Lost My Dad 3 Weeks Ago And Blaming Myself

[MariahC]

Hi, I'm new to hovforum.

I lost my father 3 weeks ago. He was 67. Two years ago he'd been diagnosed with CLL and a type of non-Hodgkins lymphoma which mainly affected his skin, blood and lymph nodes. His skin became cracked, itchy and flaky requiring him to apply emollient creams all over his body every day. In early 2007 his skin did improve following treatment, so much so that he didn't need to apply the creams so often.

However, one day in mid 2007 he became dizzy and fell down at home. His blood cell count had been depleted by the CLL, causing the fainting. He was given blood transfusions and steroids and was discharged from hospital the following month, but was re-admitted in late August 2007. The steroids had made his face swell badly.

He was discharged in September, but was re-admitted and sent to the High Dependency Unit (HDU) end of October with an infection and Sepsis. He was then transferred to a specialist hospital and discharged mid December. We were looking forward to having him home for Christmas, but a couple of days before that he became ill again. He complained of a headache - on checking on him I found him lying face down in his room unable to get up. He'd cut his head. Again he was taken into hospital suffering with an infection. My brother and I stayed there with him until 5am Christmas Eve when he was allocated a room. We also spent Christmas day with him at the hospital.

He remained in the hospital from then on. He started to get thin and was unable to walk, so after work I was taking him porridge and soups every afternoon until they started feeding him by tube. We continued to visit him every day after work, sometimes twice a day (on weekends). The hospital gave him a treatment, but over time it seemed to worsen his condition. He started getting diarrhoea.

One day in late February '08 (while at work) my elder brother (who at 34 - is five years my senior) and I were called by the hospital who asked us to come straight away. We were told that they didn't think he would pull through as he had contracted so many infections. He was hooked up to an ECG and was being given oxygen and morphine. We stayed at the hospital day and night for 6 days until the morning he passed away.

His funeral was nearly two weeks ago. I still can't believe he's gone. I'm not coping well at all and am crying every day. My brother and I were very close to our dad as he raised us pretty much on his own as our mother has mental health problems. One minute I think we're going to get through this then I think about all the difficult times, especially the last 4-6 weeks and I break down. I also can't help blaming myself. I wonder if I could have done more or prevented this somehow. My brother is finding it difficult too, but is coping better than I am. Does it get easier?

Edited June 30, 2008 by MariahC

[leeann]

(((((((((((Mariah)))))))))))

I'm so sorry for your loss. Three weeks isn't too long and I'm not surprised you are crying everyday... I kinda think that is normal. I have learned losing someone I love and that loved me well IS a hard thing and I will probably have a hard time for a bit. But I also learned that there is nothing wrong with that. It's natural.. a process that takes time.

And you have had precious little time since he passed.

I do not think that there was anything more you could have done. You and your brother.. God Bless you! You were so very faithful in being there for him! What strength and.. what Love you gave to him! That is something that you really gave as a gift... you gave yourself.. your time... your love. Really.. what more does someone need? You gave it all. So I think you are safe to stop any blame of yourself. I would urge you to let that go.

I know that might be hard to do... but I bet.. if you polled us all... we would say we ALL have felt that somewhat too. No matter HOW much we did before they passed. So I think the feeling of "should I have", "could I have", "what if I had" __________(fill in the blank) is kinda of a normal feeling and thought. I think it is just part of the grieving process. I felt that for a bit as many of us probably have.. but.. I knew.. realistically?? No there really wasn't anything else I could have done. So it's a normal feeling I had.. but I felt it.. thought about it some and then let that thought go.. cuz I kinda knew it wasn't true.

Try to think about how much you & your brother were there for him... focus on how much of yourselves you gave to him. If things had been reversed.... wouldn't you have felt blessed to have two kids so caring, loving and devoted?

I was grateful to be there for my Dad when he passed. No matter the miles I put on the car everyday running back & forth.. no matter how many hours I spent there.. no matter the exhaustion and running around... I would do it all again. And I'm grateful I was able to be there and have that time with him. And I think he was too.

My Mom passed very suddenly.. I spoke to her about and hour and a half before she passed and she was fine. But I didn't find her til 48 hrs later. So I didn't have any time with her like I had with my Dad. It was a quick passing for her and she didn't suffer like my Dad had to. So I try to look at that as a blessing.

You will most definitely get through this... I can say that.. because I have now experienced several significant losses and... I'm still here. I have felt awful and raw with each one for a time.. I think we all do. But little by little & in time... the pain gets a bit less intense.

