My Molly's Gone

[momofnoone]

I am so alone. 3 months ago my fiance and I broke up and I moved out. I was dealing with that o.k mostly because I was busy finding a place for my Companion Dog and I to live. I so miss being part of a family. I felt comforted that I still had Molly.

Three days ago, I had to have her put down. It was my desision and I hope it was the right one. I can't fo into the details because it's just too painful.

I miss her so much. She would follow me from room to room from the first day we got her. She loved me. She was good. She would get so excited to see me, she would actually make noise. I should have given her more treats. I haven't told anyone. I sleep on her bed. I still can't bring myself to leave the apartment. I just sit and look at her picture. I change her bowl of water everyday. I'm afraid I'm going to forget the sound she makes. I don't have it on video. I didn't know. She shouldn't have had to die. I feel guilty.

I miss her. We spent all day together everyday. She was what I was good at. Our walks, grooming, I gave her the best food and kept track of everything.

How do I forgive myself? I can't even talk about it with my best friend because he's already in another relationship. I hope I did right by her. Please forgive me.

[Boo Mayhew]

Awww Momofnoone, I can tell by reading your post that there is no way on earth that you would have taken the decision to have Molly put down unless it was absolutely necessary, and the best thing to do.

I am so sorry that you are feeling this so so badly. Scent is very powerful. My husband died just over 5 months ago and I still have his last load of unwashed laundry and I don't think I will ever part with it - it has become my security blanket. I too freak out when I think I can't remember his voice, but you do.

She shouldn't have had to die, I know it's not fair. I think we can all identify with that one

We lost our beautiful rottweiler (Hammer) three Christmases ago and I can tell you that I fell to pieces, like you are. My husband was shocked at just how badly he took the loss we felt. He actually told me that he felt like he had lost his child. He was stunned and totally freaked out, we both were.

My husband gave Hammer a Viking burial in our garden and after a while we laughed and said that one day in the future, an archaeologist would dig up the grave and conclude that he had been a very important, perhaps a royal, dog. He took all his food, all his toys etc etc with him.

I can tell you that approximately a year later, I was ok. You will grieve at your own pace though. Of course I still love him and miss him too, but it doesn't hurt deeply, nothing like it did. We actually took on a rescue dog (he is deaf) and a little long-haired Jack Russell Terrier (they are called Fred and Barney). They did not replace Hammer. No one could. But they did help heal us. And today? They help me through my journey through widowhood - they are my constant companions and they sleep with me.

Why not try taking her bed to your bed with you? Teeny-tiny steps of progress, one day at a time. Not everyone understands just how deeply we mourn the loss of our dogs (or cats or other companion animals), but people here do understand.

I know that you can't speak about it to your friend, so PLEASE keep posting here, because I know that it helps. This site has been a life saver to me.

Marty (our Counsellor) has some marvellous articles about Grief and Animals, and has lost a beloved dog herself. I'm sure that she will post you with the link if I cannot find it.

In the meantime, here is a poem that I thought you might like. Actually, it will probably make you sob today so I am sorry, but in the future you I hope you will grow to like it and gain warmth from it.

The House Dog's Grave

By Robinson Jeffers

I’ve changed my ways a little; I cannot now

Run with you in the evenings along the shore,

Except in a kind of dream; and you,

If you dream a moment,

You see me there.

So leave awhile the paw-marks on the front door

Where I used to scratch to go out or in,

And you’d soon open; leave on the kitchen floor

The marks of my drinking-pan.

I cannot lie by your fire as I used to do

On the warm stone,

Nor at the foot of your bed; no,

All the nights through I lie alone.

But your kind thought has laid me less than six feet

Outside your window where firelight so often plays,

And where you sit to read—

And I fear often grieving for me—

Every night your lamplight lies on my place.

You, man and woman, live so long, it is hard

To think of you ever dying.

A little dog would get tired, living so long.

I hope that when you are lying

Under the ground like me your lives will appear

As good and joyful as mine. No, dears, that’s too much hope:

You are not so well cared for as I have been.

And never have known the passionate undivided

Fidelities that I knew.

Your minds are perhaps too active, too many-sided...

But to me you were true.

You were never masters, but friends. I was your friend.

I loved you well, and was loved. Deep love endures

To the end and far past the end. If this is my end,

I am not lonely. I am not afraid. I am still yours.

I made a massive collage of Hammer's photos and included this poem as well as all the stories about him on the collage. It's a bit of a mess but I love it and look at it often.

Sending you a big hug

xx

[Boo Mayhew]

I think I have found the correct articles to send you. Click on these links hun okay? Marty will add a post if they are not the right ones.

