New Member -- Lost My Dad On May 28, 09

[Xiaoru]

Hello,

I stumbled upon this site last night, and I just read through pages and pages of people's heartfelt posts. I sat and cried for hours reading people's stories and it was a very cleansing cry, if you know what I mean. I'm 22 years old, my dad was 83 when he died in May. I am an only child, and my mom and dad adopted me when I was a baby. I came home from college in February to help care for him after a very intrusive heart surgery, but he never recovered from it. He was a true fighter, he had a kidney transplant 19 years ago and his kidney was very strong until the end. However, I think now it was a mistake for him to undergo the heart surgery. He was able to walk and move around relatively independently before, but he never was able to sit up again after the surgery. He was in and out of the hospital for the last 3 months, and he wasn't happy. He went back into the hospital on May 17th or so, not for any immediately dangerous issues, but for long-term treatment for lung fluid build-up, and lack of appetite which led to malnourishment. At the hospital, he developed a lung infection directly due to negligence on the hospital's part, and died about 6 days after the infection spread, causing full body septic shock.

He died on Thursday, May 28, 2009 at 2:14AM. I was there by his bedside the entire time he had Pneumonia, but I'm not sure if he heard anything I said to him. Other people tell me, and I tell myself, that of course he heard me, that all the "I love yous" and the "We'll be okays" that I said went through and comforted him in some say. But I'm not sure. I know he heard a few of the things I said to him the first few days. He could still open his eyes and squeeze my hand. He stared at me with those questioning eyes and seemed to plead to me for help. But I couldn't help him. I didn't know what to do. He had a ventilator in and I didn't hear his voice ever again since early Friday morning when I left the hospital around 6AM.

The infection started early on Saturday morning, and when I got there, he was still conscious. He could hear what I was saying to him, and I just kept telling him that I know he's uncomfortable, I know the ventilator tube must feel bad, but that he just needed to suffer through it for a little bit and he would get well soon. Each day, he got worse. I couldn't bear to watch him chew on the ventilator until his bottom lip was raw. I can't even imagine what it feels like to have that in my mouth. My dad suffered so much. The chest tubes hurt him so much, and he kept grabbing at his right side. He never seemed to suffer too unbearably much, but it was a horrible digression torward death. Each day he got worse. First he was uncomfortable but with hope, but by the next day he was more drowsy, his lips started to bleed and his cheek was chafing. Soon, his hands and feet started turning black. I remember on Tuesday, or maybe it was Wednesday, his left hand was still able to move. He could move it up and down, trying to reach up past his chest. I guess it doesn't matter anymore, but I don't know nor will I ever know if he suffered or how much he suffered.

I am usually okay during the day, but I get really upset at night time. I just have a lot of regrets. I regret spending so much time on work, school, and other stuff the last few weeks instead of with him. I just wish I could talk to my dad again, I wish somehow I can wake up tomorrow and everything is back to normal again. I've been reading a lot of Near Death Experiences, hoping that my dad felt a sense of calm and contentment when he died. I hope he saw me and my mom and Patric by his bedside, and I hope he knew how we feel and how much we love him. I miss him so much.

I really dread nights. His room that he stayed in at home while he was sick is right across the hall from mine, and I walk by the emptiness all the time. I can't stand laying in bed with the lights off. Even a night light isn't bright enough, so I have to try to sleep with the room lights fully on. Something about being in the dark is upsetting and scary. Wheneven I think about him, my mind only goes back to the memories and flashbacks of his last few days, his death, and the way he looked in his coffin. WHY can't I think of any happy memories? I desperately want to remember the good things, the fun times, but I'm just completely consumed by the sadness and the scary memories. After he died, the hospital staff came in to "clean him up", so we stepped out of the room for about an hour. They let us in after an hour to say our goodbyes. My dad was lying there, but he was already dead. He was started to get cold, his mouth was open. His lips and chin were black from lack of blood flow and his mouth was raw from the ventilator tubes. I have nightmares of how he looked in the hospital bed then, I just can't seem to get over it. When does it stop? When can I start thinking of the happy memories without being reminded of these horrible images?

Thank you so much for listening, and I'm really sorry for the wall of text here. I have a lot of sadness and anger, and a lot more I want to get out, but I think this is enough for now. Just reading all of your posts and knowing that I'm not the only one going through this is incredible help. My boyfriend and my friends are all great. They are here for me and they support me, but I sometimes feel bitter and angry because they don't truly know what it's like. I want to be strong for my mom, but I can't even bear to talk to her because her sorrow hurts me even more.

Here's a link to a memorial video I made for my dad.

