I Feel So Much Anger

[dragonlady2865]

Last nite my roommates put up their christmas tree. I knew it would bother me but I didn't know it would bother me this much. I saw it up and I got so mad at mom2 for giveing up and leaveing us and not being here to make another christmas special. But I had to put a phoney face on because of the little guy even though I was being torn apart inside. On top of the anger came such a sadness and guilt because I was so mad at her.

It was the longest nite of my life between the anger and sadness and the guilt I was wishing to just curl up and leave this earth. How can I be so mad?? She's gone and deserves to be remebered and hounered not haveing something being mad....furious at her. I know anger is one of the "steps" of grief but I shouldn't be this mad for so long. How can I dishoner her like this? I'm a rotten daughter.

I just want to be with both my mom's. I don't want to celebrate this holiday. I'm only pretending for the little guy's sake and even that seems almost impossible. I don't think I will make it through it. I opened one box that had some of my christmas stuff in it and found a single card in there from my dad and mom2. I totally lost it. I didn't know I even still had it. It was a shock. I was so upset I made myself physicaly sick. I miss her so badly.

Thanks for listening folks to my rambleings.

[leeann]

Oh DLady.. I know the feeling.. too well.

I told my parents just today.. 'I don't want to do another holiday without you both here.' Of course I will and I'll do the best I can for my family here too. As you will. But I have learned.. I won't feel like I have ever felt in the past at the holidays. This will be "new" feelings and things will feel odd.. but that's only because.. I'm "new" at doing holidays without them.

I find if I expect myself to feel the same as when they were here... that's TOO much of an unrealistic expectation for me. I will cry.. and I won't want to necessarily decorate or "do" (in general) the holiday like I have always done. And that's just FINE.

No... this year again I didn't decorate the house like I used to. BUT I do have SOME decorations up. Things can't be the "same" at the holidays.. because simply.. they AREN'T the same.. are they? I didn't sob as hard thru it either.... but I have one Christmas under my belt already with both of them gone. But the pain is still there.. just a different kind of ache.. if you will.

So doing things differently is not a bad thing in my book... it's just different because things ARE different. And to me.. that's "normal". But normal doesn't mean painless.

This is awfully hard... the first round of holidays always are horrendous. So I would expect you to feel angry, sad, frustrated... like you are faking it somewhat with your lil one. And I think that's ALL "normal" coping for one on a grief journey as you are.

This time of year is very hard for many of us. I think it helps when we all keep coming here and helping each other.. gives me hope that we will all survive it together.

But no doubt.. I can totally understand how you felt. And for crying out loud... "a rotten daughter"?? Sorry.. but in my humble opinion... anything but. If you were a rotten daughter.. you wouldn't have been as angry or as sad and in as much pain as you are. Can't fool me.

You are a great daughter.

((((((Hugs)))))

leeann

[mlg]

It's OK to feel this way. I'm having a hard time right now too. This was always my favorite time of year and I can't put my tree up. Most of our ornaments told the story of our life and I just can't face that and it's been 11 mos. Hopefully next year it will be different.

I don't exactly remember when it was that you lost mom2 but it doesn't seem that long ago. Just let the little guy be your guide for right now. I have a friend who lost her husband right before Christmas one year and said that her 3 kids were the only thing that kept her going that year. She knew she had to do it for them because they were all 6 and under.

If you need our support we're here but give yourself a break. Don't beat yourself up for your natural feelings.

[dragonlady2865]

Thank you everyone. You have definately helped. I am so thankful that I stumbled into this web site. It helps to be able to talk or rant or rage and everyone understands. And I am able to learn from a real survivor.

So again thank you all. And it was oct 16th that she passed away mlg. So yes it is still very recent. My prayers ( for what few I offer up daily ) are that we all get pass this holiday with out to much hurt.

[tattoodlb]

Hi Dragonlady,

You mention anger and then feeling guilty and also mention that you are dishonoring your mom2.....

Seems like you are piling a lot of stuff onto your plate that you don't need right now. Grieving is personal and we all do it differently and it is okay to be mad and you need to be mad without feeling guilty because that will stop you from being mad to take care of the guilty part (if you got all that!)

Be mad!!! However you need to find constructive ways for an outlet for that anger. Write an angry story, write an angry poem, write an angry letter to your mom2 but keep it for yourself.... put the date....and when you are purged of that anger then feel guilty and again, find constructive outlets for your guilt.... write an appology....date it and keep it....I'm sure you were the light of your mom2's life and that she was very happy to have you as her daughter. Hold your cherished memories close because they help to sustain in times of sorrow.

Depending how old your "little guy" is, if he sees you crying, you can explain that you miss grandma and it makes you sad. Children know when you're pretending and when you hold emotions from them, they get upset because they can see that something is bothering you. Being strong does not mean that you can't cry....

While the loss of your moms is tough especially during this time of year, it also magnifies our own mortality and things in our lives that we have done and not done.... sometimes maybe guilt is there because of that....

I know you are struggling with that now and the wounds are fresh, however hearts do heal with time; we may not end up with an entirely whole heart because our loved one took a piece, as it should be. Remember the good times and all that you learned from your moms and pass that on to your "little guy"....

Hugs to you and warm wishes for a peaceful Christmas and New Years.