My Dear Girlfriend, Maggie

[Maylissa]

Once again, I've been thrown into shock and grief. Some of you who have been here awhile may remember my 'little' friend, Maggie, whom I'd been feeding since shortly after we lost our beloved Nissa, thinking she was possibly abandoned, and whom I later found out actually lived only 2 doors away from us. I'd always believed Nissa sent her Mommy this new friend, to help ease the shock of being suddenly kidlet-less.(at least I think I'd spoken of her here)

Maggie's been my steady friend ever since, visiting me almost daily except for very inclement weather days, and I came to rely upon and look forward to her visits. I'd still give her small snackies (just not very much & only because she'd never leave until I did!), and sometimes we'd play the game of Chase the Crunchie Across the Room, one at a time, so she'd get a bit of exercise and it would seem to her like there was a good amount of snack when there really was only a tiny bit. Maggie never moved very fast at all....unless there was either food or a bird or squirrel involved....and then, she was fast as lightning!

Lately, I'd REALLY been appreciating her company and all she's done for me and my psyche, establishing our own little routines together and each of us looking forward to it warming up so we could spend some time outdoors together.....something I especially was so grateful for, since being in our garden, ALONE, is still so very hard for me to do. I'd told Maggie as much just a couple of weeks ago. At the same time, for the first time ever, she'd decided one day to join me on the couch, totally of her own volition w/o ANY cajoling whatsoever on my part. She stretched out with her paws against my legs, beside me, I did some healing work with her (she's taught me so MUCH with this particular form of healing!) and she purred, allowing me to stroke her head....but not TOO much....that's Maggie for you. Poor, nerve-wracked girl (hence her hissy-spitty-ness), with asthma at the very least and as I'D always suspected, a heart condition as well and possibly even thyroid disease.

I'd spoken with her 'dad' about this, but I don't think he ever took it seriously to heart, especially considering he's an allopathic doctor and I was suggesting alternative means to address her conditions. We always said that had she been OURS, she likely would have been able to have become much more healthy again....*sigh*.....so my heart went out to her, always. Last Xmas, we'd been given a plate of dainties as well as a lovely card from her family, thanking us for providing Maggie with a "second home" to come to when she needed to. I was rather stunned, not expecting this, but very thankful they'd come to accept Maggie's visits as fine and dandy.

Last week, we came home late one night and I soon found her outside our patio door, scratching to be let in. I was alarmed because she's NEVER normally allowed out that late, except at odd times in the summer months. I'd noticed throughout the year and a half that we've been friends that chilly air aggravates her asthma, and she's had to rest, heart absolutely pounding, breathing heavily for quite awhile, if she's been outside too long. Anyway, I immediately let her in, and she lay down right away, trying to breathe, her whole body heaving up and down with the effort. She did ask for some snacks but barely ate any. And then, she willingly leapt up on the couch again, we slipped a cozy blankie under her and I went to work with some healing.....which had her purring, kneading the blankie and looking totally relaxed, although still breathing hard. But w/i minutes, her breathing was improving and suddenly I found myself stroking her head....not just a few short times, but many....and then I leaned over her to plant several kisses on her head, a number of times....and she not only LET me (this was decidedly UN-Maggie-like!) but welcomed them! I was ecstatic! This was a moment I'd been waiting for for all the time I've known her. And yet, I'd also had this terrible thought a few months ago, that Fate might be cruel again, and once I'd finally achieved this new level of affection with her, she'd be taken away somehow from me. But in that moment, I forgot about this horrid thought and was simply enjoying our wonderful, little, shared victory. It was obvious the healing work had done some lovely 'magic.' She also, for the first time ever, didn't hiss at me when I picked her up and even let me give her MORE kisses on her head and neck as I carried her later on. I was thrilled and SO looking forward to a future friendship with this new level of trust and intimacy.

I'd already called her home, but no one was answering. We would have gladly kept her overnight, although I was worried about her not getting either her regular food (whatever the heck it WAS), OR her meds........terrible, terrible STEROIDS - all that I was aware they were giving her on a daily basis for the past few months. However, as we peeked outside one last time before bedtime, we saw someone arrive at her home, so my H promptly went over to tell them we had Maggie. I believe it was Maggie's 'dad''s ex-wife, who was calling for her as my H approached. Her 'dad' had apparently been suddenly called back to his office and couldn't find her when he'd left. So goodness knows how long she'd been outside, waiting for ONE of us to let her in!! She was taken back home and her poor condition was mentioned, as I wasn't sure if she'd missed a med. or not.

