Re-creating The "self"

[Mrcelloboy]

It sure feels like crap at times, trying to make sense of who I am now.

There are, what feel like, rare moments of clarity. Moments where I actually seem to be having a decent time all by myself. Maybe I'm actually enjoying more than I think, and it's just a self-awareness than makes the unpleasant times seem larger.

Today I attended Easter services with my late fiancee's son and mother. The theme of rebirth was a bit hard to listen to. Kathy's gone and not returning.

I grab extra naps, more often than I think I need, hoping that I'll wake up from one and feel like I've really turned a corner. I know that I really need to pick myself up and move myself into my new future, but I'm having a heck of a time feeling like I'm really on the bus.

Maury

[karenb]

Maury....Maybe don't try to make sense of anything just yet, if it doesn't feel comfortable. I'm glad that you attended Easter services. Sometimes those things that we do just imprint themselves in our minds and they'll come out here or there....the nessages we receive, if they're God-given, will come back to help us somewhere. Just remember the good things...try and put those bad memories on the back burner. You'll be fine...you'll be okay.

Your friend, Karen

[shell]

Maury,

I know exactly how you feel. I'll be going along fine, with my "new self" as you so aptly put it, and then out of nowhere I feel lost and like a stranger to myself. It comes and goes, but I just forge ahead and remind myself that I am not the person I used to be. I have a good friend who is always praising me on how well I've handled the tough changes, and that has meant the world to me. So, I'm going to pass on the favor and tell you the same thing, that you have handled it well so far and will continue to and good for you! It's normal to wonder who you are at this point, but the new you will get to be a more comfortable friend as time goes by. Hang in there.

Big hugs,

Shell

[Mrcelloboy]

Thank you both.

Over the weekend two different people told me I looked really good. I was reminded of Billy Crystal, in charachter on Saturday Night, live telling people it's much more important to look good than to feel good. It made me laugh.

[DoubleJo]

I find what is said here to be very interesting, because I too get these feelings, which was described so well by everyone.

Perhaps we never had to question ourselves as much before. We sort of took "ourselves" for granted. It is confusing to define ourselves when our familiar walls are gone. We've been questioning what we had, where it went, and how do I fit into this new ,foreign situation (after all, we didn't learn and practice "death" in school). On top of this we ARE changing, a lot. All this stuff we face constantly in so many little and big ways is turning us into someone different. We think differently, feel differently about things, and some of those differences are ways we never reacted before.

And we keep changing quickly because we have to. It is surreal.

I believe Maury has hit on it. We've all become extra overly-aware. It may not make the unpleasant times larger, but we dwell on how we think we should feel UNDER THESE CIRCUMSTANCES. That has become our yardstick. lts' actually possible to ignore the good time we're having, however momentarily. Your letters here have given me an anwer. I'm going to try to not measure everything against THESE CIRCUMSTANCES. I will let events fall properly where they may in this proper time for them of the now, which may have no connection to the was at all. Afterall, there's a reason its' called the past, and today will be the past tomorrow.

Thank you all, for putting this problem clearly out there.

Take Care- DoubleJo

Karens' point is well taken. We need to replace the old thoughs/behaviours with better ones, and over time they will become like second nature, inside to draw upon without even thinking.