The 'energizer Bunny' Of Betrayal

[Maylissa]

***Sighhhhhh***

I wasn't even going to come back to this forum after the last time when I was more or less accused of 'whining' rather than keeping a "stiff upper lip" and to getoveryourself. But because I'm still hurting, I'll give it one more go, just to see if I 'qualify' for any understanding, anywhere. Because in MY family, I surely never do, and I don't really know how to cope with all of this anymore. So...

It just never ends, all the betrayals surrounding my family members' lives and even their deaths. To say I now feel even more "different" than I always have from most other people is a huge understatement, because I'll bet that once again, no one else has ever had THIS happen to them, or to anyone they know. I haven't yet found anyone who has, though I've diligently been asking around, in hopes I won't have to continue to feel so alone and different.

As if it wasn't bad enough that neither my brother, the care home my father was in, nor my father's Public Trustee case manager never even told me he'd died or posted an obit., and I didn't find out on my own until 9 months after the fact...or that the ashes of my Mother, my father, my Aunt and my Uncle, have all been, to date, 'stored' in my brother's closet in their cardboard boxes...or that my brother has stolen every red cent of our parents' AND Aunt & Uncle's sizable estates all for himself and plans on leaving the country (now that he has the funds to do so) for a third-world country (I'll let you all try and figure that last bit out, though I, myself, know)....

...now, I just recently got a voicemail from my Aunt, saying, out of the blue, that she thinks she's found a nice place for my parents' ashes, but has no cremation certificates for my Aunt and Uncle, so they couldn't be formally/legally interred anywhere, and could I find out if their relatives would want their ashes? As if THIS is a normal, everyday message to leave on someone's voicemail, with no explanations, tra-la.

I called my cousin, this Aunt's daughter, to talk to her instead, as this Aunt has mental problems, and I wanted to get the story straight as to how she ended up with all these cremains herself. After over a week of leaving messages, I finally had my call returned...

...just to find out that my brother had recently screamed at our Aunt, "I WANT ALL THESE ASHES OUT OF HERE!!!" (never mind the fact that he now has obscene amounts of money to handle this himself, including but certainly not limited to our parents' Death Benefits) She doesn't even have them yet (failed to tell me that, little detail), but obviously has been busy making plans for them, not even consulting ME, the only immediate family member who had ever cared about where some of them were or would end up.

Okay, fine. I'll just try, once again, to roll with that one, considering my legal hands are so tied anyway.

Oh, but it also turns out that in reality there isn't even a cremation certificate for my Mother, either. That must have been one of the papers my father either threw out or burned, way back when my deceased brother and I were trying to deal with our father's severe dementia...and my remaining brother flatly refused involve himself in order to help us. So...my Mother couldn't legally be interred in this place anyway. Kinda forgot to tell me THAT detail, too.

And then , for the icing on the cake...

...it turns out not only this Aunt, but her daughter, my cousin.....BOTH KNEW ALL ALONG ABOUT MY FATHER'S DEATH, BUT WERE TOLD BY MY BROTHER NOT TO TELL ME UNTIL HE SAID SO (which he still hasn't).....AND SO NEITHER ONE OF THEM DID. Oh. That simple, is it? And I imagine these were the same "instructions from (my) brother" the care home said they were following, choosing to turn a blind eye to his revoked legal 'privileges' by the government and keep these undisclosed "instructions" as #1 counsel over my disclosure that I needed their assistance for separate notification because I KNEW my brother wouldn't notify me himself. Yup - must be one and the same. Not that I know exactly what he'd said about me to sway them so wildly and irrationally. Nope. They refuse to tell me that part, so ethical and wise they of official rank in the health care business are. Never mind that it directly opposes their own stated "family care" package. What a farce that is for the unsuspecting family.

My cousin did not ask my brother "why?" she shouldn't tell me (or not that she'd admit), and simply and blindly followed his orders. Oh, she claims she wanted to tell me all along (did she want me to pat her on the back for her 'kindlier' thought?).....BUT STILL DIDN'T. And as of the start of our conversation, she wasn't even sure whether or not I even knew yet about my own father's death, so she minced around it until I told her outright.

She never said she was sorry for her part in this betrayal, she never answered WHY she did this to me, though I'd already TOLD her much of the history of everything long ago....and much more left unaccountably undone, unsaid, unanswered. It's all far too long and heart-breakingly sickening to even write out.

