Surprised By My Daughter's Treatment

[Bdzack]

Tomorrow it will be 14 months since my hubby passed away. Yesterday, April 10 was my mom’s birthday she would have been 90, she passed away 5 years ago. Tomorrow (Easter) is the anniversary of my father’s passing (41 years ago). I am an only child so it seems my only family members are my children, daughter 23 (married with a 18 month baby) and my son 20. I did not plan any Easter get together for many reasons mostly because I have been sick and it got here too quickly….but yesterday throw me for a loop and an intense crying jag. I miss my mate SO much! Someone who cared about me (and I him). I want to tell all of you what happened and then I welcome feedback.

I received a call from my son-in-law asking me to babysit he would be home about 9 pm did I want him to bring the baby to me? No I would go over to his house. But I got the request confused and went right over. I was at my daughter’s house waiting for my s-in-l to get there (about 7:30). When he had not arrived for 30 minutes (I thought he was on his way), I tried to call him and got no answer. I kept hearing sirens so I decided to call his mom as she was with him when he called me to baby sit. She knew he was at a baseball game so she called her other son as they were together; she got the message that they would be at the house in an hour. (Ok--- so I probably got the request confused or he changed the plan and did not tell me). His mom asked me if I was coming over to her house for Easter dinner, I told her “no” as I knew nothing about it and I was planning on having Ham and Mac & cheese from scratch with my son (who lives with me at home). She invited me over to her house and said they were going to have an Easter egg hunt with all the kids, this will be the first year my grandson is old enough to participate. She said my daughter was supposed to ask me…but anyway it was going to be at her house and she was inviting me even if my daughter hadn’t. I told her I would let her know today. (I was so shocked that my daughter never even mentioned it.) She then asked me if I was going to the Coast with everyone next weekend…I told her I knew my daughter and her hubby and my grandson were going, but I had not been invited nor did I know all of my s-in-law’s family was going with them. She told me I should come they were only going for one day then coming back the next day. Can you understand how rejected I felt? Why didn’t my daughter tell me I had been invited or could even possibly go? It feels like I was not wanted….guess I am only good enough to babysit or help them with their bills??? About 15 minutes later I got a call from my daughter (she was working) inviting me to Easter dinner at her m-in-law’s and to the Coast….do you think she got a call from her m-in-law or she would not be inviting me???

She claimed to have forgotten to tell me….but she had told me about the Coast trip but no mention of everyone going. I told my daughter last night when she got home and asked me again that I did not know why didn’t she say something earlier??? She says she forgot….I told her I understood…we rarely have conversations any more unless she is asking me to babysit…I have chalked the lack of conversations up to her trying to work and make her marriage work and learning to be a mom …I reminded her that I do not even lecture her anymore. She was my wildchild and I could not control her…I used to say “I have to tell you ____, you can do with it as you want, but if something happened and I had not told you I would not be able to forgive myself.” She always listened and sometimes followed my advice, if she didn’t she later said my advice came back to her but she did not always follow it.

Now I have thought of the options why I wasn’t even asked….she is just trying to make it with her husband and his family and does not want me a part of it? ….or she is very forgetful if it is not about her? Am I only good enough to babysit or help them out of jams? Or just not wanted???

Any feedback on my dilemma is welcomed, I am so surprised at being treated this way… Am I just in a funk or do I have the right to feel rejected or not a part of “any” family??? What if I had not called her mother-in-law? Would I have even known about any of it???

Thanks for being here and letting me vent.

[Bdzack]

I just talked to my son. He is willing to go over there, as he wants to see his nephew on Easter for the Easter egg hunt. So I guess we will have our dinner early and then go over there in the afternoon for the Easter egg hunt and games with all the kids. We may or may not eat again, I will contribute to their dinner they want me to bring Mac & Cheese. It is wonderful they have a big family, just sad that we don’t. At least they are willing to include us….I guess I will have to plan better or work with my daughters mother in law to plan the get-togethers, since everyone goes there and if I want to be a part of my grandsons life more than just babysitting I guess I will have to plan with those who will include me. I will get past the forgetting me and be the better person…I have to think that she did not forget me on purpose. At least if it was on purpose I do not want to think about it. Hope Easter goes good for all of you. I will let you know how mine turns out.

[mrspapajohn]

BdZack - - It has not quite been four months since my husband passed away, but I believe I have experienced some of the same things that you are going through with your family. Tomorrow, Easter, I will be staying home by myself (well, almost - at least I have my two cats). My husband's family is having a big get-together at his younger sister's house. Although my brother-in-law called me yesterday and asked me to come, it felt like it was a begrudging invitation. My husband's family has moved on with their lives, yet I still feel like it was yesterday that my husband died. I can understand that I am no fun to be around. I don't believe I have laughed since he died (although he made laugh all the time). I, too, am an only child. My mother passed way 4 years ago (and I'm still not healed from her death) and my father died over 15 years ago. Stephen and I had no children, so the only family I have at all are my in-laws. I have come to the conclusion that no one can help us feel better other than ourselves. I really don't believe that the people who are closest to us mean to slight us, it's just that they are absorbed in their own lives (as they should be). I plan to spend Easter watching TV with my cats and eating a frozen microwave dinner. I will think of my beloved husband most of the day, and I will be o.k..

I hope that you do go to your in-law's dinner because family is important, and I hope you have a wonderful day. Please let us know how it goes.

Kathy

[kayc]

BdZack,

I don't know if your daughter slighted you or forgot or what. I do know we can't change our kids and sometimes they can hurt or disappoint us, yet they are our kids so we continue working on our relationship regardless. Setting boundaries is just as important with kids as it is with anyone else. One boundary that might be good to work on is helping her to see you as a person, with feelings, needs, etc., and to work on her respecting you and showing consideration to you, that your relationship is a two way street, not just being there whenever she wants something from you. It would be good if you would be available to babysit some of the time, but not each and every time...that would help her to see you as a person in your own right, not just someone to meet her needs. I would let it go, that she didn't let you know about this invitation. I am the same way, I don't run my kids lives, but I will offer what I consider necessary advice ONE TIME and then let it go...it is up to them, as adults to decide what they do with it. Sometimes this is hard, esp. when you see them making mistakes, but they have to learn their own consequences. There ARE times to intervene, and that is if you see some potential harm can come to someone (drug use, a child's safety, etc.) if you don't. It'd be good to incorporate some fun time into your relationship with her to help balance the different roles you play as a mother.

I hope you had a good Easter and enjoy the upcoming time with your family!

Love,

Kay

[kath]

BdZack,

I don't know what is up with your daughter, but I can certainly relate to how you feel. My 4 sisters, my mom and my sister-in-law have gotten together for years to go to Canada or "Girl's weekends" or casino runs, etc, etc. I have found out either after the fact when they are all sharing pictures and stories of their wonderful times, or I have gotten an invitation much to late to make any arrangements. It has always hurt, though I pretend it doesn't. I am notified, long ahead of time, when it concerns me sewing something for someone or when one needs to stay at my house so she can party with the rest somehere close to me. Am I being used? You betcha! Do I allow it? Probably, because I never say anything about how it feels. Maybe speaking up would change things. Maybe I don't care one way or another. It never used to matter that much, because I would have rather spent that time being with Bob. He hated to see me being hurt or taken advantage of, though.

I guess, they won't know how we feel unless we tell them. Good luck.

Kath