First Post- It Hurts Soooo Much!

[C-C]

It has only been 15 days since I lost my soul mate to an 11 month battle of cancer and it hurts like nothing I have EVER experiancied before. I am scared, hurting and so not knowing what to do with myself.

I know that everyones husband is special BUT I feel like I got the gem. He was the kindest most giving person to anyone wheather it was a friend or a compleate stranger. We were renting a place in Florida and one day I saw him run down the street to help another man push a lawn mower up onto his trailer, then just turn and leave giving him a wave of his hand. He never wanted anything from anyone as he was the giver.Another time he was helping a neighbour that was holding a yard sale by being a sales man for him and selling the tools he had. One elderly man bought some tools he needed for building a shed and Cal got talking with him and noticed he had a bad leg. Cal asked where he lived and found he was just a couple of blocks away so the next day he was gone on his bike to spend the next few days helping this man get his shed up. This is just the kind of person he was!

He was the one who made everything just right for me and now I am soooo lost and lonely that I don't know what to do. People call and I'm ok for the first few minutes then all I do is cry. I sleep with his photo on his pillow and kiss him goodnight then cry myself to sleep and then kiss him good morning and start crying all over again.

[lyn]

I am so sorry for your loss C-C. Please hang in there, and keep expressing your feelings here. There are lots of compassionate people on this site and they have helped me tremendously in my grief. Your soulmate will always be with you. I know how hard and painful it is. Here's a virtual (hugs) for you, I dont know what to say, but please know that I care and I will keep you in my prayers.

[Gail_R]

Dear C-C I'm so sorry for your loss. You have come to the right place everyone here is so kind and caring we will all help the best that we can. Just know that each and everyone of us have lost our soulmates also. It is 13 months since my husband Bruce died very suddenly..so I can tell that without this site and the people on it I would not have gotten through this last year. Just know that you can come anytime that you feel that you need too and we will be here for you. Gail

[C-C]

Thank you Lyn & Gail for your support. It helps to know I am not alone in this new type of life of living alone, even if it feels like it.

Carolyn

[LarrysGirl]

I'm so sorry C-C for the loss of your husband. It is so very very hard to go thru this. He sounds like such a kind person. He reminded me of my Larry, who would do anything for people. He was so good to me, something I'd never had before. Just keep posting and sharing your feelings. You aren't alone on this site. Its a family of people who know what your loss feels like and are here to listen and share with you. Deborah

[kayc]

C-C,

I am sorry you lost your husband, he sounds like someone we all would have wanted to know. I know that you love him and that the love you shared will never be gone. 15 days, it must still feel like a shock. We will be here whenever you want to talk to someone, cry, scream...

We've all been there.

KayC

[C-C]

Thank you for answering Larry'sgirl & Kayc.

Well I am missing him something terrible today. We both knew it was coming because they told us 11 months ago that he was not cureable ... so it was just a matter of time. He had kidney cancer that went to his lungs,brain,2 ribs, backbone and hip. I am glad to say that I was able to keep him at home the entire time and he was the best patient that anyone could have. He NEVER complained once!!! He seemed to accept the outcome very calmly. I was the one that cried but found that I had to do it alone because that really bothered him to see me cry.He died at home with me holding his hand and our daughters and their husbands surrounding him.

Like you Deborah, I had a man that put me above anything else. I remember I saw a window valance box in a magazine one day and said boy that is nice and without me knowing it he went out to his shop and made one that afternoon for me. He wanted to give me the world. He never wanted anything for himself. During his battle with cancer even when he was not feeling well if I rubbed my arm he would ask if I had hurt myself or if I was OK.

Oh I could go on about him for hours and hours BUT thanks for listening anyways.I am crying so Hard now that I can't see the keyboard any more so I will sign off for now.

Thanks again

Carolyn

[shaesmom]

C-C ,We are all sorry for your loss,the people are great here.I Know its really hard but like evreyone says it dose get easyer.I know it dont seam like it right now,but it dose.Its been 9 months since my boyfriend Chris passed away from a heart attack at the age of 31.Its still hard,but its getting easyer.A little but easyer.Please keep comming back it really dose help to get the hurt out. Just remember he is with you,and GOD BLESS YOU! REGINA.

