Back From Hospital

[teny]

Hellow my friends.After a strugle of 15 days in hospital I drove my mother back home.I was happy she survived but deep in my heart I felt that I wished that Yiany was in her place.Whys are back and reading some of your posts with your feelings of whysI know I have no answers.I was hoping that in my second year I gould feel a little stronger.Summer is over my life has not any real meaning exept of taking care of my mother.I miss him soo much..During the day im lost and when night comes I take my pills and wish that pain will get better the next day.Some of you say that GOD knows.What was wrong to spare us this pain? What was HIS reason for our sufering?I never asked for more than Yianys love and some more years on earth together.Life? what now?Thanks for beeing here for me .YOur far away friend .TENY

[Jan Thurman]

Teny, I don't know you but I have been reading your postings and I do feel your pain. I ask myself the same questions. My husband died at 68 and I am left with my 90 year old mother. I am trying not to feel bitter that he went and she didn't. Now my husbands 26 year old nephew died last Friday. Was a marine and did 2 tours in Iraq didn't get hurt. Got married 3 weeks ago. I didn't feel like going to the wedding. They came home from their honeymoon and he got killed in a car accident. Now, on Saturday, I have to go to his funeral. Again, I ask why, but get no answers like you. Are there no support groups where you are or have you already tried that. This is my second session with my support group and in this session I have met a lady that lost her husband 8 months ago (mine is 6) and we have become friends and I am trying to help her through this. It his helping me to help her. What is weird is that her husband and my husband were so much alike. Funny how things happen. I do hope it gets better for you. Take care. Jan

[MartyT]

Jan, dear, you have discovered a very important key to your own healing. Read this passage from Louis LaGrand's wonderful book, Love Lives On: Learning from the Extraordinary Encounters of the Bereaved:

Finding Healing in Giving

It is one of those beautiful compensations of life that no one

can sincerely try to help another without helping himself.

– Ralph Waldo Emerson

It’s easy to overlook the importance of giving (something embraced by almost all of the major spiritual traditions in the world), especially when you’re in the grips of mourning. But I believe that once you start, you’ll realize just how much you have to give – which will in turn allow your inner strength to come to light. Aches and pains have a way of disappearing; peace and comfort have a way of coming back.

Allan Luks, author of The Healing Power of Doing Good, conducted a study of more than three thousand volunteers from big cities to rural areas and found that 95 percent of those who had regular contact with people they helped experienced an inner feeling that he dubbed the “helper’s high.” (Recent studies have shown this high to be the result of an increase in the “feel good” neurotransmitter serotonin. Kindness was shown to raise serotonin levels and strengthen the immune system in both the giver, and incredibly, the receiver, too.) Over the long run the experience of helping translated into greater self-worth, stress reduction, and similar long-term health benefits to those resulting from medication or simple relaxation. Luks found the increased social ties developed through service enhanced the server’s emotional and physical health. Further research has shown that those who regularly help others reap the benefits of reduced depression, less fatigue, fewer headaches and backaches, an increased sense of control, and more general satisfaction with life. These findings suggest, as I believe, that our self-worth is not merely a product of people telling us that we are important or wonderful. Rather, it is the result of the things we do, the way we sincerely contribute to the world. Human suffering is everywhere, but in doing your part to reduce it, you can simultaneously reduce your pain. Your altruistic behavior will not only help others, but also light the fire of inner peace that will lead to a healthier you. You’ll find giving to be an antidote for the sense of powerlessness that accompanies your losses. And it is through giving that you will find yourself again, manage your sorrow, free yourself from isolation, and bring intimacy back into your life.

Now, I don’t expect all this giving to happen immediately after the loss of your loved one. You’re going to need some time to grieve on your own, to do some of the inner work we talked about in earlier chapters. But when the time is right, when your wounds are not as raw, you will be able to reach out and give back. You will confront – either consciously or unconsciously – the pivotal question all mourners eventually face: “Will I be loss oriented or restoration oriented?” Will you make your sorrow your way of life, or will you choose a path to peace? Will you be a prisoner of your own thoughts, or will you find freedom through service? Are you content with only being wounded, or will you become a wounded healer? Remember, you don’t have to feel like giving to be an effective giver. Knowing you’re doing the right thing, even when you have to push yourself to do it, is of greater value to your healing. For that’s commitment at its highest level. Deep within, when you review your day, you will feel a sense of accomplishment and gain.

Source: Love Lives On: Learning from the Extraordinary Encounters of the Bereaved, © 2006 by Louis LaGrand, Ph.D., pp 187-188

[Jan Thurman]

Yes, that is exactly how it is making me feel to help this other person. Thank you for emailing that to me. Jan