The Way I Feel

[teny]

Hellow my far away friends .it has been 32 months that I lost my one and only love.The fist year I did not want my life I broke down body and soul in pieces and I thought that I will never pick them up again.The second year I got very sick entered the hospital and it took me 6 months to recover.Im now in the midle of the 3rd year and I feel like the pieces of a puzle that you try to put together but the image does not fit a big part is missing.A big hole and the image is vever be the same again.When you loose the one you love its like loosing apart of your body only others can not see.I feel crieple in my heart but I sttart learning to live with it.I cry alot and there are times that I dont remember he is gone.I keep busy Im tired .I dont want to have any vacations cause I feel more lonely.Thank God for my new grandaughter my sons and my older grandkids .I want to thank all of you for beeing hereand the support you gave me.you must know I need you .Sorry for my speling.TENY

[mrspapajohn]

Teny - - My far away friend. I am so sorry that you are so depressed, but I think that is to be expected when you lose the love of your life. You are right when you sat it's something we never get over, but we do learn to live with it. Thanks to you and others on this site, I am looking forward to getting to that stage in my grief and that hope keeps from despair. I still cry every day also. I am so glad that you have your grandchildren and your work. Cherish both.

Kathy

[marsha]

Teny - thank you, as always, for sharing your heart and your thoughts. For those of of us at a few months, a year, two years, it helps so much when friends like you tell it like it is. Because the not knowing what to expect can be a scary place. Enjoy your new granddaughter - she was a miracle! When my long time employee, Chris, brings in her 5 month old, when no one's looking I kiss his little feet, and just hold him. The support to you, here, equals the support you've given, my friend. Hugs, Marsha

[valley]

Teny,

Bless your new grandchild and you.

Marsha....I can see you kissing those soft baby feet! I did that all the time with my babies but haven't thought about that in so long. They are irrisistable.

Take care Teny.

Valley

[kayc]

Teny,

You are right where you can expect yourself to be in your grief journey. You have made progress, but sometimes it's hard to see it when you're in it...it is in looking back you can see with a new perspective. Grief does go through stages. It's hard to say what is the hardest stage...is it at first when your world is reeling and your life (as you knew it) just came to an end? Is it when everyone goes home and leaves you on your own to go out in your severed world with the huge gaping hole in your heart and your life? Is it six months down the road when the shock wears off and reality sets in? Is it later on when you have a big decision to make regarding a job or selling your home or problems with a child...and you have no one to make it with you? It's hard to say...each of these places is just plain hard to go through. And then we get a little better, more accepting of this is how it is now, and something happens that seems to bring it all back...perhaps a friend's death or returning to the hospital where it all happened.

All I can say is, what has helped me immensely, and it took tremendous effort, time, determination of attitude on my part, is... A couple of months after George died I ran across a refrigerator magnet...it was meant to be mine, it even had a dragonfly on it to capture my attention...it said, "Find Joy in each new day". I bought it and I remember the first day trying to find something that could be construed as "joy" in that day. Each day I would assess what had been joyful, and sometimes it was just very little things...an elk bugling in my backyard, a rainbow, a butterfly, a puppy's kiss, a child's smile...little things, and maybe that was all that was good in that day. It's amazing, but that little magnet changed me, I found I began to LOOK for joy! I began to see it more and more, someone who let me merge in traffic, someone who held a door open for me, praise from a boss, a phone call from one of my kids, my favorite song being sung at church...little things, but joy nonetheless. With time I began to value myself just for being, I'd take a walk by myself, make myself a wonderful breakfast, just for me, buy some special lingerie even though there was no one to notice, think of myself and treat myself well just because I am and because I'm worth it! All of these adjustments came with time, but they helped me transform in my grief. I wish you well, Teny, because you are worth it, you deserve it, and I hope your day today has some bit of joy in it...and all of your tomorrows as well...

I love you dear faraway friend,

Kay

[marsha]

Kay - once again you've touched my heart. It's so true, to find small joys that may seem insignificant to others, that are huge to us, that help us heal, even a little bit. A friend said, a year ago, try to find 10 things a day that make you grateful. I started it, then stopped, then started again. But on those days when despair tries to rear its ugly head again, just thinking about a bird's song, the trees waving in the breeze, a kind smile - we need to hold on to that. Joy can be something very simple.

Teny - we needed each other in our early grief, like a lifeline. We still need each other, and we're still here for each other. What a blessing that is! Love, marsha