Feeling Guilty And Selfish

[KathyG]

Yesterday, I did something I felt I had to do to protect myself emotionally - but this morning, I feel selfish and guilty for doing it. What did I do? I didn't answer the phone when my sister called. I just couldn't.

A few weeks ago, I posted about trying to deal with my sister who is losing her battle with bipolar disease. Since then, she has become even sicker, she lost her job, and now she wants to give away or spend all her savings (the only money she has to live on) because she thinks if she does, "the government has to support me and pay all my bills."

Although her case worker and I are trying to get my sister into an outpatient program at a local clinic, we're still waiting. And all the other things we're trying to do to help are stuck in progress. Nothing's happening. And there's a strong possibility I may have to go to court to petition to become her legal guardian. My sister is calling me three, four or more times daily while I'm at work, just to say the same things over and over again - she's "not sick" and "doesn't need help"!

Yesterday (and still today), I've been going through a strong grief attack. I miss my Bill so much, and my sister's situation makes me miss him even more because I know if he were here, he'd put his arms around me and cry with me and give me all the love and support I need. So when my sister started her barrage of phone calls to me yesterday (caller ID told me she was calling), I didn't pick up the phone. I told myself, "You can't handle this right now. You have to think of your own emotional needs first for a change." Not taking the calls did reduce my stress for awhile. And I tried to just relax with a good meal and a movie for the rest of the evening. But now, I feel like I did something wrong.

I know my sister needs me, but I'm standing here in the ashes of my old life, hammering away at a half-built new foundation that's still pretty shaky. Is it selfish of me to push her away (or at least, keep a distance from her) at times when I don't feel strong enough to carry both her burdens and mine?

[karenb]

Kathy,

I understand so completely what you're going through. I made an emergency trip to where my son lives a hour and a half away. He's schizophrenic since age 14 and he's 44. He lives on his own with a part-time job. I bring him food and help with clothes. The predators of this world, the drug people, have found him. They know he's vulnerable and are trying to move in on him. He's on a Section 8 subsidy that helps with his rent and the Housing Authority will take that away if they find out about this. We've been fighting this for some time now. Danny, however, knows he has this disability and is good about taking the drugs. He's not good about keeping those people out.

Like you I miss Jack's support and strength at these times and I, too, just get plain tired of doing everything. Sometimes you do just have to sit back, regroup, and get back at it again. You do need some time for yourself, and I certainly would try to get rid of that guilty feeling. That doesn't help you. You're a strong lady. I know that from what you're going through. Just know that you need to have some time to yourself....you'll get back to it again. Good luck to us both, huh?

Your friend, Karen

[WendyJ]

Kathy I am so sorry you are going through this rough time, I know personally what it is like to have to deal with too many things going on at once and you feel like it is taking away from your grieving of your spouse. Not only that but you know you could get through these rough times alot easier if you had your spouse around to support you and to vent to, unfortunately we don't have that. If it were me though I would tell my sister no more calls at work...period ! Can you really afford to lose your job having to deal with this at work when you should be working? You were right not to pick up the phone, it is time to think of and protect yourself too. I know you have to help your sister and you will but you have to think of your own sanity and what you need too. If it were me I would tell her that you will be available after such and such time in the evening so you can get through your day, make your stops on the way home from work and eat your dinner without a lump in your throat and then take her call. Some people may think what I am saying is harsh, but if you don't watch out for you...who will.

Love,

Wendy

[MartyT]

Kathy, dear, please let me add my voice to Karen's and Wendy's in giving you permission to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST. If it helps to put yourself first in these situations, think of this image. Remember what the airline attendant always says every time you board a plane. If you're traveling with another person who will need your help to put on an oxygen mask in the event that the cabin loses air pressure, put on your own mask first. Sometimes the work of grief requires all the energy we can muster just to get out of bed in the morning. If you don't take care of yourself first, Kathy, there will be no one there to take care of your sister when she needs you the most. You are entitled to take a break whenever you feel the need to do so, and you are not required to be available to your sister 24 hours a day ~ especially under these very difficult circumstances.

[KathyG]

Oh Karen,

You're so sweet to be comforting me when you're coping with your son's situation, which because of the drug people is even worse than my sister's plight. Thanks so much for your support and your courage; you're a role model for me. I hope you remember to give yourself some R&R once in awhile. We both have to rest now and then, because if we don't we might break down at critical times when our loved ones need our help most.

My sister is 54 and she lives on her own. She hasn't officially been declared disabled yet, so she isn't receiving any financial assistance yet. Her boss has put her on unpaid leave for 6 weeks and if she can't go back to work after then (which obviously she won't be able to do), then she can get long-term disability benefits from her employer and apply for SSDI.

I'm surprised that the Housing Authority can take away your son's rent subsidy if the drug people don't leave him alone. How can they hold Danny accountable for what the druggies do? It's not his fault they're leeching on to him.

You and Danny are in my prayers, along with the other caring souls here who share our struggles with loss. We can't give up. But we (I) do have to recognize the need to recharge or else burn out.

Blessings,

Kathy

[WendyJ]

Kathy now read back on Karen's posts regarding Danny. Now what did she do before she dealt with his problems on Monday? She took a nice relaxing weekend for herself and went out on her boat and went fishing. She knew she had to deal with Danny's problems but she knew she had to do something for herself first, I would love to see you do the same for yourself. Take some time for yourself, and do like everyone here says...Breathe.

Love,

Wendy

P.S. Marty just curious why does my name appear where everyone elses says member or advanced member ?

[MartyT]

Well, Wendy, that's a very good question ~ I never noticed that until you pointed it out! I just went in and fixed it, so you're now officially an Advanced Member

[WendyJ]

Too funny Marty, I never noticed it till today but now I feel so special ! LOL

Love,

Wendy