First Post- It Hurts Soooo Much!

[C-C]

Welcome Jenew, I see that you lost your husband just about 2 weeks before my dear Cal passed from Cancer also, so I can REALLY relate to what you are going through. My CAl also fought with all his might until the Tuesday before he died. I know that was the day he gave up because when he asked me to take him outside and I told him there was too much snow for the wheelchair he said "put me in a wheelbarrow and take me out". I then told him I wouldn't be able to get him in it because he couldn't walk and he hung his head and said "I know " ....he kept his his head hung for a little bit and then muttered "what the hell kind of life is this".

I could just see the difference in him every day after that as he was leaving us. He died that following Sunday afternoon here at home with our girls and their husbands around us. I am just so thankful that I managed to keep him here at home til the end, as he wanted.

I also have a wonderful family that is trying to help me through this BUT like you said ... it is ok when people are around but it is this big empty house at night that gets to me and I cry a lot then. The first thing that came out of most friends mouths is "Well I guess you will be selling that big house now" .... I don't want to leave here because every place I look there are things that Cal has done inside and outside, like the arbour that he built in the backyard for our daughter to get married in and all the huge boulders he found and moved into my gardens for me ... I could go on and on but the point is that I feel SAFE and close to him within these four walls right now and I don't want to go anywhere. I know it will be hard to keep this size of a house and property going BUT I SURE AM GOING TO TRY! In the 24 years that we lived in this house our side door was NEVER locked because it was so far to go to when the door bell rang, but my daughters have insisted its not the same when you are by yourself..... so I gave in and it is now locked.

We were very fortunate that the company Cal worked for folded so he retired at a young age and he had 14 wonderful years of retirement. We were here in the summer and then spent the winters in Florida in what he lovingly called "our little house". I couldn't face going down there this year by myself and I don't know if I will be able to face it next year ... only time will give me the answer I guess.

As others have said on this site ... this is a good place to come to get moral support from others that have traveled the same hard road as we are travelling now. Most days I just sit and read what others are going through and I cry along with them because it seems just like me but once in awhile I can sit and send a post. Either way it is a place where you can vent your frustration and hurt and know they will understand.

Carolyn

[kayc]

jenew,

Welcome to this site, we hope you feel free to come back and share any time. You find here a group of people that understand and care, for we've been through it too. What we are going through is enough to test even the strongest faith! This site has been a lifesaver to me as well as all of the others that come on here. Your loss is probably the greatest challenge you'll ever have to deal with...most of us console ourselves that at least they are now free from pain and it's not them dealing with this loss, it's us. I wish you the best in all of the adjustments and changes.

KayC

[jenew]

Well, its been another week and I still feel just as numb as before. I go to a grief support group one day a week, and usually I feel a little better afterwards, but not today. I hate coming home to an empty house. I put it off, I shop, well I look; or I visit someone. Everyone just keeps telling me it takes time. I miss my husband so very much, I talk to his photo, I talk to him in the car, on the front deck, even when I shop. I still cry several times a day, and I find myself pulled toward sad songs and music. Am I just making it worse by giving in to it. I have no answers anymore, it seems my entire future is a blank. I would appreciate any input, since I just seem to stare off into space alot!, and get no answers.

[Guest moparlicious]

C.C.,

I am so so sorry for the loss of your husband. The 20th of this month will be 7 months, my beloved Dan passed away from cancer, also. He would of been 42 years old on March 25th. I know and feel your pain. I too, like you have a sister in law, who lives out of town, blame me for my husbands death and say rude comments too me, she even cursed me out, and said,"she was glad her brother was dead, because I am out of the family now." Little does she know, her brother and I have 3 children together and they will always be part of her and family.It is much easier for people to blame and tell you how you should grieve,then support you and be there for you. I was married to my husband for 20 years and with him for 24 years of his life. If she really thought about it, I was with her brother way longer than even she was, that is not the point, family members act so odd sometimes!!! I cry where ever I feel like it, as you should too. We have no right or wrong way to grieve,we just do what is best for us!!!!! I am sending you a virtual hug, and know that many people on this site are all going through the same thing. This site has been a blessing,for many people on here saved my life and continue to do so. I wish I could offer you more advice, but I am having a really hard month.I am here to listen and be your friend, for we all need each other. You are in my prayers, Love, Kim

[C-C]

Hi Jenew, You mentioned going to a support group..... I also thought about this but am timid about showing my feelings in public. I am just trying to reorganize all the drawers, rooms, garage anything that keeps mre busy. Last night I woke at 3 am and started in again. I worked for about 1 and 1/2 hours before I could go back to bed again. I still cry but now I am NOT turning on the radio because it seems that every song is too sad for me right now. I was married to Cal for 50 years and he had just turned 70 when he passed. I know the number sounds old but we were a very young couple in mind and body. He was NEVER sick and he could work harder than a 35 year old man ... our son in laws can attest to that! In fact when he had his first symptom of the cancer he was building a shed for a younger neighbour of ours in Florida.

