3 Weeks Since I Lost My Missy To Bloat/torsion

[missy37]

Warning...very long...

First, a little history on my baby who passed away.

Missy, an eight year old dobie who was to turn 9 in January belonged to my uncle in NY. Back in November of 2005 right before Thanksgiving, my uncle had passed away when he was home alone. His wife was in a rehabilitation center. Someone found his body a week later with Missy, his companion lying beside him. The police came in and threw Missy in a shelter. I was living in CA at the time and right away, I searched all of the shelters on line in that area to find Missy. I found her and called to see if she was still available. I jumped on a plane the day after Thanksgiving, rented a truck and drove to the shelter to get her. She was a mess. She was very thin and very scared. The owner at the shelter had told me that she wasn't eating the regular dog food they were giving her so they would give her table scraps. I took her back to my aunt's house and the next day jumped on a plane back to Cali.

A couple of days after I returned, she was wheezing. I called my vet and took her in right away. She had kennel cough so we gave her some medicine and she was on the road to recovery. About a month or so later, she had bouts of diarrhea and blood in her stool. I took her in right away and ended up having to take her to the emergency hospital. Her platelets were low and they really didn't know what was going on with her so they kept her for a couple of days. They sent her home with prednisone and said that she had an auto immune disorder. She was fine for a few days and then the same thing happened. I took her to the hospital again and the doctor felt that her prognosis was poor. From what I can remember, he said that again, her platelets were low and that she had pancreatitis(sp?). Something else was going on but now I can't remember for the life of me. Anyway, she pulled through and after four days I took her home and gave her the prednisone and some chemo drug for a few months. I had bloodwork taken every two weeks and finally, there was light at the end of the tunnel. She seemed like a normal dog except for her nervous and timid temperment, which btw, I thought was odd for a dobie. She came around in those three years that I had her. She wasn't afraid of strangers, she started showing some affection, she jumped on the couch, learned to use the doogie doors and got along great with my two other dogs. She adjusted well.

Starting about a year or so ago, she would have her days where she felt off. She wouldn't eat and would roam around looking uncomfortable. At least once a month, we would go downstairs in the morning and see bile on the rug. A few times I caught her outside vomiting bile and eating grass. The vet didn't really explain to me what he thought was going on. He told me that she might have acid stomach and that I should give her pepsid. So that's what I did. She showed the same signs as the ones I saw this past weekend. Walking around aimlessly, head down, tail down, trying to vomit, etc. She was also at the time not interested in dog food so I would bake chicken for her and mix it in with some dry kibble. Sometimes she got chopmeat but mostly chicken. I fed her chicken up until six months ago when my twins were born and I decided that she needed to get with the program. Now of course, I wish I hadn't changed the menu.

So here's my story:

On Saturday, November 1st, I had a vet appointment at 10am to take my Aussie Mix Buddy in for shots. Missy was up and in good spirits. My husband had fed her a small bowl of dry food and gave her two little biscuits. The water was out in the garage and she didn't really make it a habit to drink unless she was on her way to do her business outside. I returned around 11:30 and Missy was right there begging for my egg sandwich that I had picked up from dunkin donuts. She was acting totally normal. At around 12:30, my husband left to run some errands. I put the girls down for a nap at 1pm and on my way down the stairs, I saw Missy in the living room lying down. I thought it was a bit odd that she was lying on the living room floor, a place I had never really seen her and not on her favorite spot on the couch. Afterall, she was a total couch potato that loved her creature comforts.