Thank you for listening,

Biru

[peanut40]

Biru,

My sincerest condolences to you and your family. I know exactly what you are going through with the images of your father. My mother passed April 18, 2009 from a year long battle with lung cancer. Please trust me when i say the bad images do fade and the good replace them. One thing I have found that truly helped me was looking at pictures of all the great times every time a bad image came into my head. I am finally now able to smile and laugh at things we did or what she would say about things. I too was at my mothers side the day she passed, holding her hand when she took that last breath, I also live in her home so I know exactly what you're feeling.

I know its a very tough time for you right now, but believe all of us when we say time will heal. The memories will never go away and you dont want them to, but it does get easier with time.

Cry when you need to its a better feeling after and its ok to cry its all part of the healing process.

If you ever need anyone to talk to I am here to listen. We're all in your shoes and we all know how to listen and possibly give some ideas on how to cope with the healing.

My prayers to you

[Kavish]

Thank you for the video of your father and your letter about his life. It touches my heart because I too lost a selfless soul, a best friend, who nurtured my human spirit ,last month. I was so happy to see the video of your dad because I felt that I could almost touch him through the monitor. He is still alive in your heart and now mine too. He seems so pleasant, always nice to a fault, just like my best friend, who took me in at her place when I first came to Canada. Now I have lost her but I will always look for her everywhere I go, keep her blessings and well wishes in my mind and heart and do it for her as I am sure you will do it for your father.

Kavish

[Xiaoru]

Thank you, Kavish and Peanut for your kind words. The support this community offers is amazing.

I forgot to add up there that tomorrow, July 14, is my dad's birthday, he would have been 84 today. It's difficult to not be able to spend it with him.

[Kavish]

I am sure he will be with you wherever you go. I am sure I have my best friend with me where ever I go and her well wishes for me to carry on through. I am sure your dad is going to be with you helping you through everything too.

Kavish

[Kavish]

Hi Biru,

Happy Birthday to your dad. Have a great day.

Kavish

[Boo Mayhew]

Hello Biru

I am so sorry that you lost your beloved Dad, especially while you are still so young.

I promise you that after a while the horrible images fade and then you just remember the happy times and memories. Your regrets are what each and every one of us experiences when we lose a loved one. It's natural to think, "why didn't I ..." or "I wish I had (or hadn't) ...". In the first two months after Cliff died I tortured myself endlessly with feelings of guilt. What I found useful after a while was to categozie the guilt into two categories: justified guilt and unjustified guilt. So, this helps to ground me as it forces me to analyze whether the guilt I am feeling is rational or irrational and thereby gives me peace ... that said, it doesn't stop the emotion completely! But it doesn't visit me so often anymore, and that is a huge relief.

You are in the very early days of grieving Biru, so please be kind to yourself. Try and eat a little, sleep with the lights on if that helps, and do everything in your own time, when you are ready. Don't compare your journey to anyone else's time-wise because we all go through this at our very own pace.

The support that this Forum gives you is wonderful. The people are the kindest that you can hope to meet and they have empathy and understanding. So please keep posting here.

Hugs.

[PAB]

Biru,

Thanks for sharing your tribute and your father in words and video. What I do read and see is that you were unconditionally loved. You were given a phenomenal gift to be cherished for all your days. I've learned that some children are not that lucky, so they have a sense of relief at their parent's death.

My mother died on Christmas Eve and even though there have been several months distance, the separation wells up and I feel the absolute longing to have her back again. That of course, is not an option. Through the grief cycle, I've found that there are two strands of emotion twined together like DNA spirals. One is that I miss my mother's presence and ache with the pain, the other that I had the gift of time with a fabulous parent whom I was priviledged to have loved and be nurtured by.

There's so much talk about taking the time to go through the grief and define it as needed and I've found that I let it be experienced as it comes. So I cry, I miss her, I talk to her, I write letters to her, I think of her, I laugh with her, I wallow is pain and I pick myself up and shake off the dust and go out in the world and play again. All I can say, is that I was so extremely fortunate to have had her in my life and I never truly understood the love she gave me until her departure. She makes me smile and I carry that in my heart each and every day. And who she was still ripples forth in how I treat other people and the kindness and love of learning she instilled in me.

I'm terribly sorry for your loss and wish you long, lovely memories to remember. Tears are simply liquid emotions.

-PAB

[Kat1]

What a beautiful video sniff sniff you made me cry. I to lost my dad in October of last year so I know what you are going through. It looks to me like he had a great deal of love in his life. Take deep breaths and remember that with each day it gets just a little bit easier. Hang in there