There simply ARE no visible morals, no ethics, no soul-searching, no accountability, no shame, and certainly no BRAINS in anyone in my family or extended family. I mean, really.....who DOES things like this???? Oh! But both my Aunt and cousin are still feeling sorry for my brother. Nice.

I have been betrayed by them all, including my own parents - my Mother, who wouldn't believe me when I told her this would happen if she didn't take legal steps to avoid it - and my father, who deliberately set the whole thing up this way.

And this 'Energizer Bunny' of Betrayal, Heartache and Evil just never seems to fail to KEEP pulling rabbits out of its own hat....every time I even begin to 'get over' and settle in my head the last betrayal, out pops yet another one. It just goes on, and on, and on, and on.....

Edited October 8, 2008 by Maylissa

[leeann]

Maylissa.. I'm so very sorry all of this has happened. And I can understand why you feel so betrayed.

I can't imagine why anyone would treat their family like that. Just I know that some families are more dysfunctional than others.

Lack of communication, respect and common courtesy and decency seem to be lacking in your particular situation and that is just horrible and yes, hard to understand and for you.. or anyone..very hard to accept.

I think one expects certain modicums of behavior from certain people in their lives. And perhaps we put the most demands & expectations on our family members. However.. I learned I couldn't keep expecting some things that, I knew through experience, were just not possible with my family. Sure I wanted them to be a certain way with me and others... but.. they were... the people they were.

I learned.. I can't change them. I can only change me and how I think & behave.

I realized eventually I was only setting myself up for bitter disappointment if I expected different behavior from them that they simply couldn't do or give.

I was only hurting myself if I held on to those old expectations.. so I had to learn to let those expectations go. I had to learn NOT to be surprised by their behavior any longer. I had to just change how I thought about them and their behavior and be more concerned with my own thoughts and behaviors.

Letting go of expectations was kind of a loss for me too. And I had to really in essence grieve what I wanted to have from them but what just wasn't possible. Only then could I embrace reality and find some peace in my own life.

I wish for you the same.

leeann

[Maylissa]

Hi Leanne, and thank you so much for your concern and understanding.

Oh, I know what you speak of, and have had to do this many times before with my family. It's just that, despite how insane they could act in the past, I honestly never thought it could go quite THIS ridiculously far. I mean, this is outrageous! But to qualify this, I not only fully expected, but KNEW my brother wouldn't want me to find out about our father's death. Otherwise I'd have more time to challenge the Will - not that I have any real leg to stand on, it turns out, so that's fruitless and I've given up on that idea already. Although it makes me feel sickeningly powerless, I have to accept that the facts are the facts and I don't have enough money to battle this in court for years and years, with no guaranteed win. It turns out that my brother lied to me not about the thing I'd suspected, but about something else about the date of our father's Will, which makes it even less likely I'd ever win my case. This also proves even more so that he was fully aware of his own, malicious and calculated plan to cheat me out of everything, though.

And I'd even expect this kind of nonsense from my Aunt now, since she'd betrayed me before and still isn't on any treatment for her mental illness.

BUT, I didn't expect quite this level of a combination of stupidity and cruelty from this cousin, who's certainly more than pokey in her time management, and possibly, as my H says, "as dumb as a post....the whole LOT of 'em!", but I didn't think she was deliberately cruel. But keeping mum for over a year, knowing the background of everything??? That's just cruel. And deliberate. And really, really stupid.

She's a nurse, no less, so how dumb & uncaring could she possibly be?, I'd thought. (after this, I'd HATE to be one in her 'care'!) And to make matters worse, she has obviously been suffering from feelings of doubt &/or guilt over this (for over a whole year), as she even told me she'd discussed this at work, with her colleagues, who, btw, ALSO couldn't believe this insane order from my brother. And yet, despite this concurrence of opinion, she never picked up the phone and did the RIGHT THING by me - the cousin who's talked to her more than any of her other cousins through the years. Even on simply a shallower level, I'm more than insulted that I'm not worthwhile enough in her eyes to warrant even semi-decent behavior. And it also hurts like mad that she talked to strangers about this, but not to the one (me) who this directly concerned.

Here I'd been imagining that IF she even knew, she'd simply (albeit stupidly) been assuming that I'd been told, and just said nothing at all. There was no civil word of "sorry about your dad &/or troubles" in all this time either, but worse, this deliberate keeping of a SECRET of my own parent's death. It's just too astounding for words to me. She's NOT my immediate family, of whom I'd at LEAST half-expect this behavior from. Even my messed-up, deceased brother didn't act this badly when our Mother was ill and believe me, he was pretty messed-up.