Either the next day or the day after, on the wknd., I'd gotten a very early knock on our door, to find her 'dad's son and either the daughter or his girlfriend there, asking if she was at our place again. They were heading out and wanted to make sure she was in before they left.....yeah. I checked in the back and sure enough, she was catching some rays on our patio....probably not even haven gotten around to clamoring at the door yet, as I'd been right there and hadn't seen her yet. So I let her in the back, but promptly scooped her up before she could even use Nissa's post for a scratch, seeing as her people were waiting....still, no hisses and allowing me to kiss her all the way to the door, where I handed her over, having already explained to her what the rush was. I said to her at the door, "Come back later and we'll VISIT some more!", and kissed her once more.

The next week, I knew something was strange and I became worried. I never saw her "dad's car, the other car sat unmoving in the driveway, the car the woman had come in was still parked out front, and later another new car sat across the street for a few days. The blinds were kept drawn, I never saw any lights on.....yes, I was worried. I wondered if something had happened to her 'DAD'! I worried about who was looking after her, had something happened. And of course, no Maggie visits all week. I finally went over....on two separate occasions.....but no one answered the door. I went to check with our in-between neighbour, too, in case SHE knew anything. They were also not in.

I tried more remote healing for her that night as well as a communication, as best I could. It gave me chills. The frequencies were palpable for most of the time, even while 'talking' to her. She gave me the sense of feeling very sad, confused and even a bit angry. I tried to press her for more info., but couldn't seem to get anything else clearly. I told her I'd try to find out what had happened.....and as soon as I did that, the palpable energies in my hands stopped dead, everything went cool and felt like a total VOID. I suspected I knew what that meant, but it was too upsetting to dwell upon.

So yesterday, as I drove by upon coming home, I saw her 'dad's car out. FINALLY! I dashed over, catnip sprig in hand, and the son opened the door. Finally, I'd find out what the heck had been going ON all week! I immediately asked, "How's Maggie been doing??? I haven't seen her in so LONG!" As soon as I saw his eyes change, I knew........

Very shortly after I'd last handed her over at our door, her 'dad' had gone away on vacation and left his son (in his 20's I believe) in charge. And Maggie....poor, dear Maggie.....had suddenly started coughing up blood and gone into respiratory distress and her heart was affected, too. The son was advised (what else is new???!!!) to euthanize her. (understand....out here, most vets don't like to fight for an animal's life, unless people insist &/or already know something about medical possibilities or info.) He made the decision right then and there. They figured that the chill she got was so severe for her that it aggravated her asthma to this severe a point. And instead of trying to save her, she was euthanized.

I started crying at their door, while the son, while looking sad, wasn't teary-eyed. He said it had been a really rough "few days", or "couple of days", or whatever short time frame he picked. I said a few words of comfort, he thanked me for "dropping by" and I went home, trying to hold it all in until I was inside. I've been crying ever since, except for the public hearing I HAD to attend last night to help fight a battle over this stupid town trying (once again) to shut down the only no-kill shelter we have in this area. (I suspect we won, at least for now, as this was the first official protest with posters, etc. this town has ever seen....and media coverage) Once home, I couldn't stop, even throughout the MOST-welcome conversation I had with a wonderful friend who'd called to support me after reading my email about Maggie's passing.

No, Maggie wasn't MY girl, but I feel she was HALF my girl, or at the very least a really good, steady, dependable and potentially really loving girlfriend.....who picked up in the most welcome way for me, where my beloved Nissa had to leave off. I wasn't ready for a new furchild, so Maggie became the perfect 'solution' for ME, and where I've been at all this time. And now she, too, is just GONE! I'm still constantly checking the patio and garage door for her 1-2 visits/day. Now our different, but so-welcome rituals are gone. The special food I bought for her sits in the cupboard, her water bowl put away never to be brought out again, Nissa's post absolutely useless now, for the first time since SHE left, the catnip plant still growing....for what??? My heart, broken again.....and a link to my own girl, severed. The gift she sent me, gone. It's like losing her all over again, on top of the separate grief for Maggie, my dear friend....the other feline who helped get me through the loss of so MANY friends after I lost my Nissa. I'd JUST thanked her for that, once again, for being more dependable, more reliable, more steady and calming for me than most people have been so far through my sorrow.

I'd thought the emptiness without Nissa was bad enough. But with Maggie gone, too......I feel it's going to be even more unbearable. I KNEW how fortunate I was to have her in my life almost every day. So.....although she wasn't 'mine', she was very important to me, and yes, my heart loved her, too, regardless.

So Maggie.....this story is in honour of you, all that you gave me, all that I tried to give you. I KNEW you were a real sweetheart deep down, despite how your illness made you feel, so moody at times. And you and I, Maggie, we finally achieved that trust and affection I knew we could. And I know you've taken my advice and met up with my own kids, now know just how sweet my own girl and guy are, and you, them, my bird(s).....you're all together, in spirit, and in my heart. I know because you ALL paid me visits/gave me signs, just this morning. I trust your spirit body is healthy and whole again, slim, trim and ready to roll. Be well, Maggie-Mae, Maggs, my dear one.....your Auntie will try and 'talk' to you again soon....as soon as I can stop crying. I'll be missing you....much more than I ever expected I would, and so much sooner than I imagined, too. You deserved better, dear Maggie. But at least I got to be a part of your life, and I thank you for being in mine....but oh, man....my aching heart....it's gonna be SO extra-lonely around here now, without you.

