Sick...again.

[shauna marie]

Ugh. I think my title says it all. I'm sick--again. I had a yeast infection two weeks ago, Swimmer's Ear last week, was diagnosed with a bladder infection yesterday, and today I realize that I have a tooth infection. The worst part is I can't sleep and when I do, I dream constantly about my parents. That upsets me and well, kind of depresses me. I end up with no energy, my apartment looks like a hurricane hit it, I'm finding it hard to read, watch tv, even be on the computer. Also the medications for my bipolar quit working when I'm sick and so any dreams about my father almost immediately sends me back into a frenzy where I go around and apologize for every single thing I do, thinking I upset someone, said something wrong, or angered them. Then I feel worthless and want to leave the earth. (Don't worry--ONLY thoughts, not actions.)

It doesn't help that it's summer and it's a hard time for me anyway. There are flashbacks to three years ago when my mom was sick. That's hard to think about. It doesn't help that people are going away on vacation--I'm not. Families are getting together, having BBQ's, going to the beach.

A girl that I used to work with at the pharmacy got married on Saturday. No, I didn't go to the wedding. I can't do weddings. All I can ever think about is the day of my father's funeral and how it struck me that I was walking him down the aisle and it wasn't the other way around. In two single moments, the idea of such a special day was robbed from me. I doubt I could get married without both parents. And, oh, yeah, a boyfriend might help first.

At the same time of all of this, I'm thankful for several things. I'm thankful that they are just infections. The doctor had seen some sugar in my urine and I guess it was just a mess, so she thought it might have been diabetes. I was thinking it could have been thyroid problems. So to only be a bladder infection is good news. It's also good that I'm able to see that I have disordered thinking when it comes to my father. I know that when I feel I'm under his spell things are a lot worse than they really are.

Just hate when it all seems to crash.

[leeann]

You need a (((((((((((((((Shaunamarie))))))))))))) Huge hug.

I'm so sorry you are feeling so punky hon. If I could, I'd pop over with some tea and talk and maybe some tidying for ya.

Glad your Doc's got a grip on it all and hopefully pretty soon you'll be feeling better. And see if you can get a call in to the dentist about your poor tooth. (Here's hoping the one antibiotic can get both of those germs!)

Since you are on another antibiotic..and you just had one... keep a watch out for another yeast infection. Antibiotics, as you probably know, can throw off our normal bacterial balances; while they are killing off the bad stuff they sometimes kill off the good stuff.

So you might want to get some OTC meds in the house to go ahead and start another round of a three day yeast treatment. But use it only after you are done with the antibiotic(s).

So great that you understand where your thoughts are coming from and that your meds might not be working optimally while you're on the antibiotics. I know you feel like crud.. but your thinking is aces.

Good for you girl!

So go easy for a bit and pamper yourself when you can. Give your body some time to heal up properly. And as soon as you are feeling better.. you can give your apartment a good cleaning. Until then... it will wait til you feel better.

Keep us posted on how you are doing hon.

leeann

[shauna marie]

Leeann,

I doubt anyone would want to tidy this place up right now. Who knows what--or who--you'd find. lol

ty for your sweet reply though. (((((leann)))))

It will take the two antibiotics. I will be having my teeth taken out, but they can't do it until October 6th.

My godfather's wife (who is also a pharmacist) has suggested this type of OTC medicine that will help to keep me from getting other infections.

I'm feeling better though.

Thing is this. Sunday, I prayed for my mom to help me. I've been feeling rotten, for obvious reasons. And I knew there was something in the tests that I had done, I just didn't know what. I found out on Monday that it was only a bladder infection and I noticed yesterday that there were three jobs on our job bank that I qualify for. Also, there's another woman who is offering me a job. Well, she's "holding interviews". For someone who is "holding interviews", she's going through a LOT of trouble to contact me. (Calling, emailing, etc.)

Hmm...angels abound?

[leeann]

Hmm...angels abound?

Oh yeah.. Angels do very much abound in my experience.

Mom's not far away hon. She's right there within ya and she's going to be looking out for sure. That's the thing.. love never dies. It goes on forever.

Hope you continue to feel better.

leeann

[shauna marie]

ty for your reply, Leann. (((((hugs)))))

Bad news is my tooth infection just isn't getting any better and I fear I may need a stronger antibiotic.

I have, however, started to set small daily goals for myself, even though I'm not feeling well. Today is to do my laundry.

Good thing "My Friends Tigger and Pooh" is on in a minute. I need a pick-me-up.