And this also doesn't either excuse or explain two other agencies who are also not related to me in any way, not notifying me either, nor offering any apology afterwards for THEIR lack of good judgment. It's all, and only, about protecting their own 'professional' hides. Real 'professional' of them, I say. So it's not just my family. It's obviously endemic to the whole of society. What have 'we' become as a society then, and how safe could it possibly be anywhere? It's hard not to go around now expecting to be treated like less than dirt, from goodness knows who, and yet, try as I might in my head & heart, I live with this dread every day now, despite not wanting to. It's so ingrained after all this that it's very hard to stave off negativity. I still keep trying, but it's difficult.

Oh, and I forgot to also mention that another one of my Mother's sisters died about 2 weeks ago....and no one told me THAT, either, until now. Another 'nice'.

And why did I have to get stuck with such a crazy family anyway? As everyone who knows me pretty well says, they can't believe I came from the same stock. But perhaps life would have felt kinder, more blissful from ignorance, had I been more like THEM. At least I wouldn't have had the brains to see any marked difference!

I guess it's mainly 2 things that are really bothering me no end.

One, it just feels too sad for words that THIS is my life, my legacy with these people who are called family. I can't change it, so as I look back on my time here so far, I feel as if I'd only really LIVED for the almost 20 years that we had our fur-kids as part of our own, little family, also not totally without some dysfunction, either, but surely a goodly step up. The time before, and now so sadly afterwards, has for the most part been more like a write-off. And I'm not sure I can effectively-enough make up for or balance out all of what seems like such wasted (and ever-so-painful) time in the certainly shorter amount of time I have left on this earthly plane. Nor can I get back all the time I've wasted trying to deal with these people so far, or easily whisk away the effects of what they've done to me all through the years. Had I known before how fruitless all my efforts to do the righter things were going to be, I wouldn't have wasted that time. They effectively 'stole' the largest chunk of my life from me, I'm just terribly angry about it and it's leaving a really sour and bitter taste in my mouth. I don't intend to sit around and stew over this forever, but right now, I need to vent and vent GOOD.

And two, I feel like I still don't really have a 'voice' for all that's happened to me. My story has been so weird, abnormal and traumatic that most people (including most supposed friends, who might have become substitute family if not for their reactions) recoil in horror and shut me out, not even able to HEAR about it. Another "fairweather friend" of mine of over 30 years gave me a total of 10 mins. to talk about it this summer, and the rest of our week with her was all about HER. And yet I am the one who has to LIVE in its effects every day. I'm so tired, so tired... They don't stop to think, don't want to think, about how it must be for ME, not just a passive listener as they are, but the one who has to try and deal with it all.

I'm so tuckered out that I don't even care anymore what happens to those ashes. If they get tossed in a landfill, that might even help me feel like some justice has been served for all the wrongs committed. It's not like I have gotten any happier ending, as have other people I've read about whose deceased family members have seemingly come to their aid from beyond the grave, during their own legal family disputes and "saved the day" by having a court case turn right around in their favour, out of the blue. Nope. I can't even get my latest lawyer to call me back, despite repeated voicemail messages to him. It's like the whole world is acting against me. So it's hard to just "snap out of it" when I've tried my best to approach these later challenges with a sense of calm and intentional logic, rather than just emotion. That hasn't seemed to have helped, either, for some unfathomable reason. (keep in mind, you're hearing the tail end of what I've been dealing with for some time already)

So I ask myself, why should I keep doing the 'right' thing by anyone else anymore? It's not like it's very often gotten me what I needed. It's so discouraging. I'm not one to go around making out like I'm always so full of 'enlightenment' that I don't find my life challenging, or even downright miserable at times. So I'll say that at this moment, I don't want to be understanding, or wise, or spiritual, or taking the high road. I just want to yell at these people and tell them how much they've hurt me AGAIN, and what scumballs they are for actively making the poor choices they did. I just want to let my voice be HEARD for once, before I cast them all away into the dark from whence they came.

This isn't just an emotional outburst, either. I'm seriously wondering if I ought not to write at least the care home (if not the Public Trustee, who I know will just toss any such letter in the garbage) & my Aunt and cousin and tell them how I feel, demand some apologies, and let my voice finally be heard in no uncertain terms, just so I know I've said my 'peace'. My cousin already knows how mad I am about everything, so I've already given her more of a hint of what's going on with me than I was given in regards to everything else. Maybe this is even the very last thing with this family that I'm actually supposed to do as part of my life lesson with them? But I'm afraid that whatever I might do, or not do, that won't stop that stupid Bunny from insinuating itself into my life, regardless. And I'm also not sure I even have the energy to lift one more finger in regards to this anyway. But if I don't, it's as if I'm allowing them all to go unscathed, while I take on all this affront in their place. UGH! I'm just so SICK of this pain! A nice, peaceful unconsciousness sounds pretty good right about now.

