Dragging My Feet And Happiness Is Eluding Me

[Stallyn]

Its been some time I posted,I have been trying to avoid talking about my loss anymore, but a reality hit me this morning when I found myself crying and thinking of Myrna, which woke me up. I come to realize, it doesn't get better but remains dormant, I see the signs of pain, my body aches all the time, I am lethargic almost every day and I can't enjoy myself and get out to socialize, I fear change, always had. I am tired of running and living every day as if nothing happened and within myself I know it did. Life is not pleasant anymore, I wonder how long I am going to live and living like this. My self esteem suffers, my heart aches. and not a thing to do about it. Where is God? I dont feel him, has he denied me the joy of life?

[suzanne]

William

I am so sorry you are having such a hard time now. I can relate to everything you said. I think maybe it has to do with the one year sadiversary we both just faced. One year, spring has come and everything blooming with new life and our beloveds are not here physically to see it. For some reason I thought the one year mark would bring about some sort of magic of lifting some of the pain and boy was I fooled. The reality is it did happen and only those of us here truly know the anguish and depth of our despair. We can't change what has happened but we have to keep trying, one day at a time as they say. God has held us up thus far and He will continue to do so. Maybe it is like the poem Footprints in the Sand, it is now that He carries us. Myrna still loves you as much as she always has, this is only a temporary separation as painful as it is. You will see her again. When two souls are intertwined death can only separate the physical aspect. It's lonely and dark but a journey we must endure until we are reunited. Some how, some way, we will find it. Hang in there.

Your friend

Suzanne

[Stallyn]

Suzanne, I been thinking too much about life, my family tells me I been dealt a bad card in life, with my past medical issues, partial deafness, I wonder is this life? or a bad dream? When I woke up crying, i couldn't remember if it was cry of joy of seeing her in a dream or sadness. I am confused, dont you desire to hear them give us some affirmation? She passed so suddenly and still feel pain of no closure. I wondered if she heard me tell her I loved her. Sometimes I just cant take this anymore.

[suzanne]

William

We play the hand we have been dealt. Shuffle the cards in the deck. She is with you in spirit and will be until you cross in your time. She heard you. Yes I had a dream several nights ago of the day he died and woke up feeling so empty. They are so still around us, hang tight to that but continue on with your life, people love you and care. Did you take your meds?

Sending you a big hug (((William)))

Suzanne

[karenb]

My very good friend, William....

I haven't written as much as I used to but my reason is I have been busy trying to make some kind of a life for myself lately. I do read the posts every day, though. You know, you have been dealt a hand that's extremely tough. Dealing with such a loss after having such a wonderful love and companion must be harder for you - I really know that!

William, I feel remembering the loss becomes quiet and surfaces here and there because I really feel time is a healing process and these things will still come and go. It will be three years for me the end of July and I always think of Jack, and I pray for him every single morning that he's loving what he's doing now and I ask God to bless that wonderful soul and give thanks that he was given to me for a while.

Suzanne is right that they are still with us. I know Jack is still with me because on Valentine's Day he gave me another heart (he always gave me a little gold heart on that day) that I found out on a wood carving that wasn't there before and I've never seen it before - it just appeared. Remember that? Now, doesn't that say they must live on and care for us still. Try to still that big heart of yours and get a little peace. We're all with you all the time.

Your friend, Karen

[Stallyn]

Thanks for the hug, I really needed some comfort, I don't feel her anymore and dismayed by it too, it felt wierd like utter despair later through the day. I been taking my meds regularly but somehow its not working effectively. Too tired really to deal with it.

Karen, I completely understand, and myself also been trying to put the pieces back together, I wonder about the problems I had over the last 41 years, the hearing loss, the chrohns's the diabetes, I always had the notion of this hell has been filled, and when losing my wife, i haven't felt much hope since then, even a year later it drags me down, if I relax, it haunts me, always staying busy but it has a price. I just wantn God to redeem me again and heal my bitter soul. There has to be more to this life than fixing, paying the bills, surviving. Its lost meaning to me.

[Stallyn]

Tonite, sitting here, missing my baby so much, god, the pain so much not hearing her voice telling me "I love you" feeling loved and wanted by her. I feel so heavy like my chest caved in without a hope in the world knowing I will never see her again in this life. Part of me has moved on, but a huge part of my soul still feels empty. I ask myself many, many, times if one of these days, will I snap and just let everything we had, her legacy, my life slip away before my eyes. Just hoping the pain will just let up. I am exhausted. really exhausted.

William

[Guest Gamer205]

I just want to say I am sorry your feeling so much pain and going threw a rough time,it never seems to get easy when we lose people we care about,

anyway sorry for your loss and wish you the best.

[Stallyn]

Never easy, Thx for posting, sometimes theres too much time thinking, reflecting on the good things that was with the love shared and suddenly again the reality sets in, I walked over a year now, and one day out of many it is the beginning again.