[Rosemary T]

Hi Carolyn,

I lost my husband, soul mate and best friend 28 days ago and he sounds as if he was related to your Cal. With all the horrible people alive in the

World taking people like my Lou and your Cal just does not make sense to me. I have to really learn to trust that God does everything for a reason. Are you still living in Flordia? I live in Orlando and my husband was known by so many people for the exact behavior you describe in Cal. Everyone here says the hurt gets better, Carolyn. I am hoping they are right. I am so lost and alone without the man who put me first in every way and lived to make me happy. It sounds like you and I have lost a part of ourselves. That is what it feels like to me anyway. I did not have any children with Lou so I really do feel even more alone because I do not have to be strong for anyone. Believe it or not Carolyn, while you are posting here in hopes to get some relief from your heartache, you really are helping others as well. You are helping me because your grief is so new and fresh I feel as though I can relate to you. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Rosemary

[C-C]

Here it is 2AM and I am up again ... just can't sleep so thought I would see if anyone else was awake here.

Thanks Rosemary & Regina for you encouragement.

Regina you must still be wondering how this could have happened at such a young age...at least Cal and I had many happy years together for me to look back on. It is hard to imagine your loss at such a time.

Rosemary- I'm so sorry to hear of your recent loss too. As your Lou was like my Cal you must have lots of friends there. Please tell me ...has it helped by being with them or is it harder???

I live in Ontario, Canada but we always went to Florida for the winters. Most of our friends are down there and my daughters have told me that I should go down for the rest of the winter BUT I am scared to be there all by myself. At least here at home at one of my 3 daughters will be here on the weekend and I can cry with them without feeling embarressed or feel like I'm going to turn them away because it makes them feel uneasy.

It would also bring memories of such good times that we enjoyed down there together and now I would have to do alone (IF I even ventured out to do them).

My girls tell me that I would be able to keep busy better down there because I might get back into my scrapbooking and card making crafts with the group I enjoyed it with. Here I just seem to sit and think and cry. Sometimes I think I am just feeling sorry for myself and I should buckel down and get my life together and STOP feeling pity for myself because others have gone through it and seem fine.

I sat here tonight reading other posts and yes it does help to know that others are hurting just as much as I am. I guess I never thought of my posting as helping someone eles out there ... but more like it was me reaching out for someone out there to make it a little better for me. I just feel so lost and alone!!!!

[teny]

C-C Im sorry for your loss Ilost my husband 15 months ago from cancer by the time he has benn diagnosted he died within 10 days .I dont know whatis best along goodby or the suden good by .Both hurt so much when you loose the love of your life when you loose abig part of your self and your way of life.You have children that care for you but for me the first months having children did not help cause they had a shock of loosing a much caring and special father.All my friends in this site are and have been a great help giving courage when you fall apart and advise cause every one here hurts the same pain .Im thinking of you from far away TENY

[mfarah]

C-C,

I am sorry for you loss and I know exactly your pain. I lost my husband 3 months and 4 days ago he was 33. Believe me everything you are feeling is so normal I did not know that until I joined this wonderful group and noticed everything I am feeling and thinking everybody else has or is feeling and thinking the same things. Dont beat yourself up its okay to cry and feel sorry for yourself dont stop feeling pity for yourself you just lost your best friend it is so painful and you have to allow yourself time to accept life now without your heart. Only you will know how long it will be to accept your new life dont rush yourself to accept it, dont try to skip over it just be strong to go through it. I hope that makes sense. I tell myself that everyday I have to do this today this thing called life alone with a broken heart but at the end of the night I thank God he gave me strength to make it another day without Jack. C-C please keep coming back the people here are wonderful they start to feel like your new best friend I know it has helped me so much within just 2 weeks. I will keep you in my prayers. Love always, Marlene

Edited February 26, 2008 by mfarah

[C-C]

Thankyou Teny & Marlene for taking the time to answer me. I am finding (as you said) it does help being here on this board of others that have lost their life partner.

