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My My This Months I Am Struggling So Bad!


Guest moparlicious

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Guest moparlicious

Hello all my wonderful and amazing friends,

I have not been on here in awhile, I just am having a really rough time!!!! I have moved out of Glendale and back to Phx,(11th ave and Greenway), where all my friends are and away from Hospice and the Hospital (Hospice was a true blessing for our family, but I just could not take it anymore driving by there everyday)On March 25th it would of been my beloved Dan's 42nd birthday( I promised him a fishing trip, with our 3 kids)and Easter is right before that. Then on April 2nd, it would have been our 21st wedding anniversary.I just can't seem to stop crying this month. I miss him so much!!!! I need all of you, more than ever and help me with some advice to get through this!!!!! He was so sick this time last year, we did not get to do anything.A thousand times I wish I could see his face again,hear his voice and touch his lips.I miss holding his hand, and him, completely!!!!! I got rid of most of his clothes,when we moved and found myself apologizing to him so much, I feel so guilty and I do not know why?His jackets still smell of him and I kept some of his other belongings. I have all his tools and all of our camping gear, and most importantly his fishing pole. I can hardly stand to look at it. I am working full time and I did go back to school, but I silently wish for my death and would like to take a bottle of pills and never wake up. I know our children would suffer, but his death seems so senseless(cancer)He is one of Gods angels and his time on earth was done, butI wish mine was done too. Thank you for all listening and letting me vent, I need and appreciate each and everyone of you. Kim

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Kim, I just finished thanking you for your post to me (C C) and now I come and read this post from you and I can see your heart is breaking!!!!

I also see your wedding anniversary of April 2nd would be 21 years. Mine and Cal's is April 1st and it WILL be 50 years. I said I am still going to (I don't want to say celebrate because that seems to mean party) BUT as far as I am concerned I am still married to him so I am going to honour it.

Your WHOLE post seems exactly the way I feel too so I DO know what you are going through. Now in my answer to your post to me I was saying how some of the others have said to me that I should remember that Cal wouldn't be the kind of guy that would want me to be sad and crying ALL of the time as I am sure your Dan wouldn't want either. I did a lot of thinking about this after I read it and I did remember the times that he would come into the room as I was humming or singing to the radio and it made him sooo happy to hear that I was happy. He told me this so often!!! All he wanted out of life was to make me happy.

I never think of taking pills to make it all go away BUT I just don't worry about things that could happen to me... like before I was nervous to ride with someone that I knew wasn't a good driver BUT now I think well if anything happens it dosen't really matter anymore I would sooner be gone than here alone.

I have read many other posts that sound the same so we are all in the same boat BUT we have to think of our family that WE would leave behind to go through this kind of suffering with neither one of their parents to lean on. I know how hard this is on me and I wouldn't want anyone else to go through it soon so I will hang in there even though I know it is going to be hard. I loved that man with all my heart and I hope to be with him again some day but for now I will just have to take one day at a time and keep remembering the smile that came to his face when I was happy.

PLEASE PLEASE come back and talk things out with us so we can try to help you through this bad time you are having. I will be thinking of you.

Carolyn

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Guest moparlicious

Carolyn,

Thank you so much for your helpful and thoughtful words. I know I would not follow through with the pill thing, and that is selfish and thoughtless of me, I just am having such hard days and miss my Dan so much!!! I thank God for this site and for all of you!! You all are my inspiration, my heart and my motivation.Much love and care, Kim -_-

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hELLOW i WAS JUST READY TO POST HOW BAD MONTH OF APRIL IS FOR ME AND i SAW YOUR POST.Im soo sorry that you feel this deep sorrow but I do understand.The 9 of April is the day we met 11 my birthday 22 Yianys birthday and 27 Easter.Lonely feelings crying depression my conpanion.KIM you have to go on cause you have kids that depent on you I think that if I had a responsebilityI would make my heatr strong cause your kids are patr of your love and your husband lives in their blood and cell.Im thinking of youTENY.

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KIM,

I am so sorry you are having a rough time especially with your husbands birthday & your anniversary right around the corner. I lost my husband on Thanksgiving day (a little over 3 months ago) then 24 days later would have been his 34th birthday, then Christmas, one month after that our daughters 2nd birthday and one month after that would have been our 5 year anniversary. It was all back to back as soon as I thought I could stand on one toe (of course not my feet too soon)there it was another thing I had to face alone and I was not ready I did not want to do it without my husband but I had no choice the days that at one time were celebrations were here and I just had to tell myself I have to do this and get through it. Now my next fear is Easter, Mothers day then Fathers day but most of all the entire summer because that is the family time, the beach, the bar-b-que's, the yard work, etc. They say your first of everything without your loved one is the hardest so we will see next time around even though that is to far to think about I just want to focus on getting through today.

There are no words that can make all the upcoming specials days for you easier but maybe some advice from my recent experience to help you get through them is to celebrate the days, of course your not going to celebrate them the way you once did before but celebrate them in a different way. On your husbands birthday get a cake sing to him he is still having a birthday in heaven and in your heart, he will hear you and see you blow out the candles and yes you will cry but he will smile. Blow him a kiss and wish him a happy birthday. On your anniversary get together with a friend or two and do something you and your husband would have done together such as go out to dinner or go to a movie and just talk about your wonderful relationship that you shared with your husband. Of course none of this will be the same and you want things to be different the way they once were, we all do but unfortunately we cant change our past so we have to find ways that might make the days just a little bit easier and ways to get us through the day. Just try to reach your hand out to people close in your life and ask them for help even if its just an ear. Take care of yourself and dont forget we are all here to help you we will be your ears whenever you need us.

Love,

Marlene

Edited by mfarah
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Hi Kim

I haven't been here for awhile either, apparently for the same reasons. Having a hell of my time myself after losing Kate 2 months ago. Seems strange that when the hurt builds, we shy away from this board and the people that care til we're about to explode. You special days coming up are just some of the firsts we all have to go through. Hang in there and we're all here for you.

.......Scotty

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Guest moparlicious

Scotty,

Thank you so much for your kindness, you are a wonderful person!!!! I am so sorry for your loss of your beloved Kate.I am trying to hang in their and I know I am blessed in many ways, just having a really hard time, like all of us.Thanks,Love and concern, Kim

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