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Anyone Have Any Advice?

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Hello everyone...People call me Wendy, and this is definitely something that I thought I'd never be doing. I lost my mother almost exactly one year ago, November 2, 2003. I think about her everyday. And still I dont think I have accepted what has happened!? People are always telling me that I need to 'let it out', I need to 'cry' - and I do, sometimes, yet I always stop myself. Even now - a year later, I dont know what to do or say. I am 26 years old, and more than ever - I need my mother and she's not here. I dont know what I feel anymore. Coming from a big family of 9, I realize that all of us are dealing with this in different ways. And as close as we are, you'd think that we'd be able to help each other through something like this. But amazingly, and sadly - we have only drifted farther apart since my mother's death. I have no idea if the rest of my family has come to terms with Mom's death, but I know I haven't. Where do I start - how do I make this hurt go away?Can someone tell me how to just start dealing with this?? Someone please give me some advice....



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Hi Wendy,

I'm so sorry about the loss of your Mother. I understand how you feel, as

I lost my Mom unexpectedly 2 years ago, October 18th. I find myself even

now thinking "I'll call Mom", for a split second before realizing she's not there

to call. And, the pain is a physical pain.

Like you, I stop myself from crying because when I do cry, I cant seem to stop. But when I finally allow myself to cry, that horrible pain in my stomach is lessened a little, for at least a while.

Although it doesnt lessen how much I miss my Mom, or my Dad who I also

lost unexpectedly 8 years ago, I have found that if I think of how many people I know, or know of, who have been through life altering tragedies, and yet somehow are able to smile and find happiness, I am inspired by their strength. I tell myself that if they can make it through what they have been through, that surely I can as well. Sometimes....it even helps for an hour or so. But, each hour that I can find peace, gives me hope I can do it for another hour.

I admit, too many days I feel I just cant stand another minute without

seeing my Mom, hearing her voice, or feeling her arms around me. But somehow I do, and even though I may have to struggle to get through the day, I do make it. Everything I do brings to mind a memory of my Mom or my Dad.

I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters, and our family has fallen apart. Much

of it due to lies and deception by the older siblings. Knowing that the

family my parents put together for us is gone now, hurts as well. But, all we can do is live our lives to the best of our ability, to honor the Mother and/or

Father who raised us.

I will keep you in my thoughts and I pray that you find the peace you need to

make it through each day.

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My dear Wendy,

I’m so sorry for your loss. Since you are approaching the one-year anniversary of your mother’s death, I can assure you that it is not at all unusual for you to be experiencing a resurgence of grief right now, and that can be quite disturbing, especially if you didn’t expect it.

Although the strong feelings of grief are not continuous, they can return at any time, whenever you are reminded of your loss – and they can be especially apparent toward the end of the first year. As this special date draws near, you may find yourself preoccupied with thoughts of your mother’s diagnosis, treatment and care. You may feel frightened and confused, all this time expecting that your grief would have been resolved by now and finding instead that if anything your pain has intensified.

Please know that what you’re feeling is normal and to be expected. You are not losing ground. The progress you have made is real. Getting past this anniversary is but another significant step in finding your way through grief.

You say you don’t know what you feel, you don’t know what to do or say, and you don’t know where to start. I don’t know what if anything you’ve been doing with your grief since your mother died, but since you’ve asked for advice on “how to just start dealing with this,” I want to suggest some things you might consider.

First, get rid of the notion that "time heals all wounds." Time is neutral. It's not the passage of time alone that heals. It's what you do with the time that matters. Grieving is an active process, not a passive one, and recovery is a choice. You can learn how to use this grieving time to help you heal yourself.

I believe very strongly that the more you learn about grief, the better you’ll be able to cope with it, because you’ll know what’s normal, and therefore what you can normally expect, and you’ll discover what you can do to manage your reactions. See, for example, some of the articles I’ve written about grief (go to the Links page of my Grief Healing Web site, and click on the category labeled ARTICLES BY MARTY TOUSLEY.) See especially Understanding the Grief Process and Managing Your Grief. Consider taking an online course on grief, such as the one I wrote, The First Year of Grief: Help for the Journey. Read one of the wonderful books on mother loss such as Hope Edelman’s Motherless Daughters, or Ruth Forman’s One Woman’s Journey: Recovering from Grief, or Losing a Parent by Alexandra Kennedy. Visit some of the Web sites listed under the DEATH OF A PARENT category on the Links page of my Grief Healing Web site. Consider joining a grief support group (contact your local hospice organization and ask what bereavement groups are offered; see the National Hospice Organization Data Base to obtain hospice listings in your home community).

And by all means, continue sharing your story of loss and giving words to your grief by participating in a message board such as this one. In the words of Henry Wadsworth Longfellow:

“There is no grief like the grief that does not speak.”

Wishing you peace and healing,

Marty T

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  • 1 year later...
Guest beth D.

Wendy,i completely understand your anguish. i feel so bad for you. i do allow myself to cry for my father who has been gone for 3 years now. there are times when i cry in anticipation of the loss of my mother, since it is so painfully clear it is on the horizon for all of us! hopefully there are times in your life that you remember when your mother stroked your hair and comforted you through some awful life crisis while you cried. do you remember how badly she hurt for your suffering? the only thing a parent wants for their child is for them not to be in pain. imagine how helpless she feels seeing you in such pain. help her help you by remembering that the greatest thing you can do for her is to be alright in the long run. it is ok to cry and to miss them, but we have to go on. if you don't do well in your life and make her proud, she couldn't stand it- her heart would be broken. i hope any of this makes sense. good luck.

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