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Loss Of A Parent

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I too lost my Mom to cancer. It will be 1 year next month on Oct 13, 2004. From the moment she died, each day has gotten worse for me, not better.

It has been a twilight zone experience that started back when my Mom first told me she had uterine cancer. She was scheduled to have a total hysterectomy and told the cancer was contained to her uterus. We were given the 99.9% range that all would be OK....because uterine cancer is very slow growing. It wasn't until after the surgery that we were told that the cancer had spread...and what they previously thought was a stage I cancer, was now a stage IV.

We took the news shockingly but with hope that chemo would save her.....and it did for awhile and she was in remission with all her hair back....and free of cancer she was told.

During and after chemo, every 3 months, she would have a CA-125 test...a blood test...that is a tumor marker for cancer. If she was in the normal range of 1-35...all was good. Then one day the number jumped out of the normal range. They did a CAT scan on her and no sign or cancer...so wait another 3 months and so on.

Well, after some time, her CA-125 starting going up, and up, and up. And because of that, each and evertime now they would perform a CAT scan on her. The CAT scan NEVER showed any cancer. So she was told "all is OK" because nothing on scan, and not having any problems etc.

THEN, exactly at her 1 year mark for being off chemo (I remember the date because it's my daughter's birthday...she was turning 3) her right leg started to swell....and she was having back pain.

Being very concerned, she made an appointment with her Oncologist....where he did all the usual testing...CA-125 blood test, CAT scan......and this time he ordered a bone scan. The CA-125 was now up dangerly high...BUT NEITHER SCAN SHOWED ANY SIGNS OF CANCER. ...so again it was ruled out.

She was then referred to an Orthapedic back specialist and a MRI of her spine was performed. The MRI findings showed some signs of concern...so this doctor sent my Mom back to her Oncologist to look at these findings on her spine. HE AGAIN RULED OUT CANCER.

To get to the point...she was prescribed therapy and Chiropractic care for her back pain. WHILE ALL ALONG THE CANCER WAS IN HER SPINE.

All this high-dollar, high-tech cancer detecting equipment...and the only test that was accurate was the CA-125 blood test...that doctors say isn't reliable. We were told over and over that she didn't have cancer...even after we took her to the hospital in so much pain...in a wheel chair becasue she couldn't walk....after an all-nighter of high-dollar and high-tech tests again...we were told "good news an bad new"...the good news was that she didn't have cancer...the bad news, was that they didn't know what was wrong with her.....this went on a month in the hospital....then a month home with hospice....and she was gone. She was only barely 64.

I feel so deceived by doctors...the ones we trust with our lives.

I feel so cheated not to have a Mom. I have 2 daughters that are cheated out of their Grandma....not to mention to experience a loss so young. My Dad was cheated out of his wife after 40 years of marriage.

I miss my Mom sooooo much. My precious daughters are now 4 and 1. My youngest was only two months old when my Mom started with the symptoms of the recurring cancer. I'm sooo thankful my Mom was here to see her be born (she was in the room with my husband and I when I had her cesarian). My Mom would hold the baby and just sob....knowing she wasn't going to be here to see her grow up. My 4 year old still remembers her...they were sooo close....with being with each other everyday. It's just sooo sad for me to know that she will one day maybe not really remember her....it crushes me!!!!!

From the moment my Mom was put in the hospital...I was there everyday....and once, home with hospice...I couldn't leave her for breaks to go home anymore. I slept in my parent's bed with a baby monitor to hear her....my Dad in a chair next to her.....my husband and 2 babies in the guest room...and my Mom's 87 year old Mom in the other guest room. It was so difficult to watch her dying bit by bit...and still take care of her, my babies, my dad and my grandma. Since her death, each day, I hurt and miss her more....it will be a year on Oct 13th.

I am crying so much here lately....and having a tough time going to sleep at night. I 've read that the grief peaks at the 1 year mark...I guess that is what I am doing. I am still so lost and feel so alone. My husband doesn't understand what I am going through. I am just a mess. I am trying so hard to go on and be happy...and I am going through the motions on the outside...but inside I am in so much pain.

*Within 2 years....MyGrandma (Dad's Mom) had a stroke and died at 89...and my Grandpa (Mom's Dad) died at 92...and my Mom's dog all died in one month (Dec)...which is also the month my Mom learned of her cancer.