I just can't believe she's gone....and I HATE these all-too-familiar feelings....

(I hope to be adding a picture of Maggie once my H gets home to change the file type, since I don't know how)

Edited March 19, 2008 by Maylissa

[MartyT]

Maylissa, dear ~ I know there is nothing I can say to ease your broken heart, but I will say it anyway. I’m so very sorry to learn of your loss of Maggie, who truly has been such an angel of mercy for you these last few months. I hope it brings you some small comfort to know that you were for Maggie her angel of mercy, too. The joy she brought to you was returned tenfold, because you showered her with just as much love as she gave back to you. You have so much love to give to these precious feline creatures, Maylissa. I know that if my soul should ever come back to this world incarnated as a cat, of all the people on this earth, I would want to belong to you.

Please know that our thoughts and prayers are with you at this sad and difficult time.

[Maylissa]

Oh, Marty..... ....thank you SO much for those special, loving words. Yes, they were needed and so appreciated. I'm stunned at how much this hurts, even though I know it's tied in with my still very present grief over my darling daughter. Still....it's a shock - both Maggie's sudden absence and the depth of my feelings for her. I just can't stop crying.....once again.

And were you to come back as a lovely cat, I'm POSITIVE you'd make as perfect a one as my own girl did! And I'd probably be completely compelled to take you right in as my own, ready or not.

I sure could use some wonderful fur underneath my hands right now.....and I have to admit, Maggie had some of THE softest fur I've ever felt (next to Sabin's ultra-silkiness) Maggie's was like a cloud, somehow (I told her so all the time).....I miss her so and just can't believe she was snatched away so suddenly, before I could even say a proper "See you later my dear girl, and take care until then." Despite this, I also realize concurrently that she's taught me something else.....that I'm still not ready for more than being 'just' friends with anyone yet. If it hurts this bad when that's 'all' she was, I can't even imagine how it would feel had she been wholly my own furchild. Bless their huge, helpful hearts, all - they bring with them so much teaching for us, it's incredible.

Okay, back to the necessary tears now....and they sure are acridly burning on my cheeks....

[Elizabeth A.]

Oh Maylissa~ I'm crying real river running tears for the loss of Maggie. You know I can tell you why her fur was so soft, it's because it was such a gift to be "allowed" to pet her. The texture of her fur made it all that much more special. As Marty said the gift of her time to you was just as much for her in return. What a very special relationship, I am deeply sorry it ended to soon, and under such circumstances. It's good to know she is whole again and will not have to stuggle another breath, but that's not much salve for your soul I know.

I had actaully begun to wonder where you'd been over these past few days. I wish it would have been under better circumstances. Perhaps when you feel up to it, maybe you wouldn't mind sharing about those healing energies? My oldest girl Kitty, though only 7 was abused in her first year of life, I fear rather badly (from what I gather she was denied both food and water, and I suspect there was also violence involved). I would be interested in knowing how to help her and sooth her. I have been able to convince her that water is ALWAYS avail. in our home and that "no" spoken gently doesn't mean I'm going to hurt you, but not much beyond that. But there I go talking about me. Take care of yourself hun, some of us crazy cat ladies (like I dunno, me) need you.

[Maylissa]

Elizabeth, your words ring so true....thank you for those. You know, I thought the same thing myself - that is indeed why Maggie's fur was so darn soft. And it was always SUCH a delight to pat her, not only because it was such a privilege but because it never looked as soft as it really was, so it was always such a lovely surprise, time and time again!

This morning as I was making the bed, I SWORE I heard Maggie's collar-bell jingle in front of me....I hope it was her....although I always HATED that stupid bell, ruining all her fun. It must be so annoying for cats to have to listen to that jingling all the time, what with their so-sensitive hearing. It's annoying enough for us humans, never mind them!

It's just breaking my heart, knowing that she wasn't looked after as well as I would have liked to see, for her sake, and that now my role as helper to her has gone up in a puff of smoke, too. It feels like a total affront to me, from Source, since this is, I feel, pretty much my main reason to be here and what I have to give to the world. It's like a cruel joke, that the smaller-scale way I was fulfilling it (and more importantly, the way it brought me what little joy I could muster up from doing so as yet) has also been ripped away from me. That, in itself, is bad enough....but mainly, I feel so terribly bad for dear Maggs. She deserved so much more and I believe she was only about 8 or 9 years old, so should have had many more years of life in her here....had she been getting better, more holistic care.