[shauna marie]

Well, Pooh must have worked 'cuz I ended up going out of my apartment three times today. I also met my goal of doing laundry and beat it by cleaning my bathroom. *does the clean bathroom happy dance*

Now I think it's getting close to bedtime. Oh, and I finished my book and started another one.

Now I think I need to beat my goal again and get a shower. Not sure, I might not bother because I'm just going to have to get one again in the morning.

And I think my anti's just might work. *crosses fingers*

Shauna

[leeann]

This is great Shauna.. glad you are feeling a bit better. And yes.. here's hoping the antibiotics work for you and get rid of those infections pronto.

I did laundry today too. Among other things.. lol

But I know what you mean.. Nothing like feeling better and getting up and around again after being sick. And I completely understand the "clean bathroom dance". LOL

The goal setting is a great idea. Just keep those goals within reach and if you can't fulfill them one day.. it's ok. You'll get to it.

Wishing you a good and restful weekend.

leeann

[shauna marie]

Good job on doing the laundry.

Ok, good news is, the anti's seem to have been working.

The other good news is that summer seems to be hurting just a little bit less.

The bad news is my back. It has gotten considerably worse. I can barely move from room to room now. It hurts all the time, sleeping, walking, sitting. Getting up has become a chore I'm not looking forward to. Nothing, and I mean nothing, is touching the pain.

It could be PMS. For some reason, that's why I become more sensitive. It is when I get severe pain that nothing can touch. Usually it's my mouth, but it's all in my back. I'm hoping it's that.

The woman who seemed to be chasing me for a job has stopped. It really is ok, the job was a cleaning one that I don't think I could have done. But I wish I could find a job. I'm sick of not working. I also have a worry that if I don't find a job in my area, I'll be forced to move away.

There's one other thing that I would like to talk about. There's a guy in town that I've been sort of chasing for about six months now. He's a cab driver. Now, I'm not crazy about it (I don't think.) He seems to sort of be interested in me. He is just a really nice guy. We seem to sort of share each other during our short cab rides. He knows about bwankie. lol I have a Pooh blanket that I am absolutely attached to. I don't share bwankie with most though, too afraid of being made fun of. He knows I love Pooh. He knows I am a sook and he knows that I missed my godfather when he was away. He actually knows me better than most. He's also seen me at my worst and at my best.

The problem? There are times I can't talk to him. (Trust me, it was a LONG time before he was able to break the ice to begin with.) There are times that I can't even look at him. I see him driving in town and can't even wave half the time. I know, I can't completely de-ice myself since I know that I could be rejected and he's such a great guy that I would be hurt and feel stupid for thinking that we could have something when he really wasn't interested. He has a job, doesn't lie, he does have a daughter that I know he takes responsibility for (and even her mother, though I don't think he really likes much anymore lol), doesn't have a million tattoos, has the cutest curly hair that is of one length and is kept neat, doesn't wear tank tops, and can spell. And seems to be interested in me...or just acts it.

I haven't told him about my mother yet. One reason, I don't want to scare him away. I don't want to tell him about how I lost both parents in less than two years and I don't really want to tell him about how I really deal at times. However, he is the first person that I've cared about since I lost my mom. He's the first piece of hope I have that there is one good thing to losing my mom. Ironically, he isn't from here either. And he moved here because his father's family is around here. (Same reason I moved here.)

Wow, I don't know the whole point of any of this.

Ok, I think it's nappie time. Hopefully my back will work itself out. I doubt it though. I did start to go through withdrawal from my meds and that only seems to happen during PMS. I forgot to take them yesterday and my body was screaming this morning. Sometimes taking those helps pain.

Shauna

[shauna marie]

Well, the dreaded yeast infection has made its appearance.

I am actually rather confused as to why I keep getting so many infections. Sure, I've had tooth infections, yeast infections (just one, I think), and a bladder infection (again, just one) over the course of my life, but NEVER this many.

I know this isn't anything any of you can help with, even my own doctor and pharmacists don't think there's a connection. It's since I've started on my new medications for my bipolar that I started getting so sick.

I've been on many, many different antibiotics for tooth infections over the year and NEVER had one cause a yeast infection. It's also never taken three antibiotics to kill a bladder infection either.

But here is a rundown from the last few months--

December 17th, started new meds.

February--Got sick with first bladder infection. Those meds didn't work, had to be placed on another.

Was given the clear that my bladder infection was gone. It came back three days later, if that.

Then had a nasty tooth infection.

Then ended up with yeast infection.

Then things were fine for a bit.

Middle of June, went to doctor because my teeth were starting to bother me again. Was getting a lot of pain, was put on anti's.

Two weeks later, tooth pain returned, went back on anti's. (Neither time was an infection though, just horrific pain with PMS.)

