My Story...

[Montaigne]

I’m not quite sure how to explain this; as I’ve never really done it before – so I’m just going to try to divulge my story with as much honesty and authenticity as I can. Firstly, I’m a 26 year old male. When I was born there were complications and unfortunately the day after my birth my mother passed away. I grew up with 3 siblings in a household with a violently abusive father. My siblings and I all spent our entire upbringing living in complete fear of when the next outburst would come, and so it’s hardly surprising then that most of us later developed fear/anxiety disorders. Despite all of this I never felt that there was anything terrible about my childhood; at least growing up without ever having had a mother didn’t seem foreign or alien or different to the normal experience to me at the time. I guess I didnt know the experience of others, I didn’t know what it was like to at least have one parent that loved you and protected you, and most of all being a male I never knew what it was like to have a loving mother. When I was younger I never really thought about these things, I just.. coped.

As I became a young adult though my longing for maternal affection was clear. It wasn’t really until this point that I realised I would be so indellibly shaped by all that happened on the second day of my life. Life isn’t easy at the best of times, I know everyone is searching for meaning, and I was searching for a particular type of affection that I’d never had and longed for so deeply. Then, something amazing happened – and I found exactly what I needed and wanted. I fell in love with a woman who became very special and dear to me. Her name was Chloe. She loved me so much and cared about me so deeply – it was certainly like nothing I had ever experienced before. I didn’t realise until I met her that someone could be so completely devoted to the welfare of another; it was as though she was selfless in her affection for me. It was very maternal you see, so you can imagine the contentment and completion I felt at this time. Life was easier at this point. Of course unconsciously I’d always felt the weight of the fact that my mother died for me, and it was never something I had been comfortable with. I found it crippling; but with Chloe I was able to flourish. I had a very successful academic period where I received awards from my uni, and I was finally able to overcome some of my (serious) social hangups and such. I was doing very well and qualified for an honours degree, again i was doing very well in that and was certainly on course for a PhD scholarship (which is what I was aiming for). Then things got difficult again though.

Chloe was a very good person, and bad things too often happen to good people. It’s hard to explain just how damaging the loss of Chloe was to me. When you have something so grand it’s truly wonderful, but once it’s lost; the uniqueness that made it so special also makes it impossible to ever reclaim again, and the realisation of this cuts so deeply. It was like losing my `mamma’ (as I sometimes called her) for the second time. To be honest I think the pain it brought out was from the loss of both of these women. I became completely apathetic and gave up on academia. I’ve now found my way into a lowly menial job with absolutely no prospects for betterment. I’m a drone; the antithesis of what I had always wanted to be. It’s been years since I lost Chloe, and I’ve spent them all as an alcoholic. My self-destructiveness is quite an issue now. Parts of my body are completely covered in permanent scars from cuts and burns that I’ve asked women to inflict on me. That’s very twisted i know but it’s just what has happened. It’s linear in a way I think, because there’s no question that by default I feel a great sense of guilt over the fact that my mother died because of me, and so although it’s stupid there is something quite relieving about being physically harmed by women to me. Clearly I still feel that I deserve to be punished.

I’m not quite sure what I hope to gain from posting here, just to get things off my chest as I have never done before is something. I feel like I do actually know how to redress the situation, and that is to find a way to justify my existence. Justifying one’s existence is one of the most difficult and agonizing discourses that can be undertaken I think (particuarly when you have the death of another on your conscience), but it has to be done. I know the only way to overcome my self-destructive tendencies is to make my life worthwhile, and to live as my lost loved ones would want me to. I try to take steps towards that end, but it isn’t easy. Although I have a clear image of where i want to end and who I want to be, I can never seem to realise anything to make it so.

Although I’m a 26 year old man now, I need my mamma. Pathetic; I know.

Edited March 13, 2008 by Montaigne

[Elizabeth A.]