My Mom's surgery was Jan. 8, 2002...and my Mom died on Oct. 13, 2003 which just happens to be my Mother-in-laws birthday.

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I am also honoring the 1 year anniversary of my mom's death. I don't know how she died and probably never will. She was gone from us suddenly, but she kept talking about death and how "surprised" she was that she lived for so long (she was 55 when she died). There were signs that she might have committed suicide, but really, I will never know for sure. That is the worst part. Having the police call me up to tell me that they found my mom deceased on her living room floor was probably the worst day of my life. I still feel like it was yesterday (or this morning). I can empathize with everyone that has a gigantic hurt where their heart used to be from losing a parent. We know in our minds that our parents won't live forever, but losing someone too soon is very traumatic, no matter what the circumstances. I wish I had been able to say good bye to my mom. I wish I would have been able to tell her that I loved her, but she died alone, truly alone.

Not only is she gone, but it seems her brothers and sisters don't want to talk to me anymore. None of my cousins sent me a sympathy card (I have about 30 cousins) and that is just lousy to me. It makes me angry.

Anyhow, I'm sending my best to all who are dealing with a 1 year anniversary ( and those of you who just lost a parent) of a parent's death. May your path lead you to peace, and your thoughts lead you to happy memories of your parent. For me, that is all I have left.

I also think that my mom's doctor did not treat her properly by prescribing her over 200 psychotropic medications at 1 visit. She only had 37 left a week later. I, too am disheartened by doctors and the treatment they give to us.

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i lost my precious mum on 8th august 2004. i feel that someone has taken a knife and cut my heart out. she was my best friend, confidante, mother and everything else. my mum died of cancer. she had been in remission for one year when it returned and after being told by her Consultant that she had between one and four years left, she died just 5 and a half weeks later.

i just cant seem to come to terms with losing her. this past week has been the worst since the days after she died. it finally seems real now and i know that i wont see her again in this life. i just want to hug her and be close to her again and for this feeling of emptiness to go away, i guess i just want her back with me but without the cancer. a friend said that you never get over the loss but you learn to live with it. well i really hope that i do learn to live with it because at the moment it doesnt feel that way to me. everyone tells me that my mum is in a better place but i just want that better place to be here with me and my children. my poor dad has lost his wife of 42 years and they had been together since they were 17 ( my mum was only 63).

i feel so bad for all of you who have lost a parent. it's so very painful and hard and so difficult to get on with 'normal' life as everyone expects you to.

i am very glad to have found this board as i feel that only people who have been through the loss of a parent can really understand. thanks for letting me vent! it does help. my thoughts are with each and every one of you who is grieving.

jules (UK)

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Hi Jules:

I'm so sorry about the loss of your Mum. Like you, my Mom was the best friend I had in the world. Ever since my Dad died in 1999, we became very close. My wife really took the loss of my Mom very hard, to this day. THey were great friends. I know that I have just started that long trip through the 1st year without my Mom (she died on September 6th of this year). I'm not looking forward toward the holidays (Thanksgiving, Christmas et.al.). I'm sure that these joyous holidays will be only a sad reminder for me. I dread them immensely. I'm thankful for my wife and my two children. I know they will help me through all this. I have one happy reminder, my Mom's Shih-Tzu dog named "Sugah" (pronounced as it spells, my folks were from the Boston area where "R's" are not pronounced). "Sugah" is now with us and is a joy to have.

Good luck, Jules. We all know that when we leave this life, we'll be together once again with our loved ones. That is one comfort that keeps me going. I know that my folks want me go on and be happy once again. For the sake of my wife and my great children, I'll press on.


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Hi there

I lost my Dad on the 28th August to colon cancer. Unfortunately for us he was misdiagnosed and lived with the symptoms for almost 3 years, and when he was diagnosed we had only 5 months left with him.

I am glad that I've found this site and am able to share your grief - I now understand the apathy that has overcome me and why it is difficult to drag myself out of bed before 12. I can also understand my lack of enthusiasm in making decisions and how I feel so directionless.

Thank you for sharing such personal insight of your loss - I feel for and empathise with you all.

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