Yeast infection number two showed up the middle of the month. A week later, Swimmer's Ear popped up. A week after that, had bladder infection and then tooth infection.

And now back to yeast infection number three.

I've had blood tests. Physically, there's nothing wrong with me. I still live in the same apartment I've lived in for two years almost. I'm not doing anything differently...except for the medications.

Yet, because all of the infections aren't ones that can just be picked up by a virus, it can't really be blamed by a bad immune system. Unless the medications are lowering my immune system and therefore the germs are finding it easier to attack. There has to be a connection somewhere.

Just no one can seem to find it.

[mlg]

Since you say that you have had blood tests, I hope one of them was for diabetis. A lot of these symptoms are associated with that. Ask your Dr. if he tested you for it.

I feel your pain with your back since I have had 2 surgeries. You don't realize what all you use your back muscles for (like brushing your teeth).

I pray that you will soon feel better and be able to enjoy life. Is there a job that you are qualified for that you could do from home? I know a lot of businesses have transcription, accounting, and other things that they will at least let you work parttime at home.

Good luck.

Mary Linda

[leeann]

Oh Shauna I would just echo what Mlg said here about getting yourself checked out for diabetes. Why not ask your Doc about it? One other thing I was thinking about while reading your post was Fibromyalgia.. have you ever been screened for that?

One thing that we all might want to think about it is grief itself can wear anyone's body down.

For me..I find when I'm in the midst of a crisis.. I survive kinda on adrenaline I guess and rarely get ill. Once the crisis passes... my body reacts. When things have calmed down a bit is when I start getting colds/viruses etc. Kinda like a delayed reaction type thing.

So in a way I'm not surprised you are getting all kinds of things now.

Also with the yeast.. sometimes it isn't the particular antibiotic that causes the yeast infection to occur. It may be that since you have been on so many courses of anti-biotics this year that you are now having trouble with yeast infections; in other words.. the anti-biotics are having a cummulative effect in bringing on the yeast. They perhaps have thrown your normal bacterial balance off. And hopefully once you get finished with the anti-biotics and treat the yeast you will be done with them for awhile.

So go easy with your body.. make sure you are getting enough sleep and are eating well and drinking enough water. Pace yourself energy-wise. Try to sneak in a walk here & there too. With your back I know that is tough. I have put mine out badly several times. (The heating pad and I are very close now.. ) But just a small walk outside might make you feel a bit better.

As for your cab driver friend.. just take it as it goes. I wouldn't worry about not being able to talk to him at times. Heck we are all like that with our friends at times. But just do what feels comfortable for you and try not to worry about it or over think it. And good friends kinda take us as we are.. so.. try not to sweat it.

But it is nice that you have him for a friend right now.

As for working.. do you have any employment assistance programs up there? Or maybe any temporary job agencies?? Maybe they could help you find something?

Hope your back improves and that you start feeling much better overall real soon.

leeann

[mlg]

I thought of something else that might help your back. You don't give your age and it you are young it may sound stupid, but the last time I was bad enough to have physical therapy on my back they wanted me to use a cane or walker for a while. Being a "young 58" at the time I resisted. In early June I again hurt my back at the ripe old age of 60 and knew that I couldn't get down since I am now by myself, so I pulled out my grandma's walker and it has really helped. This is the first week that I haven't used it at all because longer walks like a block or so would make it feel strained. I even used it to walk laps in Relay for Life. You might be amased. Just if you borrow one from someone else and it hasn't been fitted to you try to find someone to help you fit it to you because otherwise you can get your shoulders out of "wack" too. If you need help post and I'll try to walk you through it.

Good luck.

Mary Linda

[shauna marie]

(((((mary linda))))) (((((leeann)))))

Thank you both for your replies.

I was tested for diabetes just the other week. It's normal. A high normal, but still normal.

I'm 30.

I haven't been tested with fibromyalgia and I honestly don't think I'd want to be. My mom had that...well, was diagnosed after she died, and I absolutely REFUSE to have any association with chronic pain.

There's a reason why I get so freaked out with the infections and back pain. The infections leave me depressed and down, can't sleep, and only one way to deal with them and that's by abusing medications. The back pain is because of my mother. I cannot tell you how many doctors she seen over it and I know it just completely tore me apart that she wouldn't take their advice and would just go back to the ER complaining of the pain without trying anything. I mentioned my back to two doctors, complained about it to two pharmacists. That isn't me. I prefer to keep my pain quiet.

I should mention, but forgot to, that the second round of infections came about just after I had my meds upped.

