Grief And Sadness

[Kathy]

I am new here to this group.. The hurt is so raw right now, I just needed someone to listen to me, I knew my Mom was sick with COPD and on oxygen 24/7 and alot meds, also she had a few other problems. I am thankful I had my Mom for almost 73 years.. She turned 73 Feb 3rd 2008. and I had my birthday Feb 4th 2008. We always celebrated our birthdays together, She passed away January 29th 2008, a few days before her birthday.

We weren't expecting her death like this, started out with pnumonia and she was in 3 different hospitals in January, she had stopped breathing was put on a ventilator for 3 days, lots of things started happening at once. I want go into all the details, but it was soo hard to see my Mom suffer like this, in the end she couldn't respond to us and tell us anything, All I can remember of her last words to me was she wanted to go home..

The hard part was the decision to not put Mom though anymore suffering and the doctors said nothing else could be done for her, and I will never forget watching her die as they remove all the machines and all the medicines accept pain meds ( we didn't no if she was in pain or not). I am 56 as of this pass Monday,, I have 2 younger sisters and 1 brother.. my stepfather is also living and in bad health. I loved my Mom so much and I will miss her like crazy, my younger sister and I cared for her off and on thoughout the years.. more then my other sister, she helped some, We all have bad health and it wasn't easy for us to care for Mom. but we did the best we could.

Mom was a loving person, with a streak of stubborness just like me. I know I will have to adjust to what is coming and it will be hard.. I just needed someone to be there to listen.. God has been Good to me in many ways, I know he will help me though this. I am so glad my Mom isn't suffering now, and is with God and her loved ones who passed on before her. She was the last immediate family member living out of 12 kids.. May God Care For Her Now, Thanks for listening, Kathy

[Elizabeth A.]

Dear Kathy~

I know it's hard to wait for someone to respond when you put your heart out there into online space, and so though there are many others here whom you will find can help your pain better. I am writting you all the same.

You said you remember your mom telling you she wanted to go home. You know she is home right? She is at complete peace, where there is no suffering or sorrow, she will not have to try to draw another breath. My DH has suffered pneumonia three times and each time it has been very rough on him.

I'm sorry you lost your mother so close to her own birthday, and that you had to go through not only her birthday without her, but your birthday as well.

You know you did the best you could, and that's a good thing. No one could ask more of you.

[drew]

Kathy,

I'm so sorry that your mom had to suffer. I can relate to what you describe about having to decide to stop her suffering. No one should have to watch a loved one suffer like that. But the fact is that YOU survived. For some reason we are still here and that gives a little hope.

I'm so glad you found your way to this site. Keep coming back and posting. Just reading others' posts has been extremely helpful for me also. This place truly is like a family.

Drew

[AnnieO]

Kathy,

I am so sorry about your mom. My mom died Dec.7th 2006, and my dad died Oct.2 2007. I too, try to focus on the fact that they are no longer suffering. I wish I had something helpful to say to you, I just wanted you to know you are not alone. Keep posting it really does help.

[rosanne]

Kathy,

I am so sorry about your loss! I lost my mom June 10th 2007- I know what you are going through. 8 months for me- still going through some crazy days and my thoughts. I have done a tremendous amount of soul searching I can tell you that. I have two brothers- they help with my father (he is an invalid) and 74 years old. It is so hard, so hard- every day is a struggle. There are no answers. My mom died before my 50 birthday in Oct. there are no fun things for me anymore, I go to work and take care of my father, and try and be with my husband as much as I can. When my mom was on her death bed, and I was crying- she said, sis don't cry- you will be happy again...............I think about that so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Kathy]

Thanks for responding.I fully understand about the hard struggle of caring for parents, My Mom was not able to care for herself for a number of years, My sisters and I tried to care for her, we didn't want to put her in a nursing home, she begged to go, since she thought she was a burden to all of us.. it was hard, but we loved our Mom and wanted to care for her as much as we could. She was also bi-polar ( a chemical imbalance for years) so we had our hands full.. My stepfaher is not in good health either,but I haven't done alot for him, since Mom needed our help so much!!

