Why Didn't I?

[kath]

My husband was an avid reader. I never had the time. Often he would read things out loud that would make him laugh til he couldn't talk. Lately, I've been reading every book he ever read. It seems like a way to stay connected, but when I get to the parts he'd read to me, I usually cry. It's like watching a movie he would of loved. Instead of being able to enjoy the movie, I can't stop thinking about how fun it would be to be watching it together. I miss him here with me. Why didn't I read when he was alive so we could have shared the stories? I feel like I'm not really living my life, but rather his. I work to finish his projects and now I'm reading all the books he enjoyed. Instead of moving forward in this journey, I am trying desparately to hold onto all that he was. Oh, Bob, I miss you so much!

[leeann]

(((Kath))) Hugs for you.

Know what you mean a bit anyway. I find myself reading and re-reading books my folks read and recommended too. I too feel a closeness with them when I do that.

But you'll think I'm nuts but I still talk to them about those books and of course loads of other stuff.

No.. it isn't anywhere near the same as having them here to talk to about it. But I feel that they somehow hear me and that makes me feel a bit better anyway.

But do you think it might help if you focused on the joy that he got out of those books.. so much joy as to make him laugh so very hard? Instead of looking back and thinking "Gee I should of...." or "Why didn't I do..."; I rather try to focus on what I and they *did* get to enjoy together or share together. I could easily drive myself nuts if I get stuck in "I shoulda"-land.

Perhaps if you just think on his pure laughter & enjoyment a bit....and maybe, just maybe, you might end up smiling a bit through those tears.

I'm glad he did so enjoy reading and I hope you too get some enjoyment out of what he thought very amusing too.

And if you have any book titles that have some decent humor within... I know I'd be grateful for any suggestions. I bet we could all use to laugh a bit more.....

Thanks

leeann

[kayc]

Kath,

I did the same thing when George died, only with music. My George commuted a long ways and he had very eclectic taste in music. We both shared the love of Country Music the very most, but he also liked Rock, Jazz, Blues, you name it. When he died, I didn't want to part with any of his music collection, instead forcing myself to listen to his music and try to figure out what he got out of it, what he liked about this one, etc. I tried to figure out the message in an effort to be closer to him. But the fact was, I didn't like the music (except country). I finally gave the worst of it away (IMO) and stopped trying to be closer through that, although I must say, I wore our Wedding Album (CD we had made of our favorite "our songs") out listening to it over and over again!

I think it's normal to try to be close to them through touching what they touched, listening to what they listened to, reading what they read (I did that too). I wouldn't worry unduly about moving on, it hasn't been that long for you, and this is a definite stage, I don't see that it hurts.

If there was some way I could connect with George right now, I'd do it...as we all would, I think we do whatever we can to survive.

(((hugs Kath)))

KayC

[marsha]

Kath - I feel myself trying to incorporate Joe's life into mine as well. It's a 2 sided thing - when I listen to music, when I read old cards, it makes me feel that he's with me, yet it makes me feel so sad, I can't bear it. Maybe what we're trying to do is see the person we became with our spouses, and make sense of it. I think we have to do this process in order to move through it, and find who we are. For me, all my senses say - NO - I don't want this!! I don't want to do this. I just want to fast forward through this. I know you miss your Bob so, but maybe this is what we have to do, right now, and I mean think about it, dwell on it, incorporate it. Kath, it is so hard - and I understand. Peace to you, Marsha

[kath]

Leeann,

One of the funniest books was "Marley and Me" by John Grogan. Bob was like Dr. Doolittle and since I first met him I thought he could talk to animals. I laughed and cried reading that one. He also loved anything by Bill Bryson. My favorite of his was "The Life and Times of a Thunderbolt Kid" because so many of his stories echoed that of Bob growing up in the 50's. Also, anything by Frank McCourt..."Angela's Ashes," "'Tis" and "Teacher Man." These are stories of extreme poverty and hardship, but his writing is such that much of it is laugh out loud funny. I can see and hear Bob laughing just writing the names of these books. It is a good memory to hold onto.