I immediately thought that she was throwing up as she has at least one bout of vomiting on our rug a month. I chased her into the garage and she started pacing around my truck and looking sneaky as if she were about to do something wrong. Up until a couple of weeks ago, she was peeing and pooping behind my truck so I thought she was up to no good. She walked back in the house through the doogie door and walked into her pop up tent in the laundry room. I thought this was a bit strange, but not out of the ordinary b/c when she wasn't feeling good, she used to go off somewhere for peace and quiet. I asked her if she wanted to go outside in the back and she followed me so I let her out. I glanced out a few times to see what she was up to. Our backyard is pretty big and she went over to the furthest corner of the fence and looked as if she was trying to vomit. I didn't have my glasses on and just thought she was vomiting bile. I kept looking out to see what was going on and she was in different spots of the yard lying down. She would lie down and then get up and lie down again. I didn't think anything of it. I let her in about a half hour later and she went into the laundry room. As she was walking into the room, I noticed that she had a little bit of white foam on her lip. I chalked it up to her eating grass. I've seen it before and wasn't too worried. Still, I had no reason to believe that she was in horrible pain. She was walking hunched over but she had a very nervous disposition and we had seen this walk before.

My husband returned home about two and a half hours later. He walked over to the family room and while he was talking to me, Missy came over and jumped in her favorite spot on the couch, but then jumped off after a couple of seconds. I did not hear any panting, she was not drooling, not making any noise whatsoever. Since she jumped on the couch, I thought she was back to her old self. A little while later, she was roaming around the kitchen. My husband took her out in the garage to see if she wanted to go out. He then came in and told me that her stomach looked very distended and felt really hard. I ran out and felt her stomach and it looked abnormal. I didn't remember it looking like that earlier or maybe I just didn't notice it. I immediately called the emergency hospital b/c our vet closed at noon. They told me to bring her right in and that it sounded like it could be gastric torsion. I had no idea what that was. I went out in the garage and while my husband was getting ready to put her in the back of the truck, she walked over to him and her legs looked very unsteady. She then collapsed but was still with us. He picked her up and again, she did not make any noise like she was in pain. He drove off to the hospital. The hospital was about forty minutes away. I looked up gastric torsion on the internet and was horrified when I read that it was a deadly condition that needed immediate treatment. About a half hour later, he called to tell me that he made it to the hospital, but it was too late....our precious Missy was dead. I was in complete shock. I don't think I believed him until he came home without her. That was the day my heart broke in a million pieces. I felt like a part of me died with her. I am at a loss now. I don't know why this happened. She didn't eat alot nor did she drink any water. She jumped right back on the couch after she ate.

Now I sit here and blame myself for her death. I keep rehashing everything that happened that afternoon. I saw signs, but the signs I saw were no different than the signs she showed when she had an upset stomach. I wish she had done something like pant, drool or yelp because then I would have known that something was very different and I could have taken action sooner. If I had acted sooner, then she may be alive today. Why didn't I watch her more closely or at least go over to her to see what was going on. I would say this all happened within a matter of 3.5 hours from the time I saw her pacing around. More than enough time to get her in the car and race to the vets. I've always been so on top of the dogs. I have been crying nonstop since it happened. Every time I think of her which is every minute of the day, I cry. I keep blaming myself. She was suffering and I did nothing. How could I not see that those were signs of pain? I feel awful. Not to mention, as soon as my twin girls were born six months ago, my attention went right to them and not the dogs. I feel like I neglected her and my other two and some days I wasn't so nice to them. When they barked, I told them to shut up because I didn't want them to wake the babies. That's horrible. How could I talk to my beloved animals like that? I wish she never left me. I can feel her presence and every time I look at her favorite spot on the couch, I lose it. It was so sudden. I can't believe she's gone. My husband is sad but he is worried about me. He keeps telling me that I have to snap out of it. I have my family to take care of and my two other dogs. I know that some day they will also leave me but hopefully not like this. Bloat is a terrible disease and I wish I had learned more about it before it took my precious baby away. Thank you all for listening to my story. I really appreciate it. My heart goes out to all of you who have lost a beloved pet or pets. It's an awful feeling and people don't understand what we are going through unless they are pet owners. I am so happy that I found this site.