It is very good that you have the support of your family and friends. I don't know what I would do without my girls. I didn't want to leave the house at all but they are slowly getting me out there now. I still have this twinge of guilt ... that I am here and enjoying myself while Cal is gone. Try to keep up your friendship with your friends as I am sure they will help to keep your days filled to a certain extent. I only have a few friends that have kept in contact with us as we were gone all winter for so many years that we had lost that close friendship with the others.

Hope this week gets a little better for you ... we have to just keep on going. Others have answered me and said that they are sure that Cal would not want me to be sad and cry all the time and it would like make him feel better to see me smile a little more. Well I thought about that and you know ... I remembered he said what he always LOVED was when I was happy and he often told me he loved it when I was humming or signing. It made him feel good to hear it. I am sure your Dan felt the same way so try to keep that in the back of your mind.

Please come back and post to let me know how you are doing.

[C-C]

Hi Kim, First of all I see I MADE A MISTAKE in the post to Jenew ... I thought her husband was Dan but I see it is your husband. Sooo sorry to the BOTH of you for this mistake.

I also find that I come and read the postings of the other people that have lost their loved ones and yes I cry as I am reading them because it seems just like what I am going through BUT yes it helps to know that I am not the only one going through this.

I just CAN'T imagine how you would have felt when she said she was glad her brother was dead!!!! What kind of sister was she to her brother to even whisper or think a think like that. Your husband and you must have had a very hard time even while he was alive dealing with a person that mean minded. Thank you for the hug and here is one back for you as I feel you must really need it with terrible people in your life at a time like this. It is hard for me to comprehend how you could handle this during your marraige of 42 years. It must have been sooo hard for you.

My sister in law (I am hoping even thought it did really hurt) made this flipent statement without thinking before she spoke. She tends to be a very cold person at the best of times. BUT now I feel guilty for even posting what she said because I found out that her husband (who is my Cal's brother) now has skin cancer. I did call to let her know that I was thinking of them and ask when they will be returning home from Florida but now I feel so guilty about posting what she had said to me. I hope with all my heart that everything goes well for them.

Seven moths alone seems like an eternity to me so I hope that you are doing the best that you can. Come back when you can and let us know how you are doing.

Carolyn

[Guest moparlicious]

Carolyn,

Thank you for your kind words, and thoughtful comments.Don't worry about making mistakes on here, we all are human.Most of the time I am so misty eyed, I can't even see straight.Dan and I were married 20 years and together for 24 years as he was 41 years old when he died. Its all fine. I do not speak to his sister and had a restraining order on her, for she would text me 68 times a day, very cruel things. I have taken the order off now, but do not want to be around her or associate with her at this point in my life. Your a wonderful person, and we are all traveling this incredibly hard journey together, holding each others hand, till we join our loved ones and try to continue on with our life here on earth. Everyone tells me, it gets easier, but right now, I am not at that point in my life.I will keep coming back, as you do the same.Try not to feel guilt for your actions, for we have feelings, hearts and sometimes loved ones words, just hit us the wrong way at that moment, that doesn't mean we do not love them or care for them, we just feel what we feel.who knows if it is right or wrong, and who really cares!!!! I read the posts everyday, but sometimes I just read. Glad to have a new friend, under awful circumstances, but we all are in each others life for a reason. Much love and care, Kim

[Guest moparlicious]

C.C.,

Just wanted to say that Heaven is and must be such a beautiful place,I was thinking of your gem of a husband and this thought came to mind. Heaven is one very beautiful piece of jewerly, because of all the different and wonderful gems in Heaven, we all have there. Their beauty and grace inner and outer is shining and glistening as we speak.You really helped me feel so much better today, I can go to school tonight and focus on whats important, GRADUATION!!!!! Thanks, Kim

[jenew]

Hi C-C, Thanks so much for responding to me. Hope you had a better day today. Yes, I have been going to a grief support group, for the last three weeks. It is at a local hospital in my area, and it does seem to help. At least I can talk about things and even get suggestions or different ways to try things that may help. I had found several groups in the area mostly church affiliated, but they were more of a social event, you know a lunch and then card games or dominoes. I don't need entertainment, I need to talk and cry and discuss things with people who are going thru it also. And it gets me out of the house. But its so hard coming back to an empty house. I think if I can ever get used to this online group, it will help also, I'm not really sure if I doing it correctly. I usually stay up late so that when I do go to bed I'm exhausted and will sleep. It seems that its been forever since EW passed away and then in a minute or two later, it seems like it just happened. I pray that God will just give me the strength to get thru each day, sometimes each hour. Take care of yourself, that's what everyone had told me, rest if I can and drink plenty of water. OK, ? Is that for all the tears i've cried or just something to do with my time. I'm not sure, but I try. Hope you can get some rest...... :