I've just been reminded that steroids increase appetite, and Maggie was always soooo hungry to begin with (though she was already unhealthily overweight), so I can just imagine how tortuous it must have felt for her and the "stomach fire" (a TCM term) she must have been plagued with so often. You could see it in her face....so desperate to squelch that discomfort, she was. Last I heard, her family had her on a "diet", and goodness knows what kind of diet that was - probably (considering the vets in this place) not a GOOD one, not one that would actually help & w/o adding suffering. But she'd been put on steroids for her asthma (never a solution and only really properly meant for short-term, emergency use, they're so dangerous overall) and I don't believe she was even being treated in any way for her heart, which was so obviously stressed.

OH, Maaaaaggie, you poor, poor girl!! And now, on top of everything else, your life has been swiftly ended here! Goodness knows what might have been attempted, given better doctors....instead of THIS!! It's no wonder I sensed such sadness, confusion and anger coming from you when I tuned in! And I was helpless and powerless to stop any of it on your behalf. It makes me ill to think of it....it all seems like such a big MISTAKE!...the ultimate one, no less.

I also realized yesterday that this is one particular scenario of a passing that I've not had before. I've suffered quite &/or fairly sudden deaths before, but at least I've always at least been there, at least in the same house, nearby, or absolutely right THERE. This is something totally new for me. NO chance at ALL to say 'good-bye', or to 'prepare' in even a tiny way for such parting. So now I have a better idea of how THAT feels for others...not that I wanted to know, first-hand.

And yes, Elizabeth, I know my time here is sporadic. In a nutshell, I've been horribly busy with all sorts of things...some of which have had to do with helping animals more en masse, some personal. I've barely had time to breathe, much less help others, even MYSELF. And now I've been handed an even heavier, more challenging task - to grieve some MORE, on top of my still quite alive grief over my daughter; on top of everything else I can't catch up with. It's all too much and it's taking its toll on me.

But to answer your question about this healing work - I actually took a few minutes anyway the other day to do some with little Roarie. It may not have been enough, but one can always hope, and it's all the time I could spare. So yes, I read about her but had no time to reply.

And as for Kitty, oh man....what another horror story...the poor animals have so MANY to tell, it's a disgrace to the human race!!! Poor, poor GIRL!! (I've heard much, much worse, mind you.... ) But since you asked, I'd be happy to tell you how to at least get started with this work, if you're interested. It's called Reconnective Healing ® and if you simply buy Dr. Eric Pearl's book, "The Reconnection", you might, just by reading it, be able to "activate" these frequencies in your own hands, and with practice, use them to do good work on behalf of others and yourself.....if you're ready and open to them and his work (that's pretty key). The other way is to attend his seminars (held across the globe) and actually get trained in them, but that's a much more expensive proposition...although worthwhile, I believe, as there's nothing quite like a group setting/group energy and lectures to add 'punch' to work such as this. You can find more information about his work on his website (as well as just Googling his name for links) at The Reconnection. His book is available from his site as well, although you can also get it on Amazon.

And also, if you're open to it, animal communicators could also help with Kitty's emotional upsets, to a much greater degree than people might realize until they've utilized such services for themselves. Often, simply by allowing the animal to speak and be heard, and tell their story to someone they KNOW is listening and trying to help on this deep level, is sometimes enough by itself to effect remarkable changes and release of stuck emotions for them. Flower essence use, either alone, or as an adjunct, is another method to consider, and many ACers now use them in conjunction with the communicating, they've been seen to be so useful an aid.

I must run now as I'm doing some volunteer work at an animal sanctuary today...there's one large piggie who needs some help! At least it will get me out of the house and away from checking these doors every time I turn around, for someone who won't be showing up....

[Elizabeth A.]

Maylissa~

I only have a minute tonight, so I just want to take it to thank you for all the information, I'll look into it more tomorrow. Thank you very much for sharing, and Roarie is doing better though I hesitate to say so. She has been taking all of her meals for two days and has thought about playing.

[MikeyW]

Dear Maylissa,

I'm very sorry for the terrible loss of dear Maggie. You know I know how it is. It just plain stinks!!! The grief is awful. Sometimes it seems like it won't ever go away. I don't know what to say, other than I'm sorry you're enduring this again. I'll pray for you and Maggie's soul in heaven.

Love,

Mike

[Maylissa]

Elizabeth - so happy to hear better news of little Roarie!

Thank-you, Mike, for your empathy and understanding. It's hard enough grieving over our own fur-family members, which isn't even understood by so many to begin with, much less to be feeling the same kind of pain over someone else's cat....how many people in this stinky world would ever be able to relate to that???