Oh how I think we all wish grief and mourning were easy, but it's not, it's life. Messy and complicated. I can tell you that you had no hand in your birth mother's death. I can tell you that if there is any blame to lay out, I wouldn't put it there. But that doesn't change how you feel inside. No baby sets out to hurt their mother, a baby new to be born is the embodiment of innocence.

You traveled through your childhood doing what all children do in abusive situations, like you said, you coped. Shoot, I defended my abuser on multiple occasions, I was a child and to not have done so would have disrupted the only life I knew, does it make the abuse my fault? No. Does it mean I pay the price? Oh yes, it was a price that as soon as the abuse began I had to pay. You found someone amazing, Chloe. She gave you love and you relished it. Yes you have made poor choices since loosing her, but you admit to them and own them as your own choices. I call that a step in the right direction, a step Chloe would have wanted you to make.

None of these things are pathetic, they just are. They are part of your past as well as your current battles. The road you are on is not an easy one. But at least you're here and want something different. Something more. Take care and post whenever you need.

[Elizabeth A.]

By chance have you considered a 12 step program? Perhaps that will help you as well.

[Cindi]

Montaigne:

I appreciate the honesty you share with us and I know the grief of losing someone who is more special than can be explained. Your posting tells me that you are intelligent and aware of the circumstances that have led you to where you are.

As a parent, I apologize for the fact that you had to grow up in an unhealty enviroment.

Mostly, though, I want to talk about your Mom. You feel responsible for her death. You are not. You did nothing to create the circumstances that led to her death. I want you to know, that I would, at any time, gladly sacrifice myself for the sake of my children. I'm sure you Mom felt the same. Most every Mom does. In fact, you have a special angel who is always at your side. I'm sure she would have wanted to be there for you but please don't blame yourself.

It was a very unfortunate incident and again, had your Mom been given a choice, she would have chose you. Hold that near and dear to your heart, don't ever forget it and don't doubt for a moment her love for you.

A minister told me once that heaven is another dimension just 90 degrees from wherever we are. Although she can see you, you can't see her. This made so much since to me and I hope it helps you. She truly is right by your side.

Hang in there, come back and share with us and don't be so hard on yourself.

Love,

Cindi

[shell]

Montaigne,

You have taken the first step to getting help and healing...posting this. I can't tell you how much I admire you for being able to tell your story so honestly. It took great courage to come here and share this with us. You may have to add in some counseling and some help for your alcohol problem, but I can tell you are heading toward setting your life on a better path. Please continue to share your feelings here, it has helped all of us so much.

I can only echo what everyone else has said, your mother dying is not your fault in any way. I'm so sorry for the horrific childhood you had and for the loss of your Chloe. And I know that both your mother and Chloe would want only the very best for you, so think of it as honoring them by healing yourself. I feel sure you have what it takes.

A big hug,

Shell

Edited March 14, 2008 by shell

[Susala]

Hello, Your story is so sad........I'm so sorry for your Losses. Please do not blame yourself for your mother's death. She does NOT blame you, nor does God. It is not your fault. You were an innocent little baby, an angel in God's eyes. Your mother gave you precious life, and unfortunately, childbirth has complications sometimes. It was her time to go to heaven and had NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU!

Just one week ago I lost my mother who I was lucky enough to have during my childhood and even my adulthood and am very grateful for that. Reading your story actually helped me. My heart is so broken for losing her, because I wanted to have her longer, but I should be thankful that I was able to have her as long as I did. So you actually inspired me and I know God works in mysterious ways. So thank you for your story and I wish you well. When we lean on God in our lives, things do get better. Don't know what I'd do without Him in my life. Thanks again, Susala

[Montaigne]

Hi,

Firstly I just want to sincerely thank you all for your kind words. It's funny because sometimes in life you can seemingly have a hundred and one friends and yet no one to talk to. I would have replied earlier but I wasn't in a suitable state of mind at the time. It means a lot to me that you've all taken the time and energy to reply. There something about seeings words written on the matter that strangely add value to it all or something. I'm thankful to be able to share things like this.

