Where Do I Fit In?

[STARKISS]

Hi DoubleJo,

This is where I have extreme trouble with speaking up and this is why I think people do end up taking advantage of me... I feel like I would be yelled at or no one would like me for causing a stir... I have had trouble with this my whole life and that is why I do not have any real friends where I live... Shelley

[kayc]

Shelley,

I used to be timid, I was innocent and sweet and was always so nice to people, I placed everyone's needs over my own, to the point of neglecting myself...my how I have changed! One thing that going through this grief experience has caused is I have become stronger inside, and I have learned to speak up for myself and get brave, even confront if I have to...it can be done in a nice way, but sometimes people just don't pay attention to us when we're so soft and sweet, we have to get their attention and maybe talk to them the way they're definitely not afraid to talk to us. When people tell us to get over it or move on or we shouldn't feel a certain way (which in essence is invalidating our experience and they don't have the right to do that), it is certainly okay to speak up and tell them, we DO feel a certain way and we're entitled to! We have to give ourselves permission to stand up for ourselves, all the more so because we no longer have our spouse doing it for us. Imagine them applauding us for doing so, they'd be so proud! To those who are already assertive and don't know what I'm talking about, you can skip this post and move on to the next one, but to those who know what I'm saying and have trouble with standing up for themselves, always worrying about upsetting someone, please remember you are valuable and if you don't stand up for yourself, it's possible no one else ever will. Think of it as educating people who just don't get it...I don't mean we have to be abrasive, I don't think that's even in us, I'm talking about those of us who are more soft than that...I mean let people know what you need, let them know what you're going through is normal and okay and you are right where you could be expected to be in your grief journey...and let them know that everyone's experience is not exactly the same, but individual, just as unique as all of us are!

[STARKISS]

Hi Kayc,

Thank you so very much for your post you are right... I always had my parents around me and they would be the ones who would stand up for me in situations... I need to learn how to stand up for myself and with practice and help I can do this... It may not happen over night but in the near future... KayC, you have been there for me when I really needed a friend and I thank you for that... Take care Shelley

[kayc]

Shelley,

You're welcome, we're all friends here on this site because we understand and care about each other...and whether our loss is spouse, parents, or other, it's a journey unique to us that are on it and it makes us more compassionate because we know!

You WILL do this, and you'll know they're cheering you on when you do!

I love you,

KayC

[Lin_in_Cave Creek]

Hi Shelley,

I admire your courage. I remember how I felt when my mom died, 16 years after my dad, I felt so alone. Even though I had my husband (who is now gone) and my children, I still felt like a little kid (I was 42) who had been abandoned. You and I both know that your journey has not been easy, but you seem to be a strong person and I feel in my heart that you will be able to stand alone and stand tall. I always say that you haven't completely experienced life until you experience losing someone you love. It is unfortunate that you have to go full circle to find out where you stand in life, and to gain an understanding of why you are the person you've become. I wish you all the best as you move forward in life.

Please keep us posted, and always remember we are here for you...Lin

[Guest moparlicious]

KayC,

You are so amazing and I am so blessed to have you in my life as well as everyone here. Your words of wisdom and your friendship has helped me so so much. I love you all very much and hope some day I can help one of you through one more day, but right now,I do not know if I am at that place, but I am always here for all to listen and offer you compassion and care.Love, Kim