Kristin

[missy37]

It doesn't look like this site is too active

[AnnieO]

Kristin,

I am so sorry about Missy. I understand your feelings , wondering if you could have done more..etc. When I read your story, the only thing I could see was how much you loved Missy, you saved her from a shelter or worse. You took care of her, got her medical help and medications when she needed it. Cooked her special food to get her to eat, and let her sleep on your couch! She was loved and she knew it. Don't beat yourself up , you took very good care of her. I had an 8 yr old Bernese Mountain dog. He did alot of the things Missy did, not eating, vomiting, eating grass. He did this off and on for a long time. He stopped eating and I couldnt get him to eat. I was worried, but at that same time , my mom was dying. I called the vet and made an appt. The next day I dropped him off at the vet for tests, I got a call, my mom was dying and I needed to hurry. My mom died at 9:30 that morning. I got home at 3, called my vet. I told him, "I will bring him back later if you need to do more tests, but I just really need to bring him home with me tonight." The vet asked if I could come in at 6pm. They close at 5:30, I knew what was going to happen. My dog was full of cancer and was bleeding internally. I put him to sleep at 7pm, the same day my mom died. I like to think my mom needed him to go with her. And like you, I beat myself up...why didn't I notice how sick he was, why didn't I get him to the vet sooner...etc. But, also like you, I did the best that I could at the time. Go easy on yourself.

[kath]

Kristin,

I am so sorry for the loss of your dog, Missy. You impressed me with all that you did to retrieve her and bring her home and give her your love and care for three years. I don't think you could have done anything more than what you did. My dog used to eat grass and throw up all the time. He lived for fifteen years. We all look for reasons why these things have to happen and most often we blame ourselves. Blaming yourself won't lesson the hurt you feel at losing her. Please treat yourself kindly, especially now. We grieve each new death along with the ones that happened before it. I'm guessing this has brought up a lot of emotions concerning your uncle, too. When I had to put my beautiful husky to sleep, I felt like I lost my husband all over again. As hard as it is, at least they are together. Try to imagine the reunion for your uncle and Missy. I bet they are grateful to be together again and look forward to the day they can hug you and thank you. As a dog lover, I would like to say thank you for all you did to help them! Kath

[MartyT]

Kristin, dear,

I'm so very sorry for your loss, and for the anguish, guilt and regret that you are feeling now in the wake of Missy’s death. I doubt that anything I can say will alleviate your pain, but I do want to share some thoughts with you.

First, the fact that you are feeling guilty does not mean that you are, in fact, guilty as charged. Feelings are neither right or wrong, good or bad -- they just are, and we cannot always control how we are feeling, even when we "know" (in our head, if not our heart) that what we're feeling may be irrational and unjustified. Such feelings need to be acknowledged and expressed, and exposed to the light of day, so we can examine and evaluate them more objectively, preferably with someone else who is not emotionally involved in our situation. This is why a support group (either online, like this one, or in person) can be so valuable -- it is a powerful way to share with others what it is that we feel so guilty about, so we can get an objective response from others -- and oftentimes what we hear is that, given the very same set of circumstances, others would have done exactly the same thing as we ourselves have done.

I think you will find, however, that even if you do obtain all the understanding and forgiveness you can find from others, the person from whom you most need forgiveness is yourself. Unless and until you are ready to forgive yourself, you will not find the peace you seek. I believe that, when we feel this sort of guilt, we cannot let go of it until we feel as if we've been punished enough, or until we've made some sort of atonement, to make amends to the one we think we have harmed. (To learn what you can do with some of this guilt you're carrying around, please see my article, Loss and the Burden of Guilt.) I also happen to believe that guilt is not such a bad thing, after all. Only the really good people feel guilty ~ have you ever noticed that? Bad people don't feel guilty about anything, and certainly not about how they treat companion animals! It is only a person like yourself, clearly a loving, devoted animal lover, who would agonize over having minimized symptoms that most of us probably would have discounted or never even noticed in the first place. Obviously Missy was not displaying any signs that were significant enough to attract your vet’s attention when you did take your dog to see him ~ yet here you are, expecting yourself to be better at discerning and diagnosing illness than your own animal doctor was. The guilt you feel is probably unjustified -- but it is still there, and so it still must be acknowledged and expressed and examined -- confessed, if you will -- so that you can be done with it, obtain the forgiveness that you need, and eventually let it go.