Hammer used to HATE it when I cried. He really did. I expect Molly hated to see you upset too and she would not want you to hurt this badly. I know that right now that's all you CAN do, but please hold that thought.

http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-a...en-of-guilt.htm

http://www.griefhealing.com/article-why-do...urt-so-much.htm

http://www.griefhealing.com/article-memori...erished-pet.htm

http://www.griefhealing.com/article-findin...-loss-group.htm

[Karen8]

Please understand that what you are feeling is normal. I too lost a dear beloved friend on May 3, 2009. I was the one that made the decision to put him to down. I'm starting to cry just thinking about it. I questioned my decision, but like the other post says I'm sure you made the right decision because only you knew what Molly was going through and that it was time.

My cat had a chronic illness that I was treating him for. I still haven't gotten rid of his bag of fluid (only 1/2 empty). It still has the needle attached to it that I used the last time on him the day before he passed. I will keep it until I'm ready to let it go.

This website really does help.

I hope you find peace and know that Molly is watching over you!

[momofnoone]

Thank you both for your support. The whole thing is awful. No one else knows. I have relatives and a friend (who is a dog trainer) tell me to give her to a rescue. I got her from the street and who knows how many owners she's had. She had been abused, the vet said that he was surprised she hadn't bitten anyone because she was so fearful of people. He said the reason she was 'so good' was to please me but one day enough would be enough. I would rather her be at peace than pass her onto someone who might treat her badly. I couldn't solve all her issues. Taking care of her gave me a reason to live. A purpose.

Oh yeah, if I tell people I had her put down, i think I'll be judged harshly. Even if they say they understand, I don't think they would. Especially my relatives, who would think "she couldn't even take care of a dog." I'm 47 - do family issues last forever? Will they always see me as the baby? I could lie and say I found her a new home (and ease my guilt) but that wasn't an option - or the answer.

Edited June 21, 2009 by momofnoone

[Boo Mayhew]

Momofnoone hi again,

I think I understand the awful decision you had to make now, but I could be wrong. I am so sorry. You are suffering because of the way that others treated Molly, not because of ANYTHING that you did. Sometimes you cannot fix the hurt that an animal or a person has had to live through. You did your very best, and you know what, I am sure that Molly also knew this. You loved her. They didn't. And that makes me so angry. If there is something that I really can't abide it is when people hurt animals or kids.

One of my biggest fears was that Hammer would escape one day and bite someone and the police would turn up and shoot him (in the UK Rottweilers have very bad press). That never happened thank God, and it just puts it all into perspective. I know that we should never compare one person's loss to another, but I am going to break the rule (sorry Marty).

Your experience of loss is without a doubt much worse than what we went through with Hammer. I would never ask you to share exactly what happened because you are so raw, but if and when you feel like sharing, I promise that no one on this board will judge you in any way at all. This is the only place where I can say what I want and "get away with it". It is sacred to me and to everyone else that I have interacted with. It may help you to share it, even if you don't believe that right now.

When we take on a dog, we take responsibility for them. And you did. You really did. Right up to the point where you had to make a decision that broke your heart. It is a decision that I feared I might have to make (or have made for me) one day, and I am so thankful that I did not. You (and Molly) were not so lucky.

But, what I am trying to say is, it's not your fault. You didn't fail her.

And I am sorry. I truly am. I am not judging you at ALL ... I just feel so sorry that you have had to go through this and that she did too.

Read my lips ... NOT YOUR FAULT.

Sending you massive hug across cyberspace and the miles

xx

[MartyT]

Dear Mom,

In addition to the articles Boo has suggested, you may find this one helpful too: Euthanizing an Aggressive Dog, http://www.selfhealingexpressions.com/dog_..._behavior.shtml

[momofnoone]

Thank you Karen,

I'm sorry about your cat. The apartmenti s so empty. I can't do anything (except the crying, I'm doing great in that department). It was a decision I will have to live with for the rest of my life. It's the worse thing. I know it was in her best interest. I know I'm just being sad for myself.

Therese

Please understand that what you are feeling is normal. I too lost a dear beloved friend on May 3, 2009. I was the one that made the decision to put him to down. I'm starting to cry just thinking about it. I questioned my decision, but like the other post says I'm sure you made the right decision because only you knew what Molly was going through and that it was time.

My cat had a chronic illness that I was treating him for. I still haven't gotten rid of his bag of fluid (only 1/2 empty). It still has the needle attached to it that I used the last time on him the day before he passed. I will keep it until I'm ready to let it go.

This website really does help.

I hope you find peace and know that Molly is watching over you!