Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups

1st Anniversary Without Him


Recommended Posts

May 22nd was not only the first wedding anniversary without my husband, Harry, but also the 5 month anniversary of his death. I made a little memorial garden of flowers and stones with sayings on them along the back of the shed in our yard where I found him that day. Every morning when I raise the window shade in the kitchen my eyes automatically go to that spot. I think it is going to help me to have something growing there.

Since Mother's Day my grieving had worsened but today I am better. I have read many posts from others that say the anticipation of annivesarys and other dates is worse than the actual day and I must say that seemed to be the case for me. I was listening to his favorite radio station yesterday. As I pulled into my driveway and was about to shut off the truck the DJ announced the winner of lunch for two at Sonic's....and my name was announced. His boss called me immediately and said "see, the big stoop is still looking out for you!" Don't take that remark in a bad way as between them it was a term of endearment.

Thanks for listening and I pray that we will all have a peaceful Memorial Day weekend.

Sherry

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Sherry,

I had a really hard time on our first anniversary alone. We had planned on doing something really special as that would have been our 35th anniversary. Obviously it became just a lonely nightmare. I don't know if these times get better as the years pass or not since I've only been through that one at this point. In my opinion the anniversary was really harder than the holidays since it was more personal to us. The hardest thing about this grief process for me is that there just is no alterative. One can (in theory anyway) accept it and just roll with it and hope you make it or you can fight it and hope you can make it. It just doesn't seem to make a lot of difference. I just can't seem to get the hang of accepting and rolling with it though so I try to fight it and find that it just roars back with a vengance and for a time i'm just overwhelmed by it. Its a roller coaster trip with lots of ups and downs but never any fun.

Art

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sherry -

Monday will be my first anniversary without my wife - it would have been our 29th. What a great idea you had making a memorial. I chose to go to the ocean where we often celebrated our anniversary. I read in CS Lewis' 'A Grief Observed' that he tried going to places special to them and found it no more difficult than anywhere else. As he put it "Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything." I find the same. It hurts no more and no less than anywhere else. So I have discovered I don't have to fear going to places just because they were special to us. I cannot find the joy I would have if she were with me, of course. But we shared a strong love of nature, and I found that I can still access that love, if I allow that it feels different now. Everything feels different of course. Again, from CS Lewis: "I suppose that if one were forbidden all salt one wouldn't notice it much more in any one food than in another. Eating in general would be different every day, at every meal. It is like that. The act of living is different all through."

Sorry for rambling. I wish for all a holiday of good memories.

- Joe

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joe,

One's mileage may vary. I found visiting our old haunts more difficult at first, but persisted as I had a gut feeling I needed to get past that. I have. But you are right ... it is different and you have to allow it to be different. If you resist what now is, then you simply suffer needlessly. In the beginning I'm not sure we are capable of anything but total resistance, but as you slowly absorb the enormity of what has happened, you can start to let go of the resistance, and ask yourself, "what now"? And then let the answers come.

--Bob

Link to comment
Share on other sites

C S Lewis is a marvelous author and human being. He found love late in life and I can certainly see why God brought it his way...even though through that love he found grief and pain, he also experience extreme joy and empathy that would never have been his had he not walked the journey he did. He was such a superb author, and I believe his pen was meant for all of us to come.

I am sorry so many of you are going through these first, the reminders, anniversaries...yet I like what was quoted here "Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything." It is true, it is not one place or event, it is all.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joe,

Thanks for sharing your discovery that you don't have to fear going places that were special to you both. I am going to try taking the camper out soon. Some family members are going to help me with it. I have been hesitant as we both loved it so much and that is what we had planned to do in our retirment this year. I know it won't be the same without him but I feel like I have to try instead of just giving up "our dream". This journey is hard but I feel less alone by being able to share my feelings with others who defintely understand. Thanks again.

Sherry

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sherry,

My heart goes out to you, I hope you do well when you go out camping and can find peace and know that your husband's spirit is with you. You are brave for trying and I think you're doing the right thing. I am scared to attempt such things alone and wish I had more fortitude. I miss our camping trips.

KayC

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...