I encourage you to explore some ways that you can begin to unburden yourself of this heavy load of guilt that you’re carrying around with you. You might try, for example, writing a letter to Missy, expressing all your guilt and sorrow, and asking for her forgiveness. You could construct a private ritual around this for yourself (as simple or as elaborate as you choose), read the letter aloud to your dog, then set it afire, and let your guilt go and dissipate into the air, along with the smoke.

I don’t know how you found our site, and I don’t know how much (if any) reading you’ve done about grief and what is normal in pet loss. If you haven’t done so already, I suggest you read some of the articles I have listed on the Pet Loss Articles page of my Grief Healing Web site. I believe that when you’re struggling with grief like this, it’s important to learn all you can about what is normal under such circumstances, so you feel less crazy and alone, and so you know better how to manage whatever reactions may come up for you. Another article you might find helpful is Breaking the Power of Guilt by Moira Allen.

I hope this information helps, my dear, and I hope it also helps to know that we’re all thinking of you and sharing in your sorrow.

[missy37]

Thank you all for your kind and comforting words. It really means a lot to me. Kath, I am trying to imagine Missy up there with my Uncle. Maybe it was his way of getting her back.

Marty, I have read the articles that you posted below and as much as I want to take those words to heart and follow them, I am still having a very hard time letting go of these guilty feelings. The guilt is tormenting me. Every morning I wake up in hopes that I start to feel better, but instead I feel worse and worse. Everything reminds me of Missy (good and bad). I can't even go into the garage without feeling sick b/c that is where she spend her final hour before she got in the car on the way to the vet.

I understand that in order to get rid of this guilt, I need to forgive myself for the mistakes that I have made. It was a fatal mistake on my part that cost Missy her life. I had no excuse. As soon as I saw that she was not feeling well, I should have taken control. The only good that has come out of this is that I am more knowledgeable about this bloat/torsion condition. I wish I would have been educated on it before this tragic loss, but I guess that's the way it goes. I will NEVER let this happen again.

I guess now I just have to keep reminding myself of all the good I did for Missy. I took her out of the shelter, gave her three great years and gave her all the love I could give. I look forward to the day that I can look back on the happy memories we shared.

Kristin

[MartyT]

Kristin, dear, I understand the guilt ~ truly, I do. Several years ago my father lost his beloved Saint Bernard, Banjo, to this very same condition, and it nearly broke his heart. By the time he got her to his vet, there was nothing they could do to save her. My father was an outstanding physician, an excellent surgeon and certainly a skilled diagnostician ~ but he, too, did not recognize the symptoms in time to save his beloved Banjo.

I promise you Kristin, that the time will come when you will be able to lay down your guilt and forgive yourself for this ~ but in the meantime, please allow yourself to feel whatever feelings may come up for you. It is a very necessary part of the process. I sincerely hope that you will think about finding an "in person" pet loss support group to help you deal with this ~ it can be a very powerful source of help for you. In the meantime, please keep reading the very last paragraph of your most recent post here ~ out loud, if necessary ~ and place a copy of those three lines on your bathroom mirror or your kitchen fridge. Keep repeating them to yourself until you're able to believe them.

[missy37]

Thank you Marty for sharing that story about your father and his beloved Banjo. Here I am thinking I'm the only one who didn't recognize the symptoms. I truly hope that I can find forgiveness in all of this. I understand it will take time, and that I need to let my feelings out, but right now it feels as though I will never heal and be myself again. I wish I had a second chance just like everyone else. I keep replaying the best case scenerio in my mind and I know I shouldn't b/c it is not going to bring her back. It's so unfair! If she had passed on due to old age, I think I would feel better, but knowing that she was taken from this horrible condition and all the suffering she endured, tears me apart. I should have been there to protect her; she depended on me and I let her down. How can I ever forgive myself?