Just the way she died and the suffering is so much to bear and think about. but I am so happy she isn't suffering and trying to breathe all time..It is hard to watch a loved one suffer.. I am use to death, my Mother-inlaw died in 1998 from a car accident, and my Father-inlaw died in 2001 from lung cancer, not counting all the deaths of my Mom's sisters and brothers and a few cousins and friends..We all know death comes to all of us someday, I also lost a great friend when my husbands Granny died in 1997..My grandparents have been dead along time.. But Mom and my sisters were close and we alwys shared everything basically and I will miss her sooo much, I have 2 sisters and brother.. (also I have two beautiful daughters and a grandbaby who is almost 2 years old.)Thank God for them and for my wonderful husband also.. God will see me though this, but it will be so hard. I can't face going though Mom's things yet, too soon!!! God be with you though your suffering and loss also.. I still think about my inlaws all time, especially holidays are bad..please continue to respond it helps, I just turned 56 Monday Feb 4th.

hoping we can continue to share our pain and hardships.. God Bless You! Kathy

AnnieO

Thanks for your response.. I am sorry for your loss also. the main thing to think about is they are not suffering anymore and with their loved ones who have gone before them. God has them in his arms now and can do a better job of caring for them.. I KNOW GOD KNEW WE COULDN'T NO LONGER CARE FOR MOM AND HE TOOK HER HOME SO SHE WOULD NOT SUFFER ANYMORE AND BE IN HIS CARE. BUT GOD KNOWS ALSO THAT WE WILL MISS HER SO MUCH, AND ONE DAY WE WILL MEET AGAIN!! POSTING HELPS AND SHARING THE GRIEF AND PAIN. Kathy

Elizabeth A.

Thanks for responding... yes Mom went home, but at the time I didn't know if she mean't she wanted to go home, or go home to the Lord. I know she is with the Lord now and out of her suffering...I will miss her soo much..the birthdays will always be hard, since we shared our birthdays together..Mom looked at peace after she died and was beautiful and even looked younger.. I feel like she was finally at rest and not struggling and worrying about things anymore. that really helps...but the pain of losing Mom is so hard and I will carry her memory and our memories for the rest of my life. I grew up with people thinking we were sisters, since Mom was only 17 years older then me..we acted like kids alot together and shared alot.Just keep me in your prayers and my family also. Kathy

Drew

Thanks for your response..yes it was soo hard to see Mom suffer and die,but I know others have to deal with this also. but when it comes to your own Mom and someone close to you, it can about kill you.. But GOD has brought me though so far..Mom wanted me to arrange her funeral. I had my sister to help me, that was hard, but I did it and I think I did a great service for my Mom, since her funeral was so nice.( if funerals are nice) as the Good Book says we are suppose to rejoice when someone dies and cry when they are born..but we don't do this. It is so painful and hurting to be happy....hope to hear from you again, I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts..God Bless You! Kathy

[mduwyenie]

Kathy,

Dealing with a death is always hard. My first hand experience was when my grandmother died on my mother's side, I was so close to her that it broke my heart and a piece of me died as well. My grandmother died the day before my 16th birthday. You know it supposed to be a special time in a young person life, but I know it wasn't anything my grandmother could have controlled. I wouldn't have wanted her to suffer one more day. If you know what I mean. She ultimately passed from having leukemia. I guess in a way our family is starting to be impacted by cancer. I have two of my mom's sisters that have already had cancer in one of each of their breasts resulting in removal. Then there is my mom that passed away from ovarian cancer just 10 months ago. The pain is still very fresh. So, I just wanted to converse with you and let you know that I too am thinking of you. I am just 39 years of age, and my sister is 24. We are the two siblings in our family. We still have our father, but that's another issue which still has some bitterness from the divorce.

[teny]

Im sorry for your loss.As you say dealing with death is hard .Im old enough to be your mom .I lost my husband and hurting so much that times I dont want to go on with life .Reading the posts today made me think that my children that are grown up they need me .thank you TENY

[Kathy]

Yes dealing with death is so hard.. I have been though so many deaths in my life, it should be normal now, but each time it hurts so much, my mother-inlaw and father-inlaw, now my own Mom,, the closer it gets to you the harder it gets..my stepfaher is in bad health also now and he is 77 years old.. Dieing is part of life, like being born.. but that is a hard part for me to deal with. I know they are better off then we who are living.. it is the missing part, knowing you will never see them in this life again..but they are not suffering anymore, I seen my Mom and father-inlaw suffer.. they are at peace now with God..I understand your pain over losing your Mom at a early age.it will take a while before the pain eases, it is normal, I still miss and cry over my in-laws deaths. they died in 1998 and 2001...it will just get alittle easier as time passes..but with my Mom I don't know, she was my all with my husband and daughters.I have a 2 year old granddaughter, I thank God everyday for her and my family.. it took me almost 11 years to become a grandmother, it was a miracle from God. So I do have her to spend my time with now..So God is Good and knows what his plans are for our future.

Just keep praying and God will be with you and your sister..Hugs, Kathy