I just wanted to make a couple of clarifications. I realise that neither blame nor praise can be assigned to that which falls outside of the realm of autonomy; and as such I do [i think] feel comfortable with the fact I'm not `to blame' for what happened to my mother. Nonetheless I feel this weighty burden over the fact that someone died for my sake. I wouldn't have chosen to have the death of another on my conscience.

I know I should draw comfort from the ideas some of you mentioned; that my mother wouldn't change things, that she's watching me - but I don't. I find that to be the most heartbreaking of all. I feel double the usual weight of being to make things work; to realise potential; to do something for the betterment of others. If I was proud of who I am or thought I was a good person, then I suppose I wouldn't find these thoughts to be as crippling as I do. I don't want her watching me because I would cover my face in shame. I dunno... when things were going well then it didn't hurt so much. Now it's a different story, if that makes sense. It'd be such a relief if I could feel for once like I was living just for myself, without having to carry the cross of those lost. I guess having lost ones can either carry you or weigh you down, lately it just seems to be the latter with me though, or something.

I guess I know only I can make things better, and I know how; I just have problems beginning for some reason. I just want to stress again though; it means so much to be able to share things here and listen to you all. It's quite a rare thing for me not to feel completely alone; and it's something I wouldn't take for granted. I'm really appreciative. Thank you all so much. I know you understand because you've been there.

Love,

Mont'

[Elizabeth A.]

Mont

You found exactly the right place for understanding support. I have found exactly that here myself. My trouble isn't beginning, it's the follow through (which I am working on). I understand the weight you feel yourself hauling around, and of course the correct words say to tell you that you don't need to feel that way, but those are just words, they don't change how you FEEL, which is what really matters in the first place. Take care and visit often. It seems not matter how unstable life is, this is a nice peaceful, haven and don't forget perhaps the most important...SAFE.

[shell]

Mont,

It is so impressive, and hopeful, that you understand your feelings. You basically know where you stand, why and what to do about it. That's a tremendous advantage and I think with time you will find a way out of the "dark period" you feel you are in now. I've found, for me, just talking about what I'm feeling gets me thinking and delving into my deepest feelings and it all helps me to fight my way out of the bad times. You are an intelligent man who will figure it all out when you're ready. I have complete faith in you, I just feel you are on your way to healing yourself. Not easily or maybe even quickly, but steadily.

Hugs,

Shell

[tattoodlb]

Montaigne.... I have kept your posting in my inbox (I get new topics sent to my e-mail) and I have spent several days reading and re-reading it...It touches me that you have had such a tremendously difficult and dangerous upbringing. I can relate to that in a small way.... my mom left my dad when I was not quite 6 and I saw her with men who would beat her and act out violently, so much so that I would hide in my closet until they were gone. My mom had a "hobby" that would introduce us (my sister and I) to unsavory characters and did not make for a safe home life...at any rate...

I am sorry for your double loss, not knowing your mom and then for losing Chloe. I won't fall back on the old cliche that things happen for a reason lightly, however you seem like you are capable of great things and you yearn for knowledge and learning and the ability to change things and help people...

Learning from your past and then going on to make good choices and being who you were meant to be might seem like a gargantuan task at this point, but the rewards in the end will hopefully put all of this in perspective for you at some point in the future. Escaping feeling with drugs and alcohol only delays you from feeling your feelings.....they come out no matter what, sometimes in odd ways and at odd times. I agree with Elizabeth on getting yourself into a 12 step program, or if you are capable, just stopping the destructive behavior all together cold turkey. Maybe even speaking with a counselor on why you want women to "mark" you...

You strike me as being aware of yourself and the things that you do....will eventually become your past and your future is what you make it to be...I will keep you in my thoughts. I wish you peace in your time of crisis and I wish you love in your heart in your time of loneliness.. Do not dispair, your loved ones have not left you, not really, as long as you remember them and keep true to yourself...they will be with you...All the best... D