I just can't help thinking that I really need to stop feeling sorry for myself. I had one sister in law tell me that when people cried in front of other people they are looking for sympathy!!! This has really stuck in my mind and I try my hardest not to cry in front of anyone BUT it just happens. I wonder what she thinks I am looking for when I spend the WHOLE DAY crying at home by myself!!!!

Enough about me and my problems as you too have lost your mates!!!! So sorry to hear this and Teny you lost yours soooo quickley!!!! I had Cal here at home for 11 months before he passed. Marlene you lost your husband at SUCH a young age ... so sorry to hear. I hope that you both have lots of good memories to fall back on. I have the 6 memory boards that we made for Cal's funeral standing all around the house and I look and I cry BUT I see what a good, kind and caring man he was and that helps me somewhat.

Hold on to the good times girls.

Carolyn

[Gail_R]

Dear Caroly...I would guess that your sister-in-law has not lost her beloved or she would not have said such a hurtful thing. Crying is the best way that I and think of to let the hurt out. So cry and if that someone is uncomfortable OH WELL. Gail

[mfarah]

Carolyn,

Are you serious? She really had the nerve to say that to you I think that is one of the rudiest things someone can say to you when you are going through something so terrible in your life. Dont take that advice from her and dont let her make you think you can not mourn in public. You cry and scream wherever you want to whoever you want and trust me you will find more people in this world that care and want to hear you even if they are strangers. One day I was sitting at a car dealership where Jack and I always took my car for service and 2 weeks after he passed away I had to take my car there for my brakes. As I was sitting in the waiting room watching others picking snacks the dealership had to offer such as cookies, fruits etc. I was sitting there crying I could not stop I just kept thinking how Jack and I use to pig out when we sat there waiting on my car and we would alwasy keep each other entertained and now I am sitting by myself in this dealership and I dont want to pig out. Well anyway this older couple sitting in the chairs behind me were making dinner plans and I had a gift certificate to a local restaurant in town and knew I was not going to be using this card anytime soon so I went up to them and asked them if they wanted it and the lady said to me "honey why are you giving away a gift card" I told her "I would not be using it" she said "you have to eat dinner" I told her "I lost my husband 2 weeks ago and I am not ready to eat dinner without him especially at a restaurant" so this lady and I talked the entire time of our wait and I cried to her the whole time to this stranger and she listened I was willing to talk to anyone who would listen and let me cry and at the end of our conversation this lady gave me her phone number and told me to call her anytime I needed to talk and cry. So my point is you are not looking for sympothy there is no right or wrong place and time to mourn the pain does not go away because you are in front of other people so cry cry cry whenever and wherever. If your sister in law has never experienced loss of a loved one then she really has no place to talk and give you advice. I am sorry to sound very forward about your sister in law it just really makes me mad when people say the rudiest and dumbiest things to others who are mourning and facing a tragic time in their life. I have personnal had my share with the dumbiest things people say I have been told "just pretend you were never married" or "dont worry you are young there are people your age who are not even married yet, its not too late for you, you will get married again". What oh my God is this really being said is all I kept thinking. What kind of advice is this so I never took it as advice I ignored it and never thought twice again about it. So Carolyn learn to ignore and accept whatever advice you want and definitely ignore her advice. Remember, cry wherever you want whenever you want and as long as you want you are hurting and you dont have to be ashamed of that. Love your friend, Marlene

Edited February 26, 2008 by mfarah

[C-C]

Yes Marlene that is what she said to me when they came for a visit before he passed.

It is funny how some things bother you and make you wonder if that is what others are thinking. Well I guess I have to concider where it came from as they left for Florida while he was near the end and then didn't even come home for the funeral! This was his own brother and sister in law!!! My sister and her husband stayed home and moved in to help me with Cal and my other brother had just left for Hong Kong for the winter 10 days before Cal passed and he was on the first fight home to be at his funeral.