Maggie was my dear friend, and I realize that even had she been human instead, this type of loss would most likely be relegated to one of the other disenfranchised realms of loss....so I've got zero hope of being supported in this except among a few other animal-people.

I just realized today that it was Maggie's mission to ALWAYS, UNFAILINGLY, somehow manage to come for a visit no matter the weather or anything else, and oftentimes an extra-LONG visit, on all of my especially-difficult days, most particularly Angelversaries for Nissa. She and I were obviously quite connected, even IF Nissa whispered in her ears, first! My head is simply reeling at what the heck I'm going to do NOW on those days!! No Maggs to help me cope?!?!? UNTHINKABLE!!

Just as it's always been for any major loss, I keep replaying and replaying my last memories of her....and that beautiful and touching victory and honour she bestowed upon me, to allow me to stroke her repeatedly, scritch her under her chin, kiss her upon her head and neck, pick her up with full permission and no fuss.....I can't believe I've been so suddenly robbed of what I'd waited so long to receive. I can't walk past a door, any door, without thinking I see movement of her there....and then that sickening feeling of realization. I'm in that state of shock where you think it simply MUST, HAS TO BE a huge mistake and that she's not really and truly gone....

So much for my memory problems in the wake of my darling daughter's loss starting to clear up anytime soon, too! I'm in a fog half the time, AGAIN. This bites, it just bites.

I've bought Maggie's family a really wonderful sympathy card and written some tender words in it, plus made a donation in her memory (with notice of that attached) to the no-kill shelter here which we've just been battling to save (looks like at least a reprieve for about another year). Now we just need edit a few, choice pictures of Maggie that we'd taken almost a year and a half ago, during one of her winter-time visits, to include for them. (once they're edited, I can post one or two here as well) At worst, they'll think us weird for doing so; at best, they'll know what an impact she made and that their sorrow is shared. Huh....funny thing is, though...I feel like someone should be giving ME a card, too!

But I'd like to share this card with all of you, too, It says:

We are all creatures

of this great earth ~

interconnected in ways

beyond understanding.

Take elephants.

So big.

So strong.

And yet,

when a member

of the herd passes,

even elephants mourn.

They gather around,

extend their trunks,

and gently touch

the tusks

of their fallen friend.

And it's sad.

And it's beautiful.

So maybe

what we're trying to say

is that the world

doesn't expect you

to be fine with this.

Be how you need to be.

Mourn how you need to mourn.

And know that

you're thought of

with love.

Edited March 20, 2008 by Maylissa

[Elizabeth A.]

That card is perfect. Just right. I know what you mean about the card thing. I would totally send you an e-card, but I know not everyone likes those. How about an Internet hug instead {{{{Maylissa}}}} Yeah I know, not so much the same.

I have felt trapped by my mourning. Sunny's and Tiny's, mother a petite feral, that would never allow anyone to get near her, was struck by a car in Jan. I mourn her death. She gave me my most precious babies. She wasn't to keen on my "stealing" Sunny, but he had to have medical treatment (he had a ruptured optical lens at just 3 weeks old) The vet told me of at least 5 ways he could have died. Tiny on the other hand, she gave to me freely. Leaving the newborn Tiny on my driveway for me to find. (we did monitor (by Tiny's little crying screams) until we were sure mama wasn't coming back) and after two hours I couldn't take it anymore. Her life was worth something. If only because she gave me the greatest gifts of all. No I didn't pet her or cuddle her, but my gifts are very special and precious to me.

Your gift is at least amazing as mine. For Maggie gave you LOVE. Her love and no one can put a price on that. Something tells me she didn't give it to the neighbor's son... But that is beside the point. It's awful that you didn't get to say goodbye. I feel that too. I would have loved another chance to thank mama cat for her gifts to me. I had thanked her from time to time, but she was aloof and would blow me off in a what was clearly cat distain for human emotions. Lucky for me her offspring don't feel the same.

Okay enough is enough, time to sleep, if only to awaken tomorrow and bury myself in being busy. Take care {{Maylissa}}

[MikeyW]

Dear Maylissa,

What a very meaningful poem! I once read that writing helps to heal, so that's why I wrote "Is It Better To Have Loved And Lost?" No, lots of times I don't feel healed.

I do have a possible suggestion to help. Randolph #2, although a girl, is almost the spitting image of Randolph #1,who was a boy. The fact that they look alike has greatly eased my grief over Randolph #1. It's still there, but not nearly as bad as for the other cats. There are behavior differences, but it's been a tremendous help. So, I was thinking that you may want to get a Maggie look alike and name him or her Maggie to help with the grief.

Also, we met some people and went to their house a couple of weeks ago for dinner. Turns out they have a cat that greatly resembles Pumpkin. Needless to say, guess who I hung out with much of the time. I had her on my lap a bit, and she is very sweet. Her name is Annie, but I whispered the name "Pumpkin" when I spoke to her. We do what we can to survive and ease the pain.

