Jan Thurman

Thank you all very much for thinking of me. I did not see it until today as I have alot going on with moving and with my mom in a foster home so I haven't been logging on lately. My daughter, me and my grandson did a little memorial. My son-in-law had to work. It was a dreary showery day but we went down to the river where we had put Dale's ashes. We walked out onto the bridge across the Siuslaw. I had written Dale a letter so I tore it up in tiny pieces and threw it in the river. Then I had bought a dozen roses and we pulled all the petals off and threw them in the river. Then I popped the top on a can of Coors Beer which was the only brand my husband drank. Then the sun started shining. I took a couple of swigs of beer (which I hate the taste of) and then poured the rest into the river. At that very moment a bird sang. I said to my daughter is that a bird singing she said yes, and I think it is dad thanking you for the beer. We walked through the campground for a ways and talked and then we went to the Gingerbread House where we always used to stop and eat on the way to the coast and had lunch. I am in my 4th support session and I go out with my new friend that I met in my second support group session who lost her husband just over a year ago. We belong to a knitting group and I am knitting like crazy. I find it so relaxing. I just want to get this moving over and done. Not sure if my mom will ever be able to come home and live with me - but even if she can I am really not ready to look after someone yet I'm still trying to look after myself and until then she will have to stay in the foster home. It is a wonderful place and I have no worries with her being taken care of. Again, thank you for your thoughts and I hope all of you are getting through this terrible journey that we all are on. Jan

I want to start a list of the couples here...I could name many of them but don't want to leave anyone out, so please add your name and the name of the spouse you lost...I want to pray for each of you in this new year. Kay and George Erica and Walter Scott and Kate Tom and Mary Linda Janet and Mike Corinne and Jimmy Jeanne and Alex Derek and Karen Rosemary and Lou Bob and Janet Jean and Walter Bob and Mel Teny and Yiany Mark and Julie Harry & Sherry Wendy and Steve Jack and John Karen and Jack Jan and Dale

Hello, I'm sure glad someone else is feeling the same way I have been feeling. That is why I haven't even wrote anything on here. Alot of people on here have so many other problems besides losing their spouse that mine seem so small, but to me at this time in my life any problem seems big. What with trying to cope with the first holidays without my husband of 40 years it is very hard to cope with everything that is going on in the world. We would always discuss everything and no matter how bad it would get (financially) for us I would always say to him - it might be bad right now but we have each other - and now I can't say that and I just get so sad. Also, my 90 year old mother fell and fractured her arm at the shoulder. I could've handled it so much better if he was here beside me but I just fell apart and my daughter has had to handle most of it. She is doing pretty good now and is in rehab close to where I work so I am able to go and see her every day. Then there has been the weather - snow and ice that I am not used to driving in. When it got that bad my husband would take me to work and pick me up. Now I have to get through it on my own. I feel I can't talk to people about how I feel because they seem to look at me and I see them thinking - it's been 9 months get over it. I haven't done any christmas shopping and didn't even decorate the office like I usually do. I just can't. I told my boss yesterday, if one more person says to me have a wonderful christmas I'm going to kill my self. I wouldn't, but you just want to yell at them and say how can I. I made a friend in my last support group session and she called and left a message and asked if I was okay because of my mom but I haven't even felt like calling her and talking about how I feel as I don't want to upset her as I'm sure she is not feeling in the christmas spirit. So I'm glad to know that it is not just me that feel this way. Thanks for listening. Jan