"Breaking down"?? Normal.. and healthy in my opinion. Think about it Mariah.. what you went through was months and months of stress, anxiety, sadness and yes.... trauma. ANYone needs to recover from that and tears are therapeutic and help to heal us. So I try to let my tears rip and not judge them. I try to keep in mind.. there is no timetable and I won't "get over it" but I will learn to live without them physically here anymore... in time.

I would urge you to keep stopping by here and sharing with us.. This forum has helped me very much and others here have said the same.

So, Welcome! Sorry you have had to join us but glad you found us.

And yes.... by ALL means.. it does it get easier in time.

leeann

[shell]

Mariah,

Welcome to the board. I'm so sorry for your loss. We all have that horrible, "What if I had done this or that?" feeling. From what you've said, you have no reason to feel guilty. You did all you could. I think when we are so involved with our loved ones illnesses, we have to make a lot of decisions and do many, many things to help them. When the time comes that they pass on, we just can't believe it was beyond our control. I realized that was part of what I was feeling. We go through so many "rough spots" and things get ok again, that we can't believe there was something we couldn't "get past" again. But, unfortunately, there is that point beyond our help. The only thing that comforts me is to know that my parents aren't suffering or in pain anymore. As much as I wanted them to be with me forever, I wouldn't want them to be here again in the same condition they were. I can at least be grateful they are now at peace and hopefully happy and well.

Hang in there, things do get better, but it takes awhile, so be prepared to have to grieve for awhile. Just take it one day at a time, something most of us on the board have found we had to do.

Hugs to you and your brother,

Shell

[MariahC]

leeann and shell thank you so much for your replies. It's comforting to know that the feelings and emotions my brother and I are experiencing are normal.

"I was grateful to be there for my Dad when he passed. No matter the miles I put on the car everyday running back & forth.. no matter how many hours I spent there.. no matter the exhaustion and running around... I would do it all again."

I know we did a lot to help our dad - visiting him everyday, preparing his medications, bathing him, helping him apply his creams, preparing and bringing him food, taking time off work to accompany him to his hospital appointments... I didn't mind doing it and I agree with you leeann, in that I would it all again. I think when we're grieving we can easily dismiss the things we did do and somehow become consumed by feelings of "could/should I have done more", "what if I...". I now remember one of the occasions when my dad was admitted to hospital and the Doctor said that my dad was very lucky to have two such caring children. Except in my grief, I didn't recall all of that I was (and in a way still am) just hellbent on beating myself up. I still wonder if things could/would have been different, but I'm starting to realise that negative thoughts only prolong and increase the pain we feel.

"When the time comes that they pass on, we just can't believe it was beyond our control".

shell, you're right about that. The not being able to control what happened has been very difficult to accept. I don't think I've fully accepted it yet.

I am grateful that we were there when dad passed away. The hospital had let us stay so we were sleeping on chairs in his room for 6 days - only going home for a couple of hours each morning for a shower and a change of clothes. He liked us being there with him and I'm glad we were there - even though it was very difficult and traumatic.

Think about it Mariah.. what you went through was months and months of stress, anxiety, sadness and yes.... trauma. ANYone needs to recover from that and tears are therapeutic and help to heal us.

The tears are now mainly coming at night time. I cry for him and all he went through. Seeing him anxious, in discomfort and pain. What happened was so cruel. I feel completely destroyed. Dad was so important, as he was there during all of the most important times in mine and my brother's lives. It really hurts to know that he won't be there for any more. I'm going to try very hard to get through this - though I know that I will never be the same again.

[shell]

Mariah,

You are right, you will never be the same again. As many of have taked about here, you have a different life now and a different self. It's accepting this and "building" from there that will help you heal. I can't stress enough how long it takes to get to certain points, and I only say this to reinforce that people shouldn't feel worried that it has been "this long (as in weeks or months)" and I'm not better. It will take a long time to heal, so be patient with yourself and know that there is hope down the road that life will be bearable again. I think you will get through it because of what I've read from you, you have an inner strength that will help you. Hang in there.

Hugs,

Shell

[leeann]

When I look back at my life before I experienced my first significant loss, I seem to be looking at someone else. I have changed so very much since then.

With each painful passing I have learned so much. I realize now how that learning has helped me to become a better human, who can love better having lost some I loved very much.

It took deaths for me to really learn about life.

"Pain makes gain", in this instance for me, was not only hokey.. but true.

