A Step Backward ?

[lyn]

Why did u leave me when you promised me that we will share many years together? I couldnt understand why I feel angry with you now. I know if you had a choice, you would have stayed with me. I remember those days that I was so cautious with my safety because I never would want you to worry if something bad happened to me. God, it hurt so bad, Im starting to ask the 'whys' again.

Broken and bleeding heart, shattered dreams are what's left of me. It still hurt badly baby. Please let me wake up now from this nightmare.

[dpodesta]

Lyn,

We all go through those why's now and again. We think we have gotten past them then all of a sudden they rear their ugly head. It will be 2 years for me in April and just the other day I was asking why God had to do this,even though I know he has a plan for me and He sees the whole picture whereas I only see a small picture in the whole scheme of things. Hang in there Lyn, as you said he didn't have a choice in the matter, he wouldn't have left you if he could have stayed. He kept his promise in that he stayed with you the rest of his life.

Love always

Derek

[lyn]

Derek, thank you for your reply. I appreciate it. I thought I was progressing well, then all of a sudden the sadness hit me again with full force, and I feel like I am back to step 1.

"He kept his promise in that he stayed with you the rest of his life. "..this is so beautiful..and so true. Thanks again. I hope you are doing well too. My prayers are with you and Carson.

[dpodesta]

Lyn,

Believe me dring the first year there were several times that I took steps backwards and it felt like I was back at step one. Even today I take steps backwards, however now they don't feel like I am back at step one. It seems now that even though I am going backwards I am not going as far. Don't be discouraged Lyn, just keep putting one foot in front of the other and when you go backwards, once you are through going backwards put that foot in front of the other one and continue forward again.

Love always

Derek

[Sagie]

Lyn,

We all go through this, it's so hard. Keep the faith. He didn't leave you because he wanted to leave you, it was his time. I've been mad at Al for leaving me too, but then I remember it was not his choice to leave. He's only been gone one month, but in a way it feels like a life time. We were suppose to grow old together, I know that's what he wanted to. Take one day at a time, when you get sad remember it will pass. Remember the good times. We will all get better with each others help. I even believe I'll be able to stop crying someday.

Love & Hugs,

Reatha

[lyn]

Derek, Yes, I really feel discouraged and overwhelmed these days. Sometimes, i cant help wondering what I have done wrong to deserve this pain. We all know no one is to blame, the experiences we have are all random. Sometimes the thought of giving up is so tempting, but it is not a choice for me either, I still prefer to live the rest of my life. It feels like I am just floating now, going through the doldrums of each day. Im losing my sense of direction again, and I hate it.

~~~

Reatha, thanks. I do feel bad that he left me so sudden. I try to remember the good times, but it still left me with bittersweet feeling, couldnt do anything but to grit my teeth to control the tears. You know, I was even marking the days in the calendar that i dont cry, but when the sadness returns, I got toppled all over again and it is really bad. I hope this will pass soon.

[kayc]

Lyn,

You already know that it wasn't his desire or choice to leave you, but we feel what we feel, and our emotions don't have to make rational sense. It's not that we're angry with them so much as we just have some anger inside at the situation we've been left with. It will subside eventually, but in the meanwhile, just accept that your feelings are real and valid and not at all unusual.

[lyn]

Thanks Kay for being here for me again. You always have the right words to say everytime I feel so down. I have been hibernating, still floating with this sense of emptiness. I woke up and decided that I have to at least force myself to smile. Huh, that was hard to do these days. I dont know if it this 'valentine thing' that is giving me the meltdown, but glad it will be over tomorrow. Anyway, I have decided to accept my friends' invite to go out and dine with them tomorrow. As what I have posted before, I wont let this pain and sadness rule all the hours of my life. Have to program my mind how to focus and enjoy life's little things again, hard as we all know it is. Now, I feel better just writing this. Thanks for listening.