I was wondering if anyone else is feeling the way I am lately. In the beginning I guess I was numb to everything else that was going on around me other than the death of my husband. But once that numbness wore off and you are back to reality with the economy, financial stresses, working and my mothers alzeihmers I feel that I don't have time to grieve and it is stalling the process and getting me stressed out about it. My daughter who has been my rock through all this had her hours cut in her job and is trying to find work to make up those hours so she has been very stressed lately and every time I have felt that I needed to sit and talk to her about her dad she either has so much to do or I feel that she is too busy to listen to me that I don't even try. She said that she feels so bad that she can't be there for me right now but that she has alot going on in her own life and I definitely understand that. I do have my support group but there is such a large group this time that you don't have very long to pour your heart out. I have made a friend from the group - a lady that lost her husband about the same time I lost mine. We went out to dinner the other nite and talked for a couple of hours. That was nice. A person in my group mentioned that his marriage is falling apart and is causing him so much grief that he can't grieve his son dying properly because of the stress of his marriage and that made me think of how I feel with all the other stresses in my life now. Thanks for listening. Jan

Today is 8 months for me and on Saturday it will be his birthday. I had a really big melt down last nite. But I got my journal and wrote him a letter. Afterwards I felt better. Then today I went on to myfamily where the Thurman family has a web page. His birthday came up so I clicked on it and saw that alot of the family had gone on to wish him a happy birthday. I started crying again but because when he was alive he never got a call to wish him a happy birthday from any of his nieces and nephews who were on the webpage wishing him a happy birthday. On Saturday (his birthday) my daughter said let's go out for the day to the movies and to the mall with my grandson so that will help. Also my husband always cooked for Thanksgiving. He loved to do it. We don't want to cook so my daughter has planned a trip away for us and we will go out for Thanksgiving Dinner. Jan

It was one that my mom bought for him and I never did like it anyway so maybe that was also my reasoning. Our dog sleeps on his side and she is such a creature of habit that I would be in trouble if I changed that part of her routine. ha ha. Her world was turned upside down so much also that she was on tranquilizers for a while also. We are both off of them now so that is something good. I have not been on this site very long but I just wanted to say, Wendy, that I am glad that you have found someone. I think you are much younger than me. I am 61 and was married for 40 years for the second time - so I have literally been married all my adult life so this is very strange. But goodluck to you in your new adventure. Jan

No, this was not my husbands recliner. I had to get rid of that one as everytime I looked at it I saw him sitting there and it upset me too much. Jan

I'm glad to see that someone else has been sleeping in a recliner. It will be 8 months next month and I have finally started sleeping in our bed. Our dog is also glad that I'm back in there. It is still hard but I make myself get up and go in there. I also get a better nites sleep. I have changed my room around once and bought 2 different comforters. I'm still thinking about changing the room again but not sure. But for now I'm glad that I am back in there. Jan

Thank you all for trying to answer my question. I know this is a hard subject to talk about and I hope I didn't upset anyone. I will take all of your views on the subject and have them try to help me through this deep dark hole they call grief. I will continue to read the book I was told to read and see if that sheds any light on the subject. I feel all of your pain as I know you all feel mine. This is a journey I never thought I would be on until (like I said before) in our 80's or 90's but I am and I must get through it somehow. My support group starts again on November 5th right before my husbands birthday on the 8th so I am looking forward to that. This is my 3rd session. Thank you all again for taking the time to answer my post. Jan

I feel for you. My husband died the same way on March 4th. He was retired and I went to work, like I always did, and said goodbye see you later. A few hours later I got a call that he had collapsed at the place he used to work as he used to go by and see them. When I got to the hospital he was in a coma on life support. For a week they did the cooling down and warming up to see if he would come out of it. I truly believed that he would. I was so medicated that I really don't remember much. They said that after the week I said to take him off life support but I could've said cut my arms off and I wouldn't have known the difference. As you said in the weeks following that moment that the person called me on the phone played over like a movie in my mind - over and over and over again. Right now I am going to deal with his birthday coming up on November 8 and then, of course, the holidays. I too feel like it is getting worse but not better but I read alot of the other posts that say it will get better and that is what I have to believe. Like you say, if you have to go on like that until November 17 you will feel insane. My thoughts are with you - you are not crazy - if you are we all are. And, yes, they do say that if the death is unexpected like our husbands were it is alot worse. I was married 40 years - but be it 10, 20, 30 or 40 it all feels the same. Jan