I've learned pain can be a very valuable tool for life and if I keep my heart and soul open to the opportunities presented by it, for inner growth.

Still.. there are days.. when I don't wanna learn anymore. And that's ok.. We all get tired and weary - inside and out. But I figure I'm doing ok if, after a respite, I keep looking for the gifts the pain can give.

I have faith in the old adage that 'when the student is ready, the lesson appears.'

I don't think I could get up in the morning if I didn't believe that something good can come from something so painful.

So no.. I'm no where near the same person I was before my first significant loss. But I have hope that I am a better person than I was. The pain has a value....

Today.. my Dad is gone 6 years. Hardly seems that.. but I know... he isn't far away.

leeann

[shell]

leeann,

I couldn't agree with you more. I feel the same way about learning from the pain and becoming a better person. We have to make the best of grief, as strange as that sounds, and you are doing that. I think you are doing great!

Hugs,

Shell

[MariahC]

When I look back at my life before I experienced my first significant loss, I seem to be looking at someone else. I have changed so very much since then.

With each painful passing I have learned so much. I realize now how that learning has helped me to become a better human, who can love better having lost some I loved very much.

It took deaths for me to really learn about life.

Although the loss of my father is recent, I can identify with being someone else before it happened - compared to the person I am now. I keep remembering things/events and I find myself frantically searching to see what date it was. To look back at a time when I was able to live and find a way to be happy no matter how difficult things had become with dad's illness and my mother's problems.

I don't think I could get up in the morning if I didn't believe that something good can come from something so painful.

So no.. I'm no where near the same person I was before my first significant loss. But I have hope that I am a better person than I was. The pain has a value....

Today.. my Dad is gone 6 years. Hardly seems that.. but I know... he isn't far away.

leeann

I've had a really bad couple of days at work. I don't know what I was expecting really. Last week I was at home, as the office had closed for Easter. Yesterday and today I've noticed that my colleagues have been treating me as if I'm invisible. Talking to each other but not acknowledging me. Even colleagues that I usually get on well with are reluctant to talk to me. I wanted to talk about work and other things - everything but the bereavement. I'm in an office with more than a dozen people - yet I feel so alone. I think at times like this a bereaved person needs normal conversation - not people avoiding or ignoring you. I guess people feel awkward and are worried about causing (further) upset.

The thing I've found with bereavement is that you can feel an emotion, cry and then think you're past it to have it come back again and again. The guilt has come back a bit today. I keep thinking what if I'd had my dad referred to another hospital, why wasn't he having this treatment or that treatment... I wish I could get past thinking like that. I also don't want to laugh or enjoy myself as I think that I must be miserable and the guilt makes me think that I must be punished. My brother is different he's able to do things he was doing before all this, like read books (fiction), go out (he went to a party last Friday night) and laugh when on the phone. I can't do any of these things or any of the things I usually enjoyed doing before.

The happy memories I have of my dad have been clouded out by memories of the last week at the hospital. These memories are very strong. I realise now that I was in a deep shock in the days after his passing, but we had so many things to organise and sort out that I never had time to think about what this all means. Now I am thinking about it and it's threatening to destroy me. As each day passes I seem to be feeling worse. There's this emptiness and the realisation that everything that used to be familiar to me is now so different. I recognise the streets, cars, people, trees etc. but at the same time everything looks so different. I want to go back to living again, but I can't.

[leeann]

Mariah,

I so understand the distance people seem to give others who are mourning and I think you are right.. some may avoid us because they are afraid of saying the wrong thing or afraid of upsetting us further. But if you feel like you are up for conversations about work and other things.. I would just be forthright and tell them that. Let them know you are fine and it would actually be helpful to you if they would talk to you about work things and things other than bereavement or grief. And perhaps they might just whisper a sigh of relief and include you once again. Don't be surprised though if you have to start the first couple conversations.

The thing I've found with bereavement is that you can feel an emotion, cry and then think you're past it to have it come back again and again.

Yes I have found this too. So I learned to not be so surprised by it coming back and just express the emotions as they come up. I beleive it is a "process"... not a one time: "Ok, I felt that and thought that and cried about it so it should be over" type thing.

Yes some of the thoughts like: "Maybe I could/should/would have done________(fill in the blank) may come back for a bit.. but I found the best way for me to get rid of those kind of thoughts was simply to reassure myself that it was "their" time and I did in fact do everything I could for them. And also I thought...ultimately??? I'm not in charge.... my faith tells me Someone else is.

