I Am Not Strong Enough For This

[Deb]

I just got bad news about my Grandmother. She is still distraught over my grandfather's death and has been declining quickly. I just learned today that she has fallen down and dislocated her shoulder. My Uncle (her son) moved her from the assisted care home and into his house. Since he and his wife aren't home all day she is by herself. My Dad told me she is declining quickly.

I am still feeling out of control with my Grandfather and I just don't know how I will even function if I have to deal with this. I know this is horribly selfish of me I just don't know what to do.

[leeann]

Deb sorry to hear about your Grandmother not doing too well.

I am still feeling out of control with my Grandfather and I just don't know how I will even function if I have to deal with this.

I have learned that I am stronger than I think. And that I can survive things I would never have thought possible.

leeann

[shauna marie]

My heart goes out to you, deb.

I don't think it's selfish for you to have those thoughts. They are normal thoughts to have. My question to you would be--how realistic are they? I am completely oversensitive to anyone being ill. Finding out my brother had a headache makes me overreact and think, "It's really a tumor."

That aside, is there a way for you to spend more time with her? Sounds like it would do both of you some good, if possible. I'd question why your grandmother was taken out of an assisted facility where she was taken care of to your uncle's home, where she would be alone at least part of the time.

You are stronger than you think, as leeann said. If anyone had asked what would have happened to me if my mom died, I would have said I'd be in a matching casket. I did survive it though.

Take care of you,

Shauna

[Deb]

I am unclear why they took her from assisted care. My grandmother is very mentally aware and is making her own decisions. They live in chicago and we live in NH. The only thing I can think of, without being able to confirm this directly is that they talked her into it to save money. (which is absurd because my parents are pretty well off and have offered to take up any short falls)

This is all compounded by the fact that my Uncle hasn't spoken to me or my mom in over 20 years over something that happened when I was 2. (appparently I am guilty via association)

She fell and dislocated her shoulder and I think she is still not emotionally dealing well with the loss of her husband. My grandparents were married for more than 65 years and this would be the first time in a LONG time where she has been in the home alone all day. My Dad feels that she is declining quickly and we are afraid that she is just giving up.

I am still having problems with speaking to her and to my Mom. My Grandfather went to the hospital because he could not keep food down and had aspirated into his lungs. He refused both a feeding tube, and also a respirator. So the hospital basically gave him morphine to make him comfortable. My family let my Grandfather starve to death.

This still disturbes me greatly, and I am either angry with him for doing this or angry with my family for allowing him or angry with myself for somehow doing something or not doing something that would have changed this. Unfortunately the only person in my family that I could talk to about what happened medically and to try to work though this is my Mom. I don't feel that I have the right to bruden her with my grief on top of hers. I "only" lost a grandparent, SHE lost her dad.

I wish my grief had a count down timer so I knew how long this will continue. Better yet, I wouldn't mind giving up grief totally.

[STARKISS]

Hi Deb,

I am sorry you are having such a rough time right now, It is so hard when families do things different than they would normally do... Money makes people think differently too... I will keep you in my prayers and I will also pray for your grandma... Take care Shelley

[leeann]

((((Deb))))

Unfortunately the only person in my family that I could talk to about what happened medically and to try to work though this is my Mom. I don't feel that I have the right to bruden her with my grief on top of hers. I "only" lost a grandparent, SHE lost her dad.

You know.. I had a similiar situation.. but here's what I learned from it.

I ended up being better off talking to the person I thought I had no right to talk to and they ended up being grateful I had brought it up!

So now.. I just share with them. And each time I do, I feel better and they do too. So Deb.. you may actually be helping Mom by talking to her about your feelings. It may help her share hers!

leeann

[shauna marie]

Deb,

Honestly, I'd talk to your mom. I was able to understand my parent's deaths a lot easier than my grandparents. I was older and was better able to understand.

Regarding your grandfather...hon, I don't think anyone let him die--even himself. He may have just known that it was his time. Both my parents did. He might just wanted to have made it as easy as possible on the family. The worst thing in the world you can watch is a loved one die.

Is it possible for you to talk to your uncle? Perhaps you could be able to help your mom and uncle bury the hatchet. You are not involved in that, no matter what either of them say. You were only two, you could not have done something at that age to cause them to stop speaking to one another.

Shauna

[AnnieO]

Deb

I am so sorry for your loss.

My dad also refused a feeding tube and respirator...he said, "no more". We had family friends that told us we let my dad starve to death.We understood their pain, but also were very hurt by the things they said to us. They did not know how sick he was and that this was his choice and we honored his wishes. I hope one day you will find peace with your family's decision.