Edited October 8, 2008 by Maylissa

[AnnieO]

Maylissa,

I just wanted to tell you I am very sorry you are going thru all of this. I cannot imagine what it must feel like. Just reading about it all, made my head spin. I am very sorry. You mentioned writing a letter to your relatives and the care center. That is exactly what I did...my therapist had me write a letter to my dad(after he died) my brother and his wife. (I had alot of anger!)She had me write the letters and put them away for a week, re-read them and then decide what I wanted to do with them. I did not mail them, I took them outside and burned them. It was an incredible feeling.Sure I still have my angry times, but the rage I was keeping inside me, that was making me sick, went up in smoke with the letters. But, maybe you would decide to mail them and that would be up to you. Either way writing the letter might be helpful. You are in my thoughts and I wish you peace.

[leeann]

Maylissa

I'm sorry to learn of the loss of your Aunt. And I'm sorry you had to hear about it that way. Such a shame this is.

Perhaps, you are right, you could write some letters, like Annie did, to each of the parties you mentioned. And then wait a bit to decide whether or not you wish to mail them. Burning them instead could be an idea as well. Seemed to really have helped Annie feel better. Maybe you should write your letters too and feel like you then have had a voice on what has happened.

But I think your legacy of family will be what you make it. Not many of us are blessed with super functional families. We all probably have things we must work through from our past. However there is no need to allow the past to define us in our present moments.

Some of us have also chosen to detach from certain family members to preserve our own peace of mind and health. And that's ok. It happens. Perhaps your circumstances are a bit different from everyone else's that you know. But I believe we all have our unique challenges of one sort or another to cope with and get through in life.

Your family members have their legacy too. And their actions or inactions are there own responsibility. You are only responsible for your own. So let them have theirs and you keep hold tightly to your own. You can create your own family and your own peace and contentment in life. You are right.. you can't change the past. All you can do is change how you think about it. But therein lies much hope.

Changing my thinking wasn't easy.... but I kept at it and kept at it. I sought some professional help for a short while and that really helped me clinch it. And I'm so glad that I worked as hard as I did. I was able to peel off layer upon layer of negative thoughts and feelings. And that in turn allowed me to seek my joys.

Think about what YOU want out of this life here. What do you want to be YOUR legacy? You've extended yourself to your own kitties and they obviously gave you joy. There is much more joy to be had as you look to the future. And don't let what has happened to you in the past stop you from reaching your own desires and seeking and finding your own joys.

I'm glad you came here and shared with us your pain and I hope in some small way that alone helped you to feel a bit better. Keep your chin up and know that we hear your suffering and understand as best we can. And think about composing some of those letters.. you may feel quite cleansed afterwards, whether you mail them or not.

I have learned that the secret to real contentment for me is to live for now... and let the past worry about it itself. To stay in the moment of now brings peace.

You are so deserving of joy. All you have to do is seek it.

And that is my wish for you.

leeann

[mlg]

I am so sorry that you have been treated this way. One thing does bother me though and that is you said you had not been comfortable here because someone said you were whining. I have always found these people to be so understanding and can't imagine any of us that are on here now doing that to you.

That being put aside, I hope you feel better just getting some of these feelings out. It sounds like you are about ready to explode. I know that I had a situation that I was quite angry about for about 7 mos. and felt some of the same feelings you are feeling but finally decided that being so angry just made me an ugly person and I needed to quit it. I finally decided to take a deep breath and march forward. I decided the people who had been so "nasty" to me did not deserve to take my life away from me. I had always been a kind and caring person and they had made me hateful and ugly. Since that time some of these people have had the same thing done to them so it is kind of poetic justice.

Have you gone to any kind of counseling to help you put this behind you? From the sound of things you aren't going to change any of these people, so if you can become more calm and finally be able to start anew maybe you would be happier. Writing the letters would be a good thing but like Annie said you may want to keep them for a while and re-read them before you send them. If you do this try to stay factual and don't bring hosility into it. Just tell them you don't understand why they are treating you this way. Then go on with your life, send them a card or letter or make a phone call just like you would have in the past and leave the rest up to them. If they don't eventually respond to you then it is their loss and they aren't worth wasting your time over.