And I was able in a short time to let go of that kind of thinking. You will get past thoughts like that. Just give yourself some time.... don't worry it is all part of it.

As for your brother... we all grieve in our own way and express that grief differently. It looks like he is able to laugh and do things he used to and you feel not ready for that yet. But I assure you.. he is still hurting too but he is doing what works for him. And you will do what works for you.

He is just beginning to live his life without Dad in his own way.

And you are too. You went back to work. And you will laugh again and be able to read and do other things you enjoy. Initially I couldn't do those things either. And don't forget.. this is still real recent for you. After awhile though I felt I needed to do

other things - everything but the bereavement.

I'll tell ya a story...

Two weeks after we buried my Dad it was opening day for Little League baseball and softball here. Our son had a game that day. We had spent the weekend before with Mom as, unbelievably, it was her birthday. So I asked her if she would like to come up to our house the following week for Opening Day and she said "Sure." Of course I had been back & forth during the week to help her with "Thank You's" etc. So she really hadn't spent too much time alone yet and I guess she felt comfortable coming up here for the day. She attended our son's game. Our daughter.. who was 6 at the time got a bit bored during her brother's game and asked if Gram would like to play catch with her & her softball. Mom said of course and she & our daughter went a bit a ways down the big field to do this.

By complete chance.. there happened to be a photographer there from the local paper. And wouldn't you know he took pics of Mom and our daughter having a catch. When he asked for Mom's name and our daughter's name she came back to me at the bleachers and told me about the pics. She said, "With a wry smile.. "Oh great.. I'll be in the paper (same one who ran my Dad's obit) as 'The Merry Widow'." Well we all laughed and I told her.. nothing wrong with a Gram having some quality time with her grandaughter... especially after such a rough time for all of us. And she just smiled and shrugged saying.. I guess you're right. Then we all had a real good laugh... probably the first real good laugh we had after the funeral, and went to give the photographer the names.

(BTW.. I wouldn't be the least bit surprised that my Dad somehow 'arranged' this from "there". He often had that tell tale twinkle in his eye if you know what I mean... lol)

We may all feel we need "permission" of sorts to go ahead and resume what gives us pleasure in life. And maybe that day.. I kinda gave Mom some permission. And today.. I'm telling you ....whenever you are ready... it's ok to laugh.. pick up a book... go to a movie.. a party or whathaveyou.

We all do these things at our own pace. So try not to compare yourself to others.

I also found it helped me to think about what would those I have lost want me to do?? And I never was able to honestly say to myself that they would want me to be miserable. So.. I try.. not to be but I also know I must express my grief in a healthy way.. cuz I know they would want that too.

The awful memories of the last few days of his life.. yup sometimes those images are pretty stubborn. But believe me.. it is temporary. You will indeed be able to recall the happy times with ease and later on.. I found the tougher moments become harder to recall. So hold on.. better days are coming.

leeann

[MartyT]

What a wonderful, heartwarming story, Leeann! Thank you

[MariahC]

Mariah,

I so understand the distance people seem to give others who are mourning and I think you are right.. some may avoid us because they are afraid of saying the wrong thing or afraid of upsetting us further. But if you feel like you are up for conversations about work and other things.. I would just be forthright and tell them that. Let them know you are fine and it would actually be helpful to you if they would talk to you about work things and things other than bereavement or grief. And perhaps they might just whisper a sigh of relief and include you once again. Don't be surprised though if you have to start the first couple conversations.

Surprisingly, two of my colleagues started speaking to me today. One took me for a coffee and we spoke about work and also how I was getting on. My colleague had been through a bereavement of someone close to him too. It was good to talk. My other colleague said that he'd avoided speaking to me on Monday and Tuesday because he could see that I was really stressed.

Yes I have found this too. So I learned to not be so surprised by it coming back and just express the emotions as they come up. I beleive it is a "process"... not a one time: "Ok, I felt that and thought that and cried about it so it should be over" type thing.

Yes some of the thoughts like: "Maybe I could/should/would have done________(fill in the blank) may come back for a bit.. but I found the best way for me to get rid of those kind of thoughts was simply to reassure myself that it was "their" time and I did in fact do everything I could for them. And also I thought...ultimately??? I'm not in charge.... my faith tells me Someone else is.

And I was able in a short time to let go of that kind of thinking. You will get past thoughts like that. Just give yourself some time.... don't worry it is all part of it.