I have never been a religious person. But it seems that when you have such a tradegy in your life like losing a husband of 40 years that you seem to turn that way because you are looking for an answer. In every thing that I seem to read and also in the book that I was told to start reading (You're Late Again Lord) it talks about the plan that God has in store for you. Why I get so upset is that I was completely happy with my old plan - being with the love of my life until we were, say, 90 years old (not just 60). So why take my wonderful plan away and make me so miserable because He has a plan for me and I must not be impatient I have to wait and see what it is. I was completely happy being married, in my cozy little house, with my cozy little life, and my wonderful husband so why make me so miserable and make my cozy little house cold and my cozy little life upside down and take my wonderful husband which leaves a great big hole inside me that I feel will never heal. Does anyone have an answer for me. Thank you. Jan

I have asked the same questions. What did I do, what have I done. They were all going to be there for me when it happened but then poof they all disappear. Even though sometimes I don't know how I have got up to go to work I believe that it was the best thing for me. Do you work. I am 61 and we were married 40 years - like you a long time. Do you have any family in the area. It is weird that the one person that has not left me is my husband's ex-wife. We spoke the other nite for 2 hours. She emails me all the time to see how I'm doing and calls me. We have always been friends. Well not always (ha ha) I was the other woman (ha ha) I have known her since I was 12 and used to babysit for them (ha ha). Hope that gave you a little smile. My husband was 7 years older than me. Have you been to a support group. I will start my 3 session on November 5. They take a month off after every session and I have truly missed it. Jan

No, it is not you. The same thing has happened to me. I am only into 8 months but feel like it is getting much worse and not better. I know I have said this before but my own brother-in-law and his wife (my best bud) have been over once for 10 minutes in 8 months - have never asked me to dinner - have never asked me out to dinner. No one comes and sees me or calls. If it wasn't for my daughter that lives on the next property and for my work I would see no one and talk to no one. My husband's sister lives across the street from me and she never comes over. I went over to her house the other nite just for someone different to talk to. Seemed so glad to see me but then never comes over to me. I can't give you a reason but I can let you know that it is not you - many people on this website have told me the same thing has happened to them. I just hope this get's easier but I don't know. Take Care. Jan

Tears, I am so sorry. That happened to me. It was not my stepson. I don't know what I would do if it did happen to my stepson as we are very close. But my husband died on March 4th. In August we were supposed to be going to his nephew's wedding but I just didn't feel up to it being that my life had been turned upside down. So he got married and they went to Fiji on their honeymoon and a week later he got killed in a car accident. He was a Marine and had done 2 tours in Iraq and not a scratch on him. They were married for 3 weeks. I did go to the funeral as I was sure that my husband wanted me to go but it was close to where I lived. All I would think of is at least I had 40 years with my husband but she only had 3 weeks. Take care. My thoughts are with you. Jan

Hello Barb, so very sorry for your loss. This is a great website to belong to but if there is a grief support group in your area that you can attend I would greatly suggest it. I am starting my 3rd session with my support group on November 5th and it has helped me so much. My husband died on March 4, 2008 I felt that I was doing well but now have felt like I have taken some backward steps and as I have read on this site that is natural especially as I have his birthday on Nov. 8th and then the holidays. We were married 40 years. Keep coming back to this site with any questions that you may have and you will always get kind and sincere answer. Take Care. Jan

No it is not fair to any of us. I did not think that I would be widowed at 61 but here I am wondering what is going to happen. I have to keep reminding myself that I have to take it one day at a time. The one thing that I just can't get over is his brother and his wife (my best bud) as we were always known as have only visited me once for 10 minutes in almost 8 months since my husband died. Never call me, have never asked me over for dinner or out to dinner. Have never asked me is there anything that you need help with (as I live on 1-1/2 acres)- nothing. They only live 15 minutes away. I know I keep asking this same question over and over again. We were very close when my husband was alive so what's the problem. I know when I ask this I do get alot of reponses saying that I am not the only one but for some reason I still don't get it. I really don't think that I would act this way if the shoe was on the other foot. Also, has anyone read (I think this is the title) You're Late Again Lord. I have been told that I need to read this book. Any thoughts? Thanks. Jan