Keep posting here please so that you can "vent" (((( ))))

[Maylissa]

Hi everyone, and thank you all for your thoughts and for trying to help me through this latest bump.

I'm considering the letters (whether I send them or not) and the idea is a sound one...IF I can find the energy, and even the time!, for it. I've got a lot going on right now and composing 3 or 4 letters would take me quite awhile, so we'll see. It's rather a conundrum as I also resent even having to take my energy away from other things in order to address this 'new' pain, and for the most part lately, I've been trying to practice holding intentions of what I'd rather see (for whatever) instead of focusing on what's wrong. To me, this whole disruption feels so much like a part of "the old" that is currently falling away, energetically, in the world, and so in one way I don't even want to give it any energy (on a quantum level) for it to hold onto and therefore stick around, rather than just die right out. So I'm conflicted about what would be best.

However, what you said, Annie - "Just reading about it all, made my head spin." - really helped a LOT...and thank you for that. That's the kind of validation that always helps me. Just being heard and having someone recognize &/or share in the feelings that surround such craziness, helps spread the pain out. Just to more or less hear back that yes, these people are nutso and cause such suffering by their ridiculous actions.... Even though I know this for myself and don't really NEED that kind of validation from 'outside', it still somehow helps to hear it anyway. (I'm sure you all know what that kind of sharing can do to ease the burden)

Leanne, I don't feel even remotely responsible for their actions/inactions. I'm just pissed like mad about theirs because they've really stomped on MY toes, with no regard for either me, nor what were clearly the better things to do in this situation. It's not like I haven't been finding my own way &/or joys (such as they are since losing my fur-girl) all this time, and frankly, for many years already...it's the fact that they keep rather interrupting my own 'flow' with their craziness, out of the blue.

And I know I wouldn't feel as much 'pressure' from the hurt if I at least had a substitute family, in friends. But I don't really, so every slight they fling my way hurts all the more because there's not really much to buffer it, or to help fill in the craters that are blown open anew each time they do things like this. It's not about just giving up "certain" family members. Heck, that's old hat by now! I've had to give up every last one of them through the years. With each new loss, more have been dumped, so there's not one left now whom I'd ever trust again with my heart. And THAT's what's so heart-breaking. There's NO ONE LEFT and you'd think I was 90 already, with all the loss I've experienced in the last few years. I'd already given up ever hoping any of them would be there for me (they're incapable) in troubled times. But worse, they DEVISE those troubled times FOR me, and then rub salt in the very wounds they helped create.

And while I can, of course, have my own legacy, so far it's rather a sad one, at least for me. It's still ongoing, naturally, but frankly, there is no one who is going to write 'pretty' things about me should I up and die any time soon. It's complicated to explain, but that's honestly the way it stands right now. And a large part of that is directly because I've got no one left who thinks very highly about me, or what I've created in my lifetime. And who can say if this is ever going to change? I've been trying for decades to make a difference and while I can feel proud of what I've accomplished, that's where it ends.

Despite whatever legacy I might build regardless, my family's legacy would still stand alongside mine, simply because it IS also a part of my life, like it or not. I will now have to either avoid answering certain questions from people, or have to tell the truth....which is crazy and makes people shun me (as if it's MY fault these things happened; you know how people are...). Say, for example, I next visit the doc, and he asks me what my father died of, for his medical assessment (not that I personally believe this has anything to do with MY health, or lack thereof, but that's how mainstream medical thinking works). And I will have to say "I don't know. I never learned his cause of death." What do you think that sounds like, and what do you think the doctor will think? No, of course his opinion doesn't really matter, but, FRICK! It's humiliating as heck! It's as much as saying loud and clear - MY FAMILY DIDN'T LOVE OR CARE ABOUT ME ENOUGH TO MAKE SURE I KNEW SUCH A BASIC THING. And people being the way they are, they'll make it reflect on ME, like it or not. I've SEEN the sideways glances, all throughout my life, as if I had to have been at fault somehow for what ended up happening. It hurts. It always hurts.

All you can do is change how you think about it.

Anyone have any more specific ideas of how I might apply this in this particular case?

I also don't want to give the wrong impression here. It's not like I'm going about my days in nothing but rage, focused only on this craziness. The hurt and anger only comes up if I think about what's happened. That said, I know I still need to purge it out....again....like I've done as best I could countless times before.

