Recent Loss Of Mom

[karen033150]

I lost my dear mom on 5/28/08. I am 58; but lived with her all but 3 years of my life. I was a caregiver for my dad for five years. He is gone 11 years now. Mom became quite ill during the same time; and I cared for them both. I left my job and was caregiver for mom for 15 years. The past couple of years it was practically every minute of every day that she needed me. I loved every moment, and was privileged to have that gift. I would do it until the day I die if she could still be with me. She used to say she never wanted to leave me. She suffered so the past couple of years; and I know she did it for me. She was the love of my life, and I feel I can't do it. When she was dying she asked me if I would go with her. For hours she repeated that she loved me. I long to touch her and hug her for long time. I wander from room to room. I have two brothers who tell me to live my life now and go meet someone. Now I feel that when my mom's estate is settled and my things are in order that I don't care what happens to me. I can't face another morning, afternoon or night. I tried so hard to prepare. I knew this would be painful; but didn't have a clue. I was so strong and could accomplish anything for so long. Now I feel like a small child who cannot make a decision. I will keep reading posts on this site. Please pray for me, as I will for you.

[leeann]

Oh Hugs for your ((((((Karen)))))) and Welcome.

I'm so very sorry about the loss of your Mom and of course your Dad too. It's a bit different with both of them gone now isn't it?

It sounds like you and your Mom had such a wonderful relationship. So very close. What a blessing. Not everyone could say that. She loved you very well and you loved her so very well too. So.. this is going to hurt pretty bad. You CAN do this.. It is just that you will indeed hurt while doing it.

For me? I had to get used to doing everyday life things... in deep and very real pain. I wasn't used to that.. so it took a supreme effort on some days to just keep going. But I was able to and I know you will beable to as well. You most certainly can do this. I find.. I can get extremely overwhelmed if I think too much about more than today. I must keep telling myself that all I need to do is get through just today.

"Prepare".. yes there is value in that. And I am glad you did try to do that. But.. when they are gone... it just does hurt us awfully, right to the quick. And there is no way to predict how deep that pain will be until they do pass. This is incredibly recent for you and I bet you are feeling so very raw & lost. Unfortuanely... this is all kinda normal. It feels so bad that I thought it couldn't possibly be "normal" but.. I learned it is. And one way I kept getting affirmations of that was reading right here on this board. So you have a good idea about reading posts here.

It sounds like your life revolved largely around the care for your Mom (and earlier, your Dad). So this will be a major life adjustment for you as well as a devastating loss. And the feeling of being unable to make decisions... yup.. I have felt that so often as well. I asked for help from my husband and also my sister. So don't be shy .. if you are having trouble with things.. just call one of your brothers up for some advice.

If there any MAJOR life decisions you are trying to grapple with.. I would try.. if at all possible, to put those off for a bit. You need some time, if you can, to just grieve and heal a bit. I had to keep reminding myself over and over again with different issues.. "I do not need to decide that right this minute. I can wait a bit on that."

Your brothers are right.. in a way. Yes, of course, you should live your life for you now. However... you will need some time to make this huge life adjustment. This isn't going to be a quickie 'ok let me settle the estate and now Bing! I can move right along.' Doesn't work that way for most people.

I have learned..grief takes time and ... more work that I figured on! Hard to get up and put feet to floor and keep on going in the beginning... very hard. That is kinda normal and it is such early days for you still. This does get easier, really it does, over.. time.

And hey.. you will read here on this board.. it really doesn't matter how old we are.. we all cry and feel like children sometimes.. despite the enormous challeneges that we met during our folks' illnesses and deaths. I sometimes just want a hug... still. There are still times I would wan tto be small again and crawl up on their laps.

All of this.. is "normal".

You can do this.. it just hurts....bad.

It sounds like you took such precious care of Mom... now.. maybe you need to turn on some of that care to yourself.

Take many small breaks.. do something soothing to you... ANYthing you find a bit calming. And for me.. in the beginning... sometimes these breaks were nothing more than crying. But I did feel a bit better after letting those tears come. There were also times when I kinda had to force myself to get out of the house and take a simple walk. In the beginning.. again.. this "walk" may have been just in my own yard! But I needed to just get away from everything and focus on something else... a bird, the sky, a cloud.. ANYthing else for just at least a few minutes.

During some of my "breaks" I would just talk to my parents. And sometimes that was soothing and other times it helped me shed the tears I really needed to shed.

I continue to try not to judge myself or my tears. I continue to try not to compare my grief with others'. Every relationship is different.. so every grief will be as well. I continue to try to accept where I am at on this grief journey.

Karen... I'll tell ya, giref is one wild ride and this community helped me so much to just hang on.... You can do this and we will help you as best we can.

This is so very recent for you.. so please go very gently with you and care for you as you did for Mom (and Dad too). One little step at a time.. one day at a time.. you will get there.

And please remember... you aren't alone. We here all "get it" so please keep us posted on how you are doing.

leeann

[shell]

Karen,

I'm so very sorry for your loss. Our stories are very similar, so I know so much how you feel. It will feel like you can't go on, but you can and, as Leeann said, take it one day at a time. Just give yourself permission to grieve and try to believe that things will get, I won't say better, but you will be able to cope with the loss better as time goes on. Just take your time and don't try to get "back into the swing of things" (as your well meaning brothers are suggesting and I know they are just trying to help you) until you feel ready. Your mom will always be with you because you are part of her. It is such a hard road but hang in there, you will make it. Come here and pour your heart out, it helps so much.

Hugs to you,

Shell

[karen033150]

Thank you leann and shell. After my feet touched the ground today I came to my computer to read your posts. I appreciate your thoughts and kindness. I will work my best at this day, today. I am new to this so am not certain how to reply. Thank you again.

[leeann]

Karen just hit the small "reply" tab all the way on the right under the last post and type in the window if you do not want to reply with all of the other posts in it.

leeann

[leeann]

Karen you are most welcome.

Hope this one day goes a bit easier for you.

leeann

[shell]

You're on the right track Karen, just baby steps one day after another.

Hugs,

Shell