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Lost My Best Friend Debbie

Lori H

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Hi.. I moved to AZ in 2000 and the apt that I moved into, lived a girl named Debbie who was my next door neighbor.. She had a cocker spaniel (Jack) and I have a border collie (Mulligan). When my sister and brother-in-law were helping me move my stuff in, she came out of her apt and said "can I help".. We became very good friends.. We walked our dogs everyday and would go out to the hot tub at night and just talk.. We had dinner at each others place. I even had cashed out one of my retirement checks,( i know how stupid), but i needed a little extra money.. I told Debbie on a caribben cruise and she had a wonderful time.. Debbie has 2 daughters from a previous marriage and was at that time married to an idiot.. He had many DUI's and was very abuse verbally.. When I met her he was in prison because of the DUI's and he would write her all the time and ask her to come visit him.. Debbie had a heart of gold and would spend time communicating with him.. I tried very hard to pull her away from him because he was poison.. Three years ago, Debbie had to have her appendix taken out.. They found cancer in her colon.. They cut that area out and she was ok.. Then less than 3 months from that, they found cancer in her liver and lungs.. You couldn't find a better person than Debbie and I couldn't understand why this was happening to her.. Here ex husband got out of prison and he asked if he could move in with her for a while.. I had gotten married in 2005, but it didn't change our closeness.. They both came to our wedding and he was verbally abusing her, but I didn't know that at the time.. He didn't want her to have anybody in her life, but him.. He hit her one time and her brother and mom came out from michigan and her brother told her that if he ever hit her sister again, he would find himself at the bottom of lake erie.. I hoped so much for that to happen, as I hated her ex.. Finally she asked him to move out and he refused.. So Debbie and her 2 dogs moved in with me and my husband for about 6 months.. She wanted to save some money and move back to OH, since she knew her cancer would not get any better and she wanted to be near her family and daughters.. Her brother drove out to AZ with a Uhaul and moved her back home.. We talked everyday on the phone.. Her ex also moved back to OH, since his family was there and she was about a 3 hour drive from where she lived.. He kept telling her that he had changed and asked for another chance.. I think that was his 9th request for another chance.. Debbie worked at an assisted living facility for all nuns with alzheimers.. Finally her cancer got worse and she couldn't work anymore.. I flew out to see her in November 2007 and we spent some good time together. Debbie was admitted into Hospice in March and died 3 weeks later.. It has been 6 months later and I cry almost every night. We talked everyday and I miss that so much.. I know that she is in heaven and no longer has cancer and she never has to let her ex con her into thinking he has changed, so just he can get control over her.. But, I miss her so much.. I get tired of people telling me that God does things for a reason and we will understand someday.. I'm Catholic and I just have very little faith since I have lost her.. I'm also very angry about the whole thing. The doctor gave me Abien because I wasn't sleeping.. I just want my Debbie back and cancer free and her ex put at the bottom of lake erie.. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to crack and lose my mind.. Sorry this is so long, as I cried the whole time I have been typing.. I know there is nothing anyone can say, but I just needed to maybe type it out and see if this helps, which I doubt.. Thanks for listening.. Lori

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You'll be surprised how much just typing it out will help. Between the tears and nobody judging you, it is a great release. I'm sorry you lost such a good friend and everyone here will tell you it just sucks. That's why you take it a minute at a time until you can stretch it to an hour and then farther. Besides writing here the funeral home we used has a guestbook and as long as you like apparently they'll keep it open so my daughters and I use it often as a place to talk to Tom. I talk to him all the time but putting it down in writing sometimes really helps.

I know you will get lots of hugs from the people here even if they don't reply.

Come back often and I hope your husband is supporting you too, since he can give you that physical hug.

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Your feelings of grief are very understandable, it's especially hard when it's someone we love so much and they're a part of our everyday lives the way you and your friend were. I don't try to make "reason" out of everything that happens, some things just happen, good and bad things. I know it helps me a great deal when I can get things out (written or verbal) instead of keeping them inside to build and fester.

You are feeling anger and this too is normal. I remember when my husband died, I felt very angry with his job because they were slavedrivers and hastened his heart attack, and they didn't have a company representative at his funeral, they didn't send flowers, shoot, they didn't even send a card, in fact, they stole his tools, and I had a hard time getting them to get back to me on Cobra insurance, etc. I threw away all of his work clothes even though they were Carharts and expensive because it reminded me of that poisonous job...I only spared one jacket which I gave to someone who needed it, cuz it was brand new. Sometimes we do funny things with our anger, but it helped me feel like I was purging him of that company.

Debbie was very lucky to have you in her life, what would it have been like without you! God knew what He was doing when He introduced the two of you. I'm so glad her family was there for her. And yes, she is now free of her ex. They say every cloud has a silver lining, I believe that is hers.

Please feel free to come back here whenever you want, you are very welcome here. There are wonderful people on this site who listen and understand and care.


Edited by kayc
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I'm so sorry for the loss of your best friend. I lost my faith after losing Larry and at nearly three years, its still not back the way it was. You can't make sense of these tragedies and the loss of such good people. Its normal to feel angry also, we all understand it here in this group. I'm glad you posted and I hope it helped you to share your feelings. Deborah

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