However, given that I'm so busy with numerous projects, and given the resentment I have about spending yet MORE money (that I SHOULD have had from the estate, no less) in order to go get more therapy directly because of them AGAIN, I'm averse to paying for more treatment, period. It would seem simply TOO ironic to me to have to fork out once more from my own coffers when I should have, by rights, been ADDING to my funds instead.

And I certainly won't be sending any cards or making any calls, as if everything's hunky-dory. I haven't been contacting any of them (except for this last call to my cousin) for quite some time now. I avoid any contact with these people whenever I can help it, which is all the time unless something like THIS requires my attention. I already know they're not worth putting myself in the line of fire for. This was a totally unexpected development and I'd only wanted to find out what was going on with these ashes, but only because I was called first.

My Aunt, as per her usual tactic, likely only called me because my brother got mad at her last they spoke...so now I'm the only one left who might talk to her again. Her daughter, my cousin, is usually too mad at her to talk to her, either (like the present). So I'm just the only possible choice left for her. And now that most of her siblings have died, she's probably also getting panicky about her own mortality. But I'm not about to allow her to take her frustrations out on me, nor give her a shoulder to cry on when she wouldn't provide me with one when I needed it....not again. I've had enough of that, thank-you.

I'd stopped hoping to "change them" long ago. But that doesn't help me when they do something new that impacts me directly. I still have to deal with the feelings that arise because of their nonsense

As for living in the Now, aside from how grief often of necessity during its process takes you back into the past or future, I do try my best to focus mostly on the present. But one point that a lot of people miss is that the Now can, does and is meant to also include whatever feelings one has at any given moment, even IF those are about the past or future. The Now isn't always only about 'good' feelings. And the Now also applied at the time of this very upsetting phone conversation, which necessitated talking about the past as well as the future. I tried as best I could to keep focused more on each statement or question as it came up. But the effects were cumulative regardless.

I'd rest much easier if I could know that karma would catch up to these people in my lifetime, so I could see it, but even if it did, if I'm not in contact with them, how would I ever know anyway? As I told my cousin when she was pondering the stupid thought that maybe my brother had me in his own Will as sole beneficiary (!!WHAT?! She'd obviously not been listening to a thing I'd said or what he's done so far!), "And how would I even find out if he'd died, pray tell?" And besides, IF the past is any indication...no, the most evil people in my family have always gotten away almost entirely with their evil deeds. That is to say, other than inner turmoil that no one else is really aware of, IF there even was any, which I highly doubt. My father was 'rescued' from having to even sit and ponder his own legacy because they had him so doped up on sedatives, he was happy as a clam - and not deserving of that induced happiness whatsoever.

I keep thinking there must be a Divine reason why I wasn't supposed to be told, but so far, nothing has made itself clear that way, other than maybe this is a one-last-hurrah opportunity for me to leave the "old energy" behind and let it die a natural death, WITHOUT me feeding into it anymore and keeping it alive. I sense that I must find a NEW way of dealing with it, but just aren't sure what way that should be, other than totally ignoring it, which doesn't quite seem possible yet.

Edited October 10, 2008 by Maylissa

[leeann]

QUOTE

All you can do is change how you think about it.

Anyone have any more specific ideas of how I might apply this in this particular case?

Yes, I had to come to a place of forgiveness. I had to forgive those that hurt me. I had to humanize them.

I didn't and still don't have a total replacement family.. not sure I want or need one. I have just found that I end up with what I need. Not necessarily what I want.. but what I need.

This has helped me tremendously. And I hope it helps you too.

It is from Gary Zukav's "Seat of the Soul":

"Forgiveness is not about condoning another's hurtful actions, it is about releasing your negative emotions and perceptions about the painful events. Otherwise you keep yourself chained to those events or people - you keep it alive within you - and you carry it with you where-ever you go. It is a very heavy burden to carry around and you end up crippling yourself emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically.

Holding on to anger, resentment, etc. keeps you in 'victim' mode - powerless. It means you are letting those people who have hurt you in the past dictate who you are in the present moment. You can take your power back by releasing these negative emotions and no longer let them hold sway over your thoughts, feelings and actions.

Only you are responsible for what you do, think and feel. You can choose to hold on to painful events, like a weight around your neck, or you can choose to remove that burden by releasing it (giving it no more emotional energy and therefore power) and living a happier life despite past circumstances. In other words... let the past be in the past, and live in the now moment. You can't change what happened in the past, but you have choice over how you live now.

When you assume responsibility for what you experience

and share what you experience in a spirit of companionship,

that is the same as forgiveness.

When you hold someone responsible for what you experience,

you lose power."

leeann