What you've said makes a lot of sense. In a way, I know we did try really hard. Dad was losing a lot of weight so I was coming home from work, making him food before going back to the hospital which involved an extra two hours of travelling each day. I remember feeling desperate at times and that we had no control over what was happening. I felt so helpless and anxious each time they discharged him as I knew it wouldn't be long before he'd fall ill again. At the moment, the guilt isn't so strong - maybe because of your posts and because I spoke to three people today who also helped somewhat.

As for your brother... we all grieve in our own way and express that grief differently. It looks like he is able to laugh and do things he used to and you feel not ready for that yet. But I assure you.. he is still hurting too but he is doing what works for him. And you will do what works for you.

He is just beginning to live his life without Dad in his own way.

You're very right. He is still struggling inside but he is trying to get by in a way that works for him. He feels the pain too. I am not ready to get back to doing the things I used to do yet. A friend of mine today tried to get me involved in things. She said that my life had been on hold and that I should start doing some of the things I had put off. I'm not ready to resume them yet, but I do plan to do something positive like join a gym and actually go.

And you are too. You went back to work. And you will laugh again and be able to read and do other things you enjoy. Initially I couldn't do those things either. And don't forget.. this is still real recent for you. After awhile though I felt I needed to do

I'm hoping I'll get back to doing the things I used to do and that I'll be able to laugh from the heart again. I wish these things for my brother too.

Thank you so much for sharing your story. It was indeed extremely heartwarming.

We may all feel we need "permission" of sorts to go ahead and resume what gives us pleasure in life. And maybe that day.. I kinda gave Mom some permission. And today.. I'm telling you ....whenever you are ready... it's ok to laugh.. pick up a book... go to a movie.. a party or whathaveyou.

We all do these things at our own pace. So try not to compare yourself to others.

Hopefully, in time this will come and without any guilt attached. Here's hoping.

I also found it helped me to think about what would those I have lost want me to do?? And I never was able to honestly say to myself that they would want me to be miserable. So.. I try.. not to be but I also know I must express my grief in a healthy way.. cuz I know they would want that too.

You're right. Our loved ones wouldn't want us to be miserable. Though, I guess that feeling will be around for a while.

The awful memories of the last few days of his life.. yup sometimes those images are pretty stubborn. But believe me.. it is temporary. You will indeed be able to recall the happy times with ease and later on.. I found the tougher moments become harder to recall. So hold on.. better days are coming.

leeann

Thank you for sharing your insight. Your posts have been helping me (and I imagine others also reading them) a lot.

[MariahC]

I went to see my doctor yesterday morning as I'd been struggling with pains in my back and shoulder blade for the last week - I guess caused by stress more than anything else. Yesterday (Thursday), when I woke up the pain was really bad so I thought I'd better go see the doc.

It was probably the best thing I've done since my bereavement. I spoke to her about the guilt I've been feeling, the beating myself up and thinking "what if I'd did this or that...". She surprized me in saying that she felt that what was causing these feelings was the lack of communication on the hospital doctors' part. I realised thinking about it that this was so true. I'd always wanted to know more about how they were treating dad, but they were always so reluctant to provide enough information. The doctors weren't accessible enough. This led to us being pretty much totally unprepared for what happened, which made his loss even harder to bear.

My doctor has electronic access to the hospital doctors' notes on my dad and his treatment, so she went through everything they'd written. Though it was painful, it really helped to know more about what was going on. I've found that since seeing the doctor the guilt and blame doesn't seem to be there anymore (for the last 24 hours anyway!).

My brother and I are still going through a really rough time of it - we both had a cry last night - but I feel we're taking small, but positive steps in our healing. I still miss my dad so very much, he's left a massive void in my life. I miss our close communication - a lot of the time we'd know what each other was thinking without the need to use words, one exchange of looks was often all that was required. Sometimes, when in the presence of other people we'd both notice something and comment afterwards "did you see that?" and sure enough we'd both have thought and noticed the same thing. I miss his infinite wisdom. Whenever I had anything on my mind he'd know instantly and he'd know how to turn any negative into a positive. It worked the other way too. He too would always call me to seek my advice on pretty much everything and if he was down I could cheer him up.

It's so, so hard, but I feel we will get there. My brother and I are registering at our local health club this weekend, which should help when we're feeling low.

[leeann]

Good for you Mariah! I'm so glad you ended up at the Doc's too! (Wow! Another positive Doc appointment...(see Midnight's post about hers) I don't think I can take all this good news! lol)

It was great that she was able to help you by going through the records. It was also very astute of her to see & point out what I have seen many times...

the lack of communication on the hospital doctors' part.