I agree with all of you. There is just one thing that keeps me going. It started with the death of my father. He was only 59. We imigrated from England when I was 12. It was a wonderful experience. In those days you had to have a job, someone to sponser you and you had to have a certain amount of money to come to this country. We couldn't believe how wonderful it was. That was back in 1960. The good old days. We were a middle class family but life was so much better than in England. Back then you weren't bombarded with what you had to put away for retirement. My mom and dad enjoyed camping so we belonged to a trailer group and went camping just about every weekend and had wonderful times. We also took the usual 2 week vacations every year. When my dad died at the age of 59 completely unexpectely my mom had so many happy memories of what they had done and where they had traveled (even though it was only in the U.S. as my dad didn't like to fly). So when my husband and I had our own business, plus I was working, in the 70's money was good. But I just couldn't think of saving for retirement because if my parents had done that my dad would never have retired and enjoyed it. Call me crazy I guess. But my husband and I did things. We went on those 2 week wonderful vacations with my daughter and his children, we went on cruises, I took him on a mystery weekend trip once a month, every month. Would never tell him where we were going just to be home at 5:00 on a Friday nite. He enjoyed every place that I surprised him with whether it be flying to Reno to watch his favorite country western singer, or to a remote bed and breakfast in a town that he had never heard of. I had many relatives that came over from England and he wanted to show them the best time ever. We did just that and they went back to England with such wonderful memories of America. We were able to do this for at least 15 years but then he was in a terrible truck accident. We just about lost everything and almost him. He was able to work after that but we lost our business and we never did climb out of the hole that it put us in but we managed. But he was always able to look back on those years and it kept us going through the hard times. Now those memories are keeping me going. I maybe struggling now financially, especially now with all that is going on in the world, but I feel that it would be much much worse for me if I didn't have those memories tucked away to bring out now and then to make me smile. Maybe I would be sitting with a nice size nest egg but no husband to enjoy it with and no great memories. Thank you for listening to a small part of my life and I hope some of you have some happy memories like I have that can make you smile on this terrible journey called grief. Jan

KayC, thank you for replying and making me feel that I'm not the only one. But I was in this family for 40 years. That is a long time. I was not only married to my husband for 40 years I have known the whole family since I was 12 years old. It is sad to see this happen. I don't think my husband and I would have been that way if it had been his brother that had died. I do hope your problems get better soon. Life is too short to be miserable. Jan

I am at a loss and I don't think I'm in the mood to ask them the question. My husband and I were always going over to his brother and wife's house for dinner. They would come over our house for dinner. We would go out to dinner. They would stop buy to see us and us the same. Then my husband died. It was 7 months October 4th. They only live 15 minutes away. They have been over my house once for about 10 minutes since he died. They have never asked me over for dinner. They have never asked if I wanted to join them out to dinner with other relatives. I have not had anyone over for dinner as I am not in the mood to cook for a dinner group yet. They do not call. My husband was always over there house helping them as they are retired and so was he whereby I work. I think my husband would have felt his brother would have looked out for me and asked if there was anything that I needed help with as I live on 1-1/2 acres. But he has never asked me anything. I have seen them at family functions over the 7 month period (funeral, birthday party, graduation) and we have fun together. I put on a good front when I am there and go home and cry because I missed my husband at the occassion. My brother-in-law did stop by the other day. He would not come in stood out on the patio. Wanted to borrow my husbands crab pot. Did not give me a hug and ask how are you doing. I started talking about I've been feeling a little down lately and all he did was start backing up to leave. So is it just me or does this happen to other people. I am of the feeling that I am the grieving window here and I shouldn't be the one to call, ask them to dinner, or go over there. Thanks for listening. Jan