-Mike

[Maylissa]

Hi Elizabeth & Mike,

Sorry it's taken me a few days....lots going on so I have to squeeze in time to reply when I can.

Thanks so much for the hugs, Elizabeth...I'll TAKE them!! I'm one who doesn't mind ecards - they're far better than no cards at all, even if it's always nicer to have a real, paper card one can keep and pull out every now and again. (some of those ecards can't be retrieved after a certain amount of time) And of course, it's always nicer to know that those who already have your physical mailing address actually took the time to go out and physically find a card for you because you're worth some of their precious time....not that finding good, (still free) ecards is a piece of cake anymore, mind you!

I'm so sorry to hear about your kidlets' mom. It's so very hard for the feral cats, especially the females who invariably end up pregnant and desperately trying to find enough food for both their own needs and their offspring's. It becomes a never-ending cycle of strife for them. Too bad she couldn't have at least gotten trapped, spayed and released again. I'm not surprised, though, if she did indeed end up leaving Tiny for you to take care of instead. And even if she'd just been out hunting and just hadn't returned yet, at least it was one less burden for her to carry, at least for awhile (if she got pregnant again soon thereafter). And thank goodness you were there and willing to get Sunny the medical aid he needed.

I know of a similar situation (only one of TONS) close by here, where the young mother cat was actually totally blind (born w/o any eyes..ugh...one can only imagine what she went through!), yet trying desperately to take care of her kittens. She was found living under a portable school trailer and the children were trying to help feed her. The principle wanted to "get rid of" the feline family (nice values to teach those kids ) so our no-kill shelter was called. They were able to easily trap the mom, seeing as she couldn't see them coming, as well as her kittens. All were spayed and neutered and the mother has a loving home with folks who don't care about her blindness....thank God.

You can still thank Sunny and Tiny's mom....in your heart....and trust that she'll receive your emotional message to her. We are all connected in fields of energy, so even physical death can't stop messages from getting through. Did you know that energetic heart waves aren't limited by space at all? They just keep going, outward, into the infinite field (of which everything really consists of), with conceivably nothing to stop them. This has been scientifically demonstrated. So, she'll know and likely even understand completely now all that you've done for her kidlets and how you really thought about her, too. It's not too late to thank her and it will likely even continue to help her, in whatever she's now doing in her post-death life.

As for me, I'm still feeling shocky...picking up crumbs and the like off the floors, as if Maggie's still going to come around, with me not wanting her to eat who-knows-what off the floor; looking at Nissa's litterbox, never put away because occasionally either Maggie or Niggsi (who's actually been kept indoors for the last few months...they finally got more vigilant about my suggestion...so I never see her anymore - she's another neighbour's cat) sometimes used them when visiting; still being at the ready to run and open the door for her; trying to see her in the neighbour's windows; hearing the weather forecast and thinking things like "Oh yuck...Maggie won't like that temperature!"....and on and on it goes throughout each day.

I'd even asked Niggsi's 'mom' the other week if she (Niggsi) and I could possibly have a play-date once in awhile. It's abundantly clear that her 'mom' isn't going for this, though. Poor Niggsi, and now poor me, too! At the time, I'd been feeling so badly for Niggsi, seeing her in their window as I'd pass by, straining to get outside, knowing full well no one in her family ever really played with her, either. What I'd suggested was that she have supervision whenever she was outside....NOT that they never, ever allow her out again. But since they don't "DO" supervision (or playtime), that poor girl's just stuck inside with nothing and no one to keep her occupied and happy (she had no toys at all until I bought her some). So I mainly feel for her plight...but now, man-oh-man, I, too, could really use some of her wild and crazy ways to relieve a little of this stress and grief, at least once in awhile!

And that brings me to your suggestion, Mike. I've said here before (in the past) that I can't bring myself to adopt anyone else yet, and that remains true for me to this day...despite Maggie's sudden departure from my life. I may not be giving someone who needs it a forever home (yes, the guilt comes up over that), but I'm working through my grief by still giving to the animal community at large (not limited to just cats, either) and that's the way it has to stay for me for whatever undetermined amount of time. That's why both Maggie's and Niggsi's friendships served me so very well. I didn't have to throw myself into full caregiver/mommy mode, which still puts me in a total panic when I think of it. I'm still far too raw from the whole ordeal with my own kids, plus I'm needing to build my practice up so I will then have a bit more balance in my life to fall back on WHEN loss strikes again. Hopefully, too, I'll be able to slowly acquire more of a network of like-minded people to act as support in the future....if I'm lucky. It's a holistic/'wholistic' plan for myself which is hard to live with so far, yet one I feel is necessary to my future survival. We also have major renovations to do at home, when we're ready (it's been off-again so far) and I don't wish to subject a fur-child to all that upheaval, cuz it's bad enough for us humans to get through!

