Intro.: Lost My Dad ~2 Months Ago

[Tammyk]

Hi all. I just joined and here is a blog I wrote last month for my Dad, thought that would be a good place to start:

In loving memory of my Dad 11/17/38-11/24/007

So my Dad passed away a little over a month ago. You wonder your whole life what it will be like to loose a parent and then it happens. He fought Melanoma for 15 years-neverending tumors. He just had one removed earlier in the year. Thought he had an ear infection until he fell down. I had to trick him to get him to go to the hospital. Cat scan and MRI later, he had a brain tumor on the stem. Inoperable and chemo doen't work on Melanoma. He went through 30 radiation treatments having his head strapped down in a mask. We helped him eat, read to him, changed the tv channels and yelled at the mean nurses. I had medical power of attorney. That meant a lot of very hard decisions at the end and shaky signatures on the authorization forms. He was doing so well and had another stroke. The Cat scan showed bleeding in the brain and that the tumor was larger than when he began his radiation. He kept trying to talk until the end but could not. I spent hours and hours trying to understand what he was trying to say. When he still had some control of an arm, I held a marker in his hand to write. He drew a heart. It's in a frame next to his picture. He was in a coma for 2 days and the doctors didn't think he'd come out of it. We walked in and he woke up, the day after his Birthday. He smiled at me so big and his eyes lit up, telling me everything I ever needed to know from him in that instant. I will never forget it. We moved him to hospice care and spent the week camped out there as I tried to finish my final school project to graduate. It was harder than anything I knew, being there, seeing him decline, watching, counting the seconds between his breaths, painting between tears. I put on the games for Thanksgiving and kept him updated on the score-he would give a small smile each time. I got so tired of saying goodbye. He waited until we left for a night to go. The social worker and my Mom and Brother forced me to leave bc I'd not left for 3 days and it was too much to take. I wrote and read his eulogy. I played "Hey Jude" at the beginning of the service. He and I used to sing to it at the top of our lungs in his car over and over.

We weren't close several years of my life. I began to get closer to him over a year ago, and am thankful for every second. You look back and realize through tears how much time was wasted with foolish pride. This has changed me. The growth that comes from a loss like this is staggering. I look forward to when I can enjoy it more. You find yourself forgetting they're gone and thinking something about them, then you remember. Thud. I miss him like hell but glad his suffering is over. I love you Dad.

[AnnieO]

Tammy,

I am so sorry about your dad. It sounds like the two of you had a wonderful life together. (Hey Jude is one of my favorite songs!) My mom died Dec.7 2006 and then my dad died Oct.2 2007. I too , try to focus on the fact that my parents are no longer suffering. I am glad you found this site. It has been a huge support for me. Keep posting. You are in my thoughts.

[tattoodlb]

Hi TammyK...well....You are absolutely right in saying that losing a parent makes one grow up in a hurry. I can totally relate to that...I'm sorry for your loss and glad you found this site. I have not posted in a while however I do get e-mail notifications of recent posts. Yours touched me in that statement you made. You know something? I think we truly grow up when we lose a parent because we then realize our own mortality...which is scary, enlightening and a propellent...it propels us into doing what we love, behaving differently towards people and life itself...we soul search and in doing that, we come to realize that we only have a certain amount of time here to do......whatever! We can make the best or worst of our lives and in that time when we lose someone....we finally see that...I finally got to actually "see" what my mom meant when she was teaching me, "Treat others as you want to be treated", and "You get what you pay for"...."Charity starts at home" and all of those phrases that sound dumb...when you're a kid....but as you grow up...you realize...damn...she was so RIGHT....

So...the enormity of losing a parent is that is makes us realize...what we have, what we've been given...and that memories are stored in the heart. Wishing you peace in your happy memories....Dana

[Tammyk]

Thanks guys.

AnnieO: Yeah, it helps knowing he'll never have to find out he has another tumor or another surgery or another CAT scan, which he hated with a passion. It felt good at the end telling him no more of that-no more IVs, only comfort. You mentioned a lot of good memories, which I actually don't have. That will be the topic of my next post. We weren't close until the end so it makes it even harder to let go of the painful memories of him dying bc those are the one in which we shared a lot of love openly. I'm thankful I got that time.

Dana: Yep, I got some hard core soul searching going on now-much needed too as my life fell apart around me just before Dad died and I hit rock bottom. It is also a release and realization of how I lived so much of my life either trying to get his approval/attention or rebelling instead of being true to myself. I feel like I'm a blank book and I'm only beginning to write it. Makes for an exciting yet very uncomfortable time laced through with sadness.

[drew]

Tammyk,

I am crying just reading your post. When you told of your dad drawing a heart... truly emotional. When life is reduced to so little, we seem to realize so much. It wasn't until my mother couldn't communicate, that I missed all the things that used to drive me nuts. Now no one nags me to do homework. No one calls my cell phone for no reason. No one cares where I am or who I am with. I have all the freedom in the world... But all I want is my mom back so she can tell me what to do.

[AnnieO]

Drew

I wonder if you would call my 20 yr old daughter and tell her its a "good thing" that I call her for no reason, or call her to see where she is and who she is with? I know someday she will realize, I do this because I love her and am thinking about her...the same reasons your mom called you. I miss my mom's phone calls too.