Family

[dragonlady2865]

It's been just over a month since I lost mom2 and I'm still not dealing with it very well. You would think of all people my family would understand this. No such luck. Just the other day I was talking to my one sister, the oldest, and she was telling me that I should be fine now and not let it bother me. After all it's been a month. And then she said the one thing I was afraid she would. Well she was only after all our stepmom.

It felt like she slapped me in the face. Only our stepmom! She was more then that to me. She was my mom. And just because she is over it she thinks everyone else should be. I mean am I wrong for still being all messed up? Am I over reacting?

If I am then I am sorry but I have lost two mothers. And on top of that about a month before she died I had just been made to realize I hadn't delt with mom1's death or my brothers and so on so I had just started to deal with mom1's when mom2 died. So here I am haveing everything every feeling doubled. The ache, the pain, the grief and what ever other feelings are there.

I can't even begin to know what they are. Growing up in my family we had 3 emotions ....anger, happiness, sadness. I honestly do not know what the others are. I have had some feelings I can't give a name to. To hear other people name off things they are feeling I sit here and go what's that, or what's that feel like. It's all new to me.

I feel so mixed up. And it's a very scary thing to experience feelings and not know what they are. I feel like a complete idiot when I have to say I don't know what feelings are. I'm sorry for going on like this. I just feel so alone and isolated like I'm the only one who still cares for her.

Thanks for listening guys.

[mlg]

I don't know what the age situation is with you and your sister, but there are some people who can never let the "step-mom" be a mom. Maybe she was this way. Sometimes I think it is a defense mechanism, especially if the first mom died. That way NOBODY will ever take mom's place. I don't think your step-mom probably wanted to do that but maybe your sister never felt as close to her and that is why she is this way.

Don't worry about her feelings, just take care of you. You are the one who has to deal with this and if you have to go outside of family for help so be it. Just go where you get support and are accepted for YOU

[DawnG]

Don't let your family interfer with your grief, everyone's grief is different. My sister was the same way and still is. You'll never be okay with it it just gets easier with time. I went to therapy to get help and I tell ya, I'm so glad I did because it really helps.

Hang in there and post here as much as you need to.

Dawn

[AnnC]

One month is a very short time. In fact, lots of people are in shock (and may not know it) for a few months, and don't feel the grief until later. That could be what is happening with your sister.

It can take months or years to start to feel calmer about losing a parent. I lost my dad two years ago Dec. 7th. I thought I was fine now about it, but then my mother decided to go to my sister's house in another state for Thanksgiving and take my brother (mainly so he could driver her.) She did not invite me. I thought I was okay with that, but as the day approached, I found myself more and more upset, and realized I was SO angry to be left out! I finally remembered my grief counselor had said that the time of year can remind you, and you may not consciously realize what is happening, but you get upset, and it's because the anniversary is coming up. My dad had cancer, and we knew he was terminal, but he got much worse on Thanksgiving night two years ago, and we went to the ER and he ended up in hospice and died two weeks later. I didn't realize that Thanksgiving would remind me of all the feelings of that time, and so I was blindsided by the very strong emotional reaction I had to my mother leaving me out of Thanksgiving (which is not normally a terribly important holiday to me.)

Also, my ex-husband collapsed with the illness that would eventually kill him on Thanksgiving night 2002. Plus, last Thanksgiving, my cat got into some antifreeze and I had to have him put to sleep. My uncle died right after Thanksgiving in 1997. So Thanksgiving has now become a really difficult holiday for me.

Anyway, I wanted to say that one month is hardly enough time to even begin dealing with the grief of losing a parent. And if your stepmother was a mom to you, then she is mom, and that's all that counts! People always said to me they couldn't understand why I was upset when my ex-husband died, since he was no longer my husband, but I didn't care that we were no longer married, I still loved him, and it's how much you love the person that counts.

Ann

[leeann]

DLady

Everyone's grief is different because every relatinship is different.. even within the same family... as you have now seen with your experience with your sister. I found it is unproductive for me to compare my grief to others' grief. It can't be the same ever.. because I am a different person. Sure there may be similarities.. but with each person I have lost... each grief has been different for me let alone the others in my family!

The relationship you had with your step Mom may have been very different from that of your sister. So naturally your grief will be different too. And truly... that's ok.

Do come here and post as that may definitely help you feel less isolated.

The feelings.. well.. I bet you are getting quite an education on those now. I found it also doesn't help me to judge my feelings as being "right" or "wrong". I leave them as they are... just feelings and they are all acceptable.

Perhaps going through this article list may help you wade through all of this.

Here if you scroll down on this page you will find a listing of articles that may help you. Just click on ones that seem to fit what you are feeling.:

http://www.hov.org/links_and_downloads.aspx

It is alot to cope with and really DLady.. it is very recent still for you. And everything you are describing sounds so familiar and ... "normal". Just keep coming here and reading other posts and articles and posting yourself. We're here for you.

leeann