Back For The First Time

[Gail_R]

Today was the first time that I went back to the hospital that Bruce died at almost 13 months ago. Our daughter had to go and get same blood work done and said me to go with her. I never thought about it till I got there that it was the first time since Bruce's death that I was back at the same hospital were he died. I think that is one of the hardest things that I have ever done...just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. I could see that room where they had him...I could see him on the bed...I could see myself crying and saying to our kids that cann't be real dad just is not dead he cann't be..but he is. Sometimes I think that I'm doing not to bad and then I have a day like today were everything goes to hell. These last few day's have been hard and I'm sure why..could that one son and our daughter just had birthday's these last few weeks..could be that valintines day was just the other day...could be that it's snowing so much latey that going out is hard...could be just the winter blues not sure what it is but this I do know Bruce I miss you soooo much..all I want is my life back that way it was 13 months ago before all this happened to us. I have so much to be thankful for...our life together was wonderful..we were blessed with three beautiful children and two wonderful in-laws(daughter and son) and now two grandbabies on the way but still my life is not how it should be..you my love are not here with me. Thanks everyone for letting me vent...if not for you and this site I would be lost. Gail

[karenb]

Oh, Gail....

It really is not what it should be, but just what it is.....so hard on you and I'm sorry. There's so much we have to go through and it seems endless, but it sure does mellow out. I believe our "mission" is to be there for others. You are going to be such a wonderful, loving grandmother. I'm a grandmother and they call me, let me know what they're doing, etc. It's such a privilege to be alive and know what we know....loved, having been loved and so willing to love...don't you think? You are such a lovely lady. Hang in there.

Your friend, Karen

[teny]

GAIL I know what you feel.I had to go back to the same hospital with my mother last week.all bad memories came to knok me down its so hard but as Karen says we have to try to go on with life that is left.It great that we can support eachother.TENY

[Gail_R]

Karen and Teny you are both so right...but it was the first time back at the hospital sure didn't know that it would be so hard. But you are both right I got throw it..another thing that I got throw without Bruce. It's hard to be with that one person for over 30 years and still think that there is a life out there for me but you are right there is a life out there and it is up me to decide how I want to live it...right now I think that I will live it one day at a time and hope for the best. Thanks ladies for the reply. Gail

[WendyJ]

Gail I am glad you got through that, must have been so hard. Funny thing is March 7th is Steve's 1 yr anniversary of his passing and since most people would go to their grave, I won't because Steve's ashes are here with me. So I thought maybe I should go to the hospital where he passed and maybe go into the chapel, but now I am thinking maybe it will set me back too much and be too hard. I did take the day off from work and asked my sister to come over for a game/sleepover night that night, this way I will be busy during the day cleaning and then with her at night. We did this for my wedding anniversary and it worked out great. Gosh you guys has it already been a year for alot of us? We didn't think we would make it and we did, but man this is still so hard !

Love,

Wendy

[kayc]

Gail, that first time back is really hard, and I'm not sure the 2nd time is any better, to do it this soon is really tough. I'm glad you got through it...I know when I went through that I tried to focus on the reason I was there, although I cried, I couldn't stop the steady stream of tears. It is really tough.