topic who might never even post. I have met people who have expressed that sentiment of "I'm nothing without him/her", even without grief and loss in the picture. It's something to consider, and accept or reject as appropriate.

I should also mention that just because I don't have a problem with these social situations doesn't mean no one should. Or even that I never will. It's just been my experience so far. If we had been a more extroverted couple, I might well have a much bigger problem with it.

--Bob

It is interesting how different people read the same thing, and their responses look as though they're responding to entirely different things. I read Teny's post and wondered if you and I had read the same thing.

[WendyJ]

Teny to put all this into simpler terms I suspect like me you may have been very young when you started your relationship with Yiany ? I was only 15 at the time and am now 49 so I believe people like me/you have a harder time adjusting to not being a couple anymore because that is what we have known for many many years, as with me in my teens. Other people that I know who were older when they got married had found their own identities and been out on their own for awhile and had an easier time adjusting to their new single status. We will adjust in time I suspect, don't rush it and do what feels comfortable for you.

Love,

Wendy

[Gail_R]

Wendy I think that you are so right. Bruce and I where together since we where very young and like you I think that maybe Steve was your only befriend like Bruce was to me. We meet when I was 17 and we were married 10 months later. So to be with one person most of my life is hard not to know who we are without them. The couple thing well I find myself not wanting to go were I am the only one without my husband it does not feel right to me but maybe someday I will be alright with being by myself but not right now. Teny just know that you are not alone we are all here for you. Dear friend all I can say if that you have come to the right site..people here are so caring and it does help to come here and post your feeling..if I could not come here and post I think that I would loss my mind. So take care of yourselves Ladies. Gail

[teny]

Thank you all for replying .I think that the way I handle the language try to transelate my greek thoughts in english makes it dificult to make myself understood .You are all having a point .I was married when I was 18 .I dont remember life without YIANY .I was the one who socialised more .Because of my work I needed puplic relations.>He was tere waiting for me to share every thing.Its not a matter of identity but of despair as you said BOB .Pain and lossand finding no way to ajust to reality as you understood WENDY and being among couples reminds more of the pain and the life that is gone for ever.Sharing my feelings and your answers is agreat help .Thank you my friends TENY