Yes, that is exactly how it is making me feel to help this other person. Thank you for emailing that to me. Jan

Teny, I don't know you but I have been reading your postings and I do feel your pain. I ask myself the same questions. My husband died at 68 and I am left with my 90 year old mother. I am trying not to feel bitter that he went and she didn't. Now my husbands 26 year old nephew died last Friday. Was a marine and did 2 tours in Iraq didn't get hurt. Got married 3 weeks ago. I didn't feel like going to the wedding. They came home from their honeymoon and he got killed in a car accident. Now, on Saturday, I have to go to his funeral. Again, I ask why, but get no answers like you. Are there no support groups where you are or have you already tried that. This is my second session with my support group and in this session I have met a lady that lost her husband 8 months ago (mine is 6) and we have become friends and I am trying to help her through this. It his helping me to help her. What is weird is that her husband and my husband were so much alike. Funny how things happen. I do hope it gets better for you. Take care. Jan

I to have those feelings. It is natural to feel this way. I don't like to feel this way but you can't help it. But something just happened in our family that makes me say I had 40 years and so many memories and this girl had 3 weeks and very few memories. My husbands nephew - a decorated Marine - 2 tours in Iraq - got married 3 weeks ago. His father was the minister at my husbands memorial service. I was supposed to go to his wedding but I just didn't feel like I could go. But now, this Saturday I will be going to his funeral. He was killed in a car accident last Friday. They had just came home from their honeymoon. At least she has that memory. I'm sure she is asking why like we all have. Jan

KayC I had the same problem yesterday. I was already upset as it was the 6 month anniversary of my husband dying and I was reliving that day in my mind. My daughter had signed us up for Salsa dance lessons for last nite. We used to go to them once a week when my husband was alive and I would come home and tell him what we had learnt that nite. So after the lesson I went home and I think I was already mentally tired from reliving the day it happened, and was also tired from the lesson but I started crying because there was no one to tell about my lesson. I flopped in my chair and fell asleep with my clothes on but woke up all through the nite. Cried all the way to work this morning. Feel like I'm going backwards again. But when I got on here this morning and read everyone's emails I realized that I'm not losing my mind we are all in the same boat and it made me feel better. I don't mean to say that I'm glad everyone is sad and having a rough time but I'm glad I have people to share this with. Jan

I remember that song. You hit the nail on the head that is exactly how we feel. I have been feeling pretty good for a couple of weeks couldn't even cry. My daughter said mom you've been crying for almost 6 months straight it's about time you had a break. But yesterday at work I could feel it coming on. I don't know if it was the Labor Day Holiday but I felt just like it had just happened. Tears kept trickling down my face but I fought them back until I got in the car to go home and then I let it all go. I could barely see how to drive. Cried all the way home. I said to my daughter it must be the 6 month mark which will be Sept. 4th. She said 6 months, 6 years you are still going to miss him after 40 years. It would have been our 40th anniversary the 28th of August and it was my mom's 90th birthday the 29th of August and had to celebrate that even though I really didn't feel like it - then Labor Day holiday so I guess it just all built up inside of me. I slept in the chair last nite as I felt totally exausted but I have been sleeping in my bed since I moved it. It is also upsetting me that football season is starting. He loved to watch football and we always watched it together. Thanks for posting that song and thanks for listing to me ramble. Jan

Having a job, I believe, really helped. Even though in the beginning I don't know how I got up and went to work as I only took 2 weeks off. I also have a daughter that lives on the next property to me and she has helped me tremendously to get through this. Also, joining a grief support group that I go to once a week has really helped. Maybe you should see if there is one in your area. It will be 6 months for me on September 4th. We were married for 40 years. Keeping busy at projects has helped me alot. Also, coming onto this web site or even just reading what people have written even if I haven't felt like writing anything has helped greatly. Good luck in your job search. Jan