Sad but true. I remember going to see my cousin, who was suffering from cancer,in the hospital . She had been quite ill for a bit and was back in the hosp. after a set back.

Her daughter.. a few years younger than I, met me at the door and told me she was in a coma and unresponsive. She was very concerned that the hosp & Doc's weren't doing anything for her to "get her awake".

I couldn't imagine this... until I walked in the room and saw her. I knew immediately that she had only hours to live and the actual dying process had begun.

How is it that it fell to ME to tell her daughter that her Mom was about to go?? How is it that after sitting there ALL day with her Mom NO ONE had told her she was actually dying? This was unconscionable to me. "First do no harm".... yah. There was harm done there.

After several hospital stays for my parents, myself and my husband & other loved ones.. I've gotten to the point of being somewhat demanding about information. I got over the fact that Dr's aren't unapproachable God-like creatures. I now see them as regular humans who happen to be in that profession. (that they put their pants on one leg at a time like everyone else.) Part of their job is to be accountable to their patients & their patient's loved ones.

As soon as I walk into a hospital now to see a loved one I adopt a demeanor that is somewhat defensive. I don't know if that is healthy or not... but that is what I do. I get proactive. I give staff & Dr's my two cents whether they want it or not. (And on a few rare occasions they said they were glad I had spoken up.)

I'm not rude I just get kinda determined to speak with them even if that means several calls to their office or having them paged at the hospital if I have missed them somehow.

Maybe once I got on the other side of 40 yrs old I just got some gumption.. but I find having info... whether it is good or bad news is better than having none. Choices need to be made and they can't be made without information that sometimes only Docs can give.

Mariah.. what your Dr did yesterday, going over the records, probably took only minutes. If your Dad's Dr's had done that... you could have skipped the guilt entirely probably and, even better, been much more prepared for your Dad's passing. I have seen this so many times... this is why I get defensive I guess. Now? if those Doc's cringe when they se me coming.. I feel like "Oh well, too bad."

Information is power and, no, there is nothing special about Dr's to rate their being THE only ones in possession of it.

I'm sorry your Dad's Dr's put you & your brother in the position they did.

Nowadays they have folks sign information release papers so Doc's have permission to speak to you. I bet your Dad signed one based on what you have told us of your relationship with him. So IMHO.. those Doc's definitely should have been completely open with you. This isn't something you should blame yourself for. The error was all theirs, not yours or your brother's.

And you two are now on your way it sounds. That's exactly what I found... Sure rough times & loads of tears still there, but teeny tiny steps forward at a time is how it seems to go.

I hope you enjoy the health club membership and I hope your neck and back are feeling better too! Exercise and just plain old getting out I find does really help sometimes.

I am so happy that you went to the Doctors though.... you should get a round of applause too!

leeann

[MariahC]

Thanks leeann. I'm slightly surprized how well it went at the doctors, especially as it was the first time I'd met that particular doctor having only joined the surgery a few months ago.

She went through it in terminology that I understood and didn't leave important details out. She said that she's well aware that some hospital doctors lack the ability to communicate information properly with patients and their family members. Of the two of us, I used to be the one asking all the questions, but sometimes it was very difficult to get any meaningful information out of the doctors. I used to ask them about dad's treatments and ask the nurses what he was being given in the IV etc, but there was some important information that they withheld.

Now I understand more about what was going on it has helped a bit. If they'd told me what my doctor told me yesterday - I probably still would have been shocked at dad's passing, as his condition deteriorated so quickly. However, I doubt I would have experienced such strong feelings of self guilt and blame. I still miss him like crazy and had a 'bad day' today - being really tearful. I suppose we all get days like that.

leeann - It's awful that your cousin's daughter had to go through that. Doctor's sometimes tend to see the people they are treating only as 'patients' not someone's loved one. I'm glad you were there to help her understand what was happening and to comfort her.

And you two are now on your way it sounds. That's exactly what I found... Sure rough times & loads of tears still there, but teeny tiny steps forward at a time is how it seems to go.

I hope you enjoy the health club membership and I hope your neck and back are feeling better too! Exercise and just plain old getting out I find does really help sometimes.

I am so happy that you went to the Doctors though.... you should get a round of applause too!

leeann

I didn't need to take the meds today, as the pain in my back and shoulder wasn't too bad - so I went to work. Keeping active with exercise should definitely help the both of us.