The rest of Cal's family were great ..... they came to visit him and did things that he asked as he was trying to have everything ready for the winter for me his sister didn't go to Florida until after he passed. His younger brother came to clear the snow for us and brought fuel for the big tractor and brought wood in for the winter. He did what ever Cal asked of him. His sisters baked something for him every time they came (we were all trying to put a little more weight on him). Even his brother in law came and fixed some of his equipement (a backhoe) and then sold it for him so I wouldn't have to deal with it later. Cal was sooo worried about what was going to happen to me after he was gone .... not thinking about himself at all.

Oh here I go again ... I could go on for hours ..... got to stop.

Carolyn

[C-C]

Bad morning ... Yesterday my daughter brought her daughter up to spend the night with me and she said she purchased a bunch of scrapbooking supplies for her and they were here to get me to help her start her first album. Well my granddaughter got everything out and we started putting things together and worked right until late that night. It was a good night and I know what my daughter was doing ....just trying to keep my mind from dwelling on Cal. Everything was ok until I went to bed that night and then I was wondering HOW I could have had fun with him being gone such a short time?????

Now I feel sooo guilty and I can't even get the energy or will to do anything now. What a horrible feeling. I looked at his photo this morning and just cried and cried while I hugged him.

[Gail_R]

Dear Carolyn..I know what you mean about feeling guilty the first time that I laugh after Bruce was gone I thought I can I feel like this with him gone and never coming back..but don't feel guilty this is a good thing to be able to smile and laugh a little. I bet that Cal was up there saying to himself that's my girl..come on honey enjoy those grandkids and let them help you heal. Like you I still have day's after 13 months that I wonder why it is that he is gone and I am still here. I will tell you this that I have more good day's then bad day's now but that does not mean that I ever forget about Bruce and the love we had for each other. So Caorlyn hug that picture and and kiss that picture and tell Cal how much you love him and miss him and know that you feels the same. Gail

[mfarah]

Carolyn,

I am sorry you are having such a bad morning but there is no reason you should feel guilty for smiling for just a moment in this tragic time of your life you were having fun there is nothing wrong with that and I dont know your husband but I know he must of been a wonderful man for you to love him so much and I know that he wants to see you smile it makes him rest a little bit easier knowing that there is a part of you that can do that again. It has been 3 months since I lost my husband and up to recently every time I smiled or laughed I felt so guilty as well, I thought how can I laugh and smile I am not happy and does Jack think I am happy without him because I am not crying. I then reminded myself what kind of person he was that he would always tell me in anything I wanted to do just do what makes me happy and always smile. So now whenever I am around people and I am happy for a brief moment it is because I remember what Jack would tell me just be happy. He was always a happy person he always loved to make people laugh he was the funniest person I ever knew. I learned not to feel guilty anymore if I smile because the smile only lasts a few short moments and even though I might have a smile on my face I will never have a smile in my heart but I know when my husband sees me smiling he smiles as well to know I am somewhat okay.

It is so ironic this subject is brought up because my aunt called me a couple of days ago to check up on me and of course it was right in the middle of one of my break downs. She asked me why am I crying (even though she knew why and she knows what I am going through she lost her husband 22 years ago and she has been alone since) I of course told her I was just missing Jack so much and wish so badly I could have him back. She then told me "Marlene, dont you know that every time you cry for Jack you are burning him with your tear" I was very confused by what she was saying to me well she proceeded to telll me this true story about a lady that lost her only daughter and she could not stop crying for a long time all she did was cry. Well then her daughter started to come visit her in her dreams and tell her "mom stop crying over me everytime you cry you burn me with your tears because of all your pain, just smile for me and be happy I am not hurting anymore so I can finally be at peace" her mom said to her "I cant be happy your not here with me anymore and I miss you" the daughter told her mom "I am always with you so smile because of that and dont cry over me because your tears are burning me in a fire". So the mother every time she cried she smiled too. When my aunt was telling me this I did not know if I could believe this story and I mentioned that to her she said to me "Marlene, they are always with us and they are happy but when you cry they have no way to express their pain so it feels like your burning them in a fire". I then understood what she was saying so now when I smile I know Jack is in peace and when I cry that is when I feel guilty and I apologize to Jack and tell him I feel I am burning without his love but I want him to be at peace I mean that is the reason he left us so soon to be at peace.