So just as Annie's presence and company helped you, my dear, sweet feline girlfriends helped me....but I never, ever stopped saying that all I wanted for now was to be "just friends." The intimacy and total soul-bonding that I experienced and shared with my own kidlets remains so luminous, far-reaching and massive in my head and heart that I can't even imagine settling for anything less with anyone else...not on a full-time, totally-committed basis anyway. People can call me what they will, judge me however they like...but I KNOW myself and my general processing capability and so I have to honour that, above all else....and I'm just nowhere near ready again. And perhaps I never will be. I may even change my mind about wanting my own kidlets to reincarnate back to me...who really knows? But I'll keep serving other people's animals, and those who are homeless, just in alternate ways. And that will just have to be "good enough".

I'm also still having to sit on that card, and the pictures we printed out that we'd taken of Maggie, way back, to give to her family, since at last check, it still looked like her 'dad' wasn't home from his trip yet. We printed a couple of favourite ones out for me, too, while we were at it. I just stare at them, as if doing so long and hard enough will make Maggie re-materialize outside my door...**sigh**. All I can say is: NOTHING BAD better happen to Niggsi, too, even if I can't see her here anymore, because I think I'd lose my freaking mind!

[Elizabeth A.]

Dear Maylissa~ I hope the sniffles and other cold/flu yucks have left you. Please allow me to applogize for not giving your post my full attention. I read it the other day, but have found myself dealing with some inner struggles, and of course I was distracted away and completely forgot to reply.

I know and understand not being ready for a furry friend. When the time is right, if ever a little love will find you, until then clearly you will be sent all forms of "friends".

Sunny and Tiny's mother was a good cat, I would have loved to have taken her in to be spayed, but for a long list of reasons that never happened. Maybe we did take Tiny from the driveway to soon, but it is very difficult to listen to a kitten cry and root around for two hours, the entire time Tiny was crying her moma was less than 10 feet away in the crawl space under my home. I was in the house TRYING to read, and my husband was working on the nursery. By the time that I couldn't stand the crying anymore and we went to check on her, Tiny had rooted her way 6 or 7 feet in the WRONG direction, which had her inches from the edge of the road. I have since learned that 24 hours has somehow been determined to be the "correct" amount of time to wait. I myself feel that waiting that long would have lead to Tiny's death even if it was caused by a car driving past. (One of my neighbors likes to drive to the dead end of our street very fast). This doesn't mention that when I picked her up she was cold like ice. Even though it was a warm March day (did I mention her 3rd birthday was on the 13th of this month?) the driveway was shaded and the concrete had sucked all the warmth out of her oh so small body. It in fact took me several minutes to warm her with my skin and towels, before I was willing to run to the store for formula (KMR) I couldn't ask for a better cat than Tiny. She is a proud member of the "gray cats" of which your Nissa belonged. Very smart, this morning she couldn't get over how good my hair smelled and kept trying to love on it and play in it. Their mother, where this paragraph started was hit by a car and was buried by one of my neighbors. Her death has allowed me to acknowledge in my heart and aloud how giving she was, which I was never able to do during her life. She was a mom, pure and simple, I don't mean that by "had offspring therefore mom" rather from the giving of ones self, love. Her love wasn't directly felt by humans, but the ripples of her legacy will forever be a part of me. So now I'm tearing up. Isn't that the way?

I am adding a photo of my little darling, which I may have posted elsewhere in my travels, but her beauty bears posting again.

[Maylissa]

Yes, thanks, Elizabeth, the cold disappeared quite quickly as I was battling it coming on with wild Oil of Oregano every day - a great product all-round.

Well, I can see why you snatched Tiny up when you did, in order to save her from a very uncertain future. It actually sounds like her mom possibly didn't have the means &/or strength left to care for her properly, so you likely helped them BOTH survive for much longer than they might have otherwise. I don't think it's normal behaviour for a mother cat to leave her offspring out in the middle of nowhere, especially when they're right there to retrieve them back to a safer spot. So maybe her mom really DID want you to take over after all. We've all heard of even human mothers leaving their newborns somewhere, hoping they'll be taken in by someone more able to provide for them, too. Once again, we're often more similar to other beings than not, either which way.I'm also so thankful to hear that at least someone buried her properly. That's only right.

And Tiny IS very beautiful, indeed! (no, I don't recall seeing her pic before) And of course I hold a not-so-secret joy in also knowing she's part of the Clan of MacGrey, too! "There's no true cat like a grey cat," as Maude Montgomery said in her "Anne of Green Gables" series. I'm also happy to see Tiny's exercising her rights to her own computer time.

