I'm Starting To Get The "you Should Be Getting Over It"

[marsha]

Friends - I was blessed yesterday to have a bunch of phone calls from friends and family far away. As I said, I chose to be by myself, but I cooked a lot. This is good therapy for me. I must say, I made a killer turkey soup! Proud of myself! But - in the conversations yesterday with friends and kin, maybe I'm just projecting, but I'm feeling a little impatience coming through, when I said, it's a hard day, I'm just going through it. They asked me, and I told them. Should I sugar coat it? Why?? It makes me mad, and makes me not want to talk to anyone about Joe at all, except here of course, thank the Lord. What is up with this? If Joe had a broken leg or a heart attack, and was recuperating, it would be accepted that he had x number of months to recover. Well, I'm recovering from a massive wound, you just can't see it. Why is it that people don't get this? Enough venting, here - and Fred, your post about "just being" just got it for me - love you for that! Marsha

[kayc]

Marsha,

I wouldn't sugar coat it, they asked, you told them. If they are your family or close friends, they should understand that holidays are a particularly hard time for those grieving, and no, one year doesn't mean a person can just be over it. You tried to keep a positive focus and even cooked, good for you! Don't worry unduly about what others think or say, you need to give yourself ample time to grieve and that's what you are doing. I do most of my in depth sharing here on this site so I don't burden those who haven't gone through it and don't understand, but neither do I think I should act like everything is hunky dory when it isn't, but that's just me. I'm probably too transparent for my own good sometimes, but I figure people can accept me like I am...or not.

[kath]

Marsha,

Don't feel you have to make things easier for anyone else. If you are honest and they don't get it, then it is their problem. No one can truly understand the heartache unless they have been through it. You did what you needed to do yesterday to take care of yourself and I commend you for that. (Your soup sounds delicious.)I've noticed most people want to "fix" us and make us "feel better" rather than lend an ear and listen to someone in obvious pain. I was really sensitive to those I felt had unreal expectations of the time involved to heal. I try not to let it get to me anymore. This is me, alone, and doing the best I can. If they are really good friends, maybe you can just ask them to ask you questions about Joe. Let them know it helps to talk about him. It helps to share those things that made him so special. If they can allow you that, they will gain a little understanding into what does help. We are broken, but we can't be fixed. We will heal, but there will still be a scar.

Keep doing what your doing,

Kath

[kath]

Thought I should add...You are still so new to this. I am appalled that people expect this to be "over" instantaneously!!!What is up with that???

[marsha]

I do have to add to this thread - a friend that I emailed back to 3 months ago called me today. I had told her that whether she likes it or not, this is my life, and my pain, and I was sorry if she couldn't deal with it. We had a very good talk, but what struck me was what she said - "I don't know what to say to you that will make it feel any different, or better." I told her I would rather her say that then, "time will heal," etc.... Marsha

[fred]

You are absolutely right Marsha. They do know that there are not any words that can make any difference, but the silence is deafening. When I started answering people bluntly when they asked how I was, I discovered who really cared and who was just making polite conversation. After that I took the initiative and addressed them in the manner I felt they would prefer to respond. I deal with caring, honest people directly and make polite conversation with those that don`t want the truth.

[kayc]

I agree wholeheartedly with what has been said here, and think Fred's idea was wise...there are some people who want to fix things and need to realize they can't, but they can listen and care, and there are others who aren't up to dealing with pain and loss at all and would rather we give them pleasantries. It's up to you how you choose to deal with them, but I wouldn't expect anything from them. It's not too hard to surmise which ones are which, their responses tell us all we need to know. I am proud of you for having the gumption to speak candidly about your needs to your friend, that is what it often takes.

[KathyG]

After months of hearing the "you should be over this by now" comments, I've gotten pretty good at separating people who really care from those whose "How are you?" is just small talk or who think I should conform to some arbitrary standard they've set. I respond the way Fred does: honestly to the caring people and by telling everyone else, "I'm doing the best I can."