The good news is this--now that I'm infection free (for now), I can see how the upper dosage of my Effexor is making a big difference. One thing is that I was often called stupid, dumb, or retarded by more than one person. It got to the point where even last year I was thinking I should be living in a group home for people who are, excuse me for saying this wrong--feel free to correct me with the right term--mentally challenged and should be working at a place with them. It took months and I mean MONTHS to get me out of that mindset. I finally realized that there IS a difference between me and them. I can grow, where most of them are probably at their highest level of achievement. Sure, I don't always know the "right" way to act.

And I have a question...anyone want to go dancing? That's right, I think I can dance now. My back is pretty much better. If I had to rate it from even this morning, it would have gotten about a 100 on a scale of 1-10, ten being the highest. Now it's about a 3. A little uncomfortable--but that's ok.

It's so true how much you use your back. Heck, I couldn't even turn my head at some points.

leeann...Yeah, it's good that I have a friend. But you want to know something? This is how I imagined falling in love. Not with someone who I went out with not knowing anything about them, but someone that I know stuff about. Someone that I have a solid foundation with already. And I guess right now wouldn't be the best time to become involved. Not with the three year mark coming up before I know it. I do have to say that I'm handling summer better now.

Thank you both again for your replies. I sometimes feel so alone, now, mind you, that is pretty much brought on by myself. I don't like to air my dirty laundry to people in real life. Too afraid of rejection. But I've more or less been having problems connecting with others. So thanks again.

Edited August 1, 2008 by shauna marie

[mlg]

I'm glad Leeann and I could help you. You are not airing dirty laundry. You are opening up to "friends". Maybe you can't see us but maybe that is easier for you. Keep telling us how you feel so maybe we can help more.

I'm glad your back feels better too. I hope it continues because then maybe you would feel like you could get even a parttime job that may boost you even more.

Good luck

Mary Linda

[shauna marie]

Eh, back is not good again. Grr.

At this point I am sure it's PMS. For some reason, I get aches and pains wherever in my body during it. Well, my whole body just becomes sensitive. It's when allergies act up, asthma is much worse (had to use my inhaler like three times already today, not usual), and I really, really taste food. I made some noodles before and could actually taste the water over the milk and noodles.

Either that, or it's emotional pain coming out in the form of physical pain. I guess I have a long post ahead of me tomorrow. Need to get some stuff off my chest, just kind of scared, too.

Shauna

[leeann]

(((((Shauna)))))) Hugs to you and so sorry that back of yours is still acting up. Could be the PMS and soon enough that will hopefully pass for you.

And I know down here at least the allergies have been horrendous and many folks are having trouble with asthma as well because of it. Course the thick air and humidity probably isn't helping here either.

Sure I think that emotional pain can manifest itself in our bodies too. I know I have had that happen to me.

But you are still doing it kiddo.. and you are doing pretty well despite feeling so punky.

So get some rest and then, sure, come on back and get things off your chest.

Sleep well hon.

leeann

[shauna marie]

Thanks again for your replies. (((((mary))))) (((((leeann)))))

Actually, I think, leeann, you're probably more right about the possibility of fibromyalgia than anything. I've wondered over the years if I have it. The one reason I won't get diagnosed or even see a doctor about it is because of my mom. I think that would be too painful for my brothers and myself. Though it's been almost three years, I still have nightmares to my mom crying. Not as frequent, thankfully.

Back seems better. *crosses fingers* I finally found something that helps. The A-353 stuff that you rub on. If I put it on before I go to sleep, I wake up with little or no pain at all. I was using it, but not much. I also think I was putting too little on. Not sure why, but if I put it on any other part of my body it would immediately start burning. But if I put it over the sore spot, it would do nothing. So I started putting more on and then I started feeling pain from the heat. Man, that is horrible pain, too. Literally feels like my back is on fire.

Finally starting to clean--some.

I'm finally starting to lose a lot of the guilt. Sure, there are things that I think could have been done differently--but you know what? The reality is they just couldn't be. Oh, guilt over my parent's deaths. I'm not giving myself enough credit. I'm thinking that there's something that I could have done, but that would have meant changing the people that they were before I was even born and changing things that happened to them. I didn't cause it so I couldn't fix it. Trying to fix it would have probably had the same outcome in the end. In order for things to have been fixed, it would have meant changing a lot of things in their lives.

Those things probably would have killed them and possibly taken away some of their pride.

I can't explain this change and I don't know where it's coming from. Even my moods, which normally are so impossible for me to deal with, are getting better. I'm a lot more even, probably the most even I've been in a long time.

Mind you, I'll probably write a post tomorrow with a completely different story.

[leeann]

Oh I'm glad the back thing seems to respond better now to the salve. Here's hoping that continues for you. If & when you need to see a Doc for it.. when you are ready to go.. you will.