As for me, firstly, it snowed again here overnight, and as my husband shoveled the front drive this morning, I was struck by yet another 'trigger'....that being how truly grateful I'd been to still have to shovel out back to make a clear path for at least Maggie, still...and now the snow can simply lay as is......it's heart-wrenching. Another small cat-task taken away from me. It's just so painful, with each trigger that arises.

I also have been suffering from the horrid news I heard when I finally dropped off my card and photos to Maggie's family. I can barely speak of it, but suffice it to say that she met her end somewhere on the drive to or from the airport in order to drop off her 'dad' for his vacation! I was appalled and flabbergasted, to say the least and can't EVER imagine not canceling vacation plans if a family member was in the midst of DYING!!! I'D thought he was already gone when she went into pulmonary distress/edema, but I was sadly mistaken.

I'd felt so badly for her as it was, but THIS....only makes it that much harder. I mean, can you IMAGINE how she must have felt???? How much more abandoned can you get? Meanwhile, I know of another couple here whose dachshund needed emergency surgery right before their honeymoon, so they rightly canceled their plans and spent the thousands of dollars necessary to save their girl and stay with her instead....not ANY question in their minds about what the right thing to do was. And they still haven't managed to go on a honeymoon....but they don't CARE. Having their girl safe and taken care of is much more important to them.

But poor, poor Maggie....she so obviously wasn't thought of in the same light and now I can't help, but even MORE so, thinking that she might have been able to have been saved from dying in the first place, given more concern and commitment from her 'family.' So I also highly doubt that they even began to understand that card, nor what I'd added to it myself. I'm sure I've just been pegged to that long list around here as being that "weird woman who cares about animals TOO MUCH."

All week I've also had to deal with unplanned participation in trying to save the masses of cats who are being rounded up and killed in Beijing's bid to 'clean up' its streets and even private homes (!!) in preparation of the '08 Olympics, plus all the other unimaginable yet true torture they put dogs, cats and other animals through....it's horrific beyond description, yet I read the descriptions/reports anyway, refusing to remain blissfully ignorant as most people prefer to do. I'm also boycotting all of the Olympic's sponsors...and the list is LONG. Plus, I responded to a recent mailer for a church, of all things, that supports and "respects" cruel rodeo events. I'm so disgusted with the human race everywhere I look, on both a more personal and most certainly a global perspective.

So what I then found out about Maggie's ending just about killed me. I also now know that the last day I had to 'kick her out' so swiftly....was her very last day. You can't imagine how sorry I feel now, for not taking even a few more minutes to explain this unprecedented action by me, to her. I'd only ever had to make her leave early ONCE before, when I was late for an appointment, and even so, she'd already been relaxing indoors here for over an hour. So, firstly her 'auntie' 'rejects' her visit, and later that day her 'dad' is going away, and then she gets 'killed' AS HE'S GOING AWAY!! That is no respectful, dignified end, much less a LOVING end, for ANYONE. Now that I know the truth about what happened, it's no wonder the son had blithely said to me, "Well, I guess it's all for the best, though..." That was shocking enough to hear from one of the family members themselves, but WHOSE best, I have to wonder???? I'm just sick about it...just sick to my stomach...

Edited March 30, 2008 by Maylissa

[Elizabeth A.]

Oh yes, Tiny demands her own time as you can clearly see she thinks I should pet and groom her above all else. All three of my kitties are like that, the harder I'm working the more I must require their help.

I'm glad to hear you're illness has past, luckily for me I haven't been plagued lately, though everytime I look at my open windows I think about what MikeyW said about keeping the window cracked when I wasn't feeling well sometime ago. Not sure that would work for you though, being up there in the frozen tundra. Trust me I know about snow, I lived in the very northerly US years ago. The snow falls in September and doesn't melt till May, just long enough to start all over again. Not the same here in FL.

I'm sorry to hear you've been so "covered up" in all sense of the words. How shall I say? Only you can do what you do. I haven't been able to "find" sleep at my regular bedtime, and between that and my current issues with the sewing machine that never arrived, I'm feeling rather beat myself.

That's just terriable about Maggie. But you said yourself you had contact with her, and assured her in her time of need. I'm sure she did not hold your last encounter in her mind. Crazy people who love animals to much, what a joke. Last time I checked animals devote their entire lives (I had a typo there that said entire loves, but that works too!) to who? They devote themselves to US! Don't they deserve the very same in return? Hmmph! So phoey on anyone else. Tiny runs my house, why because it suits her and all of the rest of us. If she didn't we'd still love her. She could laze around all day and she'd still be our precious girl, and you know how I feel about my orange ball of fluff, Sunny! I can't wrap my mind around life without him. So move over in that crazy people who love animals to much boat, my husband, daughter and I are going to join you. So there. I wouldn't have it any other way.