So Carolyn, dont feel bad for enjoying time with your grandchild or anything else you choose to do in life that makes you smile it does not change how you feel about your husband being gone it is just strength from your husband and God telling you everything will be okay and its alright to go through life having fun and smiling because they are always in our heart. I believe God works in mysterious ways and I believe Cal was working with him and they had you work on a project to make you smile and they knew having your granddaughter there would help achieve their job.

Love always

your friend,

Marlene

Edited March 7, 2008 by mfarah

[kayc]

Again, this is nothing that we haven't all experienced, but we should not feel guilty for smiling or laughing, for one thing, it's what they would have wanted. It actually shows a measure of progress that you should be proud of. It would not be healthy to just cry all the time. Because you smile with your daughter and granddaughter is no reflection on your love for your husband and how much you miss him. You will always miss him, but hopefully, there will be a lot more smiles for you in the future...just think of it like this, he is probably smiling from heaven to see your delight, no matter how short lived it is.

[fred]

Carolyn, Don´t feel bad about feeling good for a little while, feeling bad defeats the healing process. Can´t you just imagine Cal looking over your shoulder while you were working with your granddaughter, can you see the smile on his face? He sounds like the kind of guy that would be very happy that you were enjoying something. Bad days will happen, be thankful and happy for the good ones. One step at a time. Fred

[Rosemary T]

Hi CC,

For now I have not been around any of the friends that Lou and I had together that much. There are a few but only once or twice and only for a few hours. I am on Day 40 and still don't feel like being around people much. One thing I am learning about this is that everyone is different and there is no right or wrong way or timeline for grief.

Unless you have a place down here that really feels like home, maybe you should wait before coming. But then again, who knows, it might do you good. You are VERY lucky to have your daughters I would think. I did not have children with Lou so maybe I am mistaken that this would help. I do know that the little comfort I get is from keeping VERY busy and also from being near family (which I don't have very much of at all).

I think your heart will tell you when to take the next step. For now, do what feels best to you and don't let anyone (even well meaning friends and family) push you into doing things you are not ready for. Regardless of how much these other people love you they cannot fully understand your pain because your relationship with Cal was yours alone and unique to the two of you.

I hope I am posting this correctly; I am new at this and sometimes can't find the newest post or reply without looking for awhile. I am also blonde, maybe that is part of it.

Rosemary

[C-C]

Thank you all for your posts. I am sorry but I just couldn't answer any sooner. I did come and read BUT then the crying would start again and I couldn't see the keyboard to type.

This has been the worst weekend yet and I am wondering if it will ever get any better. I keep telling myself that I am just feeling sorry for myself and I need to get on.

Today it is 1 month since Cal passed and it seems like he has been gone an eternity!!! I miss him sooo much.

Sorry I have to go as the tears have taken over again.

[Gail_R]

Carolyn one month is a very short time since your husband passed away give yourself some time. Things will get better it takes time. Bruce has been gone a little over 13 months and I still have a hard time with weekends..I think that is because that is when we would have time to spend together and now with him gone i have to think of other things to make the time go. Carolyn don't be so hard on yourself.... just know that you have a place that you can come and we will help you the best that we can. Gail

[jenew]

I keep waiting to adjust to this terrible empty feeling. My husband passed away on Jan 25,08, after a battle with cancer. He was so determined to survive but God had something better for him to do. Even though my faith is strong, I just feel like someone or something has just taken my life and crushed it. I am lucky to have sisters, my children and friends who care but its just not enough. No matter how much I do during the day, being around people, whatever, at night its just me. And then it all just boils over, I miss him so much and can't get used to the idea that that part of my life is over. He spoiled me wonderfully, he was truly my knight in shining armor. We spent all of our time together, we were both medically retired, and had planned to enjoy our autumn years, now there's just me.

Hope I did this right! I'm not normally a "chatter", but it seems like a positive way to deal with all these feelings.

Edited March 13, 2008 by jenew