About the other thoughts.. yes you are right.. you couldn't fix them. They were the only ones who could have done that.

You can only change you.. so yup.. probably nothing you ever could have done to have a different outcome for your parents because.. simply it wasn't yours to do. It was theirs.

Now it's about you and your life and how you want that to go for yourself. And you are getting there a bit at a time.

So wonderful to hear you are feeling "even" and more balanced. And take it for as long as that lasts and know when you aren't feeling so great sometime in the future.. we ALL have those times and you will get through that too and get back to feeling better again.

Did some cleaning myself today and realized.. clearly.. I'm not as young as I used to be. LOL I am having trouble with tendonitis in my elbow..again. (And no I don't play tennis.. if only...lol) Scrubbing probably wasn't a smart move for me today.. but I did it.. and I'll be wearing that hot neoprene brace for a few days to 'pay' from my scrubbing today. But.. I'll live.

leeann

[shauna marie]

(((((leeann)))))

I had to laugh about the bit of not playing tennis.

That was like when I got Swimmer's Ear. I kind of looked at the doctor and said, "But I haven't been swimming?"

Yeah, the pain in my back is now a cramp in my left hip. Kind of like a Charley's Horse (wherever do they come up with such names???), but kind of right where my leg is connected so it's bugging me. It doesn't hurt, per se, but it hurts.

I am glad that I got the back pain though. I now realize that I can have the exact problems as my mother and not react the same way. The back pain really freaked me out, obviously. But I soon realized that there were many things that I could do about it. I wasn't able to clean, but I could have hired a cleaning person to come in. I couldn't walk, but there are wheelchairs. (I was thinking on a worst case scenario, btw. If you haven't noticed, I like to solve problems before I get them. )

But, those things won't be necessary for me. Can't say they wouldn't be options for you right now though. Sorry to hear that you've hurt yourself while cleaning. And yes, you'll live. I don't know about you, but sometimes I like the fact that my biggest problem of the day is a little body pain.

I also kind of cried tonight while watching So You Think You Can Dance. It's the second last show of the year and it's just sad that it is the last time I'll see these guys. I started watching it somewhat the first year, but my mom was getting sicker so I kind of lost interest. I didn't watch seasons two or three, but started watching four about halfway in.

I have to say I'm enjoying summer. There are days that I don't, but compared to last year?

I wonder if I'm not ready to say goodbye to my mom. I wonder if that mourning period is over. It kind of makes me sad. But I know it's what she would want. I know she's happy to be with my dad and out of pain. The weather has been really nuts lately. Cloudy, then sunny, then pouring rain. Yesterday it started to rain. I went to the bathroom for two minutes, if that, and when I came out the sun was shining again. I think it's my mom sending me a message to get on with my life now.

Sorry, totally babbling on and on. (Shocker.) But I think I'm getting my act together to some degree and getting a handle on things. And staying infection free. *crosses fingers*

[shauna marie]

Well, an update.

Back is better, hip is better.

And I know what is causing the bladder infections.

Baths.

Yes, I know it's been suggested to me over and over again. I was thinking all along it was because of my medications. However, I now recall that when I was home in December, I'd been taking some baths. It took me over a month to be diagnosed with a bladder infection, so I'd since forgotten that.

Same thing happened in June, too. Again, it took a while for me to remember that I'd been taking baths.

I had a couple of baths this week, to help my sore legs. Even put some bubble bath in. Big no-no.

So went to the doctor and was basically chewed out by the nurse. She was very, very rude. I guess probably because we'd already had that conversation about what I "should" be doing. She doesn't realize that with my bipolar I have my own little world and I don't always see things the way normal people do.

I called her several names every time she left the room.

Then she brought the doctor in and repeated to him every single thing that I haven't been doing.

IF I could do the test at home, believe me, I would. IF I didn't need to see a doctor, believe me, I wouldn't. It was also frustrating, because I didn't realize what was causing them. Oh, and if the *coughs* had bothered to look at my file, she'd realize that I had a lot more going on than worrying about drinking cranberry juice each day.

Anyway, all better now. lol

Shauna

[father's daughter]

Dear Shauna,

All my life I've been involved in alternative medicine. As I read about your infections and antibiotics, I would like to suggest you try to take some probiotics. Without going into details, they balance your intestinal flora and thus help to combat infections. (Antibiotics destroy the good flora) You can buy them anywhere - any pharmacy and they are not expensive. You should take them 2-3 hours apart from your other mediations. It might take a while for them to kick in but you will be surprised how much better you'll feel.

Father's Daughter